Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the sage advice I'd been given on DCUM, I am one of those 780-month olds who have stopped doing anything when it comes to someone else and their child.

I posted about a child getting ready to fall head-first out of a grocery cart (mom had her back turned momentarily) and I was ripped a new one for being intrusive, judgemental, you name it.

Since then other people's children are invisible to me. No more warnings of immediate danger, no more offers to help, no more smiles or friendly overtures.

It is a different world than the one I was raised in and fully understand that now.

See, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I've learned my lesson.

I’m sorry you were treated poorly, but you should not become the negative person here. Act like you were raised and care.

It’s not negativity. It’s simply “minding your own business“. I guess it only takes a village when you need some thing from someone.

Anonymous wrote:If your kid is having a tantrum, especially inside, you remove them from the store, restaurant or situation. It happens but you don't have to subject others or teach your kid its ok to tantrum as Mom/Dad will just ignore and not care how it impacts others.

Some people can calm down kids easier than others. Its not rocket science. Prevention goes a long way.

+1,000

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never try to help parents. I used to hold doors for people struggling with strollers, but it seems the "it takes a village" crowd only wants the village when it's convenient. So parents are invisible to me.

Exactly. It only "takes a village" when they want something. Otherwise it's pterodactyl screeches "MAAAAHHHH CHIIIIILLLLDD!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the sage advice I'd been given on DCUM, I am one of those 780-month olds who have stopped doing anything when it comes to someone else and their child.

I posted about a child getting ready to fall head-first out of a grocery cart (mom had her back turned momentarily) and I was ripped a new one for being intrusive, judgemental, you name it.

Since then other people's children are invisible to me. No more warnings of immediate danger, no more offers to help, no more smiles or friendly overtures.

It is a different world than the one I was raised in and fully understand that now.

See, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I've learned my lesson.

I’m sorry you were treated poorly, but you should not become the negative person here. Act like you were raised and care.

Nope.

In my generation if an older woman showed her care/concern and offered help she wasn't treated with disdain and outright hostility. Why be subjected to "poor" treatment again? Do you think it's pleasant to have someone be nasty to you in public when you've sincerely tried to prevent their child from being injured?

The OP's description of age as a descriptor makes it obvious that age is a real bias now in these situations. If the person offering help had been a generational peer it would be a completely different story, I'm sure.

I don’t find ageism nearly as bad in the real world as it is on this forum. But you have a valid point.

These are tough situations for everyone involved. I've been on both sides - as the frustrated, embarrassed mother with the tantruming child and as the woman who tries, as non-invasively as possible, to offer to help or redirect the child's attention.

My children only had public meltdowns a few times each but each is etched into my memory. As the mother in that situation, it was a level of embarrassment and frustration for me unlike anything else I had experienced up to that point in my life. The worse the tantrum, the deeper my shame. Someone addressing me or my child in the midst of my sweaty, futile attempt to remove from public view a flailing 2-3 year old with superhuman strength feels even more embarrassing because it's an acknowledgment that someone is, in fact, witnessing my horrifying failure as a parent. I never snapped at anyone addressing us, but all I could manage was a tight smile and a grunt that we were fine. (Clearly we weren't). But I was always too deep in my situation to recognize and welcome help or input.

As a woman who has offered to help another parent, I don't take the parent's response personally and negative responses don't dissuade me from helping in the future. There could be all sorts of reasons why the parent responds that way. I am never invasive or condescending - it's usually something along the lines of quietly helping to pick up something that the parent or the child dropped, or trying to make silly faces at the child who is sitting in the grocery cart or across the plane aisle. One time I saw a stroller with an infant starting to roll away from a mom while she had her back turned and was dealing with a screeching toddler. I just stopped the stroller to keep it from rolling further. She saw me and "you don't need to do that" in a rude way. I just shrugged and said, "Ok, well, it was rolling away so you might want to activate the brake" and kept walking.

Most of the conflict in these situations stems from well-meaning people on both sides taking things too personally.

They're probably just seeing a parent struggling and trying to be helpful. What's the harm in someone diverting your kids attention for a minute or 2 if that gives you breathing room? They're not critiquing your parenting honey, they're just being nice. SBJ, people these days!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the sage advice I'd been given on DCUM, I am one of those 780-month olds who have stopped doing anything when it comes to someone else and their child.

I posted about a child getting ready to fall head-first out of a grocery cart (mom had her back turned momentarily) and I was ripped a new one for being intrusive, judgemental, you name it.

Since then other people's children are invisible to me. No more warnings of immediate danger, no more offers to help, no more smiles or friendly overtures.

It is a different world than the one I was raised in and fully understand that now.

See, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I've learned my lesson.

I’m sorry you were treated poorly, but you should not become the negative person here. Act like you were raised and care.

Nope.

In my generation if an older woman showed her care/concern and offered help she wasn't treated with disdain and outright hostility. Why be subjected to "poor" treatment again? Do you think it's pleasant to have someone be nasty to you in public when you've sincerely tried to prevent their child from being injured?

The OP's description of age as a descriptor makes it obvious that age is a real bias now in these situations. If the person offering help had been a generational peer it would be a completely different story, I'm sure.

OP, so not toddlers ... but at point, children are learning that their actions have consequences. With adults. Even children have some responsibility to the wider world, beyond themselves. When they annoy people, they are going to hear about it. It's going to happen. It's part of learning about natural consequences. And not every interaction will be carefully thought out. That's life too.

Anonymous wrote:Tantruming children and their cluess parents should be banner from society.

banned not banner.

Sometimes I do this just to try to redirect the kid, because I feel sorry for the parents.

Tantruming children and their cluess parents should be banner from society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the sage advice I'd been given on DCUM, I am one of those 780-month olds who have stopped doing anything when it comes to someone else and their child.

I posted about a child getting ready to fall head-first out of a grocery cart (mom had her back turned momentarily) and I was ripped a new one for being intrusive, judgemental, you name it.

Since then other people's children are invisible to me. No more warnings of immediate danger, no more offers to help, no more smiles or friendly overtures.

It is a different world than the one I was raised in and fully understand that now.

See, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I've learned my lesson.

I’m sorry you were treated poorly, but you should not become the negative person here. Act like you were raised and care.

DP. That's the point. Expressions of caring are frowned upon and complained about. Why shrug off a well-intentioned but unwanted offer of help when you can chastise someone trying to exhibit kindness? The reality is that the OP and others are insecure and embarrassed about not being in control of a situation and view the offer of help as condemnation of their parenting. There's no winning with negative, insecure people. A polite no thank you would cover the interaction, but instead, OP has to play the victim.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the sage advice I'd been given on DCUM, I am one of those 780-month olds who have stopped doing anything when it comes to someone else and their child.

I posted about a child getting ready to fall head-first out of a grocery cart (mom had her back turned momentarily) and I was ripped a new one for being intrusive, judgemental, you name it.

Since then other people's children are invisible to me. No more warnings of immediate danger, no more offers to help, no more smiles or friendly overtures.

It is a different world than the one I was raised in and fully understand that now.

See, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I've learned my lesson.

I’m sorry you were treated poorly, but you should not become the negative person here. Act like you were raised and care.

Thanks to the sage advice I'd been given on DCUM, I am one of those 780-month olds who have stopped doing anything when it comes to someone else and their child.

I posted about a child getting ready to fall head-first out of a grocery cart (mom had her back turned momentarily) and I was ripped a new one for being intrusive, judgemental, you name it.

Since then other people's children are invisible to me. No more warnings of immediate danger, no more offers to help, no more smiles or friendly overtures.

It is a different world than the one I was raised in and fully understand that now.

See, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I've learned my lesson.

Some kids do really well with redirection. Mine was one.

Sometimes someone else calmly stepping in does help. It makes me said to see these answers. The first time we flew my child was still under 1 and last minute unplanned emergency trip. He was starting to cry and a few women started making faces and he stopped (normally I would but trying to get his car seat in, etc). Huge help. They also offered to watch him if I had to go to the bathroom and other stuff. They on and off got reactions out of him and kept him happy.

Same trip, on the way home we were waiting at the gate and a mom was freaking out as her plane was delayed about diapers, wipes and formula. I wiped out my diaper bag and gave her everything (I overpacked) as I knew I had extra everything in the car waiting for us.

Just simple things like opening a door help.

If your kid tantrums regularly, if possible you leave them home. There is usually a toddler window where its very hard to take them out but if you do, I was always prepared with snacks, food, toys, etc. which goes a long way. If we'd go out to eat we learned to feed before we go to take away the hungry issue. Sometimes it takes time for parents to figure these things out when they don't have a lot of support or help.