Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 21:10     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:I find big families oddly narcissistic. Pretty much any rationale boils down to selfishness.


Would never admit this IRL but I agree with you.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 20:31     Subject: Re:Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:I was 1 of 4. No way for me. my parents had a hard time managing us and we are all dysfunctional as a result.


That's interesting, I've only known people who are 1 of 4 who loved it. I still stopped at 3 though, because that was enough for me as a parent.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 20:29     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We stopped at 4 because the 3rd was hell on earth. Love my little firecracker, but I wasn't taking a chance on a repeat.


My 3rd is a firecracker too but we ended up going for the 4th because I couldn’t kick the feeling that our family was not complete with 3. Fwiw the 4th is so chill and the older ones adore him, but there were no guarantees.

That “feeling” was the main reason I wanted to go for the 4th, plus we moved to a lower COL area with grandparents nearby, and I got a more flexible job, so I felt like we could handle it. Having active and involved grandparents around is a game changer because they spend one on one time with the kids which gives DH and I more individual time with the kids too. We also have wide spacing between the kids, all 3-5 years apart, so that helps give us opportunities for individual activities with each kid too.

I’m really happy with our decision, but I think it really helps that the 4th is so easygoing.


If you are relying on grandparents and older kids you aren't really handling it.




? That’s like saying a dual career family with daycare or a nanny isn’t really “handling it.”


Noce try , but no. PP says she has to have grandparents be extra involved so she and DH can spend individual time with her kids not the same as using a service so you can work to provide for you kids food and shelter.


Does the patriarchy pay you extra for shaming women for having an involved extended family?

+1 not sure why having a nanny makes you more worthy as a parent than having your families help out. Extended families helped women cope with their large families for centuries.



You know why extended families mainly female members have done this is because of patriarchy and women having no other purpose but breeding.

Someone has to care for a child daycare, nanny or sahp.

Big difference between that and using family because you have had too many kids that you can't find time to spend with them unless you oaen them off on grandparents


-1. NP. Outsourcing is all the same, whether it's through extended family or paid support.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 20:27     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:Our kids are 7, 4, 2. I thought I wanted 4 (I’m one of four and loved it). We are done at 3. I’m not sure if it was the pandemic or just that three is a lot of kids for two working parents without local family to help. I just realized we hardly have enough time with each of the 3. I think the oldest just starting to get active in sports helped me understand that while their needs change, they still need a lot of us even as they age!


I'm a SAHM with three older kids (no local family) and I can assure you it's a lot for all of us and yes, especially if they do sports or other intense extracurriculars!
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 19:45     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
I find big families oddly narcissistic. Pretty much any rationale boils down to selfishness.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 18:06     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Teenagers are twice the work of little ones.
Also, the environment.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 17:51     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We stopped at 4 because the 3rd was hell on earth. Love my little firecracker, but I wasn't taking a chance on a repeat.


My 3rd is a firecracker too but we ended up going for the 4th because I couldn’t kick the feeling that our family was not complete with 3. Fwiw the 4th is so chill and the older ones adore him, but there were no guarantees.

That “feeling” was the main reason I wanted to go for the 4th, plus we moved to a lower COL area with grandparents nearby, and I got a more flexible job, so I felt like we could handle it. Having active and involved grandparents around is a game changer because they spend one on one time with the kids which gives DH and I more individual time with the kids too. We also have wide spacing between the kids, all 3-5 years apart, so that helps give us opportunities for individual activities with each kid too.

I’m really happy with our decision, but I think it really helps that the 4th is so easygoing.


If you are relying on grandparents and older kids you aren't really handling it.




? That’s like saying a dual career family with daycare or a nanny isn’t really “handling it.”


Noce try , but no. PP says she has to have grandparents be extra involved so she and DH can spend individual time with her kids not the same as using a service so you can work to provide for you kids food and shelter.


Does the patriarchy pay you extra for shaming women for having an involved extended family?

+1 not sure why having a nanny makes you more worthy as a parent than having your families help out. Extended families helped women cope with their large families for centuries.



You know why extended families mainly female members have done this is because of patriarchy and women having no other purpose but breeding.

Someone has to care for a child daycare, nanny or sahp.

Big difference between that and using family because you have had too many kids that you can't find time to spend with them unless you oaen them off on grandparents
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 17:48     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids under 5 and the youngest is currently 6mo. DH and I are discussing whether or not we should have a 4th.

If you went from 3 kids to 4, or decided not to, what was your reasoning? Are you happy with your decision?


As long as I don't have to support them, you can have 30!





We all support them and suffer the consequences
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 16:35     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids under 5 and the youngest is currently 6mo. DH and I are discussing whether or not we should have a 4th.

If you went from 3 kids to 4, or decided not to, what was your reasoning? Are you happy with your decision?


As long as I don't have to support them, you can have 30!


Anonymous
Post 08/11/2021 22:49     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
I have 3 and didn't feel done. I yearned for a 4th kid but it never happened (fertility issues and we decided against treatment since it was a fourth kid). But I really did not feel done -I felt like someone was missing for quite some time


however, now my 3 kids are aged 12-15 and I am exceedingly my glad I only have 3. Kids get MUCH busier as they get older. I am maxed out with 3.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2021 22:15     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We stopped at 4 because the 3rd was hell on earth. Love my little firecracker, but I wasn't taking a chance on a repeat.


My 3rd is a firecracker too but we ended up going for the 4th because I couldn’t kick the feeling that our family was not complete with 3. Fwiw the 4th is so chill and the older ones adore him, but there were no guarantees.

That “feeling” was the main reason I wanted to go for the 4th, plus we moved to a lower COL area with grandparents nearby, and I got a more flexible job, so I felt like we could handle it. Having active and involved grandparents around is a game changer because they spend one on one time with the kids which gives DH and I more individual time with the kids too. We also have wide spacing between the kids, all 3-5 years apart, so that helps give us opportunities for individual activities with each kid too.

I’m really happy with our decision, but I think it really helps that the 4th is so easygoing.


If you are relying on grandparents and older kids you aren't really handling it.




? That’s like saying a dual career family with daycare or a nanny isn’t really “handling it.”


Noce try , but no. PP says she has to have grandparents be extra involved so she and DH can spend individual time with her kids not the same as using a service so you can work to provide for you kids food and shelter.


Does the patriarchy pay you extra for shaming women for having an involved extended family?

+1 not sure why having a nanny makes you more worthy as a parent than having your families help out. Extended families helped women cope with their large families for centuries.
Anonymous
Post 08/10/2021 09:12     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
My advice is always- if you’re on the fence then you actually want another one and should go ahead sooner rather than later. You’ll know when you’re done-zo. It will be very clear emotionally. Another thing is that only outsiders seem to say - oh, that family shouldn’t have had one more, or were happier with only 2 or 3. Ask the person who had the kids and they’ll always say they were glad of it. We have four, no local support and just barely enough income (for around here, that is!!) and it’s been great. 1 and 3 are so alike as are 2 and 4. But then sometimes they buddy up along gender lines instead. Love the teen hangout years now- they are awesome together and it gives me a good feeling to know they’ll have each other after we’re gone.

When I wasn’t sure about going to four, but someone gave me that advice (you’ll know when you’re done) I just went off BC and I got pregnant almost immediately. I liked the idea that it was meant to happen in that case…. Then after 4, we immediately took more permanent measures because we knew.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2021 22:52     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
My friend went from 3 to 4 and she frequently tells me how she has no time for the 4th. Quite frankly, she and her husband were happiest with 2. Each child got plenty of 1:1 time and attention. Now they are too exhausted and being dragged in too many directions to care.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2021 22:04     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The fires in California
The ocean was recently on fire
Hottest summers on record each year for the past decade
Methane leak from the thawing permafrost in Siberia
Dengue and other diseases are creeping north
1/3 of amphibians will be extinct in our lifetimes
Increasing droughts worldwide
I could go on and on


Wow. You need help.


Nope, you need need a reality check about overpopulation.

+1

I have 2 kids and came here to basically write this. I love kids and am not some childfree curmudgeon. However, there's a fine line between enough and too many. I cringe at the amount of "stuff" generated by my kids, and that's with a concerted effort to reduce consumption and reuse as much as possible. Think about the kind of world your 4+ kids will inherit.


Eh, I also stopped at two, but fertility rates are dropping around the world. The US fertility rate is at its lowest level ever, for a variety of reasons. It would make a bigger difference if affluent people stopped flying for the rest of their lives and started growing their own food, but few are willing to do that. It's much easier to point fingers at families with four children and claim they're the problem.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2021 17:22     Subject: Why or why not have a 4th child?
Our kids are 7, 4, 2. I thought I wanted 4 (I’m one of four and loved it). We are done at 3. I’m not sure if it was the pandemic or just that three is a lot of kids for two working parents without local family to help. I just realized we hardly have enough time with each of the 3. I think the oldest just starting to get active in sports helped me understand that while their needs change, they still need a lot of us even as they age!