Anonymous
Post 04/17/2023 14:56     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.




Sorry but this is what therapists do. Most are just college grads with a license added on. Most have no idea what they are doing. It's routine for a psychiatrist or psychologist to blame the parents, especially the mother. Unfortunately most adolescents and young adults don't know this basic theme of the racket.


My adult son is in therapy after a divorce and part of what they have discussed is of course, me (his mom) and his dad. I don't see anything wrong with this at all. He isn't blaming, it's actually helped him think about family dynamics. Our childhood is a huge part of why we become who we are. We have good discussions and are always here for our adult kids.

On the other hand if someone like op gets defensive and doesn't care that their adult child is hurting, that's a huge problem. When an adult child comes to you about their pain, they aren't asking you to decide if they have the right to feel pain!

I went through my own therapy and I was raised similar to op's son. I was severely depressed in my 20's and wrote a letter. My parents laughed at it and opened up the bible to explain that depression is a sin, etc. They apologized if they overspanked. I was beaten almost daily, even as a teen. There are many caring good therapists, I saw an amazing psychologist and still see her occasionally to discuss current issues that come up.


Your kid might be " in pain" for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Why are parents such a target?
If there was actual abuse, fine, but what about when there is literally nothing but they are looking for reasons?
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2023 13:12     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.




Sorry but this is what therapists do. Most are just college grads with a license added on. Most have no idea what they are doing. It's routine for a psychiatrist or psychologist to blame the parents, especially the mother. Unfortunately most adolescents and young adults don't know this basic theme of the racket.


My adult son is in therapy after a divorce and part of what they have discussed is of course, me (his mom) and his dad. I don't see anything wrong with this at all. He isn't blaming, it's actually helped him think about family dynamics. Our childhood is a huge part of why we become who we are. We have good discussions and are always here for our adult kids.

On the other hand if someone like op gets defensive and doesn't care that their adult child is hurting, that's a huge problem. When an adult child comes to you about their pain, they aren't asking you to decide if they have the right to feel pain!

I went through my own therapy and I was raised similar to op's son. I was severely depressed in my 20's and wrote a letter. My parents laughed at it and opened up the bible to explain that depression is a sin, etc. They apologized if they overspanked. I was beaten almost daily, even as a teen. There are many caring good therapists, I saw an amazing psychologist and still see her occasionally to discuss current issues that come up.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 23:53     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:The poem

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.


Love how this person encourages the reader to not have kids. I feel like this is what the OP is saying. Basically that it’s typical for parents to do this and pass on their trauma but somehow you must try to live perfectly and not have kids and that will make things better. I’m sure the poem is a bit sarcastic but the therapists don’t understand that part.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 20:51     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:The poem

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.


Nah, no one F* them up.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 20:41     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
The poem

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 20:36     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.




Sorry but this is what therapists do. Most are just college grads with a license added on. Most have no idea what they are doing. It's routine for a psychiatrist or psychologist to blame the parents, especially the mother. Unfortunately most adolescents and young adults don't know this basic theme of the racket.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 19:25     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.


There is a famous poem by P. Levin (?) or P Larkin?
your Mum and Dad, they F you up (etc etc)

So yes apologise and also be kind to Yourself. You did what you thought was best.
He will one day most likely have the same apology to make to his kids.

Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 18:05     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you comment on this thread please list how many kids you have raised. And their ages so we can understand your experience or lack of it.



Five kids. 32 (married with a child), 29 (married with a child), 27 (single), 25 (engaged), 20 (in college). Great relationships with all five. Two of them are in therapy. One is a military officer with PTSD. The other has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder.

I posted earlier that I would apologize for anything I might have done to contribute to their hurt. And I would remind them over and over again that I love them unconditionally and that nothing could ever change that.

I was certainly far from a perfect parent. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I made mistakes along the way, of course. I would openly acknowledge any hurt I caused and apologize. I would also ask what I could do to help in the healing process.


This is textbook evangelical homeschool breeding.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 17:57     Subject: What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.


If my parents homeschooled me + forced their religion on me I’d cut them off, too.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 17:26     Subject: Re:What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:Be aware that anyone can become a therapist. Anyone. The training and supervision for many therapists comes from other therapists who charge them for thousands of hours to reach certification. It's a money making business, for sure, and the supervision part is very lucrative. I know many therapists in the field that I am in- family therapists, relationship therapists, or children's therapists who actually don't have, and never had families of their own and have trouble staying in a relationship themselves. But they love being the judge in things they are insecure about to begin with, and are often quite unstable.

So, there's that.
And, all, I mean all mothers end up being labeled narcissists. It's a buzz word now, among other therapy speak adages.



This is so true and why I don't trust therapist. I know a couple in real life and they are crazier than their patients. One of the gossips about clients problems and she has no business giving advice.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 17:18     Subject: Re:What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
At some point, you as a parent have to take responsibility for youd own mental health. If you keep allowing unwarranted abuse from an adult child, because of whatever issues that prevail despite your best efforts to meet them where they are,then start living your own life. You were a good parent, and you know that.
They also know it. It's very painful, especially watching others go on to have lives with their families, it's a very lonely place, and so sad. Find support with those who love you.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 15:46     Subject: Re:What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:The problem is that there is no measurement tool in the field to tell you if you are recovering from depression or abuse or thinking clearer or having less anxiety. At some point this field might be regulated but for now it isn’t.


So let's leave it up to anyone who might have an opinion not based in any fact. People could just go here if they want someone to surmise an incorrect assumption.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 14:50     Subject: Re:What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
The problem is that there is no measurement tool in the field to tell you if you are recovering from depression or abuse or thinking clearer or having less anxiety. At some point this field might be regulated but for now it isn’t.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 13:34     Subject: Re:What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Be aware that anyone can become a therapist. Anyone. The training and supervision for many therapists comes from other therapists who charge them for thousands of hours to reach certification. It's a money making business, for sure, and the supervision part is very lucrative. I know many therapists in the field that I am in- family therapists, relationship therapists, or children's therapists who actually don't have, and never had families of their own and have trouble staying in a relationship themselves. But they love being the judge in things they are insecure about to begin with, and are often quite unstable.

So, there's that.
And, all, I mean all mothers end up being labeled narcissists. It's a buzz word now, among other therapy speak adages.



???????

You need at least a master’s degree to become any kind of “therapist.” And nice jab at childfree folks. Wait until you find out that your child encounters childfree teachers, professors and doctors throughout their life.


You can have a master's degree, sure, but then you can be a therapist just by being supervised by someone you are paying to supervise you ....conflict of interest maybe.

And the point is one can truly suck at it, but there's really no oversight unless it's criminal or unethical. I could tell you stories that would frighten everyone.

Teachers don't need to have children to teach. That is curriculum
and pedagogy. Doctors don't need to have cancer to treat cancer. It's called science. But a therapist who counsels families, marriages, and raising children who they themselves don't have any experience with said disciplines, nope, especially if they struggle with relationships themselves. And as a cliebt, would I know that? Do you think priests should give marital advice? No.

I would never take advice on parent child relationships from someone who isn't already a parent. If I wanted that, all I'd have to do is go out for a drink with my childfree friends because they know everything!
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2023 09:48     Subject: Re:What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
Anonymous wrote:Be aware that anyone can become a therapist. Anyone. The training and supervision for many therapists comes from other therapists who charge them for thousands of hours to reach certification. It's a money making business, for sure, and the supervision part is very lucrative. I know many therapists in the field that I am in- family therapists, relationship therapists, or children's therapists who actually don't have, and never had families of their own and have trouble staying in a relationship themselves. But they love being the judge in things they are insecure about to begin with, and are often quite unstable.

So, there's that.
And, all, I mean all mothers end up being labeled narcissists. It's a buzz word now, among other therapy speak adages.



???????

You need at least a master’s degree to become any kind of “therapist.” And nice jab at childfree folks. Wait until you find out that your child encounters childfree teachers, professors and doctors throughout their life.