Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, not all sex is hetero straight sex, so something to keep in mind as you’re thinking through how to have these conversations.

True but at age 5 I'm not explaining sex as sexuality but rather a biological function to procreate.

At age 9, DD met a 10 year old at Girl Scout camp who constantly told everyone she was a lesbian. And our kids have met out married gay male friends many times. So at 11 DD naturally asked about how they “do it.”

I simply told her that gay men use the butt. Or the mouth. And that lesbians can buy a fake p*nis made of rubber.

Whether gay or straight, she has a mostly general understanding of the act now at 13. It’s enough for now.

Omg. Are you serious??

Was that wrong? Did I describe it incorrectly??

Np here, but yes you did.

Explain what your response would have been as to how . . .

Sure. gay men don't all have sex involving the butt, many gay men do not engage in anal sex or at all, the same is true for lesbians and dildos, not all sex is penetrative even in hetero couples, try to be a little less sterotypical when teaching your kids.

OMG. Every thing you said could apply to straight people too. Your “explanation” tells a kid nothing.

Why don’t I just be explicit and tell the kids “well, sex can be non-penetrative. So sex can be anything you want it to be, YAY! Now you know all the details about straight and gay sex.”

Definitely by 2nd grade. Its a biology conversation no different than learning about baby birds. If you’re nervous Watch a nature show to start the conversation or get the books It’s Not the Stork / So Amazing to help you along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fear is this..... Telling kids that sex feels good and then saying, well you can't do it, it's not for you. Won't that make them want to do it even more???? I don't know, I grew up with super conservative parents with a no sex until marriage mentality and I don't want to be like that but I also don't want to be the mom who let's the high school boy friend spend the night.

Kids are 100% used to not being allowed to do all kinds of things that adults can. Eat all the candy they want, swear a lot, drive a car, live alone, have 12 snakes as pets. In various conversations, I have talked about both that sex should feel good and help you feel very close to another person that you love, and that it comes with a HUGE amount of responsibility to make good and careful choices about how you have sex (with protection, knowing the risks involved) and whom you choose to have sex with; and that having sex at all is a choice that should not be made lightly, and requires a lot of maturity to think all the potential consequences through and handle the emotional part of it.

Since they'd rather not think about any of those things right now (like babies, or STDs, or how to get condoms or BCP, or the impact of it on a relationship, or even having a relationship with someone else at all!), it makes perfect sense to them that sex is something they'll deal with when they're older. I also make it very plain that sex with someone else is not the only option for physical pleasure, that they should understand and be comfortable with their own bodies and what makes them feel good (ie, masturbation), which is a private and personal thing they have to figure out for themselves; and that just because you enjoy kissing someone doesn't mean you have to or should have sex with them, there are a lot of other things that fall short of sex but are also ways to show someone you care.

There is a ton of room for being honest about the pros and cons of sex that doesn't fall in "no sex until marriage" or "sure, your SO can spend the night!"

Also, like a pp mentioned, I had to re-explain some things when my 13YO told me she likes girls.

Bolded +1Million. Kids can be/are taught all sorts of things and be given the safety info and boundaries that surround them. We teach kids about fires and safety without expecting them to all become arsonists. They see people swimming, but we don’t let them jump in without swim fins, proper attire, lessons and supervision. Sex is no different. Its a topic they are ignorant on until we give them the appropriate information. It’s our job to teach them that humans are mammals that reproduce the same as other mammals and need affection and intimacy just the same. Its our job to teach them how to protect themselves and others from disease just like we do with Flu or Covid-19. Its our job to makes sex a normal healthy part of adult life and not something secret that has to be researched and stumbled through alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I figured I would do it when she asked (she has three younger siblings) and she just turned 9 and hasn’t asked. She knows about puberty, she knows about the sperm and the egg and embryology, she has just never asked me how the sperm gets to the egg. So I need to find a time to tell her and answer any questions she might have before it becomes titillating!

https://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763668745/ref=zg_bs_3245_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CGHD8KK0E4WPTPAFWR9K

https://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763644846

NP and thanks for these recs. Have an 8 year old boy who has literally never asked about anything related to it. Never where do babies come from, nor even how do babies get in/out when he realizes a woman is pregnant (which he has been exposed to and understands that mammals carry their offspring inside vs birds etc)- he just doesn't seem interested at all to know so we haven't had much in the way of discussion outside of body part names. I need something to get him started and don't know where to begin!

It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (The Family Library) — About $6 used online. We keep in the stack in the car. Recommended age 7 and up. And those of you who are ashamed — well, your kids will be too, right? So I say what was -never- said to me, “Sex between adults who agree and both want to do it is healthy and natural, and it should never be used to shame people or have power over people.”

Anonymous wrote:My fear is this..... Telling kids that sex feels good and then saying, well you can't do it, it's not for you. Won't that make them want to do it even more???? I don't know, I grew up with super conservative parents with a no sex until marriage mentality and I don't want to be like that but I also don't want to be the mom who let's the high school boy friend spend the night.

Kids are 100% used to not being allowed to do all kinds of things that adults can. Eat all the candy they want, swear a lot, drive a car, live alone, have 12 snakes as pets. In various conversations, I have talked about both that sex should feel good and help you feel very close to another person that you love, and that it comes with a HUGE amount of responsibility to make good and careful choices about how you have sex (with protection, knowing the risks involved) and whom you choose to have sex with; and that having sex at all is a choice that should not be made lightly, and requires a lot of maturity to think all the potential consequences through and handle the emotional part of it.

Since they'd rather not think about any of those things right now (like babies, or STDs, or how to get condoms or BCP, or the impact of it on a relationship, or even having a relationship with someone else at all!), it makes perfect sense to them that sex is something they'll deal with when they're older. I also make it very plain that sex with someone else is not the only option for physical pleasure, that they should understand and be comfortable with their own bodies and what makes them feel good (ie, masturbation), which is a private and personal thing they have to figure out for themselves; and that just because you enjoy kissing someone doesn't mean you have to or should have sex with them, there are a lot of other things that fall short of sex but are also ways to show someone you care.

There is a ton of room for being honest about the pros and cons of sex that doesn't fall in "no sex until marriage" or "sure, your SO can spend the night!"

Also, like a pp mentioned, I had to re-explain some things when my 13YO told me she likes girls.

If she's 10, she probably already knows. My mom tried to have the talk with me when I was 9. I heard kids on the playground talking about how the mom and dad peed on each other to have a baby and figured taht couldn't be right, so read a book in the library and figured it out. This was before the internet.

You should talk to her about it before she thinks this is something she can't talk about with you.

Anonymous wrote:My fear is this..... Telling kids that sex feels good and then saying, well you can't do it, it's not for you. Won't that make them want to do it even more???? I don't know, I grew up with super conservative parents with a no sex until marriage mentality and I don't want to be like that but I also don't want to be the mom who let's the high school boy friend spend the night.

If they ask when they are young and you tell them that it can feel good for adults in committed relationship, it'll still be too gross for them to consider.

My fear is this..... Telling kids that sex feels good and then saying, well you can't do it, it's not for you. Won't that make them want to do it even more???? I don't know, I grew up with super conservative parents with a no sex until marriage mentality and I don't want to be like that but I also don't want to be the mom who let's the high school boy friend spend the night.

My son has known about this since about age eight

Surely your 10 year old has some idea already, from her friends? Seeing animals? We started with "Its not the stork" book when DD was around 5 or 6. She us now 9. Also , been using some other "celebrate your bodies" books, she has know about puberty and periods since she was 7.

IMO if they have their period you need to tell them everything or you are at risk of ending up with a pregnant tween who didn't realize the attention she was getting is abuse

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. I can't remember specifically but she is 10 and it was years ago. Probably 6?

you explained a penis goes into a vagina to make a baby when she was 6???!!!

NP. Sure. Why not? If your kid asks for more information you shouldn’t lie to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, not all sex is hetero straight sex, so something to keep in mind as you’re thinking through how to have these conversations.

True but at age 5 I'm not explaining sex as sexuality but rather a biological function to procreate.

At age 9, DD met a 10 year old at Girl Scout camp who constantly told everyone she was a lesbian. And our kids have met out married gay male friends many times. So at 11 DD naturally asked about how they “do it.”

I simply told her that gay men use the butt. Or the mouth. And that lesbians can buy a fake p*nis made of rubber.

Whether gay or straight, she has a mostly general understanding of the act now at 13. It’s enough for now.

Omg. Are you serious??

Was that wrong? Did I describe it incorrectly??

Np here, but yes you did.

Explain what your response would have been as to how . . .

Sure. gay men don't all have sex involving the butt, many gay men do not engage in anal sex or at all, the same is true for lesbians and dildos, not all sex is penetrative even in hetero couples, try to be a little less sterotypical when teaching your kids.

DP. How can it be sex if it’s not penetrative?

Oh good grief. Such a heteronormative view of things. Sex is far more than straight PIV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, not all sex is hetero straight sex, so something to keep in mind as you’re thinking through how to have these conversations.

True but at age 5 I'm not explaining sex as sexuality but rather a biological function to procreate.

At age 9, DD met a 10 year old at Girl Scout camp who constantly told everyone she was a lesbian. And our kids have met out married gay male friends many times. So at 11 DD naturally asked about how they “do it.”

I simply told her that gay men use the butt. Or the mouth. And that lesbians can buy a fake p*nis made of rubber.

Whether gay or straight, she has a mostly general understanding of the act now at 13. It’s enough for now.

Omg. Are you serious??

Was that wrong? Did I describe it incorrectly??

Np here, but yes you did.

Explain what your response would have been as to how . . .

Sure. gay men don't all have sex involving the butt, many gay men do not engage in anal sex or at all, the same is true for lesbians and dildos, not all sex is penetrative even in hetero couples, try to be a little less sterotypical when teaching your kids.

DP. How can it be sex if it’s not penetrative?