Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I go to many functions that don't serve alcohol. It is okay not to offer or serve alcohol.

Agree with you--do not mention BYOB.

Your guests can get smashed after they leave your house.

I love the nuance and subtlety of your thinking. Guests who enjoy alcoholic beverages are just waiting to GET SMASHED the second they leave a dry gathering.

My grandfather got up and left my parents' rehearsal dinner when he found out it was dry, and several guests including most of the groomsmen went with him. They all went to the nearest bar to get smashed. It happens, alcoholics put their addiction over their relationships all the time.

If you are recently sober then DO NOT host heavy drinking in laws. Do you have a sponsor? You need to talk to a therapist or your AA group about this.

Good luck, op. Whatever you decide, make sure you have an ally. Could be your spouse, but better to have another one, too, who will be around and help you through this gathering. Or be available by phone. Your sponsor? I'd happily do that for a friend.

My family has plenty of gatherings with no alcohol, but it would be weird for my spouse's family. I can see them being judgemental about something like this. It sucks and reflects more about them than any decisions you are making. Stay strong, op. If it's too much for you to host right now, you need to tell them as soon as possible, but you don't need to tell them why if you're not yet ready.

Never heard of an adult party without alcohol. Interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently had to quit drinking. If I host a dinner party and serve a great spread (like I usually do) with a variety of non-alcoholic beverages, do you think guests will be put off or think I’m cheap or a bad host? The guests are heavy drinkers (drinking during daytime kid birthday parties, sneaking drinks at public parks, etc). When I’ve hosted in the past, I’ve always served alcohol, but can’t do that anymore. I never told them I quit.

If they brought their own, which some of them probably will, they can drink it and take it home. I don’t want to tell people to BYOB though. That sounds cheap to me.

Your house, your party, your preferences.

I like thr taste of alcohol and have a few drinks a month, but I actually don't drink if I am out and driving home. It just isn't worth it.

I think I worry these friends sound terrible. Maybe it is not you, it is them.

Pp here. Holy cow OP. I am so sorry you have to deal with in-laws who are not in a place to be normal people. Since they are in-laws, I would have your DH let them now you won't be serving alcohol this year but will have a great gathering. If they ask, I would just tell them. They are going to find out anyhow. We don't have any alcohol at a number of family events because my sister in law's husband's brother is in recovery. I actually never noticed it. A year or so ago, my sister-in-law said something in passing. Take care of yourself first and foremost OP!

Anonymous wrote:I recently had to quit drinking. If I host a dinner party and serve a great spread (like I usually do) with a variety of non-alcoholic beverages, do you think guests will be put off or think I’m cheap or a bad host? The guests are heavy drinkers (drinking during daytime kid birthday parties, sneaking drinks at public parks, etc). When I’ve hosted in the past, I’ve always served alcohol, but can’t do that anymore. I never told them I quit.

If they brought their own, which some of them probably will, they can drink it and take it home. I don’t want to tell people to BYOB though. That sounds cheap to me.

Your house, your party, your preferences.

I like thr taste of alcohol and have a few drinks a month, but I actually don't drink if I am out and driving home. It just isn't worth it.

I think I worry these friends sound terrible. Maybe it is not you, it is them.

We don’t serve alcohol. No one’s seems to mind. If you used to alcohol previously, you may want to let people know that you will not, given the lifestyle change you are making.

I would not ask people to BYOB. Not every party needs alcohol.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your comments!

OP here. Yes, the reason for quitting is alcoholism. The people coming over are my in-laws, so not like friends who I can distance myself from. DH is supportive of me and doesn’t drink when I’m around. His family are heavy drinkers. If someone had one or two drinks, I can handle that, but not when they drink a 6 pack of beer by themselves or bring a bottle of whiskey in their bag to mix with Coke. I’m not comfortable telling them that I’m recovering. They’re kind of judgmental.

OP - this is important information you left out. I think it limits your choices further. Speaking as the ex of an alcoholic who has really struggled with recovery (more relapses than I care to count) because he doesn’t protect his own needs (for similar reasons as you - doesn’t want to put anyone else out or deal with judgment): I recommend you tell them if you host there will not be alcohol, and If that is unacceptable you will not be offended if someone else hosts instead (you can offer to bring the main course or something). That way you have an escape route if being around it is harder than you think.

Not to go all 12-step in you, but #1 is recognizing you are powerless. Why put yourself in a risky situation you can’t get out of? Honestly - if they are judgmental, f**k them. You are doing something really important for yourself and those that love you. If your in laws aren’t supportive of that, you need to hold them at arms length right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let them know! I won’t be serving alcohol this year as I have stopped drinking. I will have a lot of delicious options!

I find it so strange that some adults can’t socialize without alcohol. If that’s you, you need to ask yourself what’s going on.

“I will have a lot of delicious options”. Well, when you put it like that…
I love delicious options!

What does this mean? Delicious options?? I only drink water, coffee, wine. Delicious options really just sounds like a calorie bomb and I can’t imagine people would rather have that than wine.

NP. I love flavored seltzers like La Croix.

Normal people with a healthy relationship with alcohol can take it or leave it. I enjoy a few drinks as much as the next girl, just like I enjoy a slice of good pizza or a piece of delicious chocolate. But just like I can enjoy a meal without pizza, I can also easily enjoy a meal without alcoholic drinks.

That being said, the people you are hosting don't have a healthy relationship with alcohol. If you can't communicate your boundaries to them, I'd avoid hosting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let them know! I won’t be serving alcohol this year as I have stopped drinking. I will have a lot of delicious options!

I find it so strange that some adults can’t socialize without alcohol. If that’s you, you need to ask yourself what’s going on.

“I will have a lot of delicious options”. Well, when you put it like that…
I love delicious options!

What does this mean? Delicious options?? I only drink water, coffee, wine. Delicious options really just sounds like a calorie bomb and I can’t imagine people would rather have that than wine.

Not "rude" per se but if your crowd is expecting it, you need to tell them in advance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I go to many functions that don't serve alcohol. It is okay not to offer or serve alcohol.

Agree with you--do not mention BYOB.

Your guests can get smashed after they leave your house.

I love the nuance and subtlety of your thinking. Guests who enjoy alcoholic beverages are just waiting to GET SMASHED the second they leave a dry gathering.

They will probably head to the closest bar. That’s embarrassing for the hostess.

It does sound like many of the guests are functioning alcoholics. Inviting them to a family event and springing on them that there is no alcohol AFTER they walk in the door is a recipe for disaster.

Perhaps this is the year that OP and her husband don't host? Or perhaps this is the year that they change the game plan. Instead of serving Thanksgiving dinner they host a morning brunch and the main meal of the day is elsewhere. Or perhaps OP and husband host the Thanksgiving after party with desserts and coffee.

It is a lot easier to get away with no alcohol for brunch or desserts than it is with the main dinner. Either way, not serving alcohol is fine as long as it is disclosed so that her husband's family isn't surprised and then embarrassed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your comments!

OP here. Yes, the reason for quitting is alcoholism. The people coming over are my in-laws, so not like friends who I can distance myself from. DH is supportive of me and doesn’t drink when I’m around. His family are heavy drinkers. If someone had one or two drinks, I can handle that, but not when they drink a 6 pack of beer by themselves or bring a bottle of whiskey in their bag to mix with Coke. I’m not comfortable telling them that I’m recovering. They’re kind of judgmental.

It's not a friggin' "dinner party" if it's your relatives, for Pete's sake. Why do DCUM posters insist on doing this -- not telling the whole story in their original post and then dripping out the details?

If you're not comfortable telling your in laws -- your family -- that you're in recovery and don't want them drinking at your house then don't have them over for dinner. Plain and simple. One thing you can't do is tell them they can't drink without any explanation.

+1 I have the same feeling. Everything else is a waste of time if you don't give the real deal. In this case it is an anonymous forum. No one knows who you are, OP. When people like you play this game it makes me think less of you because you're being so dramatic. It also makes me think that what others think of you is more spot on than your perceptions of them.

I completely agree with the PP that the way you manage relatives, your husband's family, is completely different than the way you manage a friend group. If you don't "get" that then there is a lot more wrong with you than being an alcoholic in recovery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I go to many functions that don't serve alcohol. It is okay not to offer or serve alcohol.

Agree with you--do not mention BYOB.

Your guests can get smashed after they leave your house.

I love the nuance and subtlety of your thinking. Guests who enjoy alcoholic beverages are just waiting to GET SMASHED the second they leave a dry gathering.

They will probably head to the closest bar. That’s embarrassing for the hostess.