Go to your own therapist immediately. You cannot control his actions or inactions. You don’t have to sit around and wait for him to make a decision. You need to figure out if you are okay being married to someone who is not straight and does not identify as just male. He definitely doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what he identifies as- it’s not what you stated you are attracted to. Get to therapy.

Anonymous wrote:OK let's get real: this sounds like a nightmare. TBH I would get out now. Start planning for it. Figure out the $ and the kids. You really do not have to hang in there for this journey he is about to take.

I tend to agree.

I would consider separating and start a timeline for potentially divorcing. I think the time apart would help both of you think through this better. I would also assume that they want to sleep with other people in the future, whoever that might be. I’m not saying you will definitely divorce but I think living apart would be easier on all parties for the time being.

Op, for me the dilemma is how to be supportive to spouse whom you love but also true to self. As others have said it’s ok not to be attracted to a non-binary presentation and also not to want to give up a rewarding sex life for yourself. It’s also OK to say at any point that you can’t live in limbo or wait for him to figure himself out and that you simply want to move on with your own life.

You can do that by bifurcation the parenting and intimate partnerships - you can commit to supporting his choices separate from yours and still have a commitment to raising children together. There are a lot of different ways that could look - divorce, extra-marital relationships, nesting, living separately, but near, etc.

You should get your own therapist so you can focus on what options you would be comfortable with and negotiate with DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

+1. The hand wringing is annoying

OP, I’m sure you’re still in shock. You married a man, expecting to stay married to a man. He changed the terms of the marriage such than it’s no longer the marriage you entered. You should not be talked into staying. You’ve already been patient enough.

It’s ok to get a divorce. You and your children will move on, and your spouse can move on as they wish. Don't spend too much energy trying to understand. Just accept the situation and move on.

While Im not saying this is the same thing, I tell myself this as I have a sibling with serious mental illness (bipolar/schizoactive). It happened over time but became plainly obvious to everyone quite suddenly. I cant change him or make him get help. I cant understand him either. But I can work on accepting that this is who he is now and focus on my life. Where I get stuck is grieving for who he was abd our relationship/what could have been. Its not productive.

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a good friend of mine. She was devastated. She’s still in individual therapy for herself and on anti depressants. They’re still married in name only because they have a young child together. He moved to San Francisco where he works and comes to visit the nuclear family from time to time. Sometimes their child goes to SF to visit him. I don’t know how my friend remains “married” to him, but different strokes for different folks.

DP, not the OP. This is so sad for all involved. Possibly they remain legally married for health insurance or other reasons like that; unfortunately, with health care in the US tied to one's employer, people do end up doing things like remaining legally married so a would-be-ex spouse isn't left without insurance. Or there may be threats of a custody battle or other issues if they divorce. But it surely only ends up making the wife feel she cannot fully move on and be HER true self apart from the former DH who now gets to be their true self.

Anonymous wrote:OP I wish you all the best, I can't imagine being in this position but I agree with everyone else here who said you and the kids are what your focus should be and that while your husband is free to figure out what this means for his future you are not obligated to wait around to find out what happens. That is a lot to ask of anyone and who knows if he'll want to continue the marriage once he's landed.

Yep, he is focusing on himself, so you need to focus on yourself OP. And the kids. So hard, OP.

This happened to a good friend of mine. She was devastated. She’s still in individual therapy for herself and on anti depressants. They’re still married in name only because they have a young child together. He moved to San Francisco where he works and comes to visit the nuclear family from time to time. Sometimes their child goes to SF to visit him. I don’t know how my friend remains “married” to him, but different strokes for different folks.

My DH came out as log-linear!

If you want to keep status quo, stay married in a hetero marriage, I would not entertain seeing a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ matters. Because then it might move in that direction more so. First, I would tell DH what you want and need in the marriage. Then, see what he says and proceed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's leaning homosexual and likes crossdressing, is that called non binary now?

Well, it used to be that that trans people were believed to somehow have the opposite gender of their body and that this was something they were born with and that their gender identity wasn't a choice, couldn't be changed, and so they had to transition to their correct gender.


Now we have learned that gender is actually a spectrum, not to mention fluid, and that you don't have to be either gender. It is more like ordering sushi al la carte. You can pick what you want on any given day, and then change tomorrow.


People who have been regular old straight people their whole lives can decide at any point that they actually don't have a recognizable gender at all, change their pronouns, start cross dressing and sleeping with dudes some of the time, and this is of course brave and they deserve our complete support.

How is it brave ?

This sounds terrible, I’m sorry

Anonymous wrote:OK let's get real: this sounds like a nightmare. TBH I would get out now. Start planning for it. Figure out the $ and the kids. You really do not have to hang in there for this journey he is about to take.

If you are passionately in love and can’t imagine life without him- sure, hang in. Otherwise, the earlier you get out the less traumarptic it will be for you. This is not a journey that I could handle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the thread didn't start deteriorating until page 2. That's better than I expected.

OP, stop reading this thread and look elsewhere for advice.

OP does not have to be shamed about expecting that her DH would remain a man. It does not mean you are not a good person or a good liberal if you don't want to be married to a man transitioning. Seriously. He is not her child; he is her husband and romantic/sexual partner. She can love him, wish him luck, and move on to a life that does not involve having sex with a man who in his mind, and potentially in his body, is a woman.

+1. The hand wringing is annoying