Anonymous
02/05/2022 08:39
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:My mom has had serious mental illnesses (schizo-affective disorder and bipolar disorder) since I was around 4 years old. My dad abandoned us when I was 6 so, needless to say, life was tough for my mom, me and my two older sisters. Somehow, I managed to make it through college and law school, get married and have two sweet babies (now pre-teens). When dating my then-boyfriend, now husband, I explained that I would not be putting my mom in a nursing home in her old age. When we bought our first house together (about 10 years ago), we moved my mom in with us. It has not been easy. Her meds keep her "just" sane enough most days but not all days. My amazing husband has more patience for her than I do, since, as he notes "she's a very sick person." My children also see that she is very sick and have learned to treat her with kindness.
Aside from the challenges of dealing with a mentally unstable person, we have supported her though 2 hip surgeries, skin cancer, surgery to correct pelvic prolapse, lots of physical therapy and, of course, many visits to see her psychiatrist.
Did I mention it has not been easy? I have gone through periods where I literally hated her, hated my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. But this I know, putting her in a nursing home would subject her to an extremely sad ending to an extremely sad life. My mom, after her hip surgeries, has stayed at some of the nicest nursing homes in the DC Metro area and I'm sorry to say that even the nicest nursing homes in the DC metro area are not very nice. It's where people go to die. No matter how nice some of the staff are (and we met some incredible staff), they are still overworked and underpaid for what they do. They still managed to mess up her meds sometimes. She still got UTI's. It's simply not a place you put someone if you care anything about them.
I have very vivid memories of my mom struggling to keep two jobs so my sisters and I would not end up in foster care. I recall her being hospitalized for 2 weeks, being discharged and going on job interviews two days later (this usually happened every 6-9 months). She never, ever gave up. And even though my childhood was plenty sad, and even tragic - I know that without her motivation to protect us, it could have been so much worse.
I sometimes wonder what motivates me to keep her in my home, despite the incredible challenges she presents. Guilt? Do I have some kind of savior-syndrome? I don't know.
My life could be so much different if she didn't live with us, but I can't say it would be better. The thought of my sick mom, lying alone in a nursing home bed, would simply make me miserable.
I don't get this. We are not trained nurses and caregivers(!), we have full-time jobs and kids - surely our parents would be better in a facility where they can be supervised and taken care of properly, with others the same age for social interaction. Not ideal I understand but how is having them at our homes better?!
Anonymous
02/05/2022 07:25
Subject: How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Church.
Really. My 80 year old mother is so flipping active in her church, and the parishioners take care of one another. My mom drives her 92 year old friend to doctor's appointments, for example, because that 92 year old doesn't have family close by. The ministers come visit you in the hospital quite often, and they often organize a group of congregants to take turns visiting on the ill or infirm. They really take care of one another. Heck, my mom event got me to go shovel the driveway of an 85 year old woman who broke her hip going to get mail, because her driveway was icy, and her 87 year old husband has dementia. And I was happy to do so. So it's not just like it's the congregants themselves who are helping each other out. They pull in their families and their resources as well.
I'm sure any house of worship is like this. I only mention church because we are Christian. My mother didn't join a church until my dad passed away and my mom was 65. I am not active. My life is crazy busy right now, but I do plan to go back, perhaps after my kid goes away to college. They aren't perfect. You have dysfunction just like you do in a family. But they look after you like family as well.
Really. My 80 year old mother is so flipping active in her church, and the parishioners take care of one another. My mom drives her 92 year old friend to doctor's appointments, for example, because that 92 year old doesn't have family close by. The ministers come visit you in the hospital quite often, and they often organize a group of congregants to take turns visiting on the ill or infirm. They really take care of one another. Heck, my mom event got me to go shovel the driveway of an 85 year old woman who broke her hip going to get mail, because her driveway was icy, and her 87 year old husband has dementia. And I was happy to do so. So it's not just like it's the congregants themselves who are helping each other out. They pull in their families and their resources as well.
I'm sure any house of worship is like this. I only mention church because we are Christian. My mother didn't join a church until my dad passed away and my mom was 65. I am not active. My life is crazy busy right now, but I do plan to go back, perhaps after my kid goes away to college. They aren't perfect. You have dysfunction just like you do in a family. But they look after you like family as well.
Anonymous
02/05/2022 07:12
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
To the pp, op was advised to do cc not age in place.
Anonymous
02/05/2022 00:23
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thank you for taking the time to post your comments.
The reason I started this thread is because of my MIL. My MIL is 92 years old, she was widowed 10 years ago and she still lives in her own house. MIL suffers from dementia. She receives a lot of support from my DH and his 2 siblings, and from various home health aides.
MIL receives round the clock care in her own home, 24/7, 365 days a year. Cleaner/housekeeper 4 times a week, 3 live-in aides/companions (24/7) who work in shifts, other aides, and MIL's children who keep her company in rotation.
MIL is a wealthy woman, she can afford to hire aides round the clock. The reason she is getting so much hands on support is because her 3 children (including my DH) have financial POA and they hired the aides on her behalf.
DH and I will never get this kind of help when we are elderly, because we don't have children to organize the help for us, should we become cognitively impaired. So our job is to do the organising ourselves while we are still physically healthy and sound of mind. Forward planning is key, but how ...?
I find it quite depressing thinking of all of this right now. I sometimes suffer from bouts of anxiety and then I start catastrophizing things in my mind. My DH - being 9 years older than me - laughs it off and says after he dies I should enjoy the pension pot and have fun!
OP, I don't recall...are you getting help for your anxiety. if not, please do. People have told you what those without kids do and frankly I have kids and plan to do the same. You can hire people to take on just about any role and set up a checks and balances. I have relatives who did this. Continued care is a great option. You are stuck in a loop of obsessing. You don't seem to get that even those with kids may not be better off, especially if they age poorly and have many needs over many years. People burn out. Don't waste the rest of your life miserable. Get help for the anxiety and then plan it out.
Not OP, but you are a Pollyanna if you think you are just going to hire it out.
People quit. How do you hire new ones when you are cognitively impaired?
Anonymous
02/03/2022 20:55
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for taking the time to post your comments.
The reason I started this thread is because of my MIL. My MIL is 92 years old, she was widowed 10 years ago and she still lives in her own house. MIL suffers from dementia. She receives a lot of support from my DH and his 2 siblings, and from various home health aides.
MIL receives round the clock care in her own home, 24/7, 365 days a year. Cleaner/housekeeper 4 times a week, 3 live-in aides/companions (24/7) who work in shifts, other aides, and MIL's children who keep her company in rotation.
MIL is a wealthy woman, she can afford to hire aides round the clock. The reason she is getting so much hands on support is because her 3 children (including my DH) have financial POA and they hired the aides on her behalf.
DH and I will never get this kind of help when we are elderly, because we don't have children to organize the help for us, should we become cognitively impaired. So our job is to do the organising ourselves while we are still physically healthy and sound of mind. Forward planning is key, but how ...?
I find it quite depressing thinking of all of this right now. I sometimes suffer from bouts of anxiety and then I start catastrophizing things in my mind. My DH - being 9 years older than me - laughs it off and says after he dies I should enjoy the pension pot and have fun!
OP, I don't recall...are you getting help for your anxiety. if not, please do. People have told you what those without kids do and frankly I have kids and plan to do the same. You can hire people to take on just about any role and set up a checks and balances. I have relatives who did this. Continued care is a great option. You are stuck in a loop of obsessing. You don't seem to get that even those with kids may not be better off, especially if they age poorly and have many needs over many years. People burn out. Don't waste the rest of your life miserable. Get help for the anxiety and then plan it out.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 20:51
Subject: How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m 47 and single, no kids and never married. Live in a different country than my family, who are not close. I plan to go to the Netherlands for assisted suicide when I’m 65-70. I’m not depressed or suicidal, I just feel like that’s a long enough life and I don’t want to be alone and unable to care for myself. I want to be able to control how this end, peacefully.
This makes so much more sense than all the posts about who to trust with your financial and other issues when you become cognitively impaired and have nobody else. I mean, if you reach that state, why would you even care? We allow people to live way too long. My father just died last month at the age of 89 and the last three years of his life have been absolutely horrendous--for him, my mother and me. And now, I have mountains of resentment toward my mother who expects me to go see her once a week--she lives 3 hours from me. I have a full-time job here and a very busy teenager at home. I just can't and she is impossible to be around. I do not ever want to be the person who my kids don't want to deal with. If I get to 65, I will consider the rest gravy and hope I don't live to a state of such physical and mental decline that any of this is a question. I will follow PP's plan and head to the Netherlands if it comes near.
I relate so much. I gave everything I had being there for dad and dealing with my crazy mom who could not handle any of it with tons of help. I have no regrets in that area because he was good to me. I would be thrilled if my mother told me she never wanted to see me again because I am forever burned out from her tantrums, nastiness, immaturity and entitlement all those years and now. I feel like I can't just cut off from her, but it drains me completely seeing her and just think what is the point. Mom wanted to prolong dad's life when he was a vegetable. It was cruel and inhumane to watch him suffer. She is so insanely afraid of death. My only hope is my kids are happy in their lives and my husband and I both die peacefully without this long prolonged nightmare.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 18:33
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Thank you for taking the time to post your comments.
The reason I started this thread is because of my MIL. My MIL is 92 years old, she was widowed 10 years ago and she still lives in her own house. MIL suffers from dementia. She receives a lot of support from my DH and his 2 siblings, and from various home health aides.
MIL receives round the clock care in her own home, 24/7, 365 days a year. Cleaner/housekeeper 4 times a week, 3 live-in aides/companions (24/7) who work in shifts, other aides, and MIL's children who keep her company in rotation.
MIL is a wealthy woman, she can afford to hire aides round the clock. The reason she is getting so much hands on support is because her 3 children (including my DH) have financial POA and they hired the aides on her behalf.
DH and I will never get this kind of help when we are elderly, because we don't have children to organize the help for us, should we become cognitively impaired. So our job is to do the organising ourselves while we are still physically healthy and sound of mind. Forward planning is key, but how ...?
I find it quite depressing thinking of all of this right now. I sometimes suffer from bouts of anxiety and then I start catastrophizing things in my mind. My DH - being 9 years older than me - laughs it off and says after he dies I should enjoy the pension pot and have fun!
The reason I started this thread is because of my MIL. My MIL is 92 years old, she was widowed 10 years ago and she still lives in her own house. MIL suffers from dementia. She receives a lot of support from my DH and his 2 siblings, and from various home health aides.
MIL receives round the clock care in her own home, 24/7, 365 days a year. Cleaner/housekeeper 4 times a week, 3 live-in aides/companions (24/7) who work in shifts, other aides, and MIL's children who keep her company in rotation.
MIL is a wealthy woman, she can afford to hire aides round the clock. The reason she is getting so much hands on support is because her 3 children (including my DH) have financial POA and they hired the aides on her behalf.
DH and I will never get this kind of help when we are elderly, because we don't have children to organize the help for us, should we become cognitively impaired. So our job is to do the organising ourselves while we are still physically healthy and sound of mind. Forward planning is key, but how ...?
I find it quite depressing thinking of all of this right now. I sometimes suffer from bouts of anxiety and then I start catastrophizing things in my mind. My DH - being 9 years older than me - laughs it off and says after he dies I should enjoy the pension pot and have fun!
Anonymous
02/03/2022 12:28
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:My mom has had serious mental illnesses (schizo-affective disorder and bipolar disorder) since I was around 4 years old. My dad abandoned us when I was 6 so, needless to say, life was tough for my mom, me and my two older sisters. Somehow, I managed to make it through college and law school, get married and have two sweet babies (now pre-teens). When dating my then-boyfriend, now husband, I explained that I would not be putting my mom in a nursing home in her old age. When we bought our first house together (about 10 years ago), we moved my mom in with us. It has not been easy. Her meds keep her "just" sane enough most days but not all days. My amazing husband has more patience for her than I do, since, as he notes "she's a very sick person." My children also see that she is very sick and have learned to treat her with kindness.
Aside from the challenges of dealing with a mentally unstable person, we have supported her though 2 hip surgeries, skin cancer, surgery to correct pelvic prolapse, lots of physical therapy and, of course, many visits to see her psychiatrist.
Did I mention it has not been easy? I have gone through periods where I literally hated her, hated my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. But this I know, putting her in a nursing home would subject her to an extremely sad ending to an extremely sad life. My mom, after her hip surgeries, has stayed at some of the nicest nursing homes in the DC Metro area and I'm sorry to say that even the nicest nursing homes in the DC metro area are not very nice. It's where people go to die. No matter how nice some of the staff are (and we met some incredible staff), they are still overworked and underpaid for what they do. They still managed to mess up her meds sometimes. She still got UTI's. It's simply not a place you put someone if you care anything about them.
I have very vivid memories of my mom struggling to keep two jobs so my sisters and I would not end up in foster care. I recall her being hospitalized for 2 weeks, being discharged and going on job interviews two days later (this usually happened every 6-9 months). She never, ever gave up. And even though my childhood was plenty sad, and even tragic - I know that without her motivation to protect us, it could have been so much worse.
I sometimes wonder what motivates me to keep her in my home, despite the incredible challenges she presents. Guilt? Do I have some kind of savior-syndrome? I don't know.
My life could be so much different if she didn't live with us, but I can't say it would be better. The thought of my sick mom, lying alone in a nursing home bed, would simply make me miserable.
Are you sure you are the right thread? OP does not have any adult children and is lamenting what will happen to her as she ages.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:52
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
My mom has had serious mental illnesses (schizo-affective disorder and bipolar disorder) since I was around 4 years old. My dad abandoned us when I was 6 so, needless to say, life was tough for my mom, me and my two older sisters. Somehow, I managed to make it through college and law school, get married and have two sweet babies (now pre-teens). When dating my then-boyfriend, now husband, I explained that I would not be putting my mom in a nursing home in her old age. When we bought our first house together (about 10 years ago), we moved my mom in with us. It has not been easy. Her meds keep her "just" sane enough most days but not all days. My amazing husband has more patience for her than I do, since, as he notes "she's a very sick person." My children also see that she is very sick and have learned to treat her with kindness.
Aside from the challenges of dealing with a mentally unstable person, we have supported her though 2 hip surgeries, skin cancer, surgery to correct pelvic prolapse, lots of physical therapy and, of course, many visits to see her psychiatrist.
Did I mention it has not been easy? I have gone through periods where I literally hated her, hated my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. But this I know, putting her in a nursing home would subject her to an extremely sad ending to an extremely sad life. My mom, after her hip surgeries, has stayed at some of the nicest nursing homes in the DC Metro area and I'm sorry to say that even the nicest nursing homes in the DC metro area are not very nice. It's where people go to die. No matter how nice some of the staff are (and we met some incredible staff), they are still overworked and underpaid for what they do. They still managed to mess up her meds sometimes. She still got UTI's. It's simply not a place you put someone if you care anything about them.
I have very vivid memories of my mom struggling to keep two jobs so my sisters and I would not end up in foster care. I recall her being hospitalized for 2 weeks, being discharged and going on job interviews two days later (this usually happened every 6-9 months). She never, ever gave up. And even though my childhood was plenty sad, and even tragic - I know that without her motivation to protect us, it could have been so much worse.
I sometimes wonder what motivates me to keep her in my home, despite the incredible challenges she presents. Guilt? Do I have some kind of savior-syndrome? I don't know.
My life could be so much different if she didn't live with us, but I can't say it would be better. The thought of my sick mom, lying alone in a nursing home bed, would simply make me miserable.
Aside from the challenges of dealing with a mentally unstable person, we have supported her though 2 hip surgeries, skin cancer, surgery to correct pelvic prolapse, lots of physical therapy and, of course, many visits to see her psychiatrist.
Did I mention it has not been easy? I have gone through periods where I literally hated her, hated my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. But this I know, putting her in a nursing home would subject her to an extremely sad ending to an extremely sad life. My mom, after her hip surgeries, has stayed at some of the nicest nursing homes in the DC Metro area and I'm sorry to say that even the nicest nursing homes in the DC metro area are not very nice. It's where people go to die. No matter how nice some of the staff are (and we met some incredible staff), they are still overworked and underpaid for what they do. They still managed to mess up her meds sometimes. She still got UTI's. It's simply not a place you put someone if you care anything about them.
I have very vivid memories of my mom struggling to keep two jobs so my sisters and I would not end up in foster care. I recall her being hospitalized for 2 weeks, being discharged and going on job interviews two days later (this usually happened every 6-9 months). She never, ever gave up. And even though my childhood was plenty sad, and even tragic - I know that without her motivation to protect us, it could have been so much worse.
I sometimes wonder what motivates me to keep her in my home, despite the incredible challenges she presents. Guilt? Do I have some kind of savior-syndrome? I don't know.
My life could be so much different if she didn't live with us, but I can't say it would be better. The thought of my sick mom, lying alone in a nursing home bed, would simply make me miserable.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:51
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
For those in your 40s and 50s whether you have children or not unless super wealthy, you should get advice on long term care insurance to cover in-home care, adult day programs and assisted, memory or nursing care options. Ww did this early when our closest friends both only children and knowing they would always be the ones supporting in various ways their two adult local children got it. We purchased a policy because our youngest daughter, who has a cognitive disability, resides with us to take the pressure off of us if one has a need for such care and to help our other two adult children have options on us, the parents, care. To be clear, we do not have the option of being able to use a continuing care place when there may be only one of us remaining and DD as my folks did , because DD can ‘t be served by one till age 62 as far as I can see. Yet she will never qualify for adult supported care through a Medicaid waiver because her health and behaviors are very good or put another way we hope she never does or the three of us would be viewed “in a critical level of crisis” at least here in Virginia.
Again, with her options on aging support services limited, it was wise to be proactive early on for ourselves. We have funds, but we are not super wealthy to be able to self insure future care. It is also scary when my Mom had memory and died at 96 and my Dad recently passed at 99. He was still golfing at 98 and driving locally till last spring. They were able to use the option of a life are setting in early 90s on. There is no easy answer to aging....bit I think a positive outlook most if the is better than constant doom and gloom.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:46
Subject: How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m 47 and single, no kids and never married. Live in a different country than my family, who are not close. I plan to go to the Netherlands for assisted suicide when I’m 65-70. I’m not depressed or suicidal, I just feel like that’s a long enough life and I don’t want to be alone and unable to care for myself. I want to be able to control how this end, peacefully.
This makes so much more sense than all the posts about who to trust with your financial and other issues when you become cognitively impaired and have nobody else. I mean, if you reach that state, why would you even care? We allow people to live way too long. My father just died last month at the age of 89 and the last three years of his life have been absolutely horrendous--for him, my mother and me. And now, I have mountains of resentment toward my mother who expects me to go see her once a week--she lives 3 hours from me. I have a full-time job here and a very busy teenager at home. I just can't and she is impossible to be around. I do not ever want to be the person who my kids don't want to deal with. If I get to 65, I will consider the rest gravy and hope I don't live to a state of such physical and mental decline that any of this is a question. I will follow PP's plan and head to the Netherlands if it comes near.
Wow, people. 65 is still fairly young. My parents are in their 80s, not the most healthiest of people or active, but they were fine until mid/late 70s.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:44
Subject: How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:I’m 47 and single, no kids and never married. Live in a different country than my family, who are not close. I plan to go to the Netherlands for assisted suicide when I’m 65-70. I’m not depressed or suicidal, I just feel like that’s a long enough life and I don’t want to be alone and unable to care for myself. I want to be able to control how this end, peacefully.
This makes so much more sense than all the posts about who to trust with your financial and other issues when you become cognitively impaired and have nobody else. I mean, if you reach that state, why would you even care? We allow people to live way too long. My father just died last month at the age of 89 and the last three years of his life have been absolutely horrendous--for him, my mother and me. And now, I have mountains of resentment toward my mother who expects me to go see her once a week--she lives 3 hours from me. I have a full-time job here and a very busy teenager at home. I just can't and she is impossible to be around. I do not ever want to be the person who my kids don't want to deal with. If I get to 65, I will consider the rest gravy and hope I don't live to a state of such physical and mental decline that any of this is a question. I will follow PP's plan and head to the Netherlands if it comes near.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:36
Subject: How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
I’m 47 and single, no kids and never married. Live in a different country than my family, who are not close. I plan to go to the Netherlands for assisted suicide when I’m 65-70. I’m not depressed or suicidal, I just feel like that’s a long enough life and I don’t want to be alone and unable to care for myself. I want to be able to control how this end, peacefully.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:32
Subject: Re:How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.
Potential social isolation can be solved.
But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?
Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.
Why is no one talking about this?
OP again.
You hit the nail on the head.
As I stated in my first post, my DH and I are childless. We will never have grandchildren.
DH is 9 years older than me.
Potential social isolation can be solved, as you say. Either we move into a 55+ community later in life (even if we had wanted to age in place) or we hire people to take care of us. But we don't have the financial resources to pay for aides and other helpers 24/7 for years and years.
What happens when one of us dies and the other becomes cognitively impaired? Even in an appropriate facility you would need a trusted person to make all kinds of decisions for you.
And who will be with you to keep you company and hold your hand in your final days? I don't want to die with just medical staff (strangers) around me. The thought alone is hideous.
Yes. I don't know the answer to it, and it is a very, very hard question.
You need a trust and an executor of the trust. Indicate in the trust what you want to happen should you become congnitively impaired. Obviously, it's not going to be easy to find a trusted executor, but find someone you trust as much as possible and have a discussion with them.
As for not having family around.. yes, that is what happens when you are chlidless and don't have close relatives.
Your other option is to join a church, and hope that you can create a community from there.
Anonymous
02/03/2022 11:26
Subject: How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
I think we all have to let go of the perfect way to age and die and we all need to build community whether married or not or you have kids or not. Sure a neighbor or friend or relative could help with some situations. As an adult child who has been there a tremendous amount for my parents I can tell you EVERYONE reaches a limit. After enough emergencies or errands or problems or dramas it just becomes too much. I have already decided past a certain age if I am diagnosed with cancer I will chose palliative care. I want my kids to enjoy adulthood and not be stressed out running to see me while managing married life, work and kids. There are no guarantees in life. We held vigil for my aunt before she died. After a while, when she didn't pass we stopped surrounding her and let her die in peace. She didn't want anyone holding her hand and she wouldn't die until we were advised to just not visit for a day. At one point her kids were so burned out and exhausted and her grandkids didn't want to visit anymore. I don't expect the world to revolve around me when I am dying. i hope I get see my loved ones and wish them happiness in the living world and let them know I have lived a good life and am ready to go. I will grateful for everyone who did anything for me, but I don't expect anyone, not even my kids to do too much.
My advice is to let go, enjoy your life, develop friendships where all you expect is to have some laughs and some company now and then. Stop worrying about death and what the end will look like.