Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

Op here. It wouldn’t be life changing. My arriving after the fact doesn’t mean he wouldn’t receive care. Our nanny would get him medical care, at a hospital that knows him, with a neurologist team who treats him now. I’ll be dialing in every step of the way. Of course I would always want to be there but he will receive care whether I am there or not.

Seizures in and of themselves are not harmful and we deal with them-they are not an emergency for a child like mine where we know and understand the cause and he’s receiving treatment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

Op here. It wouldn’t be life changing. My arriving after the fact doesn’t mean he wouldn’t receive care. Our nanny would get him medical care, at a hospital that knows him, with a neurologist team who treats him now. I’ll be dialing in every step of the way. Of course I would always want to be there but he will receive care whether I am there or not.

Seizures in and of themselves are not harmful and we deal with them-they are not an emergency for a child like mine where we know and understand the cause and he’s receiving treatment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a career nanny and I think some of the posters giving out guilt trips are also coming from a place of just not getting the nanny dynamic. If she has been his nanny since birth then he feels totally comfortable and safe with her. She knows (and probably helped you all to figure out) exactly what his special needs are as well as any emergency protocols. As a nanny I have taken kids on road trips without parents (including one where we had to stop at an ER and one where we were snowed in and had to stay in a hotel an extra night). I also once took some charges home with me for thanksgiving when there was a sudden death in the family and the parents wanted to be there for their family members. I have also worked with SN or medically complicated kids and it really makes for a tight dynamic with the nanny and parents. I have been to tons of specialist appointments and therapy appointments and worked as a team with parents to make sure their kid has the best possible care.

You sound great but I still wouldn't want my kid to have a seizure with a nanny when I'm 24 hrs away (or maybe 3 weeks away if I get covid travelling.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a problem going on trips without my kids. But at SOME point your kid will look back and realize you left him with the nanny on Christmas to go to the beach. That will leave a mark.

It sounds like maybe the son's condition is such that he will not grasp concepts like this. And no, there's no reason he will find out about something that happened when he was 2. When I was 2 my parents left me with my grandmother, aunt, and cousins to go to India for 6 weeks. I have no recollection of it, the only way I know about it is through the adorable photos they took of me feeding spaghetti to my cousin by hand. I don't feel resentful or abandoned in the least.

Uh, you literally just explained how he will find out that it happened -- there will be photos and memories of this vacation. And at 2 it's hard for anyone to know what he may understand when he is older.

If you go, please do not do so on the premise that your SN child won't know the difference and won't remember anyway because he has SN. And definitely don't ask your 5 year old to go on a vacation and then never speak of it again so that her younger brother doesn't know about the time the whole family when on a holiday vacation without him and left him with a nanny (not family, but a nanny who may not even be in his life when he is old enough to understand what happened, unlike the situation with your extended family). This is not the sort of secret you should introduce into your family dynamic and the mere fact that people think it's something you should keep from your son indicates that maybe it's something you shouldn't do? Like if this is an a-ok thing to do, why all the fretting? Just tell the toddler mommy and daddy and sissy are going away for a week and he's going to have fun time with the nanny and you will see him next year, no big deal.

Except actually I think OP knows it's a big deal and that's why she's looking for someone to tell her it's okay. Which some people have. I personally could not do this, even as a SN parent who needs a break. It wouldn't be a break for me, it would feel terrible and I'd miss my son.

I also literally just explained that it bothered me not one jot to learn of my "abandonment." How fragile to be upset about something that happened decades ago that affected you not at all until you saw the photos.

The difference is they left you with family, not the nanny!

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. How is this actually a question?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a problem going on trips without my kids. But at SOME point your kid will look back and realize you left him with the nanny on Christmas to go to the beach. That will leave a mark.

It sounds like maybe the son's condition is such that he will not grasp concepts like this. And no, there's no reason he will find out about something that happened when he was 2. When I was 2 my parents left me with my grandmother, aunt, and cousins to go to India for 6 weeks. I have no recollection of it, the only way I know about it is through the adorable photos they took of me feeding spaghetti to my cousin by hand. I don't feel resentful or abandoned in the least.

Uh, you literally just explained how he will find out that it happened -- there will be photos and memories of this vacation. And at 2 it's hard for anyone to know what he may understand when he is older.

If you go, please do not do so on the premise that your SN child won't know the difference and won't remember anyway because he has SN. And definitely don't ask your 5 year old to go on a vacation and then never speak of it again so that her younger brother doesn't know about the time the whole family when on a holiday vacation without him and left him with a nanny (not family, but a nanny who may not even be in his life when he is old enough to understand what happened, unlike the situation with your extended family). This is not the sort of secret you should introduce into your family dynamic and the mere fact that people think it's something you should keep from your son indicates that maybe it's something you shouldn't do? Like if this is an a-ok thing to do, why all the fretting? Just tell the toddler mommy and daddy and sissy are going away for a week and he's going to have fun time with the nanny and you will see him next year, no big deal.

Except actually I think OP knows it's a big deal and that's why she's looking for someone to tell her it's okay. Which some people have. I personally could not do this, even as a SN parent who needs a break. It wouldn't be a break for me, it would feel terrible and I'd miss my son.

I also literally just explained that it bothered me not one jot to learn of my "abandonment." How fragile to be upset about something that happened decades ago that affected you not at all until you saw the photos.