Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the casual attitude toward divorce is awful. The advice should be to marry a man who agrees with your clear expectations on these things. Marry a man who will talk things through, is a good listener, will compromise, and isn't selfish. Marry a feminist. Not "lose your kids for 50% of the time and show them it's okay to walk away when things get hard despite no abuse." Y'all are f'ing up your kids.

I am not recommending my kids get married. It is not worth it. Also, my ex was none of those things (he would not compromise, was selfish and barely spoke to me). It is not okay to stay in a marriage that is lopsided or miserable. That is bad for kids. Showing them that it is okay to put your needs first is the most valuable thing I can do. I was raised the opposite and look where I ended up (getting into a marriage that was not good from the start (and had a lot of pressure to marry) and staying due to pressure to stay....um, wrong.). There is a difference between marriages with love and ups and downs than a marriage where there is no respect or caring or love--then you leave.

That’s kind of sad to put your baggage on them. Most people do better in life with partners. Why not instead teach them how to have good boundaries and find people who treat them with respect? The best way to teach this is to model it yourself.

They can do what they want. But I am not pushing marriage as the end all be all. I had a lot of pressure. It was wrong and not worth it. I do not think it is a good institution for women at all in this day in age. I do not agree that most people do better in life with partners. I have seen no marriages in my life I think are worth it. Not one.

That's ridiculously sad. I am definitely better off with my husband as my partner. I would say the majority of my friends are as well. We all work, which maybe has something to do with it (the two SAHMs are now divorced...).

Almost everyone I know works (both spouses and still, no marriages that seem good to me). My cousin does not (bad marriage too). I do not think working vs. not working makes much difference. I do not see one marriage I would want to be in. My aunts and uncles marriages did not look good either nor were my parents or my exH's parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have pretty much had my pick of men as a divorced mom of 3. The ones who aren't interested in a mom of 3 would not interest me anyway.

The OP is the main reason I had to end my marriage. It sounds petty but with 3 kids I was not going to also raise a man child.

What was the initial custody arrangement and how did it play out over time?

50/50. Still 50/50 legally though I probably have them a bit more. 17yo spends much more time at my house now that he can drive. I def do 90% of the mental/emo/admin work of having the kids but whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the casual attitude toward divorce is awful. The advice should be to marry a man who agrees with your clear expectations on these things. Marry a man who will talk things through, is a good listener, will compromise, and isn't selfish. Marry a feminist. Not "lose your kids for 50% of the time and show them it's okay to walk away when things get hard despite no abuse." Y'all are f'ing up your kids.

I am not recommending my kids get married. It is not worth it. Also, my ex was none of those things (he would not compromise, was selfish and barely spoke to me). It is not okay to stay in a marriage that is lopsided or miserable. That is bad for kids. Showing them that it is okay to put your needs first is the most valuable thing I can do. I was raised the opposite and look where I ended up (getting into a marriage that was not good from the start (and had a lot of pressure to marry) and staying due to pressure to stay....um, wrong.). There is a difference between marriages with love and ups and downs than a marriage where there is no respect or caring or love--then you leave.

That’s kind of sad to put your baggage on them. Most people do better in life with partners. Why not instead teach them how to have good boundaries and find people who treat them with respect? The best way to teach this is to model it yourself.

They can do what they want. But I am not pushing marriage as the end all be all. I had a lot of pressure. It was wrong and not worth it. I do not think it is a good institution for women at all in this day in age. I do not agree that most people do better in life with partners. I have seen no marriages in my life I think are worth it. Not one.

That's ridiculously sad. I am definitely better off with my husband as my partner. I would say the majority of my friends are as well. We all work, which maybe has something to do with it (the two SAHMs are now divorced...).

Anonymous wrote:I agree with it. It's sexist to expect your wife to be the servant in the relationship. I dumped any man I was dating that was a slob or clearly wasn't going to pull his own weight. I wouldn't have had children if DH weren't a helpful person. I see it as a form of emotional abuse. He clearly thinks he's better than you as his servant wife.

Also, life is wild and there are so many more demands now than there were in generations past. A man who doesn't clean, cook, do laundry, garden is totally fine in a DINK marriage. But once kids come into the picture, NO WAY. There are too many moving parts. And I don't want my son to grow up thinking men don't do chores, nor my daughters to think it's okay if their husbands don't do chores.

What? Why on earth would that be true?!? So a woman who chooses not to have kids should do all the work around the house, in addition to her job and you somehow think that's ok?

My dad never helped around the house and after work he sat around reading the newspaper while my mother did everything. It wasn't just that he was lazy. It was also that he was uninvolved. He had contempt for family life, never interacted with his kids. It was truly like being raised by a single parent. My mother took us to the circus, on vacations. He put on a suit and showed up at graduation but she drove us to college alone etc. If this is your case, don't divorce him because he is lazy but because this sort of detached behavior is actively psychologically harmful for your kids, especially your daughters. I was desperate for male attention, behaved inappropriately and required extensively therapy before I could have a normal longterm relationship with a man. My sister has a pile of divorces, etc. The laziness is often just the tip of the iceberg.

Anonymous wrote:I have pretty much had my pick of men as a divorced mom of 3. The ones who aren't interested in a mom of 3 would not interest me anyway.

The OP is the main reason I had to end my marriage. It sounds petty but with 3 kids I was not going to also raise a man child.

What was the initial custody arrangement and how did it play out over time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

Nope. And why don't you get off the computer, quit being useless

I have pretty much had my pick of men as a divorced mom of 3. The ones who aren't interested in a mom of 3 would not interest me anyway.

The OP is the main reason I had to end my marriage. It sounds petty but with 3 kids I was not going to also raise a man child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

Kind of irrelevant when you consider the fact that the majority of women don't want to re-marry after divorce.

And I can promise you that uncomplicated 29 year olds without kids do not find divorced dads an attractive prospect, good money or not. I was that 29 year old and rejected them all. I also rejected them all when I was in my thirties.

But the bolded part is very telling. A family "of his own"? In this scenario, the man already has a family. Just goes to show that the typical man leaves his kids behind.

What is so hard about understanding that a 37-year-old never-married man would like to have his own biological children instead of raising another man's children who do not see him as their father but he is likely financially responsible for? "You can't tell me to do that! You're not my dad!!" Wow, how does a handsome, high-earning, never-married man with options turn that down? Get real!

Not all men want kids. And most people have dads and the divorced mom does not need financial support to raise her kids. I think you have extremely old-fashioned thinking. And a lot of women are not looking to remarry. Get with the times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

This is not true. I have more options in my 40s than I did in my 20s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

Who wants to marry a single dad? Seems like they are in the same boat 50% of the time.

No one. Most of them are toxic and everyone knows it

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

Who wants to marry a single dad? Seems like they are in the same boat 50% of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

This isn't how I've seen it play out. My xH makes *very* good money and has a great job, especially for the area we live in (not DC). But he has a much harder time dating than I do and constantly begs me to come back.

I've had no problem finding "high quality" (physically attractive and well-off) men. But I'm not really interested in either of those. I make my own money, and looks never did much for me.

Having children has also never been a problem. Only one man has ended things because of them, and it's because he wanted a travel partner who could pick up and leave at a moments' notice.

Hell, I've attracted men because I'm a divorced mom - they want a strong woman who can care for themselves, not a mooch who has little to offer besides fake eyelashes and a boob job. For sure, there are men who focus mostly on looks, but they tend to be immature and not well-equipped to care for themselves. Not a man any decent woman wants. The ones who are adults want a woman who is an adult. So no, not all men think the way you do.

I also don't feel the need to find a replacement. I'm very happy being alone and raising my kids. I have a FWB I see a couple times a month. I get good sex and don't have to cook or clean for him. If a man comes along who shares the same vision for life as I do, I'd happily commit, but for now I'm very content.

Similar scenarios have played out among my friends. The women move on and have happy lives, while the men mope around and have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

Kind of irrelevant when you consider the fact that the majority of women don't want to re-marry after divorce.

And I can promise you that uncomplicated 29 year olds without kids do not find divorced dads an attractive prospect, good money or not. I was that 29 year old and rejected them all. I also rejected them all when I was in my thirties.

But the bolded part is very telling. A family "of his own"? In this scenario, the man already has a family. Just goes to show that the typical man leaves his kids behind.

What is so hard about understanding that a 37-year-old never-married man would like to have his own biological children instead of raising another man's children who do not see him as their father but he is likely financially responsible for? "You can't tell me to do that! You're not my dad!!" Wow, how does a handsome, high-earning, never-married man with options turn that down? Get real!

What is so hard about reading? The PP thinks an uncomplicated 29 year old woman without kids wants a divorced dad, while his ex-wife won't be able to get a date.
Why do men insist that divorced mothers will never meet anyone (because childless men want their own kids), but childless young women want to give an older man a second family when he's paying child support to his first? No uncomplicated young woman wants a divorced dad.

^who cares what men want?