Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a surrogate daughter that she calls her other daughter. She was a childhood friend of mine. My mom would also accuse me of being jealous of this person and her relationship with my mom. Later in life I figured out that my mom was greatly exaggerating the relationship with this other person. She’s currently laying in a hospital bed and neither her real nor surrogate daughter are there. (Before DCUM freaks out on me, I offered to go but my mom said I could only come visit if I leave my nursing baby at home in another state. She likes to test people’s love and affection for her. I stopped playing when I had kids).

You hit on something interesting. The nature of the relationship is very superficial (therefore the surrogate daughter doesn't visit her in the hospital.) I totally understand why you don't and it's justified-your nursing baby must come first. My mom was so infatuated with one surrogate daughter I was creeped out. She gushed way too much about this young woman's exquisite looks (along with her extraordinary charm and personality). Anyway, my mom pretty much ghosted her during a very, very hard time because it was no longer fun and glamorous to have a much younger fancy friend.

My mom says that her mom was absent when she was growing up. And her dad wasn’t in the picture. So I do wonder if she just doesn’t know how to mother or form real relationships with people. I think she has to keep things very shallow, and that’s why she prefers friends to her family. Your family knows too much about you and goes through real things and I think that makes my mom uncomfortable. She is estranged from almost every living relative we have. Which I remind myself of every time I feel guilty for maintaining hard-core boundaries with her. It’s a terrible situation for all of us.

I think you’ve hit on something.

No not at all. My mom had a lot of issues but thankfully this was not one. And I make sure not to do this with my daughter. My kids are my priority, not other random kids. So sorry op and all the pps!

My mom does this too. Thanks for the post, OP, have always felt alone re: this toxic dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow I thought it was only me! I was away over Thanksgiving and called my brother’s house where the family was gathered. I’m the only girl child. I asked to speak with mom. When my brother said “It’s your daughter,” my mom said “[Sister in law’s name]?” He said no, your other daughter. She then said “Oh” and seems very disappointed.

That’ll teach me to be away at Thanksgiving!

This reminds me of my MIL who is as bad as my mother. When my MIL put me on a pedestal I remember she said "You are the daughter I always wanted" which was such a red flag to me because she had a daughter. I knew from then on to have major boundaries and boy was she cray.

My mom pulls this when she is struggling with her mood-depression/anger/anxiety and sadly what makes her feel best is to create drama or try to make others feel bad. The rare time life is going perfect-she was retired (barely worked before that), traveling with dad, no family stress, no demands, getting massages, manicures and regular hair appointments and ladies lunches-she was surprisingly nice and easy to take. The rare time she gets therapy and takes her meds consistently, she decent too. It really enrages her that I won't fall for the favorite surrogate daughter shtick anymore because I have too much going on to care.

Oh wow I thought it was only me! I was away over Thanksgiving and called my brother’s house where the family was gathered. I’m the only girl child. I asked to speak with mom. When my brother said “It’s your daughter,” my mom said “[Sister in law’s name]?” He said no, your other daughter. She then said “Oh” and seems very disappointed.

That’ll teach me to be away at Thanksgiving!

Yes. And most of these are women she has never met or hasn’t seen in twenty years or more. I was never good enough for her. I wasn’t tall enough, I was a good student but a mediocre athlete, I didn’t land a job she could brag about to her friends (although DH did so she just adopted him), etc. She didn’t want children so she had one and when I turned out differently than what she wanted, well, she never got over that. Every single holiday I have to listen to this routine if I spend it with her. I’ve done less and less of that over the years and now I’m a terrible daughter because I have abandoned her. She insults me every time she speaks to me and lies to her friends that we are close.

Yep. My mom called her “my adopted daughter” and used to go on and on about her. They still keep in touch, which is great as far as I’m concerned.

Your mom might be borderline or have narcissistic traits.

My mom friended a girl a few years older than me. The same thing would always happen. My mom would say they were wonderful and “perfect.”

I didn’t get jealous because it seemed so obvious she was trying to get a rise out of me. It was annoying though.

Now she is old and medicated so she doesn’t do as much bad stuff, and I started meditating and engaging in self-care so her barbs don’t bug me much.

My mom is like this to this day. I'm just grateful I don't live nearby.

My father did the same thing to me the whole time I was growing up. He would even tell me all the ways I should try to be like some other girl. He worked in my school district, so he actually knew all the girls in my class, which made it even worse. It was very hurtful, and the hurt has never really gone away. It did a number on my self-esteem.

My mother never does this. I’m sorry that so many moms do!

Reviving this thread because I was wondering if anyone experiences this. Your mother explodes at you because her surrogate/fantasy daughter suddenly wants mommy to invite you on their outings and you repeatedly decline and it EMBARRASSES your mom?

For background, my mother puts this woman on a pedestal and used to try to to tell my why she was superior until I set boundaries, but mom also badmouthed her until I refused to listen to that either. Our parents were "friendly" growing up, I use quotes because mom badmouthed everyone. This woman is older which was a big difference as kids and while she is a nice person we have little in common. DH and I distanced from my mother gradually due to a lot of dramatics, but when she was creating favoritism dynamics with grand-kids that hurt our older child who has special needs we went very low contact and keep the kids away.

I wish I could say, "Enjoy your cosplay of perfect mom and ideal daughter, but don't try to drag others into it!" I didn't need this explosion.

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

No, but my older daughter always seemed to find surrogate mother's. This started when she was extremely young, she took to everyone. I remember attending a field trip with her when she was in kindergarten and she wanted to hang with someone else and not me. Granted I worked a lot when she was young and she spent a lot of time with my parents before and after school and in the summer. So, it's probably my fault. It always felt like she was searching for another family. She grew up, moved a few hours away around age 22, and now lived close to her husbands family. They treat her like crap sometimes (purposely leaving her out of family gatherings) and she cries to me about it, however, she can't seem to see through it. Now, she is enticing my college age daughter away, to stay with her over the summer. So, the pattern continues...maybe I need to find seem surrogate daughters (just kidding).

Anonymous wrote:Question - do you think there was something off about that generation of women to have produced such rotten mothers? Do you think there are an equal number of terrible mothers in the current generations? (X and Millennials)?

There are genetic personality disorders, and those will happen in any generation. However I do think that the moms born in the 40s and 50s experienced stressors that may have exacerbated whatever toxicity they may have been predisposed to. These women were literally second-class citizens who were only supposed to think of marriage and children. Very few were educated, and they had limited career options, like teacher/nurse. They were at the mercy of the patriarchal system (which is why many of them cling to it like it's daddy). Then so much changed during their lifetimes--It must have been very scary for women who were already very insecure, not just insecure in their heads but literally insecure.

I do think (without any sources to back this up, haha) that the Silent Generation/Boomer mom generations display more toxic behavior overall than Gen X. However, Gen X has its own big problems having been raised by them, I see more alcoholism, drug abuse and depression. Now, Millennals have their own set of very different stressors, and I would not be surprised to see more narcissism among Millennial mothers.

I agree with the narc supply and triangulation. I think it's great to have friends of all ages, but it's really strange for a mother to brag to her daughter about her magical friendship with a beautiful same age peer. It's one thing to name the person and share a piece of news. It's another thing to wax poetic about how utterly amazing the women is.

In one case the surrogate daughter gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and struggled for years to lose it. My mother went into mourning practically often talking about how gorgeous this woman was before the weight gain and how tragic it was she could not lose the weight. So much perspective on what really matters in life!