Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

Ha! No. I’m surprised at all the women who truly believe their husbands are this helpless. He’s not pooping. He’s taking a 30 minute internet break. Maybe he watches an episode of a show or just waits until you’ve dealt with the crisisat hand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Why is everyone so unwilling to accept the (by far) simplest answer??

because then they would have to confront it, and that would cause issues. Throwing the "disorder" label means that they can excuse it and avoid the confrontation.

To be fair, this is not a hill to die on and trying to change the paradigm would be like moving a mountain. I can see why women would choose to excuse/ignore it. It's just easier.

Im the pp that said I “don’t know why” and I agree with the responses. I guess I know why, I just don’t know how to confront it. I can leave the house but then I just have to play catch up later, I can explain to him what needs to be done and be seen as micromanaging or stating the obvious, I can keep reminding and reminding but be seen as a nag. I just genuinely don’t know how to solve the issue without ultimately creating more stress and causing arguments. It almost does feel easier to just let it go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Why is everyone so unwilling to accept the (by far) simplest answer??

because then they would have to confront it, and that would cause issues. Throwing the "disorder" label means that they can excuse it and avoid the confrontation.

To be fair, this is not a hill to die on and trying to change the paradigm would be like moving a mountain. I can see why women would choose to excuse/ignore it. It's just easier.

Yeah, but come on, our mothers and grandmothers moved the mountain for us. Don't we owe it to our daughters? And yes, while far less glorious than suffrage or first woman in med school, etc., the second shift absolutely will impede and thwart their realization of dreams and a full life. E.g. 3-4 extra hours a week definitely can add up to writing a book or instituting a health-sustaining exercise schedule.

PP here.. I don't disagree, and this is why in my household, my DH does a lot, and my kids see it. We teach both of our kids to cook, clean and do laundry.

To be fair, both DD and DS are terrible at multi-tasking, but I'm hoping that this is about maturity more than anything else. I do teach my kids to be more effecient in how they do things, and how to multi-task, though they are pretty good at playing electronic games and watching tv or some such at the same time. I'm pretty sure they choose to ignore me just to get back at me, but I'm hoping that these life lessons will stick in their heads, and that once they are off living by themselves, they will remember all the things their parents taught them. I mean.. that pretty much sums up parenting.

Anonymous wrote:Every morning, I, a divorced dad with custody…
- get kids up and dressed
- make my breakfast and the kid breakfasts
- make the kids their lunch and pack it up
- feed the cats
- unload and load d/w
- scoop the litter box
- make kids put on sunblock
- take them to camp

And usually some other little things as well.

This is not hard. Not a big deal. Anyone can do this.

and this exactly shows that men can do it, but a lot of the times, they just choose not to.

My DH can do it, too.

It's a load of crock that men can't do it.

Anonymous wrote:Every morning, I, a divorced dad with custody…
- get kids up and dressed
- make my breakfast and the kid breakfasts
- make the kids their lunch and pack it up
- feed the cats
- unload and load d/w
- scoop the litter box
- make kids put on sunblock
- take them to camp

And usually some other little things as well.

This is not hard. Not a big deal. Anyone can do this.

Curious if you did this when you were married or if it was a skill you developed when you had no other choice.

I sometimes consider going away for a week or something and just forcing DH to deal. It would be a big undertaking -- he'd have to either take time off from work or hire extra help because his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do morning drop off and evening pick up.

I think he'd be okay for the first day, then there would be some roadblocks (probably in the form of a recalcitrant toddler, his biggest parenting nemesis). Then it would be a total disaster for some period of time, and then he'd figure it out.

The only reason I haven't tried this is that I am genuinely worried about what the "total disaster" period would look like. Like maybe it would just be that the house is a wreck and he's late to everything and he and the kids are at odds (all acceptable). But I genuinely worry that he would just lose it and go for old school, corporal punishment. The thought scares me and keeps me from letting go. I really just don't know if he has the personal resources to get through a parenting crisis without totally giving up and letting his frustration and anger get the best of him.

Every morning, I, a divorced dad with custody…
- get kids up and dressed
- make my breakfast and the kid breakfasts
- make the kids their lunch and pack it up
- feed the cats
- unload and load d/w
- scoop the litter box
- make kids put on sunblock
- take them to camp

And usually some other little things as well.

This is not hard. Not a big deal. Anyone can do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Why is everyone so unwilling to accept the (by far) simplest answer??

because then they would have to confront it, and that would cause issues. Throwing the "disorder" label means that they can excuse it and avoid the confrontation.

To be fair, this is not a hill to die on and trying to change the paradigm would be like moving a mountain. I can see why women would choose to excuse/ignore it. It's just easier.

Yeah, but come on, our mothers and grandmothers moved the mountain for us. Don't we owe it to our daughters? And yes, while far less glorious than suffrage or first woman in med school, etc., the second shift absolutely will impede and thwart their realization of dreams and a full life. E.g. 3-4 extra hours a week definitely can add up to writing a book or instituting a health-sustaining exercise schedule.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Why is everyone so unwilling to accept the (by far) simplest answer??

because then they would have to confront it, and that would cause issues. Throwing the "disorder" label means that they can excuse it and avoid the confrontation.

To be fair, this is not a hill to die on and trying to change the paradigm would be like moving a mountain. I can see why women would choose to excuse/ignore it. It's just easier.

It really is easier because even if you convinced him that it was a problem AND that he needed to change, he won't magically get good at this stuff overnight. It's a skill and you have to refine it.

I'm just really good at managing the household and a lot of it I don't even find difficult anymore. I even take pleasure in it when it's not burning me out.

So I think a lot of women choose to just ride it out through the early childhood years and hope for a break later. If you only have one or two kids and downshift to a less demanding job, especially one with shorter hours, then by the time your kids are 7 or 8, you might actually have a pretty nice lifestyle. Still doing more on the home/kid front, but with a less demanding job and more free time overall.

Plus there are advantages to being the one who runs things -- you wind up getting to make a lot of the decisions. That gets addictive after a while. I never force anything on my DH that would make him miserable (that wouldn't serve my interests either) but I am the deciding vote in what vacations we take, how we fix up the house, what cars we buy, the food we eat, etc. If it had been possible to have a more equal partner, I would have picked that. But it wasn't, and my consolation prize is that I have a lot more power over our day to day life than I would if we shared more of these responsibilities in a more equal way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Why is everyone so unwilling to accept the (by far) simplest answer??

because then they would have to confront it, and that would cause issues. Throwing the "disorder" label means that they can excuse it and avoid the confrontation.

To be fair, this is not a hill to die on and trying to change the paradigm would be like moving a mountain. I can see why women would choose to excuse/ignore it. It's just easier.

My husband is not good at switching rapidly between tasks or interrupting himself briefly to attend to something else in the middle of something he’s concentrating on. This is true at work too. But at work no one needs to be told repeatedly to put on their shoes while you’re typing an email.

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college that would always save his dirty dishes to do “later” and later never came. Then he would complain that there were no clean dishes. Looks like he got married!

Unfortunately, this isn't that uncommon.

My kids do the same thing. DD doesn't put things away after she uses it, or if she puts it away because I'm "forcing" her to clean, she just shoves it in the nearest drawer/bin, then later, when she needs that item, she can't find it because she never puts it away in the proper place. She has "lost" numerous items this way, including clean socks. She would rather wear dirty socks than have to put away her clean socks. I knew a guy who said that in college he and some of his male friends would just turn their underwear inside out when it got too dirty rather than do laundry.

It's pure laziness and "can't be bothered with boring stuff" attitude. And it's super gross.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Why is everyone so unwilling to accept the (by far) simplest answer??

Anonymous wrote:
+1. I’m not changing the baby’s diaper and packing up lunch at the same time. But I can quickly run down the list of things I need to accomplish and get to work. I think DH gets more easily overwhelmed by household tasks. Not sure why this is.

because he doesn't want to do it and knows you will pick up his slack.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Interesting that your DH is "wired" to be able to multitask and do his job properly, but somehow magically not "wired" to watch a child while doing some very light cleaning. It's funny how many men are just magically not "wired" for these things, and yet very functional in their work life. Do they all have this very specific version of ADHD?

Do you have ADHD? Are you a psychologist? I'm a DP with ADHD and I cannot speak for PP's husband (who may be conning them or genuinely being lazy, for all I know), but that's actually a big part of how ADHD works. It's not a "specific form" of ADHD-- it's all forms. We can hyperfocus on things that interest us and struggle and fail miserably at those things that don't. A very extreme version of how everyone does better jobs at the things they enjoy-- we can be truly fantastic at those key things, but awful at a lot of other things that superficially seem to have the same requirements.

Now-- as a parent, you have to suck it up and find coping mechanisms that allow you to do a decent job of it, regardless of interest. But it is genuinely harder for those of us with ADHD. The moms with ADHD usually step up and find ways to make it at least halfway work, whereas the dads with ADHD are often let off the hook-- or let themselves off the hook. So I do get the skepticism, and I'm sure patriarchy and whatnot plays a role. But it's literally true that if you have ADHD, what seem to be your fabulous focusing and multitasking skills can fall off a cliff when you're presented with something that your brain is not interested in. It actually sucks.

DP.. I too can hyperfocus on things I like to do, and ignore things that I don't want to do. I guess I could call it ADHD, but that wouldn't be true. Same thing for my kids. This is a human condition, not a disorder.

ADHD is an excuse for everything these days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

we must married to the same person.

when my kids were younger, I would sit in the bathroom a little longer to get some alone time. Your DHs are in there with their phones to get away from the kids and responsibility. They've long ago evacuated what they needed to. It's like pretending that you have a bad cell reception because you just want to hang up the phone.