Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the replies!
I was ALWAYS one of those “kick them to the curb if they cheat” people. Until I found myself in the situation and realized that there are so many factors that make that decision less clear-cut.
Long history of being together in a generally happy marriage. He’s my best friend. I do still love him, and I know he messed up but loves me too.
4 wonderful, well-adjusted kids. He’s an amazing dad
Close, intertwined social/family/in-law relationships
Finances (although I’m well off in my own career so this would not stand in my way).

This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry and hurt. He’s remorseful and trying very hard. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe he would cheat again. We are both trying hard to make our “new” marriage as good as possible.

At the moment, I don’t want to find a new date to celebrate. I don’t want to renew my vows. I think we have to earn celebrating our marriage again, with time.

My preference would be to just act like the anniversary is any other day and for it to be over quickly. Go to work, come home, have dinner with the kids, watch a TV show and go to sleep. But I know my husband will try to do something special, so I have to make my wishes known and that will be the awkward conversation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never broke my vows. My husband did. I don’t need to make mine again. He can pledge his with a post nup.

Really wish I had demanded a post-nup detailing favorable divorce, child custody and support arrangements after finding out about the infidelity. It would have made me feel much more secure. Unfortunately, 20 years ago, the advice I got from a very well-respected and high powered attorney was that these are unenforceable at that time.

DH begged me to stay together, of course, because that came at no cost to him- make a few promises, attend therapy a bit, lie a LOT about what actually happened and then once I’m sucked back in slowly revert back to cheating behaviors.

It was all a huge waste of time and effort.

Anonymous wrote:I never broke my vows. My husband did. I don’t need to make mine again. He can pledge his with a post nup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^no, vow renewal is post-affair. At least that’s what everyone will assume.

+1 I assume a vow renewal is about an affair. Maaaaybe after drug rehab with no affair but even then I think it's probably both.

Same. I always assume it's because someone somehow broke one of their vows... That's why they need to make the promises again .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.
We just had a big anniversary and got new rings—no infidelity but we e been through infertility, bankruptcy, family deaths, etc. hard shi$. Maybe something like that to make it New. Hugs. You can get through this.

Anonymous wrote:Two years ago, on my wedding anniversary, I found out my husband had a month long affair with a colleague. The affair ended immediately upon my finding out. It was devastating for me. We are reconciling. My husband was/is remorseful and has put a lot of work into saving our marriage. We are in a good—maybe even better—place than we were before the affair.
However, I consider the anniversary of the day I found out about the affair to be the worst day of my life. It gives me PTSD just thinking about it. I don’t want to celebrate my wedding anniversary. Last year, I just told my husband I didn’t want to celebrate and he was sad but obliged. The Day came and went without any acknowledgment, per my request.
I honestly cry every time I think about it and don’t want to commemorate the date again, maybe ever. But is that being petty? Is it keeping us from moving on when we have in every other way? I don’t want to make this into a big deal, but I also can’t bring myself to celebrate a day that was so painful for me.
It’s been two years.
It will be our 20th anniversary next week.
Any thoughts? Do I just suck it up and do whatever he plans?