Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG the lack of perspective is mind boggling. $65K is still a respectable salary even for long hours. Tons of families would kill for that salary. You act like he’s unemployed. If he were making more, but still working the same hours what would change? You’d still be frustrated that he wasn’t home when you want him to be.

You are missing the point. I bet her DH isn't happy in this situation, either. Working that much for that little pay when you have an advanced degree AND and a family is not ideal. If you can do better on hours or pay or both, why wouldn't you???

OP here. THIS. He knows he’s being taken advantage of, but he only came to this realization more recently than I did. I have been begging him to find something different since I was pregnant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

I'm laughing at you. Both my H and I are done by 4:30 pm and we both make over $200K/year and WFH FT.

Oh brother with these idiots. I always marvel at how these dumb AF people swindled someone into paying them for their “talents”. They must be trolls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys really need to have a honest conversation. Put aside your personal pride and stubbornness and acknowledge the bad choices, but not to dwell on them, but to try and fix them or at least change them.

So, is money the issue? Or is it DH being away too much and disconnected?

Not to be skeptical, but does DH have trouble with time mgmt which is why he can't seem to ever finish his work? Or does he use his "work" as an excuse to get out of parenting?

There's a lot more going on here than just Dh's meager pay and your paycheck covering the mortgage, right?

I think of it like this: if he made more and worked the same hours, we could outsource more and spend quality time together. It wouldn’t fix the dinner problem, but it would be easier to swallow. If he made the same amount and worked less, I could be really happy with that.

As far as time management, his boss just piles on the work. He has his daily duties that take all day, and then he get special projects on top of that. Most people stay at this organization for a year, maybe two. He has been there for 10. His boss has all sorts of labor violations, but I won’t even go into that here.

I think what it gets down to is that I am hurt that my feelings aren’t a priority for him. I have been supporting him for years, and he’s not doing anything to change it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

Like I said above, I just need him to be around. He can either make double what he makes now and work all the time, or he can make what he makes now and f-ing be home and be present in our lives when he’s home.

You just contradicted yourself.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

Listen to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

Like I said above, I just need him to be around. He can either make double what he makes now and work all the time, or he can make what he makes now and f-ing be home and be present in our lives when he’s home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

Sounds like you are living beyond your means. You can’t make it work with two kids on $130k? Do you live in Manhattan? We lived on $110k in a desirable DC hood in a nice apartment. Why did you buy a house knowing it would lock him into this job? I just have a hard time having sympathy for people who pretend they are trapped but they have made 1,000 bad choices. You bought a HOUSE, probably have multiple cars, and spend in other ways you shouldn’t and then act like a victim that you don’t get a break. You all make freakin’ $190k/year. That is PLENTY.

Our salaries need to be spread more evenly on the off chance that something happens to either one of our jobs. As for my HOUSE (as you put it) we are talking 1100 sq ft above grade, not some McMansion. We have one car. We take busses and metro to work. I guess my Netflix account is an extravagance to you. We also save for retirement. I’m sure that seems like a bad investment. We should spend every cent we make now.

How much did you spend on your home? Not sure why you’re making up excuses now. It’s fine if one partner makes more. Do either of you have a history of getting fired? This seems like extreme caution when the solution lays in front of you. You don’t want a solution. You want to be a martyr.

Anonymous wrote:PP here..in other words does he have experience running the business/operations side of publishing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since he is having trouble finding a job, honestly I think he should talk to his boss and work 9 to 5, 5 days a week. Seriously, then he would have time to spend with family and look for another job.

His boss run his office like a kingdom and there is (according to my husband) no room for dissent. His boss won’t even do Smart Benefits so that he can get his public transportation pre-tax.

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live Op? I doubt it's in the DC area.