Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

I completely agree about the form. It happens and I wouldn’t see a reason to irritate the people who take care of my kids. Also I assume you know the director and whether they are typically organized?

Anonymous wrote:My bias is that I don’t like men who say that women embarras them. That’s something I associate with children, not adults, especially adult women.

I’ll say though that when I saw this thread, I thought your wife would be fighting with random people over parking when nobody is guaranteed a spot like at the grocery store, or screaming at the mailman that he’d better come back tomorrow, except it’s Saturday and mailmen don’t work Sundays.

From what you describe, your wife is correct. We just got the runaround from a blinds contractor to the point that we canceled the order and got a full refund. My husband was annoyed with me, but I was done, once they showed up and actually told us they didn’t have time to do the work, then they reschedled, then they called to reschedule again for absolutely no reason. It was maddening. It took my husband awhile to figure out that I wasn’t being a bitch, I think part of this, and I’ve said this before, we rarely see our spouses as businesspeople, we marry them because they are soft and gentle with us, so we expect that they will be that way with everybody.

From my perspective, a contractor was hired, the contractor failed to show, then didn’t do the work properly when he did show. Without hearing the conversation, I don’t know if your resolution that you’d do half the work or pick up supplies or what, but I’m on the side of your wife, if you’re paying for a full service job, then you should get full servicce experience. The only thing you should have to do is hand the guy a check for the agreed upon price, the contractor isn’t your buddy. Your wife knows who she married, if you could have or would have done the work, you’d not have needed a contractor. I remind my husband of this whenever he decides to play Mr. Fix-it, or “help” the contractor by picking up supplies, I know from experience, it won’t end well.



Ditto for the daycare, they simply shouldn’t loose paperwork. Of course it isn’t a big deal, very few things in life are, but the integrity of the system and the integrity of the process matters. It’s like a library fine, of course anybody can aford 25 cents for a fine, that isn’t the point, the point is that we trust the libraries to handle books and information appropriately.

You seem both very eager to accomidate paid help, the contractor and daycare, and you seem very worried about things “backfiring”. I wonder like another person if you have been abused… we no longer live in a world where you or anybody has to put up with bad behavior. It’s not like we are pioneers with only one skilled carpenter or one skilled midwife and you’d better not piss those people off or you will literally be out in the cold forced to deliver a baby on your own. We should be thankful for that.

I also wonder if you give grace to the help but treat your wife poorly. Do you bite her head off if she forgets to pay a bill, then be understanding when someone you are paying looses paperwork they shouldn’t have lost.

We’ve been with covid for about a year now, nobody needs time to get used to it. The simplicty of the form, or the amount of time it takes to fill out aren’t the point, even if you filled it out.

Going forward, make sure you show your wife more grace and concern then you do anybody else, she is the one you chose to marry. She’s not loosing her temper when she expresses displeasure at a paid provider. You may not like how she goes about it, but as another poster said, if you are worried the daycare will treat your kids poorly because of an email, then you haven’t been “happily sending” the kids there.

Might it be that your wife has picked up on the facd that unethical people have been hired? It’s something to think about.

My God, you sound really unhinged.
That has to be one of THE longest posts I've ever read, in defense of something that you deem as "normal".

It's safe to say that you're a total control freak and a nightmare to be around... your poor family.

You need to look into getting your anxiety treated, because DAMN. 😱

My mother can be like this. It’s because my father is very non-confrontational and passive. He’s a brilliant man, but a complete doormat. It’s usually my mother who hires contractors. Once a painter thought my dad couldn’t speak English because my dad said nothing at all before or during the paint job which lasted over a week. My father wasn’t abused. It’s his nature to always be accommodating to outsiders. It takes a toll on my mother. My brother saw all this growing up. He is the complete opposite. He is fair but he can easily handle a contractor who doesn’t do the work he was paid to do. I sympathize with OP’s wife.

Sorry, OP. Your wife sounds like a bitch.

Just the fact that OP posts on DCUM says all you need to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

OP's wife has entered the chat

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

Please don't insult women.
That's such a ridiculous notion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

Team OP here. I am a person who doesn't let little things get to me. Life is too short to bitch at people about a lost form. It is lost. Fill it out. The End. What good does chastizing them do? I am sure they didn't do it on purpose. I would not be ok with marrying someone as uptight and bitchy as his wife.

I am always in favor in being able to accurately assess the situation and responding in the most productive way possible.

In the daycare example, if this is not a regular occurence and the daycare director has already apologized, why continuing harping on it? It's not productive. The stakes are fairly low and it's not a big deal.

In the contractor example, the stakes are much higher. It seems that the contractor needed a firmer hand in order to get everything done correctly. So the productive response would have been to be more assertive.

OP's wife is probably over dramatic and over exaggerate things but sometimes, that can be the right response. OP can be a little too passive and easy going but sometimes, that can be right response.

What's more concerning is that they are not working as team and don't present a united front to the outside world.

I don't always agree with how my dh does things but I trust him and his judgement completely. If it's a big issue, we will have a private discussion. However, I would never publicly undermine him.

I'm a contractor and I can spot the type. You will always get my special discount.

I love your DW! . It’s usually women married to unassertive men who need to act like this. I’m married to a man who is a complete a hole behind the computer but confronting someone over the phone or in person he literally will pee himself. So it’s made me, a normally shy introvert, have to take matters into my own hands by being like your wife. We just went thru a reno and I had numerous arguments with contractors who thought since they were dealing with a woman they could do what they wanted.

My bias is that I don’t like men who say that women embarras them. That’s something I associate with children, not adults, especially adult women.

I’ll say though that when I saw this thread, I thought your wife would be fighting with random people over parking when nobody is guaranteed a spot like at the grocery store, or screaming at the mailman that he’d better come back tomorrow, except it’s Saturday and mailmen don’t work Sundays.

From what you describe, your wife is correct. We just got the runaround from a blinds contractor to the point that we canceled the order and got a full refund. My husband was annoyed with me, but I was done, once they showed up and actually told us they didn’t have time to do the work, then they reschedled, then they called to reschedule again for absolutely no reason. It was maddening. It took my husband awhile to figure out that I wasn’t being a bitch, I think part of this, and I’ve said this before, we rarely see our spouses as businesspeople, we marry them because they are soft and gentle with us, so we expect that they will be that way with everybody.

From my perspective, a contractor was hired, the contractor failed to show, then didn’t do the work properly when he did show. Without hearing the conversation, I don’t know if your resolution that you’d do half the work or pick up supplies or what, but I’m on the side of your wife, if you’re paying for a full service job, then you should get full servicce experience. The only thing you should have to do is hand the guy a check for the agreed upon price, the contractor isn’t your buddy. Your wife knows who she married, if you could have or would have done the work, you’d not have needed a contractor. I remind my husband of this whenever he decides to play Mr. Fix-it, or “help” the contractor by picking up supplies, I know from experience, it won’t end well.



Ditto for the daycare, they simply shouldn’t loose paperwork. Of course it isn’t a big deal, very few things in life are, but the integrity of the system and the integrity of the process matters. It’s like a library fine, of course anybody can aford 25 cents for a fine, that isn’t the point, the point is that we trust the libraries to handle books and information appropriately.

You seem both very eager to accomidate paid help, the contractor and daycare, and you seem very worried about things “backfiring”. I wonder like another person if you have been abused… we no longer live in a world where you or anybody has to put up with bad behavior. It’s not like we are pioneers with only one skilled carpenter or one skilled midwife and you’d better not piss those people off or you will literally be out in the cold forced to deliver a baby on your own. We should be thankful for that.

I also wonder if you give grace to the help but treat your wife poorly. Do you bite her head off if she forgets to pay a bill, then be understanding when someone you are paying looses paperwork they shouldn’t have lost.

We’ve been with covid for about a year now, nobody needs time to get used to it. The simplicty of the form, or the amount of time it takes to fill out aren’t the point, even if you filled it out.

Going forward, make sure you show your wife more grace and concern then you do anybody else, she is the one you chose to marry. She’s not loosing her temper when she expresses displeasure at a paid provider. You may not like how she goes about it, but as another poster said, if you are worried the daycare will treat your kids poorly because of an email, then you haven’t been “happily sending” the kids there.

Might it be that your wife has picked up on the facd that unethical people have been hired? It’s something to think about.

My friend is like your wife. She routinely chases off contractors, is never satisfied with the work and yells. She takes pride in it but I think she is rude. It's even worse because she stands over contractors telling them what to do even though she has no idea what she is talking about. If she coukd do the work she wouldn't need a contractor. Eventually the reputation catches up. Several contractors will not work with my friend

OP, I bet you are around males who display a temper. I think you just don't like it because it's *your* wife. She is her own person. If you don't like it, don't watch.

If you don't like it, anticipate the occasions and make yourself scarce.

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team OP. Wife sounds a bit off the rails.

I agree. The daycare issue is just over the top aggressive.