Anonymous wrote:I think as we age and grow and change over time, we may want different things. Kids are biologically not possible naturally for women at a certain age. Therefore as women, it's a hard decision. What you feel at age 25.38,42,57 may all be different. Whereas a man could naturally father a kid at an older age, I suppose adoption is possible for someone but unless you are very well off and could position yourself as a quality candidate to parent, as a woman, good luck with having a kid at an older age.

But if you have a kid you may regret the days and nights and the energy and money on them but chances are I think at least you won't have that yearning and one day they leave you and you still have a life.

It's a really hard thing to say you'll never change. It's also silly for people not to admit regrets and mistakes. Those people aren't capable of growing. It's another thing if you choose not to have kids and are at peace with that choice - however - reiterating that time doesn't guarantee you will always feel the same way.

Personally I would rather err on having kids. Getting married over not. To have people and family in your life is worth the gamble. You gotta try and take that risk of happily ever after v no options ever.

Yearning - people choose not have kids because they don't have that yearning. Most reasons I have heard is that people simply don't want that experience in life. They don't want to have children hence there is no yearning for children or that lifestyle. I would suggest if you feel any yearning at all then yes have kids.

To say its silly of people not to admit mistakes is insinuating that you think people that don't have kids do regret but won't admit it. Because you would regret not having kids, you possibly can't understand others may feel differently.

Happily ever after - the fairy tale dream every little girl is sold, you will meeting prince charming get married have 2.2 children and live in a nice big house with a yard and a dog and have big Christmas's with all the family smiling, drinking hot chocolate. Movie after movie of the same life script. Yes people buy into it and want to live it, to live happily ever after or there is the fear of regret.

Some people simply want different things. This might blow your mind but you can have people and family in your life without having kids.

Besides the real scenario is if you have kids and do resent the time and money, kids can pick up on that and it can lead to ongoing lasting problems and broken relationships. Just go to the family forum and see all the problems. It certainly is a gamble.

It really is simply if you want kids have them if you don't then don't. I know for certain if I didn't travel I would regret that in my life, I know it in my bones, so yes there are things we just know about ourselves, if you really don't want kids then you know it in your bones. Its the same feeling as when you do want them.

I think as we age and grow and change over time, we may want different things. Kids are biologically not possible naturally for women at a certain age. Therefore as women, it's a hard decision. What you feel at age 25.38,42,57 may all be different. Whereas a man could naturally father a kid at an older age, I suppose adoption is possible for someone but unless you are very well off and could position yourself as a quality candidate to parent, as a woman, good luck with having a kid at an older age.

But if you have a kid you may regret the days and nights and the energy and money on them but chances are I think at least you won't have that yearning and one day they leave you and you still have a life.

It's a really hard thing to say you'll never change. It's also silly for people not to admit regrets and mistakes. Those people aren't capable of growing. It's another thing if you choose not to have kids and are at peace with that choice - however - reiterating that time doesn't guarantee you will always feel the same way.

Personally I would rather err on having kids. Getting married over not. To have people and family in your life is worth the gamble. You gotta try and take that risk of happily ever after v no options ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many parents who regret having children— it’s just that it’s taboo to admit. But like another poster said— grass is always greener on the other side.

I'd rather regret not having kids, than regret having them. As for OP;s friend I kinda of don't believe that she really wanted kids that much or truly regrets not having them, I think she misses not being able to tick that social marker off her box

So true. It is also true that openly admitting you regretted having them is taboo.

I know a couple who were married for many years. She wanted kids but he didn’t. He ended up leaving her, got a successful dream job, remarried and had kids. At that point, she was too old to have children and very hurt by putting her life on hold for him all those years. She ended up adopting. Her husband was mostly unemployed when they were together. I don’t know how she bounced back but she ended up adopting.

Anonymous wrote:There are so many parents who regret having children— it’s just that it’s taboo to admit. But like another poster said— grass is always greener on the other side.

I'd rather regret not having kids, than regret having them. As for OP;s friend I kinda of don't believe that she really wanted kids that much or truly regrets not having them, I think she misses not being able to tick that social marker off her box

There are so many parents who regret having children— it’s just that it’s taboo to admit. But like another poster said— grass is always greener on the other side.

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Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

Not this tired line again. Go visit several nursing homes and see how many people living in them have living children, then report back.

Huh? Children who love them and helped them move into assisted living or nursing home so that they could be better cared for? Who oversee their care to make sure they get the right medication, proper food, care and attention?

Do you really think they get care and attention and children supervise anything? The elderly get a shower once a week, they're drugged and sitting in bed most of the time and the children maybe visit weekly, if that. I'd rather die at home peacefully - parent with 2 kids

The PP "children oversee their care" is ridiculous. There's also a lot of elder abuse by children toward their own parents. No one here seems to think that their own child might abuse them but it happens.

Go and read the post "How Old Were Your Parents When They Started to Need Your Help?" in the Midlife and ElderCare section on DCUM. This is the norm!!

In fact there are many other long threads in this forum about all the care that very concerned and caring people are helping their elderly parents with - for many people it is A LOT OF WORK!

It is a lot of work. I say this as someone who supervised my mom’s home hospice with 24/7 CNAs—by “supervised” I mean my sister or I slept in mom’s spare bedroom almost every night for six months to make sure the CNAs showed up, give the meds, do things CNAs aren’t allowed to do like clip fingernails, and so on. This is while I continued to work FT job—the CNAs switched shifts at 8am so I’d know of there was a problem before I went out the door to work.

That said, I wouldn’t blame anybody for using a nursing home when a loved one is unable to take care of themselves. CNAs are very expensive (on top of mom’s mortgage and condo fees which still needed to be paid). And I was lucky that mom lived near enough, and not across the country, so I could manage her home care.

I think the decision of whether a woman has kids or not should be independent of what the man wants. Sounds like your sister gave up what she wanted to be accommodating for a man who wasn’t really involved with his existing kids and didn’t want any more. She recognized he probably wouldn’t be very involved with their children and would likely abandon them, too. So it was a decision based on the circumstances, rather than on what she really wanted.

I was in a similar situation - madly in love with a man who had older kids and didn’t want more, had a vasectomy scheduled and everything. I considered not having kids because I wanted to be with him so badly, but decided kids were more important to me and broke up with him. He did therapy for a year and then reached out wanting to get back together knowing I wanted my own kids. I was very clear that he wasn’t going to waste my time and fertility, we needed a strict timeline of marriage, getting pregnant, etc and we were going to get started right away. And that he was going to be an involved father, this wasn’t a favor he was doing for me and he isn’t off the hook. He agreed, we had kids, he’s a great dad. I would have absolutely regretted if I had stayed with him and not had my own children. But I also would have regretted it I hadn’t been upfront about my expectations and ended up with a deadbeat father.

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Anonymous wrote:As someone who is child-free by choice, I find it immensely odd when these discussions come up that so many think CFBC people pass on kids because of "travel and fun!" like we're perpetually stuck in our early 20s backpacking phase. Most of the CFBC people I know made that decision for bigger reasons such as knowing they wouldn't be good at it, or chronic illness, or intense jobs, or just it flat out didn't appeal to them. I don't think I've ever heard someone say, "think of all the travel and fun!" Weird.

All the CFBC people I know have health issues, family dysfunction that they didn’t want to perpetuate, or just didn’t want kids. None of them are off traveling and doing fun things all the time. They sleep more and make different activity/travel choices when they have time for those things, but mostly they’re just working and paying bills like everyone else.

In my case it's not health issues or family dysfunction. I just didn't want kids. I never had the urge. I appreciate the flexibility that not having kids gives us. But it's not the reason for it. We just didn't want kids. That's the reason.

I love being an aunt! I love kids. I just didn't want them for myself.

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Anonymous wrote:As someone who is child-free by choice, I find it immensely odd when these discussions come up that so many think CFBC people pass on kids because of "travel and fun!" like we're perpetually stuck in our early 20s backpacking phase. Most of the CFBC people I know made that decision for bigger reasons such as knowing they wouldn't be good at it, or chronic illness, or intense jobs, or just it flat out didn't appeal to them. I don't think I've ever heard someone say, "think of all the travel and fun!" Weird.

+1 they're all moms with very limited imaginations

My best friend is child free by choice mainly because she likes her freedom. She has a lot of hobbies, including skiing all over the world, and feels she would be resentful if she lost the ability to pick up and go at a moment’s notice. And I fully support her! You don’t need a “serious” reason to be child free. Just not wanting kids is enough of a reason.

-mom of two

It's not whether we "need" a serious reason or not. It's that so many people with kids seem to assume that we kid free by choice people are out living as if we are still in our 20s. Like we're not having kids because we're Peter Pans. They use this as a hook to denigrate us as immature and narcissistic and whatever else. Maybe what we actually are is self-aware enough not to give in to the extreme societal pressure or the threads like this designed to make us doubt our choices. Choices we've made for all sorts of reasons, that perhaps the "life has no MEANING without kids" can't conceive of - and don't bother asking about, because they are not self-aware enough to recognize the existence of other people's lives.

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Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

Not this tired line again. Go visit several nursing homes and see how many people living in them have living children, then report back.

Huh? Children who love them and helped them move into assisted living or nursing home so that they could be better cared for? Who oversee their care to make sure they get the right medication, proper food, care and attention?

Do you really think they get care and attention and children supervise anything? The elderly get a shower once a week, they're drugged and sitting in bed most of the time and the children maybe visit weekly, if that. I'd rather die at home peacefully - parent with 2 kids

So elderly at home by yourself unable to shower at all perhaps?!

Or - at home knowing that your children will LOOK OUT FOR YOU.

I used to volunteer at a senior home. Lots of seniors with kids who have little to do with them. If the kids were nice or they had the money they'd get them a full time nurses aide. I actually had a few seniors beg me to take them home or at least give them a day outside the facility. Very sad. Just because you have children does not mean they will look after you even if you were a good parent.

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not too late for your sister, there are so many kids that need to be adopted between 12 and 17, they need good stable families, she won’t be raising them from the ground up but what she will give them is a new homebase, when my kids are gone that’s what I’m gonna do.
These kids stay in the foster system and get moved around from time to time never find a place to call home, eventually they age out, are giving a little bit of assistance and then basically booted out.
It’s likely not going to be an immediate bond like she would have with an in ant but that could change over time; she’s basically just telling a kid that hey listen I’ve got you for the next three years or whatever but this will always be your home, go out into the world and come home for Christmas, call me when you have a bad break up, everyone deserves a place to dread going to Thanksgiving.

Did you see the episode on Dateline about the adoptive mom who was murdered by her adoptive son from South America?This was a kid she raised from age 4....I wouldn't trust a teenager to foster. Sorry.

And how many biological children have gone on to kill their parent or parents? Your logic is ridiculous. Thanks for the anecdote.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is child-free by choice, I find it immensely odd when these discussions come up that so many think CFBC people pass on kids because of "travel and fun!" like we're perpetually stuck in our early 20s backpacking phase. Most of the CFBC people I know made that decision for bigger reasons such as knowing they wouldn't be good at it, or chronic illness, or intense jobs, or just it flat out didn't appeal to them. I don't think I've ever heard someone say, "think of all the travel and fun!" Weird.

It’s just like how married people think singles are all out on dates, going shopping or having brunch all the time. I stopped doing that stuff in my early thirties. On Friday and Saturday nights, I’m home reading and cuddling with my dog. I have a job and bills to pay, and I’m tired, just like every other middle aged person.

One of my friends married when we were both about 25. Ten years later her husband leaves her and she’s texting me all the time to ask if I want to get mani pedis, or and go out for dinner and cosmopolitans. I’m like Hon, Sex and the City isn’t real and I haven’t had one of those since 2002. I stay home every night and have a hookup or two per year. She got married again pretty quickly.

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Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

Not this tired line again. Go visit several nursing homes and see how many people living in them have living children, then report back.

Huh? Children who love them and helped them move into assisted living or nursing home so that they could be better cared for? Who oversee their care to make sure they get the right medication, proper food, care and attention?

Do you really think they get care and attention and children supervise anything? The elderly get a shower once a week, they're drugged and sitting in bed most of the time and the children maybe visit weekly, if that. I'd rather die at home peacefully - parent with 2 kids

The PP "children oversee their care" is ridiculous. There's also a lot of elder abuse by children toward their own parents. No one here seems to think that their own child might abuse them but it happens.

Go and read the post "How Old Were Your Parents When They Started to Need Your Help?" in the Midlife and ElderCare section on DCUM. This is the norm!!

In fact there are many other long threads in this forum about all the care that very concerned and caring people are helping their elderly parents with - for many people it is A LOT OF WORK!

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been married for over 25 years. She's successful, has many friends, and is very active and well known in her community. Her husband had been married before, young, it ended ugly, and he has (now grown) children. He told her when they were young enough that he'd have kids with her if that's what she wanted, but that if it were up to him alone he really didn't want more kids. She elected not to have any.

The other day she told me she "immensely regrets" her decision. I was surprised.

I'm just curious if anyone else reading this is in the same boat, and how you're dealing with it. I feel badly for her.

I know someone in a similar situation but I'm not sure if she regrets it. Think of all that money and free time! lol

Think of growing alone and nobody taking care of you… oh wait, that’s USA 101

Not this tired line again. Go visit several nursing homes and see how many people living in them have living children, then report back.

Huh? Children who love them and helped them move into assisted living or nursing home so that they could be better cared for? Who oversee their care to make sure they get the right medication, proper food, care and attention?

Do you really think they get care and attention and children supervise anything? The elderly get a shower once a week, they're drugged and sitting in bed most of the time and the children maybe visit weekly, if that. I'd rather die at home peacefully - parent with 2 kids

The PP "children oversee their care" is ridiculous. There's also a lot of elder abuse by children toward their own parents. No one here seems to think that their own child might abuse them but it happens.

Go and read the post "How Old Were Your Parents When They Started to Need Your Help?" in the Midlife and ElderCare section on DCUM. This is the norm!!