Anonymous
Post 03/29/2022 14:22     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:Mid 50s, and since college I have never asked for money - I am an adult and don't spend beyond my means. Who does this?


My SIL (husband's sister). She threatens to move far away (she currently lives five minutes from in-laws) because they can't afford their mortgage and then in-laws swoop in and pay for their house. Happens multiple times, but every time my MIL says oh it's so sad that they're moving, no they're really going to do it, and yet shockingly it never happens.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2022 14:12     Subject: Re:Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?

When the parents are wealthy, it is not viewed as enabling. It is viewed as a gift; an early inheritance. I completely understanding those whose parents are not wealthy turning their nose up at this, but it really a very different scenario when your parents have cash that will absolutely come your way when they die. They want to share it while they are alive, so they get to experience the benefit their gifts provide. We are financially successful (million $ homes, millions in retirement) but in the instances where my parents gave us a loan or a large gift, it was so they could share in the outcome of what they were providing.

It's also viewed as wise stewardship of money. My parents, through their lifetime exclusions/gifts and trusts and large insurance policies on each heir and principal, ensure that as little estate taxes are paid as possible. I support that, and the wisdom behind not wanting the Government to double dip on their success. I should note that my family is a big believer in charity, they make living donor pledges in the millions and 25% of their estate will go to charity. Annual gifts to the adult children always come with the request (but not requirement) that 10% is donated to charity. I take this personally and pledge 25% of what I get annually in gifting, to charity. I make enough to support myself (375K solo parent) so the gifts just go right into my estate for my children as they grow, I live on what I earn.


Exactly this. The grandparent help we received was given in life rather than waiting until death and inheritance. It's called "warm hand" giving and I definitely prefer this method and will practice this with my own children. They gave us gifts for our wedding, down payment on first house and a later gift for renovation of our 2nd house.

The wealthy parents spent the time and money to put together a comprehensive estate plan to minimize taxes and preserve wealth for future generations. Part of that plan is to pay gift-tax exempt expenses like tuition (not camps) and medical directly. They prioritized grandchildren's education and megafunded 529s in addition to K-12 tuition in order to reduce the taxable assets in their estate. They communicated the plan and ballpark figures so we could account for this in our own retirement planning.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2022 20:36     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s considered good estate planning for the staggeringly wealthy to offload money to their kids via annual gifts, school tuition, camps. I don’t think there’s a moral issue in the kids accepting, other than the moral issues involved in wealth inequality in the US.


+1 Is it really unreasonable that wealthy seniors want to spend some of their money on their kids and grandkids? If you assume they will inherit the money anyway why not spread it out so they can use it when they need it.


Then the seniors can offer. Asking is pathetic.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 20:05     Subject: Re:Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
My STBXW asked her dad to pay for her lawyer when she decided she wanted a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 18:24     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I recently asked my mother to pay for braces for DC. I didn't have braces growing up and paid for them myself after graduating college. I think she always felt bad about it and she told me a number of times she wanted to pay for braces for DC when the time came. When the time came, I told her the cost and asked if she still wanted to pay. She is paying the bills monthly, and I know it is a struggle for her.

I really struggle with the situation. I thought about not telling her, but knew she would be mad. I thought about lying about the cost, but knew if she ever found out she would be mad.


Ask the orthodontist to begin billing you for any new charges going forward. She likely was unaware of the current costs of orthodontia, which includes expensive imaging.


I am sure she was unaware. I have continued to check in with her about paying and to update her on DC's treatment. She has never hesitated about paying even though she knows we can afford it. I have decided it is her choice and that I won't lie to her. I have also decided that once DCs are independent we will give them monetary gifts in the amount that we are comfortable with without making them ask and without strings regarding its use.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 18:13     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
I never asked my parents for money after I got married in my late 20s. My brother has been living off of them since high school and has persuaded my ailing elderly widowed mother to give him POA, fired their estate lawyer and hired a new one who is his high school friend. I suspect the will has been changed to his benefit. In hindsight, I wish my parents had distributed more of their multimillions to their other three children and four grandchildren while they were still capable.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 18:07     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:I recently asked my mother to pay for braces for DC. I didn't have braces growing up and paid for them myself after graduating college. I think she always felt bad about it and she told me a number of times she wanted to pay for braces for DC when the time came. When the time came, I told her the cost and asked if she still wanted to pay. She is paying the bills monthly, and I know it is a struggle for her.

I really struggle with the situation. I thought about not telling her, but knew she would be mad. I thought about lying about the cost, but knew if she ever found out she would be mad.


Ask the orthodontist to begin billing you for any new charges going forward. She likely was unaware of the current costs of orthodontia, which includes expensive imaging.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 17:03     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
I recently asked my mother to pay for braces for DC. I didn't have braces growing up and paid for them myself after graduating college. I think she always felt bad about it and she told me a number of times she wanted to pay for braces for DC when the time came. When the time came, I told her the cost and asked if she still wanted to pay. She is paying the bills monthly, and I know it is a struggle for her.

I really struggle with the situation. I thought about not telling her, but knew she would be mad. I thought about lying about the cost, but knew if she ever found out she would be mad.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 15:34     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
I've not asked my parents for money since I graduated. I would be embarrassed to.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 15:03     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:It’s considered good estate planning for the staggeringly wealthy to offload money to their kids via annual gifts, school tuition, camps. I don’t think there’s a moral issue in the kids accepting, other than the moral issues involved in wealth inequality in the US.


+1 Is it really unreasonable that wealthy seniors want to spend some of their money on their kids and grandkids? If you assume they will inherit the money anyway why not spread it out so they can use it when they need it.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 14:52     Subject: Re:Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
That's so odd. No. I've never asked my parents for any money for any expenses including our wedding. Why should they pay for your children's childcare?
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 16:04     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Only if it’s a serious need and my parents have extra millions laying around they intent to leave as inheritance.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 15:15     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Parents have paid for each of our weddings. Give a monetary gift when kids were born as well. If we were in dire straits, I'd absolutely ask them for money. I don't think anything wrong of it at all.


Of course you don't...


If I needed money and my parents found out later I struggled and didn’t ask them, they would be sad. Talking about to deal with a job loss, down payment, etc. We live within our means (understanding the privilege that comes with well off parents who treat us to different things here and there). We have not gone to them with any requests and bought our home fully on our own, but they would be happy to help. I don’t see anything wrong with that, beyond that it is unfair that everyone doesn’t have that support.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 12:58     Subject: Re:Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for our wedding, gave us money for 2 down payments and help pay some of my kids' private school tuition every year. They also have set up significant 529 for my kids. I would not approach them for large purchases but mostly because we can afford our own expenses. They would gladly help us more but I would feel awkward asking. My ILs have not given us any help despite having the means.


Lmao, um obviously not.


Right? LOL

OP, I wouldn't ask because I know they don't have the money. Neither do my ILs. My mom proactively gave me and DH $3K towards our wedding expenses; we hadn't asked and thanked her profusely. We won't inherit anything from either side.

So, instead, we live solely within the means of what we earn, because that's all we have. The vast majority of my friends have had help with down payments, large weddings, etc., and don't hide it.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 12:52     Subject: Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Parents have paid for each of our weddings. Give a monetary gift when kids were born as well. If we were in dire straits, I'd absolutely ask them for money. I don't think anything wrong of it at all.


Of course you don't...


Why the eye roll? I see so many people on this site stating that even if you had shitty parents who gave you nothing/never supported you, you MUST help them if they are ever in dire straits BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILY. It doesn't matter if they are alcoholics/drug addicts who blow the money, gamblers, emotionally abusive, etc.

Why are people turning their nose up at a milder version reverse scenario? If an adult child is in dire straits, why does asking for parental help get an eye roll?