Anonymous
11/23/2020 14:11
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.
Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.
only a female would post this.
Compartmentalizing isn’t usually something women are very adept at accomplishing. We compartmentalize a different way. That’s probably why we have such a difficult time understanding it in our husbands.
One of the most life changing pieces of recovery for men is being forced to see his family as a complete part of his life. There’s no room for compartments in a marriage built on honesty, respect, and integrity. Luckily, once a man fully commits to recovery with time it becomes more and more difficult for him to compartmentalize his life.
During affairs, the unsuspecting spouses often don't know what is happening. Would it be the faithful spouse, loving father, angry husband, annoyed lover, frustrated boss, sneaky betrayer or a variety of other personas husbands use during affairs that came through the door? Their moods are continually shifting. There are days that you wished he’d just stay at work so I didn’t have to guess what his mood would be. As a matter of fact, most people don't even recognize all the spouse's many different “sides” until after an affair is discovered. Only then do you realize that for years your spouse lived a life of dysfunction and deceit. The way they were acting at the time had nothing to do with their family and everything to do with their guilt and shame over adulterous activities.
Men are generally more likely than women to be able to compartmentalize sex and intimate connections. For many men, sex is sex, and relationships are relationships, and the two do not necessarily overlap. Thus, a man who casually cheats may do so without feeling a significant degree of emotional connection to a mistress, while a woman who cheats could see things differently, with sex and emotional connection intermingled in ways that make compartmentalization more difficult.
Stated another way, when women cheat, there is usually an element of romance, intimacy, connection, or love. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat to satisfy sexual urges, with fewer thoughts of intimacy. Of course, many men cheat because they feel love as well as sexual attraction for an outside partner, but many more don’t: For them, infidelity can be an opportunistic, primarily sexual action that, in their minds, does not affect their primary relationship. In fact, when asked, many such men will report that they’re very happy in their primary relationship, that they love their significant other, that their sex life is great, and that, despite their cheating, they have no intention of ending their primary relationship.
Women are less likely to operate that way. For most women, a sense of relational intimacy is every bit as important as the sex; often more important. As such, women tend to not cheat unless they feel either unhappiness in their primary relationship or an intimate connection with their extracurricular partner — and either could cause a woman to move on from her primary relationship.
Men typically do not need to be in love to enjoy sex. In fact, they don’t even need to be in like; they just have to be turned on. Generally, it’s more difficult to get a woman interested in sex because they want a deep voice AND big biceps AND a sense of humor AND a guy who listens AND a desire to have kids and fix up a house together AND a whole bunch of other stuff.
Men have less of a need to guard against the dangers of casual sex, so they have not developed this inner detective. They will sometimes cheat just for the sex, even when they are perfectly happy with their primary relationship. This is why a relationship damaged by a man’s infidelity might be more likely to survive after infidelity is uncovered, as opposed to when a woman has cheated. Men can and do cheat on a good relationship, and good relationships are worth saving. Meanwhile, women are more likely to cheat when their primary relationship is not going well, and that type of already-troubled connection might not be worth the pain and effort required to rebuild relationship trust, emotional intimacy, and long-term harmony.
Put another way, male sexual desire tends to be driven by physiological rather than psychological factors. This is why porn sites created for male users feature short scenarios focused on body parts and overt sexual acts and little else. Even porn literature for men tends to focus more on sexual acts than on relationships and feelings.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 14:05
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.
Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.
only a female would post this.
Compartmentalizing isn’t usually something women are very adept at accomplishing. We compartmentalize a different way. That’s probably why we have such a difficult time understanding it in our husbands.
One of the most life changing pieces of recovery for men is being forced to see his family as a complete part of his life. There’s no room for compartments in a marriage built on honesty, respect, and integrity. Luckily, once a man fully commits to recovery with time it becomes more and more difficult for him to compartmentalize his life.
During affairs, the unsuspecting spouses often don't know what is happening. Would it be the faithful spouse, loving father, angry husband, annoyed lover, frustrated boss, sneaky betrayer or a variety of other personas husbands use during affairs that came through the door? Their moods are continually shifting. There are days that you wished he’d just stay at work so I didn’t have to guess what his mood would be. As a matter of fact, most people don't even recognize all the spouse's many different “sides” until after an affair is discovered. Only then do you realize that for years your spouse lived a life of dysfunction and deceit. The way they were acting at the time had nothing to do with their family and everything to do with their guilt and shame over adulterous activities.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 13:58
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The ability to compartmentalize is not gender specific.
It is much more prominent in men. But, yes, some women can do it. Compartmentalization that is in the service of acting out is designed for one thing: to keep secretive and non-secretive worlds separate from each other. To accomplish this, an internal-mental-emotional segregation needs to occur.
Men are more emotionally compartmentalized — women's brains seem to have more overall connectivity, which means emotions from one experience or task spill into other experiences and tasks. When the brain might be more holistically integrated, it is more difficult to not let a "bad day" spill over into activities and relationships outside of work
Because identifying males are often taught not to bring emotions with them, many have developed habits of separating them out from other parts of their daily lives.
Once you leave the world of acting-out and reenter your non-secretive reality — the world of connection and commitments — you may find that you need to wall yourself off from the acting-out that just occurred. This mental distancing from the secretive is used to help reengage with your loved ones and the commitments/responsibilities of your life; a distancing that walls off any feelings of shame, guilt and/or despair you might feel when you come face-to-face with the implications of your actions. The affair/cheating literally never crosses over in their day to day life with wife and kids. They can leave it in the hotel room and then go back to loving husband/father.
Once back in your non-secretive world, you can then reclaim the virtues, beliefs and values you hold while ignoring/denying the ways in which you violated these beliefs and values.
When compartmentalization is used to foster acting-out, it is because the acting-out experience is highly incompatible with how you see and experience yourself; and incompatible with the life you’ve created. These incompatible experiences cannot coexist at the same time within consciousness.
When the obligations of life and the impact of your actions on those you care about break through the walls of compartmentalization (or you are caught) and enter into the hidden world of acting-out, the acting-out experience is altered and often collapses.
During this collapse, the feelings you were segregating into boxes (feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, disbelief, shock, despair, self-loathing) may flood you. Some people end up relying on mind-altering substances in an effort to keep the walls of compartmentalization from cracking; alcohol and/or drugs are frequently used to eradicate the inner presence of loved ones and the real life consequences of certain kinds of acting-out.
Sooner or later, living this way catches up to you. It’s not sustainable. And once you acknowledge this, a journey toward healing can begin.
^100%
The dark side of compartmentalization leads to a fracturing of the self and the toll of this fracturing can be significant. For some, the ability to destructively compartmentalize has its origin in a painful childhood where family secrets, childhood neglect, physical and/or sexual abuse laid the groundwork for destructive escapism, an escapism that is being fed by these earlier, unhealed wounds.
This trauma-based compartmentalization may be part of dissociative defenses that occurred in childhood as a way to manage overwhelming fear and pain. But not all compartmentalization is trauma-based.
Learning to understand what drives your need for escapism and destructive acting-out are important first steps in regaining wholeness and integrity. For this to occur, the walls of compartmentalization need to slowly come down.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 13:57
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.
Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.
only a female would post this.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 13:56
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:The ability to compartmentalize is not gender specific.
It is much more prominent in men. But, yes, some women can do it. Compartmentalization that is in the service of acting out is designed for one thing: to keep secretive and non-secretive worlds separate from each other. To accomplish this, an internal-mental-emotional segregation needs to occur.
Men are more emotionally compartmentalized — women's brains seem to have more overall connectivity, which means emotions from one experience or task spill into other experiences and tasks. When the brain might be more holistically integrated, it is more difficult to not let a "bad day" spill over into activities and relationships outside of work
Because identifying males are often taught not to bring emotions with them, many have developed habits of separating them out from other parts of their daily lives.
Once you leave the world of acting-out and reenter your non-secretive reality — the world of connection and commitments — you may find that you need to wall yourself off from the acting-out that just occurred. This mental distancing from the secretive is used to help reengage with your loved ones and the commitments/responsibilities of your life; a distancing that walls off any feelings of shame, guilt and/or despair you might feel when you come face-to-face with the implications of your actions. The affair/cheating literally never crosses over in their day to day life with wife and kids. They can leave it in the hotel room and then go back to loving husband/father.
Once back in your non-secretive world, you can then reclaim the virtues, beliefs and values you hold while ignoring/denying the ways in which you violated these beliefs and values.
When compartmentalization is used to foster acting-out, it is because the acting-out experience is highly incompatible with how you see and experience yourself; and incompatible with the life you’ve created. These incompatible experiences cannot coexist at the same time within consciousness.
When the obligations of life and the impact of your actions on those you care about break through the walls of compartmentalization (or you are caught) and enter into the hidden world of acting-out, the acting-out experience is altered and often collapses.
During this collapse, the feelings you were segregating into boxes (feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, disbelief, shock, despair, self-loathing) may flood you. Some people end up relying on mind-altering substances in an effort to keep the walls of compartmentalization from cracking; alcohol and/or drugs are frequently used to eradicate the inner presence of loved ones and the real life consequences of certain kinds of acting-out.
Sooner or later, living this way catches up to you. It’s not sustainable. And once you acknowledge this, a journey toward healing can begin.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 13:13
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
The ability to compartmentalize is not gender specific.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 13:11
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Im the PP and I'm a man. No guilt at all. Was an overall great experience that saved my marriage.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you can do it without getting caught, then there's no harm done.
And divorce is messy, complicated and expensive. Particularly if you have kids.
So untrue.
And, they will always eventually get caught over time.
Ask them how that turned out for them and their kids?
Cheated for over 10 years with just over 20 women. Never got caught. Only one of the women got caught. Still in touch with some of them. For many, it's a lifestyle they know how to manage. The new people get caught because they don't take the proper precautions. .
Be honest. You feel no guilt at all?
Cheating wife here. Do you think my husband feels guilty that I do everything at home and for the kids yet make more money? No I can tell you right now he feels no guilt. He says,"You're the one who wanted kids." He is not going to be guilted into being an equal partner so why should I feel guilty? Honestly, so long as he gets his weekly 15 minute sex why should he care what I do the rest of the time?
PP here. Thank you for your response, but you did not answer my question. I'm asking you: Do you feel guilty about cheating in your marriage? It sounds like you do, as your defensive justification implies. I'm not judging you, nor am I shaming you. That is different from literally answering the question. Do you feel guilty?
Also, are you the PP that cheated for over 10 years with over 20 women? Because my question is specifically directed to that poster.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 07:35
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say men can compartmentalize, in fact every cheater I know at the moment is a wife and there are heaps of them.
My friends wife cheated because she felt unloved, needed to feel attractive. She got caught, he forgave, she cheated again even took the kids to spend time with the boyfriend and he again stayed with her.
Why, because he doesn't want to give up time with his kids. He now travels with the kids or alone, she stays home and works. He spends all his free time taking the kids to sports and enjoying it, she works. He has no respect for her and just waiting until the kids are older to leave. She makes more money so at the moment it all goes in the bank to be split later. He now cheats as well. He has a reason to stay that works for him, she is a room mate that is there to help pay the bills and clean. No one cares that she gets treated like rubbish because he spent 20 years bending over backwards to be there for her, help her, help with the kids, took care of housework, they had lovely family holidays together, he spoke so highly of her. Honestly the only compartmentalizing I see men doing is relegating their cheating spouse into the background.
I was referring to men that are cheaters (not that have wives that cheat and are revenge cheating like your scenario) can compartmentalize. It’s just sex to them. Numerous studies out there on this.
I also agree about the heaps of cheating women. Sorry about your friend.
Anonymous
11/23/2020 02:31
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
I wouldn't say men can compartmentalize, in fact every cheater I know at the moment is a wife and there are heaps of them.
My friends wife cheated because she felt unloved, needed to feel attractive. She got caught, he forgave, she cheated again even took the kids to spend time with the boyfriend and he again stayed with her.
Why, because he doesn't want to give up time with his kids. He now travels with the kids or alone, she stays home and works. He spends all his free time taking the kids to sports and enjoying it, she works. He has no respect for her and just waiting until the kids are older to leave. She makes more money so at the moment it all goes in the bank to be split later. He now cheats as well. He has a reason to stay that works for him, she is a room mate that is there to help pay the bills and clean. No one cares that she gets treated like rubbish because he spent 20 years bending over backwards to be there for her, help her, help with the kids, took care of housework, they had lovely family holidays together, he spoke so highly of her. Honestly the only compartmentalizing I see men doing is relegating their cheating spouse into the background.
My friends wife cheated because she felt unloved, needed to feel attractive. She got caught, he forgave, she cheated again even took the kids to spend time with the boyfriend and he again stayed with her.
Why, because he doesn't want to give up time with his kids. He now travels with the kids or alone, she stays home and works. He spends all his free time taking the kids to sports and enjoying it, she works. He has no respect for her and just waiting until the kids are older to leave. She makes more money so at the moment it all goes in the bank to be split later. He now cheats as well. He has a reason to stay that works for him, she is a room mate that is there to help pay the bills and clean. No one cares that she gets treated like rubbish because he spent 20 years bending over backwards to be there for her, help her, help with the kids, took care of housework, they had lovely family holidays together, he spoke so highly of her. Honestly the only compartmentalizing I see men doing is relegating their cheating spouse into the background.
Anonymous
11/22/2020 23:04
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.
Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.
Sex is sex, and it's not a marriage.
Men can compartmentalize very easily. They don’t think they will ever get caught so they reason nobody will get harmed.
Yes, it’s ridiculous and they only see that when they do get found out and their world blows up. Then, they will say they wish they had never done it.
Anonymous
11/22/2020 23:01
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you can do it without getting caught, then there's no harm done.
And divorce is messy, complicated and expensive. Particularly if you have kids.
So untrue.
And, they will always eventually get caught over time.
Ask them how that turned out for them and their kids?
Cheated for over 10 years with just over 20 women. Never got caught. Only one of the women got caught. Still in touch with some of them. For many, it's a lifestyle they know how to manage. The new people get caught because they don't take the proper precautions. .
Be honest. You feel no guilt at all?
Cheating wife here. Do you think my husband feels guilty that I do everything at home and for the kids yet make more money? No I can tell you right now he feels no guilt. He says,"You're the one who wanted kids." He is not going to be guilted into being an equal partner so why should I feel guilty? Honestly, so long as he gets his weekly 15 minute sex why should he care what I do the rest of the time?
PP again. I'm sorry that you're hurting, too. No one takes vows and plans for a marriage like that.
Then get a f@cking divorce.
Anonymous
11/22/2020 22:59
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you can do it without getting caught, then there's no harm done.
And divorce is messy, complicated and expensive. Particularly if you have kids.
So untrue.
And, they will always eventually get caught over time.
Ask them how that turned out for them and their kids?
Cheated for over 10 years with just over 20 women. Never got caught. Only one of the women got caught. Still in touch with some of them. For many, it's a lifestyle they know how to manage. The new people get caught because they don't take the proper precautions. .
Be honest. You feel no guilt at all?
Cheating wife here. Do you think my husband feels guilty that I do everything at home and for the kids yet make more money? No I can tell you right now he feels no guilt. He says,"You're the one who wanted kids." He is not going to be guilted into being an equal partner so why should I feel guilty? Honestly, so long as he gets his weekly 15 minute sex why should he care what I do the rest of the time?
PP again. I'm sorry that you're hurting, too. No one takes vows and plans for a marriage like that.
You feel sorry for this callous cheater?
Anonymous
11/22/2020 22:42
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:^^Multigenerational cheaters probably choose women like their moms, taking on the same relationship problems of the parents.
No, PP is faultless and super perfect, as is her family of origin. DH has the diagnosis, and a hole of an OW ruined everything all by herself. 😢
Anonymous
11/22/2020 18:26
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.
Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.
Sex is sex, and it's not a marriage.[/quote
If you didn’t open your marriage, sex with others is not a marriage. Your mindset is scary. Where else do you take these mental shortcuts?
Anonymous
11/22/2020 18:25
Subject: Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you can do it without getting caught, then there's no harm done.
And divorce is messy, complicated and expensive. Particularly if you have kids.
So untrue.
And, they will always eventually get caught over time.
Ask them how that turned out for them and their kids?
Cheated for over 10 years with just over 20 women. Never got caught. Only one of the women got caught. Still in touch with some of them. For many, it's a lifestyle they know how to manage. The new people get caught because they don't take the proper precautions. .
Be honest. You feel no guilt at all?
Cheating wife here. Do you think my husband feels guilty that I do everything at home and for the kids yet make more money? No I can tell you right now he feels no guilt. He says,"You're the one who wanted kids." He is not going to be guilted into being an equal partner so why should I feel guilty? Honestly, so long as he gets his weekly 15 minute sex why should he care what I do the rest of the time?
PP again. I'm sorry that you're hurting, too. No one takes vows and plans for a marriage like that.