Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:51
Subject: Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.
I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.
What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.
Thanks, could use some real insight.
You owe it to her and yourself that you give it a shot. Good hard effort at saving your marriage.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:50
Subject: Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
So she also plans to leave the 11 and 14 "year olds behind?!
I've been a WOHM and I've been a SAHM. It sounds like she lost her identity to being a mom. It happens. COVID probably heightened that awareness and now she has a lot of regrets. I definitely suggest marriage counseling. Can you take some time off at work?
My answer would be different if your kids were older, but a mom willing to leave her kid behinds hints at a much bigger issue than burnt out and regret. She needs things to change and a counselor will. Hopefully help you guys figure out how to do that
I've been a WOHM and I've been a SAHM. It sounds like she lost her identity to being a mom. It happens. COVID probably heightened that awareness and now she has a lot of regrets. I definitely suggest marriage counseling. Can you take some time off at work?
My answer would be different if your kids were older, but a mom willing to leave her kid behinds hints at a much bigger issue than burnt out and regret. She needs things to change and a counselor will. Hopefully help you guys figure out how to do that
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:46
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:It may not be an affair yet but I guarantee she is interested in some other guy.
Assume she intends to divorce you. Plan accordingly. Lawyer up. Separate your finances from hers if you haven’t already.
Women are far to smart to tell you everything, OP.
She shared her interest in moving out.
What she’s not telling you is who she wants to be with (or at least have sex with). Other than telling you: it is no longer you.
Women at that age are in their sexual prime. And she has needs. Apparently, she needs some variety; you won’t convince her not to.
Maybe she will come back to you after?
But that decision is hers alone to make.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:32
Subject: Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:I think she just doesn’t want to have to deal with everyone’s shit! It’s exhausting.
That's not a simple problem to solve though
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:28
Subject: Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
I think she just doesn’t want to have to deal with everyone’s shit! It’s exhausting.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:26
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From your follow up, you might have a shot at saving this marriage — but you need to be prepared to offer up and follow though on big changes.
For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?
Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?
Would hiring more help actually make her happier?
And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.
If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.
Not true gor most. I’d be retired at 50 without kids.
Sure, but you would have worked enough to be able to retire early.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:22
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:From your follow up, you might have a shot at saving this marriage — but you need to be prepared to offer up and follow though on big changes.
For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?
Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?
Would hiring more help actually make her happier?
And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.
If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.
Not true gor most. I’d be retired at 50 without kids.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:21
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
From your follow up, you might have a shot at saving this marriage — but you need to be prepared to offer up and follow though on big changes.
For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?
Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?
Would hiring more help actually make her happier?
And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.
If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.
For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?
Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?
Would hiring more help actually make her happier?
And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.
If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:17
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Mid 40s is prime midlife crisis time. OP doesn't have to be a jerk for his wife to be unhy. Sounds like they made choices together that resulted in her feeling unfulfilled as an individual. Doesn't sound like op had to be selfish for that to happen.
Problem is that wife doesn't know anything beyond this marriage. Much harder to reimagine your marriage with new roles than it is to imagine life in your own.
I feel for both of them. I can see myself feeling like ops wife, altho I have a career that defines me as well as being mom, wife, etc. It's more that I am exhausted by the oresso if it all, career kids, finances, family obligations. I run or delegate everything . Even the dog follows me around exclusively. So there are days I fantasize about living only for myself. No one to clean up after, cook for (and cook things they like, not me), schedule, pay for, remind, drive , organize social life for, etc.
But had kids late so I'm sticking it out
Problem is that wife doesn't know anything beyond this marriage. Much harder to reimagine your marriage with new roles than it is to imagine life in your own.
I feel for both of them. I can see myself feeling like ops wife, altho I have a career that defines me as well as being mom, wife, etc. It's more that I am exhausted by the oresso if it all, career kids, finances, family obligations. I run or delegate everything . Even the dog follows me around exclusively. So there are days I fantasize about living only for myself. No one to clean up after, cook for (and cook things they like, not me), schedule, pay for, remind, drive , organize social life for, etc.
But had kids late so I'm sticking it out
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:14
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
So is she leaving the kids behind? Taking them? How old are the kids?
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:13
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:She sounds exactly like the SAHM my ex had an affair with.
Well sure if you are lonely and the circumstance are there as well as a fault line in your integrity, sure it's a common pathway. He seems to not feel that is happening here (I think). But it's a possibility. Hopefully not
Anonymous
06/30/2021 09:06
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
She sounds exactly like the SAHM my ex had an affair with.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 08:59
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Ending the marriage is no easy route either. So pick your form of hard.
Oh my goodness, this is so true.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 08:58
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
Ending the marriage is no easy route either. So pick your form of hard.
Anonymous
06/30/2021 08:58
Subject: Re:Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?
You are going to have to stretch yourself to try to hear her. It will take time. People do it, you can too. You are hitting a turning point, all long married people do. Get square on what you want.