My moms the same way op and I'm over it. If you don't care about my life I won't be in yours.

Good to see these comments. My mum is never unkind and is basically a decent person, but she never asks me how I am. I saw her today and asked her why she never asks me how I am, or how work is going, or what I’ve been up to since we last saw each other and she said she doesn’t like to be nosy. And she then acted like I was being horrible to her even though I was just saying I felt sad she never asked. I did feel very emotional as I’ve been going through a marriage break up for the second time (he left me for the second time in five years after two years back together) and she’s doesn’t know because she’s never asked ANYTHING. I told her a few months ago we were giving it another go, and she said that’s nice and changed the subject and has never mentioned it again. It took me over a year to tell her.

But she’s happy to spend an hour or more talking about her friends and what she’s been up to as I ask how so and so is and what she’s been up to.

Sometimes as I’m getting into my car to go home she will ask how my work is going and of course there’s no time to talk then…!

I’ve asked her previously to ask me how I am and she said she’s more interested in her own personal life/personal things. I am her daughter so surely part of her life and I visit her every couple of weeks. She doesn’t visit me as she can’t work out where I live as it’s a short train ride away even though she’s travelled by train hundreds of times over her life. I don’t mind going to her but another example of the onesidedness.

I not in contact with my dad so don’t get parental care from him either. He sends me some money from time to time which is great but doesn’t even send a happy birthday text or happy Christmas.

I feel so envious when I see people with parents who are interested in them and wonder what it is about me. I am a loving mum and am genuinely interested in my kids’ lives without overstepping so at least hopefully changing things.

I told my mum today that asking how someone is isn’t nosy, that it opens up the whole conversation and then they can tell you as much as they like. If they don’t want to talk they will just say I’m fine.

Felt good to write this down and feel like others understand. Best wishes to all and hope you’ve all got someone who asks you how you are and listens. It’s such a gift xx

I am amazing and comforted by all of these stories from other women with NMoms. Seriously, I could’ve written these responses myself. My mother never calls me unless someone dies and she has to dramatically cry it into the phone a split second after I say “Hello”. She doesn’t even call on birthdays or holidays, she texts which I find disconnected. I used to call her to chat and because i wanted to update her on my kids lives, but she always redirects the conversation back to her health woes and doctor appointments and who was rude to her at the grocery store, so I basically don’t call her either anymore.

I have my dh call my mom for me. Saves me the guilt and the controlling pattern. She talks about the weather in her town, he doesn't mind. He can chat with anyone. I email with her. That way, if she says something rude, I have written proof.

One of my kids has serious medical issues. Mom only asks for updates when a relative asks her. She doesn't just tell the person to call me because mom needs to control all conversations with family.


I finally burned out of phone convos with mom and stick to text.
Mom's favorite topics of conversation are:

Telling me who got fat.
Telling me why other people's children and grandchildren are better than hers.
Talking about women she finds beautiful and going into great deal about their beauty. I have pondered whether she is latently gay and that's why she is anti gay rights-self-loathing.
Tirades against Dems and singing the praises of Trump
Guilt trips, complaints and insults
Gossiping about her frenemies-she has few friends, but many frenemies
Complaining about her health problems and sharing why she had to tell of another receptionist/nurse/doctor

The only time the woman can enjoy life and be pleasant is when she is medicated, but only feels like herself when unmedicated and hostile.

Mine asks about my work only if one of her friends or neighbors asks her and she needs to report back to them. Like it takes someone else's question to make her realize that she has no clue what I do. Then she says, "repeat that again, I need to write it down to take when I see Linda at luncheon." But doesn't seem at all interested for herself.

As for my general well being, she just says "so things are good with you?" But doesn't wait for an answer, just plows ahead into her story about Linda's brother's dogs or whatever.

I’m so glad someone topped this because I’ve been thinking about it in the last 24 hours. My husband talks to his mom every day and gently scolds me for not talking to mine.

My mother never calls me. I used to call her every Sunday, but now call every other or every third week. She’ll talk for an hour about her work drama (she doesn’t have to work, but is convinced they’d be lost without her) and never ask how I’m doing. I just looked at my call history and the last time I had an incoming call from her was August 1st.

I know it’s narcissism. It still stinks

My Mom doesn't really like chatting. I feel like she's closer to a traditional "Dad" than the chatty moms described on this thread. She'll tell me a couple things, maybe let me get one thing out about the kids or my job, then she's like "well I'll let you go..."

Our conversations are rarely more than five minutes, maybe ten if the kids come to say hi

Anonymous wrote:After reading a bunch of these comments it seems to me that those of you with these narcissistic moms should maybe just let them talk, stop expecting them to ask you questions about yourself or your life, just listen and occasionally comment on what they are saying.

If you actually would like to have a positive relationship with someone who really cares about you, your life, your kids and your family, then find someone who does care, like a friend or another family member or even some lonely old person in a nursing home. Have actual two way conversations with them regularly. Hopefully this will fulfill your need for that type of a relationship and you will stop expecting your mom to change at an old age. Pick someone who is not a narcissist.

This is exactly what I do. Doesn’t make it any less annoying, and it’s helpful to hear others are in the same boat. It’s not like it’s such a heinous offense that I’m going to cut her out of my life. So I just keep calling and keep sitting there silently with the phone held up to my ear.

Anonymous wrote:After reading a bunch of these comments it seems to me that those of you with these narcissistic moms should maybe just let them talk, stop expecting them to ask you questions about yourself or your life, just listen and occasionally comment on what they are saying.

If you actually would like to have a positive relationship with someone who really cares about you, your life, your kids and your family, then find someone who does care, like a friend or another family member or even some lonely old person in a nursing home. Have actual two way conversations with them regularly. Hopefully this will fulfill your need for that type of a relationship and you will stop expecting your mom to change at an old age. Pick someone who is not a narcissist.

This is terrible advice.

Anonymous wrote:After reading a bunch of these comments it seems to me that those of you with these narcissistic moms should maybe just let them talk, stop expecting them to ask you questions about yourself or your life, just listen and occasionally comment on what they are saying.

If you actually would like to have a positive relationship with someone who really cares about you, your life, your kids and your family, then find someone who does care, like a friend or another family member or even some lonely old person in a nursing home. Have actual two way conversations with them regularly. Hopefully this will fulfill your need for that type of a relationship and you will stop expecting your mom to change at an old age. Pick someone who is not a narcissist.

That still doesn’t take the place of your mom. Having my mom so disinterested in my family and I is honestly so hurtful.

After reading a bunch of these comments it seems to me that those of you with these narcissistic moms should maybe just let them talk, stop expecting them to ask you questions about yourself or your life, just listen and occasionally comment on what they are saying.

If you actually would like to have a positive relationship with someone who really cares about you, your life, your kids and your family, then find someone who does care, like a friend or another family member or even some lonely old person in a nursing home. Have actual two way conversations with them regularly. Hopefully this will fulfill your need for that type of a relationship and you will stop expecting your mom to change at an old age. Pick someone who is not a narcissist.

My mother would have those monologues. If I told her something she would later turn it against me, months and years later. She passed away and honestly I can now have a true relationship with my dad, for the first time since I was about 18.
I think it’s mental illness but nothing is forever and this too shall pass.

I’m in a similar situation and started paying attention to it during the pandemic. Right now, it has been just a few days more than 18 months since my mother last asked me a question about myself. And I mean any question- what’s the weather like at your house, what’s for dinner, did you see that show? Nothing.

^^
Because having friends somewhere else means I'm less likely to live near her. Which is sweet in some ways, but also not very healthy.