Anonymous
Post 05/16/2021 00:50     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
My best friend's DH is gay. I know it. Our friends know it. We assume he knows it but not totally sure (95% sure.) We have zero idea if she knows. Total poker face.

Your DH is probably gay. 80% chance. I do think sexuality is a spectrum and he is probably on the gay side, with his upbringing holding him back from full speed.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2021 00:41     Subject: Re:Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Man here, he's not typical from a sexual standpoint. Most men want sex far more than once a week. I don't know you can be so sure he doesn't watch porn - private browsing can hide stuff. Some minor red flags but if could be sexual repression from religion.


NP.

OP, beware when anyone says "most men want" or "most women want" about anything. Including sex. People will come here to post "but all the men I know want sex much more often than/less often than (whatever)" but that's still only a sampling of one stranger's friend group....

Surprised no one here yet (that I've seen) has suggested he might have low testosterone. He might need to be tested.

Also: Have you talked to him in a frank way about what you want from sex? Told him you want to...have it more often, try new positions, go away from the kids and have a weekend alone as a couple etc.? Talked about acts you want to try on him? You and he need to talk about your sex life, OP. Don't expect him to read your mind.

OP, I also would add--and I mean this kindly--you might sit down and think about your own ideas of what masculinity is "supposed" to look like. I read in your OP some images of what you might consider gay...attitudes? Hobbies? Behaviors? Whatever. I'm feeling a tone of "hetero men don't do this" as if maybe your upbringing or assumptions have created a particular set of things you assume telegraph "gay," when they could mean that or not. In other words, do you have (whether you realize it or not) a mental list of things you were always told or always assumed = gay? Please understand -- I am NOT calling you homophobic. I'm saying that one can be totally against homophobia, in favor of gay rights, love friends of every sexuality -- but still make assumptions about whether a person is or isn't gay. Could that be at work here? Something to consider.



I would be shocked if he had low-T. Once a week is pretty normal in a long relationship. My experience with low-T was no sex for months, then years. Weekly is normal. It sounds like they have mismatched libidos. That is it.[/quote]

This stood out to me too. 10+ years in with kids, once a week doesn't strike me as sexual dysfunction or gay.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2021 00:23     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
recorder I meant?
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2021 00:22     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Voice activated sensor in car?
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2021 00:17     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
HER HUSBAND IS GAY WTF PEOPLE WAKE UP
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2021 00:04     Subject: Re:Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks everyone for weighing in. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, even though I am even more confused than ever. The reason this all came to top of mind (even though I have had uneasy thoughts before mainly due to his low libido) was bc a couple of close friends commented to me in conversation yesterday that they thought it was weird that my husband was friends with this much younger guy. It got me thinking and going down the rabbit hole again.....

More than anything, I want to believe that I am just paranoid/crazy and that this is all in my head (thank you to the posters who think I'm nuts--I hope you're right!). My husband truly it such a great person that it is very possible he has just taken this young man under his wing to teach him the business.

I don't want to create trouble in my otherwise happy life, but I also don't want to have my head in the sand and be completely blindsided if he decides to leave and explore a different lifestyle in 5-10-20 years? A close friend of mine recently was blindsided by her husband's affair (hetero) and it has turned her/her family's life into a nightmare (divorce, etc.) She had no clue that anything was wrong and is now so lost. Her kids are devastated. In hindsight, she can recall red flags.

I love my husband. I want us to be together forever. I want to keep my family together. I would be so devastated, hurt, super angry if he came out. But I can't control that, can I? If he's gay, do I want to live the next 40 years with someone who is only with me for appearance/convenience and would rather be with a man? What would you all do? Better to just suck it up and be grateful?

For the previous poster who mentioned notion of what "masculinity" looks like and what constitutes "gay" behaviors--I honestly googled "signs that your husband might be gay" and went through the checklist. That's why I included the reasons that I did in my OP.

Our sex life is not great, but I'd rather live with a mediocre sex life forever than find out my entire relationship/marriage was a lie. I plan to grow old and die with him.

I am having trouble functioning at work today; I have such a pit in my stomach. I just want to cry.


Per your first post:

We are best friends
have fun together
He’s very affectionate overall (lots of hugs/kisses but not passionate)
incredibly considerate of me in every aspect of my life
likes to do stuff with me
I love him so much.

Your entire marriage/relationship is not a lie. Even if it turns out that he’s sexually attracted to men (which you don’t know is the case), you don’t treat someone like this 20 years into marriage if you don’t love them. What you have is beautiful and real even if you’re not sexually compatible. Many, many women with straight husbands don’t have nearly as happy a marriage as you have.


OP...you are creating issues where there are not issues. I think you need to see a therapist. It sounds like you have anxiety. My dad's best friend was 20 years older. He was like a grandpa to me. You need to get a grip. Also, I was in a truly sexless marriage (like it was bad and not even once a month at the beginning and dropped off for up to 5 years). You say you love him. Stop messing up your relationship by anxious thoughts. He is religious. Nothing seems abnormal to me. You are creating issues. See a therapist to deal with your anxiety.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 23:38     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
well if he IS gay and fooling around with the younger guy, then she could catch something. so she should figure this out.

how about hiring a PI?
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 22:36     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Unlike most people here, I suspect, I am a conservative Christian (and a happily married woman). This sounds completely within the realm of typical conservative Christian heterosexual male behavior to me. He might simply really enjoy mentoring a younger man, with nothing sinister to it. This is not entirely uncommon in Christian circles. I didn’t read all the comments so I can’t tell if you’re a practicing Christian but maybe he is trying to evangelize the younger man or encourage him in his walk.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 19:46     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, tell your husband you’ve been fantasizing about pegging him and see how he responds. Seriously.


Absolutely false.

Even if It turns out he wants that, it has no bearing on whether he’s gay.

I agree. My wife pegs me from time to time and I have never had a more earth shattering O in my life. Married 22 years...
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 13:43     Subject: Re:Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks everyone for weighing in. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, even though I am even more confused than ever. The reason this all came to top of mind (even though I have had uneasy thoughts before mainly due to his low libido) was bc a couple of close friends commented to me in conversation yesterday that they thought it was weird that my husband was friends with this much younger guy. It got me thinking and going down the rabbit hole again.....

More than anything, I want to believe that I am just paranoid/crazy and that this is all in my head (thank you to the posters who think I'm nuts--I hope you're right!). My husband truly it such a great person that it is very possible he has just taken this young man under his wing to teach him the business.

I don't want to create trouble in my otherwise happy life, but I also don't want to have my head in the sand and be completely blindsided if he decides to leave and explore a different lifestyle in 5-10-20 years? A close friend of mine recently was blindsided by her husband's affair (hetero) and it has turned her/her family's life into a nightmare (divorce, etc.) She had no clue that anything was wrong and is now so lost. Her kids are devastated. In hindsight, she can recall red flags.

I love my husband. I want us to be together forever. I want to keep my family together. I would be so devastated, hurt, super angry if he came out. But I can't control that, can I? If he's gay, do I want to live the next 40 years with someone who is only with me for appearance/convenience and would rather be with a man? What would you all do? Better to just suck it up and be grateful?

For the previous poster who mentioned notion of what "masculinity" looks like and what constitutes "gay" behaviors--I honestly googled "signs that your husband might be gay" and went through the checklist. That's why I included the reasons that I did in my OP.

Our sex life is not great, but I'd rather live with a mediocre sex life forever than find out my entire relationship/marriage was a lie. I plan to grow old and die with him.

I am having trouble functioning at work today; I have such a pit in my stomach. I just want to cry.


OP, you don't have to do anything with this now. There is no decision that needs to happen. But your eyes are open and you won't be blindsided no matter what happens... I think that's a good thing.

My college boyfriend -- who really enjoyed hetero sex -- also had red flags and suspicious friendships and I ended up catching him with another guy. We were together for years and it was all very painful. But I feel for him, we are actually still good friends now on the other side if it all. I think he is bi now, hasn't married (we are in our 40s). I have a husband who is very very hetero -- he REALLY enjoys hetero sex and I can just tell that my being a woman really works for him.OP, I really really wish you could experience life and sex with a man like that-- it would make it easier to set your husband free.

Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 13:26     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:OP, tell your husband you’ve been fantasizing about pegging him and see how he responds. Seriously.


Absolutely false.

Even if It turns out he wants that, it has no bearing on whether he’s gay.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 11:25     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’d be more concerned about how your husband has some backwards views about women/homophobia. Men can’t cook? Yikes. I wouldn’t want my kids adopting views like that.


This. Nip this in the bud. This is a very real disservice to you child and society.


And could be a good idea to open up a conversation about what it is to be a man or a woman in the world today. And discuss how you'd handle things if one of your children came out. If the DH is in fact friends with gay men, it's very hypocritical of him to react this way.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 11:14     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:I’d be more concerned about how your husband has some backwards views about women/homophobia. Men can’t cook? Yikes. I wouldn’t want my kids adopting views like that.


This. Nip this in the bud. This is a very real disservice to you child and society.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 10:58     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Don't blow up this relationship. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. My ex was (or at least bisexual), but was still the best relationship I ever had. I miss him. Nothing can make up for the friendship and connection.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 10:46     Subject: Is my husband gay or am I crazy?
Anonymous wrote:OP, tell your husband you’ve been fantasizing about pegging him and see how he responds. Seriously.

Pegging is awesome!