Anonymous
05/04/2021 23:15
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Honestly most people I have paid to take care of my kids have done a better job than I can do. They have more patience and can clock out. I had cameras in all public places in my house because I'm paranoid because of abuse I suffered as a kid. I've been open about that from the first conversation and it's never been an issue. It also allows me to come to my kids as a more whole person which has really made my parenting experience wonderful.
Anonymous
05/04/2021 13:34
Subject: Re:Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
BTDT.
First, I totally relate to watching nannies at the park, playground, library, etc. while on maternity leave and thinking "Uh, no, I do not want to pay 40k a year for that." I wasn't looking for a Mary Poppins at all (I agree with PPs who advocate for some amount of benign neglect from caregivers so kids figure a lot of things out on their own). But I didn't want someone who was going to be on their phone 100% of the time, or who was going to shove my kid into a playgroup with other kids, some of whom were being aggressive or having other issues, while she visited with other nannies. I met good nannies but encountered far more truculent, mean nannies that I just couldn't imagine leaving me kid with. Many of them barely seemed interested in the kids they were watching. It was weird and it absolutely made me stressed about finding childcare.
I don't have advice, but I will tell you what I did. I extended my maternity leave until my child was a year old, and then put her in a small home daycare center. I maybe could have done it earlier, but that's about how long it took me to both feel ready to leave my kid (it wasn't an anxiety thing at all -- I just really liked being with my baby) and to figure out kind of care would be right for our family and to find it and get a spot. It was a bit hard to navigate at the time because my work wasn't excited about my extended leave (it was within the company's policy but my manager was super annoyed about it) and because I was taking a bunch of unpaid leave so we had to navigate some finance stuff.
But in retrospect, it was very much worth it for me. In the end, I chose a small home daycare because I valued having my kid in group care but liked that it was a smaller mixed age group instead of the big segregated classes I saw at larger commercial centers. Like OP, I discovered that I didn't want to manage a nanny in my home, and also became disillusioned about the quality of care offered by the average nanny. I also discovered I wanted a center near our house instead of my job, and when I returned to work I wound up segueing into remote work almost 100% of the time. There were also little things about the daycare that wound up being really important, like the rules around pickup time or how they handled meals. By the time my kid started daycare, I knew I'd found the right place for her. Plus she was one and was walking and it really felt like time to get some separation and for her to get more used to other caregivers.
I think it's reasonable to be worried about leaving your brand new baby in the care of others, and to have concerns based on what you observe. I think it's okay to wait, if that's financially feasible for you. I think it makes sense that you feel torn between wanting to work and wanting the right care for your kid, and that most moms feel that way, honestly. No advice, but I just wanted to validate that I get where you are coming from, and offer my experience in case there is anything in there that might help you make your choices. Best of luck to you!
First, I totally relate to watching nannies at the park, playground, library, etc. while on maternity leave and thinking "Uh, no, I do not want to pay 40k a year for that." I wasn't looking for a Mary Poppins at all (I agree with PPs who advocate for some amount of benign neglect from caregivers so kids figure a lot of things out on their own). But I didn't want someone who was going to be on their phone 100% of the time, or who was going to shove my kid into a playgroup with other kids, some of whom were being aggressive or having other issues, while she visited with other nannies. I met good nannies but encountered far more truculent, mean nannies that I just couldn't imagine leaving me kid with. Many of them barely seemed interested in the kids they were watching. It was weird and it absolutely made me stressed about finding childcare.
I don't have advice, but I will tell you what I did. I extended my maternity leave until my child was a year old, and then put her in a small home daycare center. I maybe could have done it earlier, but that's about how long it took me to both feel ready to leave my kid (it wasn't an anxiety thing at all -- I just really liked being with my baby) and to figure out kind of care would be right for our family and to find it and get a spot. It was a bit hard to navigate at the time because my work wasn't excited about my extended leave (it was within the company's policy but my manager was super annoyed about it) and because I was taking a bunch of unpaid leave so we had to navigate some finance stuff.
But in retrospect, it was very much worth it for me. In the end, I chose a small home daycare because I valued having my kid in group care but liked that it was a smaller mixed age group instead of the big segregated classes I saw at larger commercial centers. Like OP, I discovered that I didn't want to manage a nanny in my home, and also became disillusioned about the quality of care offered by the average nanny. I also discovered I wanted a center near our house instead of my job, and when I returned to work I wound up segueing into remote work almost 100% of the time. There were also little things about the daycare that wound up being really important, like the rules around pickup time or how they handled meals. By the time my kid started daycare, I knew I'd found the right place for her. Plus she was one and was walking and it really felt like time to get some separation and for her to get more used to other caregivers.
I think it's reasonable to be worried about leaving your brand new baby in the care of others, and to have concerns based on what you observe. I think it's okay to wait, if that's financially feasible for you. I think it makes sense that you feel torn between wanting to work and wanting the right care for your kid, and that most moms feel that way, honestly. No advice, but I just wanted to validate that I get where you are coming from, and offer my experience in case there is anything in there that might help you make your choices. Best of luck to you!
Anonymous
05/04/2021 12:42
Subject: Re:Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Anonymous wrote:
I don’t need to work based on spouse’s income (high 6fig) but want to, not because I really love working but because of everything I hear about needing to stay independent.
It isn't untrue that being able to provide for yourself in a contingency scenario is VERY important to keep in mind. There are other ways to do it, or you can knowingly accepting the risk if the risk isn't too great (i.e. if you have a lot of saving already and could "Make it" even if you couldn't get a similar job back).
If you don't need to work, this implies you can afford a very expensive nanny. I would absolutely prefer a professional nanny over family help, but maybe your family is different than mine
You could try it for a few months and see if you can get comfortable with it. It is very easy to quit your job if you just can't make it work.
At 6 months, I think a nanny or nanny share is the best if you can find a really great one. Around 2 years, I like high quality day care centers instead.
Anonymous
05/03/2021 19:29
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
I stayed home for 2 5 years. There are definitely ways to maintain your "non mom" identity that don't involve working.
Anonymous
05/03/2021 19:26
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
OP, I sobbed when maternity leave was over and was nervous about my then six month old starting daycare. We had toured just about every center within 15 min. of our house (some twice) and also interviewed with other families/nannies for a possible nannyshare. I kept second-guessing things and changing my mind and worried about all sorts of awful scenarios.
But then I told myself that whatever we chose wasn’t a lifelong commitment. We could always switch centers, join a share later on, or I could quit my job (which would have met downsizing some things in our lives).
Once I thought of it that way, it really helped. We decided to go with a center that gave us a good feeling (teachers had been there a long time, lots of natural light, live feed video, etc.). I figured leaving the workforce is always an option, but I should at least try daycare first before making up my mind.
Well once I adjusted it turned out to be the right decision for us. Our second child went to that daycare as well and we really got to know the teachers over the years. I ended up liking having time to myself to work. Our kids are very social so a center-based daycare was a good fit.
That’s not to say that will be the right choice for you and I realize with waitlists and hiring timeline it’s not easy to switch centers or nannies overnight. But you can always test the waters as a working mom and then if you do end up quitting to SAH you’ll know without a doubt it was the right choice for your family.
But then I told myself that whatever we chose wasn’t a lifelong commitment. We could always switch centers, join a share later on, or I could quit my job (which would have met downsizing some things in our lives).
Once I thought of it that way, it really helped. We decided to go with a center that gave us a good feeling (teachers had been there a long time, lots of natural light, live feed video, etc.). I figured leaving the workforce is always an option, but I should at least try daycare first before making up my mind.
Well once I adjusted it turned out to be the right decision for us. Our second child went to that daycare as well and we really got to know the teachers over the years. I ended up liking having time to myself to work. Our kids are very social so a center-based daycare was a good fit.
That’s not to say that will be the right choice for you and I realize with waitlists and hiring timeline it’s not easy to switch centers or nannies overnight. But you can always test the waters as a working mom and then if you do end up quitting to SAH you’ll know without a doubt it was the right choice for your family.
Anonymous
05/03/2021 10:51
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.
I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.
I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.
Bullshit. That assumes that all SAH parents parent the same, all nannies nanny the same, all preschools are the same. They're not.
She's insane.
Maybe she can tell which ones were breastfed too?
Anonymous
05/02/2021 13:38
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
There is nothing unhinged or obsessive about being very concerned about the health and well being of your 6 month old. If you aren't overly concerned about them who would be? Some people are comfortable leaving their babies others are not. Mother tip: You know yourself, you know your child. You are your child's best and most valuable advocate. If you don't advocate for them, who will? If you don't think it is good for you or your family, stick to you guns and do what is right for your family. There is a time and a season for everything.
Anonymous
05/02/2021 13:30
Subject: Re:Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Anonymous wrote:
I don’t need to work based on spouse’s income (high 6fig) but want to, not because I really love working but because of everything I hear about needing to stay independent.
OP, it sounds like you are being peer pressured into working. Stay home with your baby. Consider yourself lucky that you can and ignore all the scare tactics. Make some stay at home mom friends and search out articles/books sympathetic to your lifestyle. I really like Caitlin Flanagan's book "To Hell with all That." You will be able to go back to work someday. I'm not sure what you do, but there are lots of freelance opportunities out there - you might find something that you can do part-time from home while your child is little.
Anonymous
05/01/2021 14:34
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to work? I dont think anyone will meet your standards
Sure OP can find someone who will meet (and exceed) her standards, but as stated above that person will not be inexpensive.
Anonymous
05/01/2021 13:24
Subject: Re:Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Are you a Mary Poppins type SAHM right now?
I say this as someone on maternity leave who loves it. But I'm not engaging baby 100% of the time. It would be overload for us both.
That said, no reason you have to go back to work of you'd rather be home. This is just one of many examples of not "having it all" and the nonstop decisions that come with parenthood.
Op here. Yes, I actually do think I am the Mary poppins type right now while I am on leave. We do a bunch of activities everyday- 20 min pool time every morning, lots of floor time, face to face chats, house tours, walks. I do leave the baby in a baby holder when I eat but aside from maybe 20 mins a day twice, baby isn’t just sitting a bjorn. I also incorporate quiet time for baby to process everything but do this on the floor so baby can work on movement etc. I read a lot about baby development and incorporate that in what we do. I just don’t know if a nanny would ever be this invested. I get that benign neglect is good for kids and I’m not in baby’s face 24/7, but I’ve seen too many nannies on their phones in parks while their charges just sit there for 30 minutes in the stroller.
Our nanny is that vested and engaged. Plus she does sensory play and spends time every day singing and speaking in French. And from birth, she reads to DS for an hour (broken into increments) every day. And plays the guitar.
That said, she isn’t cheap. We started at $30 an hour when DS was a newborn (two years ago) and is now up to $33.
Nanny has a masters in Early Childhood Development and was a preschool teacher for ten years.
And nanny is never on her phone. She has an Apple Watch if we need to reach her immediately. You’re seeing the housekeeper-nannies at the park and not professional teachernannies.
If you can’t afford to pay over top dollar, take a leave and stay home.
Anonymous
05/01/2021 13:24
Subject: Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Why do you have to work? I dont think anyone will meet your standards
Anonymous
05/01/2021 13:19
Subject: Re:Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Are you a Mary Poppins type SAHM right now?
I say this as someone on maternity leave who loves it. But I'm not engaging baby 100% of the time. It would be overload for us both.
That said, no reason you have to go back to work of you'd rather be home. This is just one of many examples of not "having it all" and the nonstop decisions that come with parenthood.
Op here. Yes, I actually do think I am the Mary poppins type right now while I am on leave. We do a bunch of activities everyday- 20 min pool time every morning, lots of floor time, face to face chats, house tours, walks. I do leave the baby in a baby holder when I eat but aside from maybe 20 mins a day twice, baby isn’t just sitting a bjorn. I also incorporate quiet time for baby to process everything but do this on the floor so baby can work on movement etc. I read a lot about baby development and incorporate that in what we do. I just don’t know if a nanny would ever be this invested. I get that benign neglect is good for kids and I’m not in baby’s face 24/7, but I’ve seen too many nannies on their phones in parks while their charges just sit there for 30 minutes in the stroller.
Our nanny is that vested and engaged. Plus she does sensory play and spends time every day singing and speaking in French. And from birth, she reads to DS for an hour (broken into increments) every day. And plays the guitar.
That said, she isn’t cheap. We started at $30 an hour when DS was a newborn (two years ago) and is now up to $33.
Nanny has a masters in Early Childhood Development and was a preschool teacher for ten years.
If you can’t afford to pay over top dollar, take a leave and stay home.