Why do you keep referring to him as ‘SIL’s DH’ instead of your husband’s brother? I don’t think she is unreasonable at all in asking her husband’s brother to come help him get treatment. I think it is totally reasonable to decline at this time because traveling during a pandemic is risky, but she isn’t ‘obtuse’ for the request! Hopefully in a few months your DH will get vaccinated and he can fly out and help then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

OP is only considered cold because she’s a woman. If she were a guy, posters would be describing him as reasonable.

Flip the scrip. What if OP was SIL asking her husband’s brother for help, and his wife was not allowing him to go? Because that’s what’s going on.

The issue here is that brother is an alcoholic, which DCUM a has as much disdain for as OW.

The interesting thing is that as usual, half the threads are whining about a lack of help /support from family with things like babysitting, etc. So.. you’re supposed to babysit r family, but not help family members in a crisis?

And yea, alcoholism destroys families, but probably not as much as self centerdness does.

Alcoholics are self-centered. Unless you have the misfortune of dealing with a family member who is one, you know NOTHING about why family members need to protect themselves emotionally and financially from the self-destructive alcoholic member. This isn't a crisis. By now, the BIL has probably sobered up and sworn that he'll never drink again. But chances are, his wife will be finding empty bottles of vodka all over the house next month. She can choose to divorce or not but she shouldn't be harrassing OP and her DH to fly during a pandemic.

Humans are self centred. It’s part of survival.

This isn’t even the alcoholic asking for help, but I like how you fit the narrative to your needs.

Exactly! You can't force someone to become sober. This is the wife who thinks her husband's brother is some kind of magician but that is some kind of wishful thinking. She reminds me of my mom who will arrange family meetings and tell me to tell so-and-so at the same table about her demands ("Tell him I want to move out") as if I had some authority over her husband. You cannot help stupid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

Parents have a different obligation than siblings. Parents choose to have children. Children don't choose to have siblings.

Yet, my 21 year old told me that if anything happened to his sister, who has severe mental health issues, he could not keep living. But, allegedly they hate each other. I bet you if you needed help you would be crying wolf left and right. Such people that drain other people are usually never ready to return the favor. You are a cold-hearted bitch.

Interesting choice of the b-word. How did you come to assume my gender identity? That really goes to show the gender bias against women who enforce boundaries to protect their family and finances. You also contradict yourself by conflating not being willing to help with 'draining other people'. You think if the OP needed help from the SIL and her DH's brother, they would fly in and help them? Unlikely and so many threads on DCUM complain about doing favors for friends and family and yet there is nothing to enforce reciprocity. So perhaps you need to look inward and figure out why you're so wound up PP. Maybe you do a lot for family in the hopes that someday they'll put out for you but deep down, you know it's not going to happen?

Anonymous wrote:wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

Some people find good boundaries to be “cold.” In truth, good boundaries are all you have in some difficult situations.

Any addict has to want to get help for that help to work. (This is also true for the mentally ill.) Most treatment centers will not accept people who do not want to be there. Trying to convince someone to get treatment can feel coercive, manipulative to the alcoholic. This breaks trust in the relationship and causes the alcoholic to drift further from people offering “help.” Despite the popularity of intervention-style narratives, that is not something that works. Also, even addicts and the mentally ill have civil rights. It is very, very difficult to force someone to treatment without their consent. In fact, I am doubtful that this affidavit would do much.

So what works when dealing with addicts? Showing love without enabling. And if the alcoholic is causing harm to loved ones and is not willing to help himself, it is absolutely ethical and acceptable for loved ones to protect themselves by walking away —for a time or forever. Smaller steps might include moving out temporarily, separating finances, divorce, only interacting when sober, lessening contact, etc.

It is also important to know that addicts can be very manipulative (not all but many). Being a doormat risks having them ruin your life as well as theirs. It’s not cold, awful, or unloving to state the plain truth that some ugly situations don’t have happy endings for all involved. You save the people you can and drop the rope with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

OP is only considered cold because she’s a woman. If she were a guy, posters would be describing him as reasonable.

Flip the scrip. What if OP was SIL asking her husband’s brother for help, and his wife was not allowing him to go? Because that’s what’s going on.

The issue here is that brother is an alcoholic, which DCUM a has as much disdain for as OW.

The interesting thing is that as usual, half the threads are whining about a lack of help /support from family with things like babysitting, etc. So.. you’re supposed to babysit r family, but not help family members in a crisis?

And yea, alcoholism destroys families, but probably not as much as self centerdness does.

Alcoholics are self-centered. Unless you have the misfortune of dealing with a family member who is one, you know NOTHING about why family members need to protect themselves emotionally and financially from the self-destructive alcoholic member. This isn't a crisis. By now, the BIL has probably sobered up and sworn that he'll never drink again. But chances are, his wife will be finding empty bottles of vodka all over the house next month. She can choose to divorce or not but she shouldn't be harrassing OP and her DH to fly during a pandemic.

Humans are self centred. It’s part of survival.

This isn’t even the alcoholic asking for help, but I like how you fit the narrative to your needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

Parents have a different obligation than siblings. Parents choose to have children. Children don't choose to have siblings.

Yet, my 21 year old told me that if anything happened to his sister, who has severe mental health issues, he could not keep living. But, allegedly they hate each other. I bet you if you needed help you would be crying wolf left and right. Such people that drain other people are usually never ready to return the favor. You are a cold-hearted bitch.

Anonymous wrote:Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

Parents have a different obligation than siblings. Parents choose to have children. Children don't choose to have siblings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

OP is only considered cold because she’s a woman. If she were a guy, posters would be describing him as reasonable.

Flip the scrip. What if OP was SIL asking her husband’s brother for help, and his wife was not allowing him to go? Because that’s what’s going on.

The issue here is that brother is an alcoholic, which DCUM a has as much disdain for as OW.

The interesting thing is that as usual, half the threads are whining about a lack of help /support from family with things like babysitting, etc. So.. you’re supposed to babysit r family, but not help family members in a crisis?

And yea, alcoholism destroys families, but probably not as much as self centerdness does.

Alcoholics are self-centered. Unless you have the misfortune of dealing with a family member who is one, you know NOTHING about why family members need to protect themselves emotionally and financially from the self-destructive alcoholic member. This isn't a crisis. By now, the BIL has probably sobered up and sworn that he'll never drink again. But chances are, his wife will be finding empty bottles of vodka all over the house next month. She can choose to divorce or not but she shouldn't be harrassing OP and her DH to fly during a pandemic.

Anonymous wrote:Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

By DCUM standards yes. But in the same breath, “i moved 40000 miles away to make more money, but no one helps with babysitting. They done even come over for dinner now and then, and I actually have to call once a week and last time they came for more than 3 days and ate my food!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

OP is only considered cold because she’s a woman. If she were a guy, posters would be describing him as reasonable.

Flip the scrip. What if OP was SIL asking her husband’s brother for help, and his wife was not allowing him to go? Because that’s what’s going on.

The issue here is that brother is an alcoholic, which DCUM a has as much disdain for as OW.

The interesting thing is that as usual, half the threads are whining about a lack of help /support from family with things like babysitting, etc. So.. you’re supposed to babysit r family, but not help family members in a crisis?

And yea, alcoholism destroys families, but probably not as much as self centerdness does.

Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

Anonymous wrote:wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

OP is only considered cold because she’s a woman. If she were a guy, posters would be describing him as reasonable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really not your decision.

Yes, it won’t be if either of them end up dead from COVID-19.

Drama queen.

wow, reading this thread was disheartening. I am in my 50s and I have never being drunk in my life, not even as a teenager. I also tend to be on my high horse but in this case I am appalled by the posters bashing the alcoholic guy "because it is a choice". I understand that alcoholism, like other addictions, wreck havoc on people and their families and that after dealing with an addicted person for years family members may have enough or just have to recognize that there is little they can do, so I would not blame OP's DH if, in the specific circumstances of his case, he decided not to go because he recognized there was nothing he could do and so on. but reading the coldness of OP was almost frightening (OP you say that your own family would know better than involving you in their problems and frankly I can see why, just hope that if one day you end up being the one needing help you will find people better then you). and so many posters insisting that alcoholism is totally a choice and thus a weakness of the alcoholic, who can stop cold turkey if he only decides it.

Anonymous wrote:It’s really not your decision.

Yes, it won’t be if either of them end up dead from COVID-19.