Neither sounds right for you to marry.

Marry Guy 2. Continue to bang Guy 1 from time to time.

Anonymous wrote:Mailed you a letter? Mailed it?
I am calling troll?
Didn't anyone alert Jeff to this troll?

She said she had him blocked everywhere. A letter makes sense.

Mailed you a letter? Mailed it?
I am calling troll?
Didn't anyone alert Jeff to this troll?

I may be the only schmuck who has not seen “The Notebook.”
🙂

However after reading your post OP - why does it have to be either or??

It doesn’t seem like you are fully going to get what you truly want from either of these guys so why not keep dating until you find someone who you think can fulfill you more?

Yes, we all have our quirks but it sounds to me like your ex was very toxic for you to have to block him so much.
And all the arguments definitely did not bode well for either of you.
He may be saying he will go to couple’s counseling to get you back…..only for you to realize he hasn’t changed at all.

And the current guy already having a child may be an issue for you as time goes on.
You seem to be uncomfortable w/the idea of possibly being a StepMother so that may end up being a huge dealbreaker in the future.

My best advice is to keep looking.
Expand your options, good luck!

OP you describe both guys in terms of what you think you might gain from being with but I get no sense as to either guy that you understand a successful marriage requires an integration, the whole being more than sum of the parts, how you think you would make each other better, common life goals and objectives, there's nothing that sounds anything remotely like a healthy adult relationship with either guy. Your life is not the Notebook yet you still chose to use that metaphor. You were incompatible with the first guy which is why you broke up with him. The second guy is obviously just a place holder. You don't even really like the idea of being a stepmom. You are.using the possibility of being with A not to be with A, but to provide a reason not to be with B, and vice versa. For a different perspective, instead of asking yourself which guy will be the best for you, why not give a hard think to what you bring to the table and which guy would be better off marrying you, because of what you bring to the table. Constantly fighting with the first guy doesn't make you a good partner to him, and being resentful the second guy has a stepdaughter doesn't make you a good match for him, either. I'd say both would be better off without you. Find someone else that you actually live enough to where you're not even considering other "options.". You're not really committed to either if these guys, that's for sure. You probably think deep down neither is good enough for you

Anonymous wrote:Keep looking for #3.

Probably this, but just wanted to add my thoughts as a woman who married a guy with a 7 yo. I wasn't necessarily excited at the prospect of being stepmom. But I really considered it and thought about my role quite a lot. And because I was in love and thought I could do it, I did. Now I have no regrets, even though this situation added grief to my life -- the child was a joy, but his mother was a nightmare. She was angry that my DH had moved on and she took it out on us and the kid. It was horrible at times. But now that child is a young adult and that is behind us. He is a special person in my life. My marriage is good.

I wonder if you and man#2 are on same page about having kids?

Keep looking for #3.

Yes, I was in the same boat 15 years ago. I married the 2nd guy. He's the kindest man and he makes me laugh. I have no regrets whatsoever about my decision. I wonder how different my life would have been if I went for the passionate, but volatile relationship. However, I always picture a painful end. He didn't fight fair and I wanted a partner not a competitor. My ex bf is married now. I hope he's grown and kind to his wife like my husband is to me. No one should have to deal with a cruel spouse who will say whatever it takes to win an argument.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intelligence is inherited, OP. If your ex isn’t smart, that’s a dealbreaker right there. Don’t burden your future children with a low IQ. Plus, your ex probably wants you because he can’t have you. If you take him back, the chase is over for him. Are you sure he will not revert to his old ways?

Also, don’t marry the other guy, even if he is smart and kind. You are being honest with yourself about his DD. It’s good that you recognize you do not want to be a stepmother. It’s not fair to the child to marry her father if you are not interested in building a positive, supportive, nurturing relationship with her.

Neither man is The One. Keep looking.

Said like someone who is not a stepmother.

Step-parenting is 100x harder than parenting. Easily. I am a great, loving mother. But being a hood stepmother requires so much more than “positive, supportive, and nurturing.” You have to be prepared for your positive and supportive overtures to be met with hostility and hatred. You have to be prepared for the likelihood that your stepchild’s attachment to you is inversely proportional to how much drama the ex may inject into your life (because she may be threatened by a positive relationship with you.). You may have to be silent…a LOT..,when your spouse is screening up. You have to accept that your family finances and calendar are subject to the needs of your spouse’s ex.

The intention to love the child is like 5% of the work. You can love the child SO much and have great instincts as a mom but be a terrible stepmom and destroy your marriage in your efforts to be a good stepmom.

This x1000000

I can’t completely understand why OP isn’t happy at the thought of being a stepmom. A childless woman’s dream is NOT to be someone’s stepmom. Relationships are already hard. Then you add in someone’s else’s child when you don’t know what it’s like to have a child of your own? It’s incredibly hard. I will always discourage someone from being a stepparent if they’re young.

I can**

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intelligence is inherited, OP. If your ex isn’t smart, that’s a dealbreaker right there. Don’t burden your future children with a low IQ. Plus, your ex probably wants you because he can’t have you. If you take him back, the chase is over for him. Are you sure he will not revert to his old ways?

Also, don’t marry the other guy, even if he is smart and kind. You are being honest with yourself about his DD. It’s good that you recognize you do not want to be a stepmother. It’s not fair to the child to marry her father if you are not interested in building a positive, supportive, nurturing relationship with her.

Neither man is The One. Keep looking.

Said like someone who is not a stepmother.

Step-parenting is 100x harder than parenting. Easily. I am a great, loving mother. But being a hood stepmother requires so much more than “positive, supportive, and nurturing.” You have to be prepared for your positive and supportive overtures to be met with hostility and hatred. You have to be prepared for the likelihood that your stepchild’s attachment to you is inversely proportional to how much drama the ex may inject into your life (because she may be threatened by a positive relationship with you.). You may have to be silent…a LOT..,when your spouse is screening up. You have to accept that your family finances and calendar are subject to the needs of your spouse’s ex.

The intention to love the child is like 5% of the work. You can love the child SO much and have great instincts as a mom but be a terrible stepmom and destroy your marriage in your efforts to be a good stepmom.

This x1000000

I can’t completely understand why OP isn’t happy at the thought of being a stepmom. A childless woman’s dream is NOT to be someone’s stepmom. Relationships are already hard. Then you add in someone’s else’s child when you don’t know what it’s like to have a child of your own? It’s incredibly hard. I will always discourage someone from being a stepparent if they’re young.

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. OP has already made up her mind and nothing anyone here says is going to change it. It's going to be one excuse after another and she's going to pick #1 because he's her true love, blah blah blah. And then he's going to continue being an abusive asshole but she'll already be pregnant and will stay with him forever. Sounds like you have an awesome life ahead of you, loser OP.

You must be the guy who wasn’t chosen and she went with the other guy. I can see why.

As they say in football, “If you have two quarterbacks, it just means you don’t have one.” Same with men.

Oh please. OP has already made up her mind and nothing anyone here says is going to change it. It's going to be one excuse after another and she's going to pick #1 because he's her true love, blah blah blah. And then he's going to continue being an abusive asshole but she'll already be pregnant and will stay with him forever. Sounds like you have an awesome life ahead of you, loser OP.

Neither one. Definitely not the first. You are not tied to these two men. Move on. I wish you luck!