Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would annoy me if I didn’t like my MIL. I’d just have some wine around and let her do all the work. She might expect you to clean because she’s cooking but I’d probably just do that since I didn’t have to cook (and I don’t like to cook).

But this is an epic mess. I am talking things that take many many steps.

I didn't realize how anal I am about cleaning as I go until I watched someone lose their mind in my kitchen and had to clean that night and the following morning to get things back to normal. I mean sugar spilled on the stove because it was used as a mixing surface. Yikes!

Anonymous wrote:My MIL takes over my kitchen when she visits (usually for a couple of months).

I am perfectly ok letting her do that. It is not a competition. I cannot understand the DILs who are freaking out with that.

OP, excuse yourself from kitchen duty. Let your DH and MIL handle everything. After MIL goes, get cleaners in to clean your kitchen.

Are you really that helpless?

See, I can’t imagine being so helpless that I’d have my MIL take over my kitchen and meals for months.

I would not die on this hill. I would, however, have DH clean behind her, and then arrange for someone to come in and deep clean the week after Thanksgiving. Your kitchen will be fine. Don’t stress over this, OP.

Why not be direct? Say, “I am very particular about my kitchen and sharing it in general is not fun for me. How can we make this work for both of us?” If she responds unreasonably you have much better grounds for just flatly saying no. But own your own control issues and make it a shared issue for you to resolve. Don’t beat around the bush!

Anonymous wrote:My MIL takes over my kitchen when she visits (usually for a couple of months).

I am perfectly ok letting her do that. It is not a competition. I cannot understand the DILs who are freaking out with that.

OP, excuse yourself from kitchen duty. Let your DH and MIL handle everything. After MIL goes, get cleaners in to clean your kitchen.

Are you really that helpless?

No, I’m not helpless at all in my own home, which is why I like to prepare food I enjoy, have some control over what is in my fridge for my family, and keep it clean to my standards. Sorry if you don’t get that. Your way of doing things would never work for me. I like to make sure my kids eat healthy meals, and I too like healthy fresh food, and I enjoy cooking. It’s not a competition - it’s my house.

My MIL takes over my kitchen when she visits (usually for a couple of months).

I am perfectly ok letting her do that. It is not a competition. I cannot understand the DILs who are freaking out with that.

OP, excuse yourself from kitchen duty. Let your DH and MIL handle everything. After MIL goes, get cleaners in to clean your kitchen.

Are you really that helpless?

If she prides herself on cooking this is her way of sharing with you and I'd make space for that, but it's also OK to set boundaries.

MIL I need the kitchen Wednesday 5pm - all day Thursday, but do you want to have it Wednesday am to make your dishes? Or do you want to make dinner Tuesday night?

Helps if you do this BEFORE she starts sending packages. I'd start setting boundaries now!

My MIL is a terrible, unconfident cook, and she always asks to make/bring stuff, and I always cringe because it's so unnecessary, but I just let her and try to compartmentalize my irritation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her use the kitchen and you don't say anything about it. It's only a week. DCUM has taught me that guests, especially guests that are family are allowed to do as they please in your home, your personal preferences of tidiness do not matter when you have a vision. It is about THEIR comfort. If you don't agree to this then no one will want to visit you, While you may not care if MIL visits your DH may like to have visits from his mother, and will just spend more time away from you.

I think most women would be delighted if their husband occasionally took the kids solo to visit his parents and they got the house to themselves for a few days, so this is probably not the “threat” you think it is.

Seriously!!! How do I make that happen??

Anonymous wrote:You let her use the kitchen and you don't say anything about it. It's only a week. DCUM has taught me that guests, especially guests that are family are allowed to do as they please in your home, your personal preferences of tidiness do not matter when you have a vision. It is about THEIR comfort. If you don't agree to this then no one will want to visit you, While you may not care if MIL visits your DH may like to have visits from his mother, and will just spend more time away from you.

I think most women would be delighted if their husband occasionally took the kids solo to visit his parents and they got the house to themselves for a few days, so this is probably not the “threat” you think it is.

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's rude and annoying. But, unless you are prepared to die on this hill, it is going to happen. If you accept it and embrace a week off from cooking/dishes, then you will be much less annoyed. Once she is gone, you get to put everything back the way it was.

I fought this from my MIL for a long time (along with side comments about the various ways she finds my kitchen defective), but now I just let her have free reign for the week, and visits are much more relaxed.

I meant "rein," but the typo kind of fits, too.

Of course it's rude and annoying. But, unless you are prepared to die on this hill, it is going to happen. If you accept it and embrace a week off from cooking/dishes, then you will be much less annoyed. Once she is gone, you get to put everything back the way it was.

I fought this from my MIL for a long time (along with side comments about the various ways she finds my kitchen defective), but now I just let her have free reign for the week, and visits are much more relaxed.

Haven’t read this whole thread but will say there are two sides to this coin. My MIL won’t lift a finger to cook during Thanksgiving or any other visit. Just waits fir the feast to be served. I would love help cooking and would hire a cleaning service to put things in place after. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You let her use the kitchen and you don't say anything about it. It's only a week. DCUM has taught me that guests, especially guests that are family are allowed to do as they please in your home, your personal preferences of tidiness do not matter when you have a vision. It is about THEIR comfort. If you don't agree to this then no one will want to visit you, While you may not care if MIL visits your DH may like to have visits from his mother, and will just spend more time away from you.

It's your kitchen. You don't need someone else to break it in. If you don't want her in the kitchen, she shouldn't be there. If DH wants to spend time with her, there are other ways.

If you don't stand up for what is important to you, you'll just resent everything. Figure out if this is the hill you want to die on, and then get ready to fight and die for it.

I posted earlier and since then read posts where inlaws actually rearranged furniture and drawers and even threw away stuff. That behavior plus a mandated complete kitchen takeover for days isn't about guest comfort. Nor is it love language.

Guests that are family are not allowed to do whatever they want in your home or on your property. What's next? Remove your rose bushes or shrubs? Trim trees and bushes for their taste as opposed to yours? Those are compromises DH and I make but we're not doing it for relatives.

Anonymous wrote:You let her use the kitchen and you don't say anything about it. It's only a week. DCUM has taught me that guests, especially guests that are family are allowed to do as they please in your home, your personal preferences of tidiness do not matter when you have a vision. It is about THEIR comfort. If you don't agree to this then no one will want to visit you, While you may not care if MIL visits your DH may like to have visits from his mother, and will just spend more time away from you.

It's your kitchen. You don't need someone else to break it in. If you don't want her in the kitchen, she shouldn't be there. If DH wants to spend time with her, there are other ways.

If you don't stand up for what is important to you, you'll just resent everything. Figure out if this is the hill you want to die on, and then get ready to fight and die for it.

Anonymous wrote:how long will she be there?

This would annoy me too--no advice, just commiseration.

My advice as the older person is tell her NO. What's next? Rearranging the furniture? That MIL is not an adult living in your household making a small alternate meal but still giving others access. We had a Thanksgiving where a DC+sig other wanted to do the spread at our house. Big mess but was OK.