Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG- you all have NO idea how difficult it can be on a marriage to take care of a spouse who has special needs like this. It is unrelenting and worse than being a single parent at times. You don’t want to think about what you would do in this situation and so you are castigating OP. Everyone is acting like cheating or leaving someone for no other reason than you think you can do better than your spouse is morally better than leaving because you have become a martyr in your marriage and are constantly running on empty taking care of an entire household AND managing a special needs adult.

OP- see if you can find treatments and look into spousal support groups for people with special needs. This sucks sometimes and you have to have a place where you can feel your feelings about this too.

I don't think 5-10 day spells 2-3 times a year is special needs and unrelenting. How different is it than a spouse who has to travel for work or works opposite shifts?

Omg just stop. You are entirely clueless. Just shut up. I’m a new poster. I am youngish, with kids and I also have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. It’s a million times worse than being a single parent. You can’t imagine. Don’t dismiss our feelings when you absolutely have no clue.

The hell I am--I am a caregiver spouse.

Oh really ? then where’s your compassion?

I dropped it somewhere in the pity party.

OP is 100% a guy who did very little childcare or housework prior to wife’s illness.

Anonymous wrote:With three young kids, and a very sick spouse you will be responsible regardless OP.

Dream on. A guy/gal like this just resents the loss of HIS caregiver and will remarry swiftly to take the load off his/her back and onto someone else's.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is spouse on your health insurance? If so, leaving will likely kill them.

Rhuematoid Arthritis isn't fatal. It's a horrific curse of a disease but it doesn't kill you.

But he treatment is expensive and since spouse sounds unlikely to be able to work or afford insurance, what then.

I have never had to deal with what you are going through, OP, so I can only imagine. That said, it sounds like you may be in the darkest period before the dawn. For six years you have been dealing with a sick spouse with an unknown condition with no means to effectively treat it. That must have been unbelievably hard, and it's not wonder you are at your breaking point. But now, for the first time in many years, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you and your spouse. You know what the illness is, effective treatments exist, and it sounds like things may start getting much better relatively quickly. It is understandable that you feel like giving up, but if you can get some help and hang on a little bit longer, you might begin to reap the rewards of sticking together through what I can only imagine has been the worst of times. You can always divorce in 6 months if things are still dire, but once you leave, you will have burned the bridge that is your marriage.

why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG- you all have NO idea how difficult it can be on a marriage to take care of a spouse who has special needs like this. It is unrelenting and worse than being a single parent at times. You don’t want to think about what you would do in this situation and so you are castigating OP. Everyone is acting like cheating or leaving someone for no other reason than you think you can do better than your spouse is morally better than leaving because you have become a martyr in your marriage and are constantly running on empty taking care of an entire household AND managing a special needs adult.

OP- see if you can find treatments and look into spousal support groups for people with special needs. This sucks sometimes and you have to have a place where you can feel your feelings about this too.

I don't think 5-10 day spells 2-3 times a year is special needs and unrelenting. How different is it than a spouse who has to travel for work or works opposite shifts?

Omg just stop. You are entirely clueless. Just shut up. I’m a new poster. I am youngish, with kids and I also have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. It’s a million times worse than being a single parent. You can’t imagine. Don’t dismiss our feelings when you absolutely have no clue.

The hell I am--I am a caregiver spouse.

Oh really ? then where’s your compassion?

With three young kids, and a very sick spouse you will be responsible regardless OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG- you all have NO idea how difficult it can be on a marriage to take care of a spouse who has special needs like this. It is unrelenting and worse than being a single parent at times. You don’t want to think about what you would do in this situation and so you are castigating OP. Everyone is acting like cheating or leaving someone for no other reason than you think you can do better than your spouse is morally better than leaving because you have become a martyr in your marriage and are constantly running on empty taking care of an entire household AND managing a special needs adult.

OP- see if you can find treatments and look into spousal support groups for people with special needs. This sucks sometimes and you have to have a place where you can feel your feelings about this too.

I don't think 5-10 day spells 2-3 times a year is special needs and unrelenting. How different is it than a spouse who has to travel for work or works opposite shifts?

Omg just stop. You are entirely clueless. Just shut up. I’m a new poster. I am youngish, with kids and I also have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. It’s a million times worse than being a single parent. You can’t imagine. Don’t dismiss our feelings when you absolutely have no clue.

The hell I am--I am a caregiver spouse.

As the sick spouse, I think you are a selfish a**.

The real question is whether you want to leave because of the sickness or whether you just want to leave. The first is manageable but if it's the second, you will have to leave and everyone will think it's because of the RA. Tough spot to be in.

This, for Rheumatoid Arthritis?? Get on one of the new JAK inhibitors. Xeljanz and Ruxolitinib are both great. And to stop drinking coffee.

Anonymous wrote:1) in your particular situation, RA has loads of amazing medication to manage it, plus new mRNA based treatments will emerge to make it almost a non issue

2) get some kind of help, nanny, family, whatever. she may qualify for disability.

3) is it sex? Is she withholding because she is in pain? Before divorce maybe look at opening up marriage.

Why don't you get some help. It's constant OCD opening up the marriage yada yada yada. Sex isn't even in the ballpark considering the problems this poor couple has. Health is #1, and OP needs to put his family first which means getting some outside help. Staying married, and helping his kids should be his also be the priority.

Anonymous wrote:Spare me the 'in sickness and in health' beatdown. We all know it and we all know there are 1000 variations of what that means. There's helping your spouse after they have their wisdom teeth pulled and theres dealing with a years long, dbilitating illness that causes huge strain on finances, the family's well being, and your own health.

My spouse was recently diagnosed with RA, after literally 6 years of countless episodes of being in intermittent excrutiating pain. I'm talking about 5-10 day spells in bed on opiods, every 4-6 months. They were tested for Lyme, Lupus, and every autoimmune disorder you can name. Maybe 400 vials of blood drawn over the years? They are 47.

I don't think I can do this anymore. Certainly can't for another 20 years. Three young kids I'm rasising almost on my own. Full time job.

At what point can I leave?

You have 3 young kids. Don't you understand how they will view you if you dump their parent? And basically the kids as well. RA drugs can be very effective, plus if you do divorce you will pay lifetime alimony. Not to mention the health insurance is a big one. You may have to continue to pay for that as well. Honestly, I can't imagine having kids and being married to someone like you.

Can you move in with your parents to give your kids stability when you divorce or can your spouse move in with their parents? Sounds like some extended family support is needed.