Anonymous wrote:Your mom raised them this way. You reap what you sow. My brother is the same way.

You just proved an important point! The onus is most often put on the mother (and daughters), not the father (or sons).

Anonymous wrote:One thing I learned from caregiver hell is that rather than waste time obsessing over what your siblings don't do is you should look at how much you are enabling your parents to have it easy to your own detriment all while they treat you like garbage. I did A LOT of things my parents could hire people to do and as the appreciation waned and the cruelty increased I finally backed away. They were LIVID when I finally backed away, but sure enough there was boatloads of money to pay people and they found people. I don't need an inheritance. I need my sanity. In the end my siblings were smart not to get so involved. low and behold after years of helping my parents I am the evil child who can do no right and they, who did nothing can do no wrong.

No good deed goes unpunished - so unfair on you! That must be infuriating. Thank goodness you don’t need their money …

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

What ignorant, misogynistic crap!

Every cliched proverb has a grain of truth.

The gender gap is real.

Biological and social Gender differences are both real.

The question is how to reduce the inordinate burden on women to provide unpaid family care?

Please explain then how in so many societies throughout history women, after getting married, basically are shifted from their own families to their husband's families?

Why answer one question with another one? Explain why you engage in logical fallacies …

One thing I learned from caregiver hell is that rather than waste time obsessing over what your siblings don't do is you should look at how much you are enabling your parents to have it easy to your own detriment all while they treat you like garbage. I did A LOT of things my parents could hire people to do and as the appreciation waned and the cruelty increased I finally backed away. They were LIVID when I finally backed away, but sure enough there was boatloads of money to pay people and they found people. I don't need an inheritance. I need my sanity. In the end my siblings were smart not to get so involved. low and behold after years of helping my parents I am the evil child who can do no right and they, who did nothing can do no wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It also depends on the DILs. We're not going to care for my ILs because they haven't helped us at all. They did help my SIL, so they are her responsibility. My parents helped us tremendously, both financially and with childcare, so we will take care of them. They also helped my SIL and my brother, so we will share responsibilities. My SIL's mother abandoned her, so she didn't take care of her mother.

Did they raise your husband in such a way that he grew into a person you would choose above all others? Why did you need more help beyond that? Why isn’t that enough?

NP but it doesn't work that way.

I love my DH and there are things about his upbringing for which I am very grateful. But as his wife, there are also things he struggles with and for which I curse his parents. And one of those things is that he can be very self-centered, because they were old fashioned about genders and did not raise their sons to care for others. My DH has had to overcome his upbringing to be a better father.

Adults are never fully just the products of their parent's actions. My husband is a very good man and husband, and that is by no means the sole doing of my ILs. The idea that I owe them something extra for it is silly when you consider that I've spent much of my marriage helping to clean up some messes they made. And that's where ongoing interest and help from parents and ILs can make a difference. No parent is perfection and the assumption that your child will make sacrifices on your behalf as you grow old is myopic, if you aren't continuing to make an effort to be part of their lives.

Anonymous wrote:It also depends on the DILs. We're not going to care for my ILs because they haven't helped us at all. They did help my SIL, so they are her responsibility. My parents helped us tremendously, both financially and with childcare, so we will take care of them. They also helped my SIL and my brother, so we will share responsibilities. My SIL's mother abandoned her, so she didn't take care of her mother.

Did they raise your husband in such a way that he grew into a person you would choose above all others? Why did you need more help beyond that? Why isn’t that enough?

Anonymous wrote:lol at "genetic gene"

No. They are missing being raised to care and that they share equally in caring about their parents regardless of sex. My dh is an amazing caretaker of his parents and has raised a son, by example, to be the same.

I did flip out a few years ago at a family thanksgiving overhearing two parents of older sons say "yeah, daughters come back but sons just follow their wives and don't".

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to hear from men about this topic. How much time do you invest in elder care? How often do you call your parents and why? Do your sisters spend more time with them?

No men willing to share their experience of how much they take care of their parents, vs. their sisters?

lol at "genetic gene"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

What ignorant, misogynistic crap!

Every cliched proverb has a grain of truth.

The gender gap is real.

Biological and social Gender differences are both real.

The question is how to reduce the inordinate burden on women to provide unpaid family care?

Please explain then how in so many societies throughout history women, after getting married, basically are shifted from their own families to their husband's families?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

What ignorant, misogynistic crap!

Every cliched proverb has a grain of truth.

The gender gap is real.

Biological and social Gender differences are both real.

The question is how to reduce the inordinate burden on women to provide unpaid family care?

(PSST…part of the way forward to reduce the burden on women to provide unpaid family care is to stop yammering old proverbs and getting those notions into people’s heads.)

I doubt that policing language and guilting people for expressing cultural realities will solve the problem …

You can express cultural realities without resorting to nursery rhymes that, when repeated, become truths in some (vapid/looking-for-an-excuse) people’s heads. One would hope.

PP clearly indicated it was an old proverb … Good luck spraying trite PC air freshener over the manure fields

I only read the original post
Yes I see this right and left
My brother is different but I think he is more of an exception
I don’t feel like he left everything for me to do (we share pretty difficult parents), I am not resentful.

It also depends on the DILs. We're not going to care for my ILs because they haven't helped us at all. They did help my SIL, so they are her responsibility. My parents helped us tremendously, both financially and with childcare, so we will take care of them. They also helped my SIL and my brother, so we will share responsibilities. My SIL's mother abandoned her, so she didn't take care of her mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A daughter once born is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

--old proverb

What ignorant, misogynistic crap!

Every cliched proverb has a grain of truth.

The gender gap is real.

Biological and social Gender differences are both real.

The question is how to reduce the inordinate burden on women to provide unpaid family care?

(PSST…part of the way forward to reduce the burden on women to provide unpaid family care is to stop yammering old proverbs and getting those notions into people’s heads.)

I doubt that policing language and guilting people for expressing cultural realities will solve the problem …

You can express cultural realities without resorting to nursery rhymes that, when repeated, become truths in some (vapid/looking-for-an-excuse) people’s heads. One would hope.