I've been married 24 years. Things I cared about and thought would make me a more attractive person to my husband, but don't: shaving my legs before sex, wearing contacts instead of glasses, running a highly efficient household so we both have time to relax, volunteering, activities I do to stay mentally sharp and engaged in the world.

Things that matter to him that I didn't realize: he won't have sex if he's irritated with me and won't do makeup sex after a fight; he's much more into me wearing lingerie than our actual activities in bed; he has no problem ignoring me for three hours straight and then saying, let's go get into bed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies in advance if some similar thread was created once upon a time but this seems like a common question one might ask.

What are some things that women get hung up about and assume men will care about, when they actually don't give a crap?

So if it doesn't matter to MEN than it shouldn't matter to women?

Wrong!

OP literally did not say anything like that.

By being under this sub-forum, the topic implied that the message is about characteristics that women do to impress the opposite sex that do not matter to the intended target, it's not a generic discussion what are some women's interest that men don't share.

For examples, many men thinks pursue job title does not make the woman a better dating candidate, but the disconnect is that many women who pursue job title is for her own aspiration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (high earners in particular) don't care what a woman's job title is, how much she earns, or what she owns. They care that she is attractive and in good physical shape, has a nice, pleasant personality and would make a great mother. Full stop, that's the full list.

That's why professional women are always so confused when the high-status, handsome man they were pursuing goes for the pretty, easy-going barista/daycare worker who loves kids.

This is wrong. Well-educated and high earning men marry equally well-educated high-status women. These couples also have lower divorce rates than less well-educated, poorer couples.

This.

You need to read this:

https://www.aei.org/articles/belmont-fishtown/

The author makes the point that way back when -- 60s or 70s -- Doctor married nurse, lawyer married secretary. But now, doctor marries doctor and lawyer marries lawyer.


Point above is also correct. Divorce rate is tiny for those with income over $1 million.

In my 30s and I can tell this one is still somewhat accurate. I know a lot of Drs and while some are married to other Drs, many are married to (former) nurses, teachers, dietitians. If not for the first marriage, than the definitely by the second one!

In some regions nurses make six figure salaries. It’s a legit career.
Barista is not, it’s a temporary gig for the young adventurous but most quickly move on to the next.

Why all the talk about baristas and eating fried chicken and swilling beer? In my circle the successful high income men don't hang out at Starbucks and they don't drink beer or eat fried foods. They are health nuts who drink protein shakes and are weekend warriors. If they are going after someone not their wife its going to be the hot girl at the gym. Not the overly tattooed wanna be artist in between gigs barista making shitty high calorie drinks they would never drink.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (high earners in particular) don't care what a woman's job title is, how much she earns, or what she owns. They care that she is attractive and in good physical shape, has a nice, pleasant personality and would make a great mother. Full stop, that's the full list.

That's why professional women are always so confused when the high-status, handsome man they were pursuing goes for the pretty, easy-going barista/daycare worker who loves kids.

This is wrong. Well-educated and high earning men marry equally well-educated high-status women. These couples also have lower divorce rates than less well-educated, poorer couples.

This.

You need to read this:

https://www.aei.org/articles/belmont-fishtown/

The author makes the point that way back when -- 60s or 70s -- Doctor married nurse, lawyer married secretary. But now, doctor marries doctor and lawyer marries lawyer.


Point above is also correct. Divorce rate is tiny for those with income over $1 million.

In my 30s and I can tell this one is still somewhat accurate. I know a lot of Drs and while some are married to other Drs, many are married to (former) nurses, teachers, dietitians. If not for the first marriage, than the definitely by the second one!

In some regions nurses make six figure salaries. It’s a legit career.
Barista is not, it’s a temporary gig for the young adventurous but most quickly move on to the next.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies in advance if some similar thread was created once upon a time but this seems like a common question one might ask.

What are some things that women get hung up about and assume men will care about, when they actually don't give a crap?

So if it doesn't matter to MEN than it shouldn't matter to women?

Wrong!

OP literally did not say anything like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (high earners in particular) don't care what a woman's job title is, how much she earns, or what she owns. They care that she is attractive and in good physical shape, has a nice, pleasant personality and would make a great mother. Full stop, that's the full list.

That's why professional women are always so confused when the high-status, handsome man they were pursuing goes for the pretty, easy-going barista/daycare worker who loves kids.

This is wrong. Well-educated and high earning men marry equally well-educated high-status women. These couples also have lower divorce rates than less well-educated, poorer couples.

This.

You need to read this:

https://www.aei.org/articles/belmont-fishtown/

The author makes the point that way back when -- 60s or 70s -- Doctor married nurse, lawyer married secretary. But now, doctor marries doctor and lawyer marries lawyer.


Point above is also correct. Divorce rate is tiny for those with income over $1 million.

In my 30s and I can tell this one is still somewhat accurate. I know a lot of Drs and while some are married to other Drs, many are married to (former) nurses, teachers, dietitians. If not for the first marriage, than the definitely by the second one!

Men also want their wives to eat fried chicken and drink beer with them while watching football but still look like the model next door.

No one gives a f you can’t wrap yourself pathetic head around the fact professional women don’t care what you think. Our spouse is absolutely free to leave for a barista without making a dent on my lifestyle anytime if the year. I bet the barista doesn’t even bat an eye at you as she rolls off with her handsome barista boyfriend who last longer than whiny professional men in bed.

Hello, Bright Eyes. It is so nice to see your natural sunshine shining through.

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the last five to 10 pounds, men say they don't care about that but in my experience I got more notice from men when I had lost the last five to 10 pounds. (I'm old now so I get no notice but that's what used to happen.)

Losing the last 5-10 usually involves reducing body fat into the athletic range, which is quite an achievement, mental and physical. Women should absolutely go for it if that’s what they want.

sex positive and JDBF (just don't be fat)
that is all

Anonymous wrote:Apologies in advance if some similar thread was created once upon a time but this seems like a common question one might ask.

What are some things that women get hung up about and assume men will care about, when they actually don't give a crap?

So if it doesn't matter to MEN than it shouldn't matter to women?

Wrong!

Regarding the last five to 10 pounds, men say they don't care about that but in my experience I got more notice from men when I had lost the last five to 10 pounds. (I'm old now so I get no notice but that's what used to happen.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (high earners in particular) don't care what a woman's job title is, how much she earns, or what she owns. They care that she is attractive and in good physical shape, has a nice, pleasant personality and would make a great mother. Full stop, that's the full list.

That's why professional women are always so confused when the high-status, handsome man they were pursuing goes for the pretty, easy-going barista/daycare worker who loves kids.

This isn't happening. Successful men are more likely to marry successful women. Marriage is becoming a thing for the affluent and elite, people are not crossing socio-economic classes to marry. It's called assortative mating.

Call it whatever you want but they’re still sleeping with and leaving their “successful women” partners for the ones who prioritize his needs over their own “success” in career.

Are they? I'm not seeing this in my circle at all. Sounds like wishful thinking hoping a Prince Charming is going to sweep you off our feet ala Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. That's not reality.

I think its happening but not in the way an UC or UMC goes and marries a working class girl.

An UMC educated investment banking professional guy marries an UMC educated high school teacher, or artist or comms girl.

But that's a far cry from the pretty barista, day care worker/nanny scenario PP thinks is happening.

+1. They aren't marrying the hottie server at their favorite neighborhood restaurant. They do care if she's educated and from a good family. They don't care whether she broke 6 figures at age 25 and if she made partner at her firm.

This is specific to white men and women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (high earners in particular) don't care what a woman's job title is, how much she earns, or what she owns. They care that she is attractive and in good physical shape, has a nice, pleasant personality and would make a great mother. Full stop, that's the full list.

That's why professional women are always so confused when the high-status, handsome man they were pursuing goes for the pretty, easy-going barista/daycare worker who loves kids.

This isn't happening. Successful men are more likely to marry successful women. Marriage is becoming a thing for the affluent and elite, people are not crossing socio-economic classes to marry. It's called assortative mating.

Okay, how about the low-paid teacher at an elite private elementary school? She comes from an UMC family and presents well, but she is passionate about kids.

Statistically those women, as a group, marry men with similar incomes. I am sure there are exceptions.

What men want and what men marry are two entirely different things. Men are often strategic. The upside to marrying the barista doesn't work strategically. But I guarantee most would rather sleep with the barista than their spouse.

Men also want their wives to eat fried chicken and drink beer with them while watching football but still look like the model next door.

No one gives a f you can’t wrap yourself pathetic head around the fact professional women don’t care what you think. Our spouse is absolutely free to leave for a barista without making a dent on my lifestyle anytime if the year. I bet the barista doesn’t even bat an eye at you as she rolls off with her handsome barista boyfriend who last longer than whiny professional men in bed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to my DH a lot of the things women think are attractive on other women are not sexy to men - lots of high fashion, trendy makeup/hair, very thin body shape, more angular/harsh features. He's just one man so take it with a grain of salt but according to him and his friends a sexy woman is athletic with some curves/softness, dresses in clothes that are low maintenance but fitted to show off her body, has natural-looking hair and makeup, and is happy/smiling.

Men completely underestimate how much effort it takes to achieve either of these things (except for, maybe, by a handful of genetically blessed people).

This a 100%.
Natural looking hair is very rare, because most women dye their hair and simply none of those colors exist in nature. But there is this idea of "natural" that actually takes the same amount of work as putting on flashy make up and fake nails.

Natural looking skin implied really healthy skin, which is also implying a healthy expensive lifestyle: enough rest, less stress (less financial stress), regular and scientific exercise program and diet loaded with good quality protein and fats.

Fitted clothes also implies a more tailored cut with fabric that’s not too thin or clingy - even for cotton this is a more expensive knit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to my DH a lot of the things women think are attractive on other women are not sexy to men - lots of high fashion, trendy makeup/hair, very thin body shape, more angular/harsh features. He's just one man so take it with a grain of salt but according to him and his friends a sexy woman is athletic with some curves/softness, dresses in clothes that are low maintenance but fitted to show off her body, has natural-looking hair and makeup, and is happy/smiling.

Men completely underestimate how much effort it takes to achieve either of these things (except for, maybe, by a handful of genetically blessed people).

This a 100%.
Natural looking hair is very rare, because most women dye their hair and simply none of those colors exist in nature. But there is this idea of "natural" that actually takes the same amount of work as putting on flashy make up and fake nails.