Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.




https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has affair written all over. I'd hire a PE and track her move.

Not necessarily.

op mentions she’s said she’s been unhappy for years. But doesn’t say why she’s been unhappy.

Op mentions they used to talk about their issues. But not what those issues were or if they were satisfactorily changed or fixed.

Op also mentions the emotional affair.

Op also mentions that he’s shocked she is seeking a divorce….

It’s wont matter legally. Most states are no fault these days, not Virginia though.

Anonymous wrote:

Reflecting on past experiences is part of getting his life on track, which is what the OP asked about.

Priority now is to figure out how to be an adequate father. If he can't figure out what was wrong in his marriage he may make the same mistakes in parenting. Being checked out and not taking responsibility is a good way to make your children hate being at your house and lose respect for you.

JFC you’re still not getting it. He can do that reflection AFTER the divorce is final. He should emphatically NOT do it between today and that time. Priority now is to make sure he doesn’t get hosed in the divorce and in particular to make sure he gets 50/50 custody. It is absolutely not a priority to figure out what went wrong in the marriage. You obviously haven’t even been reading his comments because he said he was an involved dad, not a checked out one, and there is nothing he needs to do to be a better father.

DCUM women just can’t get past their fixation that “men are bad, everything is their fault, why can’t they stop being bad”. 🙄

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.



https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

Reflecting on past experiences is part of getting his life on track, which is what the OP asked about.

Priority now is to figure out how to be an adequate father. If he can't figure out what was wrong in his marriage he may make the same mistakes in parenting. Being checked out and not taking responsibility is a good way to make your children hate being at your house and lose respect for you.