Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had kids at 25 and 37 so I can attest that my parents now at 74 are much less able to be involved and brining them is just about as hard as taking kids because their mobility is so limited. My husband's parents are significantly younger and similar to how my parents were with my youngest child.

Good for you for snagging a younger dude for Kid 2.0 who has cool energetic parents as a bonus! Your old Boomer Parents can go suck eggs and die!

Oh no my husband is older than me! My parents had me at 35 and his parents had him at 25 so the age difference is mostly due to that.

Anonymous wrote:Well all 4 of mine were 60 and newly retired/soon to be retired when we had our kids. And ours will be the only grandchildren on both sides. We're suffocated and constant demands really strain us. They aren't helpful because they want to enjoy their retirement, but on the same time, they want grandchildren to put on a command performance. They want crazy travel with us and the grandchildren. They have time to host massive christmases when DH and I are burnt out and want small christmases. It's just hard. It's like they all have way too much time on their hands.

AMEN. I completely feel this. My MIL who lives locally here in DC also was a stay-at-home-mom and I feel like she's constantly, in a very out-of-touch-way, implies to me that I "get" my 8 month old all the time and "whenever I need a break," she'd like to see him, however with my husband and I both working long hours, I'm lucky if I get an hour with him on weeknights, and it doesn't seem to register that - while we try and include them in our schedules as much as we can and are kind about it - weekends are not full "grandparent time" as I also like to meet up with my friends and their kids and have one on one or immediate family time with our son.

Totally get the holiday thing too. We are EXHAUSTED and Xmas is the one week a year both my husband and I have a vacation (he works full time and is in grad school part time), and both sets of grandparents are pushing for time, and we have had to explain that we haven't even had time alone as a family w/o working literally since my son was born in March since my husband didn't take leave from school.

Any advice or suggestions you have on handling those conversations is greatly appreciated. I just feel like we don't even have time for ourselves, let alone others. Only grandchild on both sides, as well, and I literally constantly feel like I'm disappointing with people and when we do see grandparents, conversation is nonstop (no joke) centered on "Why don't we see our grandson more".

I will never forget begging my mother to come help with my newborn twins because one was going go have surgery and we were going back and forth from the hospital and couldn't take her twin with us for various reasons. At the end of the stay, she told my husband we were going to mess up the twin who wasn't hospitalized with our neglect. I guess she didn't get why we asked her to come and help. This woman talks trash about everyone. If she has met you and your child, she will tell you and anyone who will listen that you should not teach your baby sign because they won't talk til they are four (her latest assessment of my cousins baby--my cousin has her masters in early childhood development and knows Jack apparently.)

I agree bad parents make bad grandparents to an extent. My mom and dad are pretty terrible people and have seen their grandchildren twice (well once for my dad) in 6 years. They visit my sisters family every year but they are in driving distance (two day drive with loads of relatives in between) and we are a direct 4 hour flight. I try not to think about it since my husband's family is amazing. While his father (90) is in extreme decline, his mother is as involved as she can be given covid and living on the other coast. During non covid she visited twice a year.

Becoming a parent really shook me since I realized how terrible my own parents were. I had clues along the way but I looked at my daughter and wondered how any mother could say "why would he want you?" About a boyfriend. She also beat us and I don't understand how you could beat a child. Anyhow I hope my parents stay where they are--far away from my kids. They won't know them and that is okay.

Anonymous wrote:PP and there’s a sense of grandparent entitlement that this generation of grandparents has. I’ve spent 20+ years as a mom managing three grandparents’ expectations. My kids are young adults and a teen - DC are responsible for cultivating and maintaining relationships with their grandparents now.

My own mom is the worst - overbearing and scorekeeping and laments that her grandchildren (some 1500 miles away) don’t visit as often and then when they do, she is bothered that they don’t spend 24/7 time with her (visiting friends, sleeping late, shopping, sightseeing…all recent complaints I had to hear).

My grandparents were the opposite-they loved just having us visit. No expectations. They were always concerned we’d be bored at their quiet house - and it ended up being so relaxing and a respite.

This is true. My own grandparents' house - you could do what you wanted; they sort of encouraged you to sleep in as a college kid, then fed you homemade food etc. and if you seemed bored, were always trying to take you places/buy you a book or something etc. But you didn't HAVE to do anything; if you just want to lounge in front of their tv and chat, they were happy to have you. Now it seems more about - exactly what did they do when here; how many activities - i.e. how many pics did I get with them; etc. Maybe it's because boomer are more go-go-go themselves but really I think social media has something to do with it too - they want to show their grandparent friends that they went 8 different places with their grandkids, whether grandkids wanted to or not is irrelevant.

Anonymous wrote:I had kids at 25 and 37 so I can attest that my parents now at 74 are much less able to be involved and brining them is just about as hard as taking kids because their mobility is so limited. My husband's parents are significantly younger and similar to how my parents were with my youngest child.

Good for you for snagging a younger dude for Kid 2.0 who has cool energetic parents as a bonus! Your old Boomer Parents can go suck eggs and die!

DH and I had first child at 32. We had the second round of GC for both families as next youngest cousins were already 8 or 9. Both sets of Boomer GP were awesome and helped out. They stayed with DC when we went away, came to our house for holidays, etc. They are all hitting 80 now as DC are in MS and HS but still make every effort to stay connected to our kids.

I had kids at 25 and 37 so I can attest that my parents now at 74 are much less able to be involved and brining them is just about as hard as taking kids because their mobility is so limited. My husband's parents are significantly younger and similar to how my parents were with my youngest child.

Anonymous wrote:It will be interesting to see how the parents posting (whiners, entitled, complainers) are perceived by their children in 20 years. Doubt it will be glowing/cherished/appreciative.

Not a Grand, yet.

Ahhh, spoken like a true boomer.

It will be interesting to see how the parents posting (whiners, entitled, complainers) are perceived by their children in 20 years. Doubt it will be glowing/cherished/appreciative.

Not a Grand, yet.

Crappy parents = crappy grandparents.

PP and there’s a sense of grandparent entitlement that this generation of grandparents has. I’ve spent 20+ years as a mom managing three grandparents’ expectations. My kids are young adults and a teen - DC are responsible for cultivating and maintaining relationships with their grandparents now.

My own mom is the worst - overbearing and scorekeeping and laments that her grandchildren (some 1500 miles away) don’t visit as often and then when they do, she is bothered that they don’t spend 24/7 time with her (visiting friends, sleeping late, shopping, sightseeing…all recent complaints I had to hear).

My grandparents were the opposite-they loved just having us visit. No expectations. They were always concerned we’d be bored at their quiet house - and it ended up being so relaxing and a respite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Still doesn't give you license to insult a whole generation.

And yet Boomers routinely use anecdotes to generalize about and insult other generations? See, e.g., any discussion about Millennials in the workplace.

I realize that multiple anecdotes =/= data, but I have a number of friends whose Boomer parents are detached grandparents who are more concerned with their own lives and social activities than their grandchildren. Maybe this is just my/our misfortune, and maybe the difference is divorced vs. non-divorced Boomers, but possibly you should consider that your experience as devoted Boomer grandparents is the outlier, not mine.

I’m sorry but I have to agree. The boomers were a real something of a generation. I don’t think it’s the “waited to have kids” thing; I had my first at 30 so not super young but I didn’t have my first ten years later, either. It’s not the polite thing to say, but I think the massive damage that the Greatest Generation had (born into or just after the Flu Pandemic, the Depression and then the world war) really did a number on the boomers. In general, obviously, as not all of them emerged with damage, but I just think it’s a generational thing.

The Greatest Generation had it really rough in their younger years, so when they had kids of their own (Boomers) they typically excessively doted on them and spoiled them. For some Boomers, this may have given them a solid foundation to also be caring and generous. But for other Boomers (like my parents and most of the Boomers I know) it made them selfish and self centered. "It's all about me" is a motto my parents, ILs, and other I know follow.

HAHAHAHAHA

I've never seen a group of people more self-absorbed in my life than the women of DCUM! The irony.

Agree. Because other adults (their parents) lives do not orbit around their own needs then the grandparents are selfish. Really?😀 They can’t even see that their expectations make them the selfish ones. Other adults are not responsible for your life choices, that is on you. Can’t control the lives of other adults nor should you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with such “out of touch” grandparents sound miserable to be around. I may send my grandkids parents a huge gift tomorrow for appreciating what I do for them and allowing me to also live my life.

+1000

My sense is that there are a lot of working women on this thread who are frustrated because they expected their mothers to be their children's babysitters.

My mom worked and my grandparents took us every thanksgiving, winter, spring break and long weekend. They even came for 1/2 days. We also spent a lot of tie during the summer with them.

My parents haven't babysat once. My mom is retired and she'll help out her friends, watch her boyfriend's grandkids for weeks at a time and on the rare occasion I've had an emergency she says's she's too busy. Its sad as my kids are young teens and have no interest in them for the once or twice a year lets go out to eat. My grandparents paid for a lot of my college and graduate school. My parents don't even get my kids birthday or holiday gifts. On a rare occasion my parents might buy a book or two once or twice a year, but really bizarre books, nothing anyone would have interest in and some really inappropriate.

After the first few weeks, when my day care situation fell through, I realize my parents wouldn't help as I asked them to watch the baby for a few weeks a few days a week and my husband would flex until I got child care and they said no. So, my mom got mad I quit but i had no other choice as its near impossible to get a day care slot last minute and we couldn't afford a nanny.

Why didn’t you go back to work once you found a new daycare? That doesn’t make sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with such “out of touch” grandparents sound miserable to be around. I may send my grandkids parents a huge gift tomorrow for appreciating what I do for them and allowing me to also live my life.

+1000

My sense is that there are a lot of working women on this thread who are frustrated because they expected their mothers to be their children's babysitters.

My mom worked and my grandparents took us every thanksgiving, winter, spring break and long weekend. They even came for 1/2 days. We also spent a lot of tie during the summer with them.

My parents haven't babysat once. My mom is retired and she'll help out her friends, watch her boyfriend's grandkids for weeks at a time and on the rare occasion I've had an emergency she says's she's too busy. Its sad as my kids are young teens and have no interest in them for the once or twice a year lets go out to eat. My grandparents paid for a lot of my college and graduate school. My parents don't even get my kids birthday or holiday gifts. On a rare occasion my parents might buy a book or two once or twice a year, but really bizarre books, nothing anyone would have interest in and some really inappropriate.

After the first few weeks, when my day care situation fell through, I realize my parents wouldn't help as I asked them to watch the baby for a few weeks a few days a week and my husband would flex until I got child care and they said no. So, my mom got mad I quit but i had no other choice as its near impossible to get a day care slot last minute and we couldn't afford a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Still doesn't give you license to insult a whole generation.

And yet Boomers routinely use anecdotes to generalize about and insult other generations? See, e.g., any discussion about Millennials in the workplace.

I realize that multiple anecdotes =/= data, but I have a number of friends whose Boomer parents are detached grandparents who are more concerned with their own lives and social activities than their grandchildren. Maybe this is just my/our misfortune, and maybe the difference is divorced vs. non-divorced Boomers, but possibly you should consider that your experience as devoted Boomer grandparents is the outlier, not mine.

I’m sorry but I have to agree. The boomers were a real something of a generation. I don’t think it’s the “waited to have kids” thing; I had my first at 30 so not super young but I didn’t have my first ten years later, either. It’s not the polite thing to say, but I think the massive damage that the Greatest Generation had (born into or just after the Flu Pandemic, the Depression and then the world war) really did a number on the boomers. In general, obviously, as not all of them emerged with damage, but I just think it’s a generational thing.

+100

My grandparents (“Greatest Generation”) were violent alcoholics. My parents grew up with abuse snd neglect, but no one called that back then. I’ve known since I was young that my parents are emotionally stunted. I feel bad for them, but I also feel sad for myself because it obviously seriously impacted my own childhood and my relationship with them. They often look to me to fulfill emotional needs they never had filled as children. It’s not healthy and I’ve had to establish firm boundaries with them.

This absolutely plays into their expectations as grandparents. They want their grandkids to fill that hole in their lives left by their awful parents (who no doubt had their own trauma that never got addressed). The idea that it is the role of adults to love and support children and help to fulfill their needs is confusing for my parents. In terms of emotional development, they are themselves still children. And there’s nothing I can do about it— I can’t parent them and I’m not their therapist.

PP you’re replying to and this is 100% the primary issue with one of my parents. Trauma that was inflicted on them by the members of the greatest generation and the way the trauma was dealt with stunted this parent, and I have seen this with many of my friends’ parents, too.