Anonymous wrote:My family have had a small lake cabin since the 1920s. I grew up there in the summers, as did my mom. I enjoy going there now in the summers to meet up with my siblings and their kids. It’s the one place that feels permanent in this world to me. All the neighbors have known each other for generations— a special place.

When my dad dies, us three siblings will inherit the place. My DH is adamantly opposed to me owning it because it needs some work and also because one of my siblings has made bad life choices. So it’s not an ideal situation but it makes me so sad to think of giving it up. We have the money to pay for upkeep— but DH hates going there and prefers to spend that money on things we both enjoy. We never had kids.

I suggested that if he is uncomfortable with me owning the place, perhaps I could just help out my sibs with a share of the expenses. To which my DH said that is ridiculous for me to pay if I don’t own it. It feels like we are going in circles here.

My DH is semi retired and I am the main breadwinner. Another point I’d make is that my DH definitely has a controlling personality. Generally I call him on his BS and he knocks it off. But in this case he’s really being tough to deal with.

Am I being unreasonable? He’s making me feel selfish. Maybe I am being selfish. I just need some good old DCUM advice or kick in the pants.

Husbands want to do a lot of things. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes they are wrong.

1) you need to talk. this is your property, and he doesn't get to decide for you what happens to it.
2) you should take his needs/wants into account
3) come to a reasonable middle ground where he never has to go to the summer house, doesn't pay for any of it (you each have discretionary spending? if not, maybe institute it).
4) under no circumstances should you let him dictate this. You aren't being selfish. He's trying to make you feel bad (selfish) so he can get his way. Don't fall for it. You might end up selling your portion to your sibs, but let that be YOUR decision because it is what YOU want and ONLY if you want it. Not because he makes you feel bad/selfish. You've admitted he is controlling, so don't believe his attempts to make you feel bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

But they are not. He doesn't get to make up his own facts.

Not trolling/honest question.

If a couple shares all other aspects of finances, are inheritance's not considered a shared asset?

Legally or not, if they have completely combined finances, it would be reasonable for him to view the inheritance as an addition to the shared accounts. Tbh, that is how both my spouse and I would view it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

To this point, I’d open a bank account in your own name with this money. It doesnt need to be secret. But it needs to be separate.

+1

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

But they are not. He doesn't get to make up his own facts.

Anonymous wrote:Keep the cabin, ditch the husband.

This and buy your siblings out, then you own it and can move in sans DH.

We have a property that is a lot like this, has been in the family a while and is jointly owned.

What makes it work is that it is now a formal business entity, set up in the state where it is located. The revenues cover the costs with some buffer. There was initial reluctance to rent it out when family isn't using it, but once people got over that, it works well with a local property manager.

I recommend exploring this with a local attorney and realtor. It would also prevent any one sibling from living there full time. It reduces the angst on anyone (esp the bouncer brother short on cash) as it is cash flow positive.

this is not going to end well....And I think deep down you know that. Your brother who can't afford the cabin has no choice in the matter. I am sentimental to our home but if I didn't pay the mortgage the bank wouldn't allow me to just keep living here because I raised my children in it. It's business and I'm sorry but if you really want this second property you need to look at it as such. I'm on your side in that I think you guys should keep it if you want but you have to be realistic about the issues that you're going to be causing if you don't start operating from a business mindset and get this nonsense about sentimentality out of your mind. This brother is going to cause nothing but marital strife is that worth it to you? Will you risk your marriage for your responsible brother is the question I think you need to ask yourself.
Your entire family needs to talk to an attorney about possible scenarios to protect your assets and to prevent you from being sued when your brother throws a huge party and someone gets injured or killed. You also need to come up with a plan for who's going to stay there when and what the responsibilities are. I'm with everyone else and thinking your brother is probably going to end up living there for free at some point and you and the other brother are just going to be stuck. I can see why your husband is concerned because all you seem to be thinking about is memories instead of the business side.

Your father isn’t dead yet, op. You have no guarantee the cabin won’t burn, flood, literally fall apart, or that he won’t leave it to a girlfriend or even another wife. It isn’t yours yet. He could even leave it to one of the siblings.. it ain’t over until it’s over.

As for your husband, I’m on his side. He doesn’t want assetts and resources including his time (which you don’t own) going to a place he doesn’t like. He wouldn’t be allowed to use the cabin or visit it should the two of you split up. He’s not wrong to think of these issues. You both would do well to talk with both a divorce lawyer and a real estate lawyer in both states so you have the best cogent current legal advice you can get. As another poster said, I’ve never seen it end well when siblings own property together.

You do know that your brother who made poor life choices isn’t a nice person. He didn’t choose the tuna when he would have been happier choosing the egg salad. I wouldn’t be surprised if he picked on your husband or worse and you either minimized it or don’t know about it. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the brother just stays at the cabin no matter who in the family owns it. You don’t seem like the sort that would kick him out, nor could you hold him responsible even if you wanted to. You all don’t mind his lifestyle, your husband isn’t willing to put up with it, and he’s letting you know this.

As for you donating money to the cabin, if you want to donate time and money to houses you don’t own, Habitat For Humanity is a good organization. I’m not being snarky, if this is how you roll, find a reputable organization, not some cabin where your looser brother hangs out to do whatever activity, one that is probably one your mama and grandma wouldn’t be pleased to know about.

I also doubt that the area has remained the same.. my parents had a beach house when I was a kid. You know what.. the old folks who were real good friends to my family are all dead now. I still miss them. Their kids started out caring about the properties until some got jobs across the country, some got divorced, some had looser siblings who ruined the houses, sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. Some realized that maintaining the houses was way more work. Point being, I don’t buy your story about the tone of the neighborhood. I believe that you wish it were that way, I believe that it feels that way, but that isn’t how it is.

Good luck, op. Emotionally, I am sympathetic to you. I miss the place my parents had. I also know that I love the guy I married and we are making memories that are just as special. Why not put your energy into being nice to your husband.

What is the property value?
What are annual expenses?
What is your spouse proposing? That you decline the inheritance?

To answer the question about “dysfunctional sibling”: didn’t graduate from HS, works in a job where physical confrontations are not uncommon (bouncer at a bar), has been charged after assaulting unruly patrons a few times (never convicted), but is unfailingly loyal to me and is the most attached of all of us to the cabin and would never accept a buyout due to sentimental attachment. But probably won’t always be able to contribute to maintenance due to cash flow challenges.

I know you want to keep the place, but the bolded is simply a nonstarter, and I can see why your husband would be unhappy about it. You sibling has to realize that if he can't afford to pay for his share of the cabin, the other siblings need to buy him out.

+ 1. What does "never accept a buyout" even mean here? You guys are acting like this brother has other choices. He can be sentimentally attached to the cabin but if he can't pay to maintain it as an adult that won't work. He can be a guest of you and your other sib, but not part-owner.

Come on OP. I'm on your side about the cabin but you guys are enabling this brother. I'm not judging his life choices. Be a bouncer, great. But I don't know too many vacation-home-owning bouncers.

Lots of messy family dynamics here. Your H sounds like he has no tolerance for that and I don't blame him. Keep the cabin but separate the family issues. That seems like the only fair compromise. If you can't, I might be inclined to sell.

It is entirely possible that you won't inherit this place because your father will need to sell it to cover old age expenses. This really does not need to be settled now.

Having said that, your dad could talk to a good estate attorney about putting the house into an LLC or a trust or both. One, two, or three of the siblings could be LLC managers or trustees . If he includes the neer do well bro as a trustee, you and the other sibling could vote against him. Or he could give the neer do well bro ownership interests but not Class A voting rights or trusteeship.

Having it in an LLC also helps protect your personal assets from anything to do with the house, and having it in trust somewhat protects it against brother's potential creditors.

I know this because I've owned property with siblings. It was a PITA. We sold. But it was just land none of us ever used, so while we did have sentimentality about it, the reality is we rarely went there. So not quite your situation.

I do think your DH has some say if a decent amount of marital assets will be used to pay for upkeep, etc. Hopefully you can use inherited assets. There might be a way for an estate attorney to allocate funds for upkeep in the trust.

A wife here. I agree with everyone that this scenario is just screaming problems once you inherit it, and your DH has every right to be worried. Even if he isn’t a co owner it’s going to impact your marriage due to the stress and problem-solving you will have to devote time to from the problems your brother will undoubtedly create. Not to mention financial issues. And DH not wanting it to always be the default vacation place, when he wants to go to so many other places with his wife and not alone.

If you are not going to be able to inherit this property outright, is there a third solution? Are there lots of rentals on that lake where you and your siblings can go for a reunion once a year and rent one nearby that actually has air Conditioning or heating and is more comfortable? And your dad sell this one before he passes? You still vacation in the same place, still see the same folks, and can stroll by to say hello to the old cabin, then return to the thankfully heated or air conditioned rental you have no upkeep on.

If he won’t sell the cabin, for there to be as little issues as possible, your father needs to leave the cabin to only 1 of you and the other 2 get equivalent in other inheritance. Otherwise he is gonna create a world of conflict he would he sad to know happened.

You shouldn't proceed with he brother. You're going to get sued by someone for sure.

Anonymous wrote:One of your siblings is going to end up living in the cabin and you will be paying for it. Read the real estate section of this forum.

Was just coming on here to say this. OP if you buy our sibs out you'll gain non-rent paying vacationers at best and non-rent-paying tenants at worst. If it's important to you I'd split it with sibs and be prepared to deal with headaches. Do get the contract written up in explicit terms as it'll make those headaches easier to solve. Re: your H, you're the breadwinner, it's our family's cabin. He can pout, but you win here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP This is not his decision it is yours.

You work, why in the world is he even involved. Ladies take control of your lives.

Otherwise divorce him,

I understand the female empowerment aspect here. But I am a male, and make about 85% of our HHI (and in many years, if was a lot more than that). My job pays for, and has paid for, virtually everything in our lives. I am responsible for more than 80% of our retirement savings, and the only reason it's that low is that many years, my wife's entire income was dumped into retirement savings.

Does that mean I get to make all financial decisions for our family? Of course not.

Stop talking out of your ass.

You are talking about making decisions because your current income is high. That is not OPs situation. OP is talking about the possibility of an inheritance of property using non-marital funds to take care of that property. It is not a financial decision about the family. It is a financial decision about her separately owned money and assets.

First, the bolded above oesn't make that distinction, at all. The implication is that because OP works and has her own source of income, she makes financial decisions without her husband being involved. Others have said the same thing, and that's ridiculous.

But regardless, I don't agree that he shouldn't be involved even if the decision only involves inherited property and funds. Whether an inheritance remains separate property is a legal question; how it affects the family is not. This is a decision that will greatly affect him and the the family over the years, from a time and aggravation standpoint. And despite OP's intentions, it may involve family money - she hasn't indicated how much the renovations, maintenance and upkeep will be, and we don't know if inherited funds will cover it all (especially if the sibling can't pay his share).

He doesn't get to dictate what happens, no. But neither is he a completely uninterested party who just needs to keep his mouth shut and go along with anything. And FWIW, whatever his motivations, he's raised some legitimate concerns that OP should absolutely address.