Anonymous
05/10/2021 16:07
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How old are your own kids?
I do not see the point of parenting AMAs with parents whose kids are not teens yet. Pride goes before a fall and all that. I have way too much experience with teens.
I’m expecting questions about working in a childcare more than parenting I guess. My kids are 5, 3 and 14 months. Don’t expect any questions about parenting, isn’t this board full of them?
Well, I just wouldn't take the answers super seriously, that's all.
I'm around a lot of teens. I can tell a lot about their families, but whether they went to daycare, had a nanny, SAHM, grandmother,.etc? It's irrelevant. When I do find out, it's often a surprise. Or it's some combination, or a few different things, or whatever.
I realize that at the age your kids are, this seems very immediate, of course. But as someone who has done a lot of childcare, and who is also around a lot of teens, I think DCUM obsesses overly much on infant childcare (and not nearly enough on teen care, but that's another story).
I actually agree with you that there is a lot of value in paying close attention to your teens. In fact, I did the reverse of most--I SAHM late in my kids' lives, they were teens when I (retired/took a buyout/whatever you want to call it). I once, many years prior to kids, read an article written by a successful law partner talking about how she did the same once her kids were teens--her theory having been that as 3 yr olds they are happy to have anyone take them to the playground, but your 14 yr old is not going to discuss his/her life with just anyone.
I kind of agree at any rate.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 15:57
Subject: Re:I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
A major reason nannies and nanny shares are so popular in the DC area is that there are not enough daycare spots available and they can be hard to get. I got my kid on a waitlist for every daycare within a 2 mile radius of our house and my office when I was 6 months pregnant. I didn't get a spot at any of them until my baby was 8 months old. Plus there are tons of daycares in DC that have an employer preference, so unless you work for that employer or group of employers, your odds of getting a spot are basically nil.
One consequence of this is that a lot of people hiring nannies in DC are on a tighter budget than you'd think. Thus, all the nanny shares. But it's also why you find a lot of nannies in DC who are kind of mediocre. You get what you pay for. Experienced, highly qualified nannies will not accept being nickel and dimed, and don't have to. But there's massive demand for FT nannies in DC, so we get a lot of less experienced nannies or people who don't have great references, and they can find work because demand is just so high.
This is a tough buyers market for childcare.
One consequence of this is that a lot of people hiring nannies in DC are on a tighter budget than you'd think. Thus, all the nanny shares. But it's also why you find a lot of nannies in DC who are kind of mediocre. You get what you pay for. Experienced, highly qualified nannies will not accept being nickel and dimed, and don't have to. But there's massive demand for FT nannies in DC, so we get a lot of less experienced nannies or people who don't have great references, and they can find work because demand is just so high.
This is a tough buyers market for childcare.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 15:48
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
IME, working class sends to cheap in-home, probably not licensed, or uses "kith and kin" care, middle class sends to daycare centers or SAH, upper class does nannies.
Some of the worst kids I've worked with had nannies in the early years. Often they didn't do well in a group situation, and seemed to have more behavior problems. When you exclaim you have a "nanny" it translates as a poor connotation.
I haven’t had this experience. I imagine, though, it must depend on the quality of care the nanny and daycare are providing and the ages of the kids involved. Individual attention is important and that can be lacking at some daycares.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 14:31
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
IME, working class sends to cheap in-home, probably not licensed, or uses "kith and kin" care, middle class sends to daycare centers or SAH, upper class does nannies.
Some of the worst kids I've worked with had nannies in the early years. Often they didn't do well in a group situation, and seemed to have more behavior problems. When you exclaim you have a "nanny" it translates as a poor connotation.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 10:22
Subject: Re:I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What’s the best way to find a nanny? I’m due in July and we’d like a college educated nanny with newborn experience for a, hopefully, long term placement?
Our neighbor has a fantastic nanny - educated, mature, and loving - and my neighbors act like they got incredibly lucky and she’s a unicorn. That’s not true, is it?
I’d contact an agency. I found my first job via an agency and me second job was via word of mouth. I would ask your neighbor and I’d ask their nanny. Nannies know good nannies and know who is actually good and who may just be really great at selling themselves.
I’d definitely check as many references as possible. I know many nannies who look great on paper, incredibly educated with good experience but aren’t the best nannies (nothing insidious, just not really great with kids). If you find a nanny that other nannies love, previous employers love and that you meet and engage with a have a solid feeling about it pick them.
There are a lot of great nannies out there and I’ve known many.
NP here. We found our terrific nanny - educated and experienced - on care.com. I do think we got lucky. Search the profiles and don’t just depend on those who answer your ad. I specifically wanted a former preschool teacher with a ECE degree.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 08:37
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
NP here. I haven’t seen this to be true in my experience, at least not for “upper middle class” or whatever class you’d call well-educated biglaw/consulting/GS15 types in DC. From my experience talking to other working moms coworkers at two biglaw firms and as in house lawyer, plus living in an area full of these types (think North Arlington), it seems like a huge percentage send their kids to incredibly expensive daycare centers. I did as well. While I am sure that the super wealthy hire nannies, I didn’t see a ton of people in this UMC demographic going with a nanny or becoming a SAHM. Unless you’d call people making $200-500,000/year who send their kids to daycare working class, the take above doesn’t fit with what I’ve seen. Plus, what truly working class person could afford infant daycare at a Bright Horizons in downtown DC?
I agree with a PP who said that working class people seem to often use in-home daycares, and it does seem to me that many more middle class people I know moved to become SAHMs.
I’m not convinced that the well-regarded and very expensive daycare where I sent my kids was necessarily the right choice in hindsight, although they seem to be doing perfectly fine in early elementary now, but I do think that this analysis is missing a huge chunk of the DC area population.
+1 We are UMC -- 2 GS-15 Feds, both Biglaw refugees - and we sent our kids to day care. So does/did nearly everyone I know professionally. I was sent to day care myself as a kid, the child of a doctor and a teacher. The only person I know well who had a nanny was my cousin, who makes way less money than we do, but also lives in a much lower cost of living state (Michigan). All my siblings and other cousins used day cares. Most of my neighbors use day cares, at least before covid. I've talked to a few who say they weren't comfortable sending the kids back to day care during covid so they got nannies instead.
The difference is UMC folks can pick really good day cares. Our day care is insanely expensive. Probably still less than a nanny but it's hardly the cut-rate institution a lot of people seem to think of when they think of day care. The other thing is that we had long parental leaves, or at least could take them, even if unpaid. Our agencies didn't pay for leave but they'd let you use your own and then leave without pay. So we saved up when I got pregnant and I took six months off with each kid -- mostly unpaid, doable only because we had planned for it -- and DH took a few weeks too, so we were able to send our kids to day care for the first time at 7 or 8 months old. Which feels much, much different from sending a 3 month old, I am sure. They were sitting up, crawling, interested in other kids, etc.
It’s much easier when you have an older baby who is mobile and more aware. Was your center lower ratio based? I assume this center did shove 4 tiny babies in a room with one nervous 22-year-old.
Anonymous
05/10/2021 08:33
Subject: Re:I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:What’s the best way to find a nanny? I’m due in July and we’d like a college educated nanny with newborn experience for a, hopefully, long term placement?
Our neighbor has a fantastic nanny - educated, mature, and loving - and my neighbors act like they got incredibly lucky and she’s a unicorn. That’s not true, is it?
I’d contact an agency. I found my first job via an agency and me second job was via word of mouth. I would ask your neighbor and I’d ask their nanny. Nannies know good nannies and know who is actually good and who may just be really great at selling themselves.
I’d definitely check as many references as possible. I know many nannies who look great on paper, incredibly educated with good experience but aren’t the best nannies (nothing insidious, just not really great with kids). If you find a nanny that other nannies love, previous employers love and that you meet and engage with a have a solid feeling about it pick them.
There are a lot of great nannies out there and I’ve known many.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 23:03
Subject: Re:I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
What’s the best way to find a nanny? I’m due in July and we’d like a college educated nanny with newborn experience for a, hopefully, long term placement?
Our neighbor has a fantastic nanny - educated, mature, and loving - and my neighbors act like they got incredibly lucky and she’s a unicorn. That’s not true, is it?
Our neighbor has a fantastic nanny - educated, mature, and loving - and my neighbors act like they got incredibly lucky and she’s a unicorn. That’s not true, is it?
Anonymous
05/09/2021 21:41
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
NP here. I haven’t seen this to be true in my experience, at least not for “upper middle class” or whatever class you’d call well-educated biglaw/consulting/GS15 types in DC. From my experience talking to other working moms coworkers at two biglaw firms and as in house lawyer, plus living in an area full of these types (think North Arlington), it seems like a huge percentage send their kids to incredibly expensive daycare centers. I did as well. While I am sure that the super wealthy hire nannies, I didn’t see a ton of people in this UMC demographic going with a nanny or becoming a SAHM. Unless you’d call people making $200-500,000/year who send their kids to daycare working class, the take above doesn’t fit with what I’ve seen. Plus, what truly working class person could afford infant daycare at a Bright Horizons in downtown DC?
I agree with a PP who said that working class people seem to often use in-home daycares, and it does seem to me that many more middle class people I know moved to become SAHMs.
I’m not convinced that the well-regarded and very expensive daycare where I sent my kids was necessarily the right choice in hindsight, although they seem to be doing perfectly fine in early elementary now, but I do think that this analysis is missing a huge chunk of the DC area population.
+1 We are UMC -- 2 GS-15 Feds, both Biglaw refugees - and we sent our kids to day care. So does/did nearly everyone I know professionally. I was sent to day care myself as a kid, the child of a doctor and a teacher. The only person I know well who had a nanny was my cousin, who makes way less money than we do, but also lives in a much lower cost of living state (Michigan). All my siblings and other cousins used day cares. Most of my neighbors use day cares, at least before covid. I've talked to a few who say they weren't comfortable sending the kids back to day care during covid so they got nannies instead.
The difference is UMC folks can pick really good day cares. Our day care is insanely expensive. Probably still less than a nanny but it's hardly the cut-rate institution a lot of people seem to think of when they think of day care. The other thing is that we had long parental leaves, or at least could take them, even if unpaid. Our agencies didn't pay for leave but they'd let you use your own and then leave without pay. So we saved up when I got pregnant and I took six months off with each kid -- mostly unpaid, doable only because we had planned for it -- and DH took a few weeks too, so we were able to send our kids to day care for the first time at 7 or 8 months old. Which feels much, much different from sending a 3 month old, I am sure. They were sitting up, crawling, interested in other kids, etc.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 21:28
Subject: Re:I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Daycares run the gamut. Even where I live, in the Midwest, the pricier daycares are not affordable to working or middle class parents, unless there is some sort of need-based assistance available or one of the parents receives a deep employee discount.
DH and I could comfortably afford a nanny or for either one of us to SAH, but we preferred daycare. We like the reliability, structure, and transparency. We don't like the idea of having an employee in our house all the time or having to depend on a single person. And DH's job has very regular hours, so it was no problem for him to do pickup and drop-off. And neither of us wanted to be a SAHP.
DH and I could comfortably afford a nanny or for either one of us to SAH, but we preferred daycare. We like the reliability, structure, and transparency. We don't like the idea of having an employee in our house all the time or having to depend on a single person. And DH's job has very regular hours, so it was no problem for him to do pickup and drop-off. And neither of us wanted to be a SAHP.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 21:18
Subject: Re:I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Didn’t get to finish my response.
I have a lot of SAHP friends who did it because it makes the most sense. Decent daycares are still expensive for middle class parents and the idea of leaving a tiny baby in a room full of 3 other tiny babies is difficult.
As far as working or staying home, my wish is that all parents are able to do what works best for them and their families. I know moms who must keep working because that’s their only option who’d prefer to stay at home and I can only imagine how hard that is..
On the flip side, I know moms who know their better parents and people when they can spend their days at work and devout their evenings and weekends to their children. Not everyone is built to stay at home.
PP here. I agree. I realize that my earlier response made it sound like I resenting staying home. I actually didn't -- I really loved being home with my baby and it truly wound up being the best option for us. spending time looking for a daycare center actually helped me know it was the right choice, because while I'm not a pro, I knew I was giving my baby better care than she would have gotten in any of the centers we looked at.
But I still understood that my choice was a byproduct of our financial situation, and it was interesting and annoying to me that people so often interpret it as a deeply held belief about how babies "should" be raised. But I'm with you -- I wish there were better options for parents in this country. We should make it easier for parents to stay home with babies in the first year, and we should also make sure there are high quality, affordable childcare options for parents who can't or don't want to stay home. Kids can thrive in both environments, I think it's the stress of making any solution work that has the most negative impact on families.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 21:08
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
NP here. I haven’t seen this to be true in my experience, at least not for “upper middle class” or whatever class you’d call well-educated biglaw/consulting/GS15 types in DC. From my experience talking to other working moms coworkers at two biglaw firms and as in house lawyer, plus living in an area full of these types (think North Arlington), it seems like a huge percentage send their kids to incredibly expensive daycare centers. I did as well. While I am sure that the super wealthy hire nannies, I didn’t see a ton of people in this UMC demographic going with a nanny or becoming a SAHM. Unless you’d call people making $200-500,000/year who send their kids to daycare working class, the take above doesn’t fit with what I’ve seen. Plus, what truly working class person could afford infant daycare at a Bright Horizons in downtown DC?
I agree with a PP who said that working class people seem to often use in-home daycares, and it does seem to me that many more middle class people I know moved to become SAHMs.
I’m not convinced that the well-regarded and very expensive daycare where I sent my kids was necessarily the right choice in hindsight, although they seem to be doing perfectly fine in early elementary now, but I do think that this analysis is missing a huge chunk of the DC area population.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 21:06
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
While this is true, I do know a number of very well off families that choose daycare because they think it's better. The big selling point in DC is usually language immersion. People who are really into language immersion (and so many rich parents in DC are very, very into it) have options for some Spanish and French language immersion daycares, some of which are extremely fancy with amazing field trips and specialist teachers who come in to do baby/toddler yoga and stuff. These are not typical daycares and they are very pricy, probably more comparable to a full time nanny than most centers.
Obviously lots of wealthy families will also hire nannies who do language immersion, but at that cost level it might just depend on personal preferences. Some people really don't want to have household help, or instance, or really value socialization as others have mentioned.
I do agree that SAHP is the middle class option. We are middle class and I didn't originally plan on SAHMing but like OP, my options were a pretty mediocre daycare that it was hard to imagine leaving a 3 month old baby at, or staying home for a a year or two. We made me being a SAHM for a bit work. A nice daycare or a nanny, or even a nanny share, just weren't in the cards for us financially. It was annoying to me how all our richer friends treated my decision to SAHM as some kind of fundamental belief about child rearing (like I didn't trust others to care for my baby, or had some super traditional view about babies needing to be with their mothers or something). They couldn't understand that it was just the best childcare option available to us, and that everyone usually chooses the highest quality option they can afford.
I’m the OP.
In our area we had only a handful of immersion schools that were competitive and didn’t accept children until 18 months so many chose nannies during infancy and toddlerhood. But immersion schools are very popular.
In my experience families prioritized bilingual/trilingual nannies. I was hired for my first job because I was fluent in French. Upper class parents loved it.
Didn’t get to finish my response.
I have a lot of SAHP friends who did it because it makes the most sense. Decent daycares are still expensive for middle class parents and the idea of leaving a tiny baby in a room full of 3 other tiny babies is difficult.
As far as working or staying home, my wish is that all parents are able to do what works best for them and their families. I know moms who must keep working because that’s their only option who’d prefer to stay at home and I can only imagine how hard that is..
On the flip side, I know moms who know their better parents and people when they can spend their days at work and devout their evenings and weekends to their children. Not everyone is built to stay at home.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 21:00
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
While this is true, I do know a number of very well off families that choose daycare because they think it's better. The big selling point in DC is usually language immersion. People who are really into language immersion (and so many rich parents in DC are very, very into it) have options for some Spanish and French language immersion daycares, some of which are extremely fancy with amazing field trips and specialist teachers who come in to do baby/toddler yoga and stuff. These are not typical daycares and they are very pricy, probably more comparable to a full time nanny than most centers.
Obviously lots of wealthy families will also hire nannies who do language immersion, but at that cost level it might just depend on personal preferences. Some people really don't want to have household help, or instance, or really value socialization as others have mentioned.
I do agree that SAHP is the middle class option. We are middle class and I didn't originally plan on SAHMing but like OP, my options were a pretty mediocre daycare that it was hard to imagine leaving a 3 month old baby at, or staying home for a a year or two. We made me being a SAHM for a bit work. A nice daycare or a nanny, or even a nanny share, just weren't in the cards for us financially. It was annoying to me how all our richer friends treated my decision to SAHM as some kind of fundamental belief about child rearing (like I didn't trust others to care for my baby, or had some super traditional view about babies needing to be with their mothers or something). They couldn't understand that it was just the best childcare option available to us, and that everyone usually chooses the highest quality option they can afford.
I’m the OP.
In our area we had only a handful of immersion schools that were competitive and didn’t accept children until 18 months so many chose nannies during infancy and toddlerhood. But immersion schools are very popular.
In my experience families prioritized bilingual/trilingual nannies. I was hired for my first job because I was fluent in French. Upper class parents loved it.
Anonymous
05/09/2021 20:58
Subject: I worked at a daycare for 5 years, nannied for 5 years and have now been a SAHM for 5 years. AMA.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you see a different in what kind of parent sends their kid to daycare versus hires a nanny versus stays at home?
Mostly class differences.
In my experience, parents who send their kids to daycare are working class, parents who have a SAHP are middle class and parents with a nanny are upper class.
A lot of the decisions with what to do for childcare depends on income, not wishes or wants, unfortunately.
Wrong.
We’re very wealthy. Probably wealthier than most people who post here. We both have very demanding, high earning jobs yet our children go to daycare. I’d rather my children be around others and get socialization rather than be raised by some weirdo who wants to raise other people’s kids for a living because they can’t find anyone to have some of their own.
What a weird response.