Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

This. Reevaluate. It’s you.

+100. So many people in denial here. No wonder one in eight American adults are alcoholics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell uses the phrase..."refresh a cocktail"? Especially at a "bonafire"?

Refresh a cocktail is an excuse to make yourself another drink. OP is an alcoholic.

Oh yes, because anyone who has more than a single drink is an alkie

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell uses the phrase..."refresh a cocktail"? Especially at a "bonafire"?

Refresh a cocktail is an excuse to make yourself another drink. OP is an alcoholic.

OP - you don't need to drink in front of him. Yes, you are entitled to. But wouldn't it be more fun, away being with others? (post cavid) If it's just him and you, isn't that almost like drinking alone?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

Refreshing a cocktail is making yourself a new one, adding more bitters or spirits or ice, a new mixer, etc. Have you ever been to a cocktail party, a dinner party, a barbecue, or any kind of party?

No. They have not. They obviously don’t get invited to parties, not with that moralizing, judgmental attitude.

This was on Friday night during Covid times. I feel bad for you if you need hard booze at a barbeque. Do you have social anxiety? I know people like OP - I'll just have a glass of wine at 5 PM; two hours later, the whole bottle is gone.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/national/wp/2016/12/23/nine-charts-that-show-how-white-women-are-drinking-themselves-to-death/

If I knew you, I’d also be finishing bottles of wine. What a pain in the arse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a truth worth repeating, that if your spouse believes you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem with alcohol. Your desire to cast this in different terms (husband is newly controlling due to death of parents), is that part of your subconscious mind, which is terrified of losing that to which it is addicted. Someone without an emotional or physical dependency would gladly refrain from drinking during husband’s grieving period, the first time he expressed his feelings about it. Read Annie Grace, This Naked Mind.

The issue isn't not drinking. It's that my spouse hasn't been forthright with me or spoken to me about it. It's been passive-aggressive comments to me and about our friends engaging in behavior that he has been fine with for many years.

In fact, after reading this thread, I asked him if he would like me to abstain. He said no and said he did not want to discuss it right now.

I don't care about not drinking. I have gone years at a time without drinking due to pregnancy, a health issue, etc. I do care about being berated and yelled at. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, so please don't project.

So now he's yelling t you and berating you? I just don't trust your version of events. I hope you can figure it out.

+1. You went from saying he makes "little comments" to berating and yelling. Those are two very different scenarios and changes how people are going to advise you to proceed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

This. Reevaluate. It’s you.

Nope. Her DH was fine with it before. It’s him, he needs therapy. His parents just died, but he doesn’t get to work out his grief on his wife.

Anonymous wrote:You're doing cocktails on a weekday at home? Your friends came over today to drink beers?

This. Reevaluate. It’s you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I hear people say they want to “refresh” their drink, I reflexively think they don’t want to acknowledge having a third or fourth. I realize that may not be the case here, but I am sensitive to the cutesy language that people use to describe their drinking. I am very occasional drinker with lots of alcoholism in my family.

I agree with that. Just say "I was having a second cocktail."

So, the above pp is basically DH's husband? And she can't see just how all her baggage is projected onto op? Talk about delusional! This is what your DH is thinking too, op. I think very common for people with alcoholism in their family to think everyone around them is an alcoholic!

I think it would benefit you to look into information about adult children of alcoholics as well as grief it might help you to understand your current situation better.


Also when I lost my dad earlier this year the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with friends. I wanted to be by myself r snuggle with DH and the kids that's it. Your husband may just not have the bandwidth to deal with having friends over right now.

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents were alcoholics. Both recently died (not alcohol-related) - his dad just two months ago.
Since they died, he has been very odd about alcohol use. He does not drink due to his parents. However, he really never cared if I drank or not.
Lately, though, he's been incredibly judgmental and touchy. I refreshed my cocktail yesterday and he made a comment. Tonight, friends came over and he said, "Don't come in hammered!"
Just little comments. Friends came over (his friends) last week and he was weird about his friend bringing beer over...Although this is something that has happened for many years.

I like to drink. I don't suffer from alcoholism. It plays no role in my life beyond a stress reliever/social lubricant from time to time. Yet now he's making all sorts of comments. I am wondering if he's maybe even tempted to drink and envious?? I don't know how to handle it. It has truly never been an issue in our relationship until his parents died.

Help??

I think you've gotten lots of good advice. It's likely your husband has some anxiety around alcohol consumption if his parents were both alcoholics. And they just died - your post makes it sound like they were alcoholics until the end so I don't know how you can say their deaths weren't alcohol related.

In reference to the bolded above, not judging because I am currently trying to eliminate my own drinking problem, but I spent a lot of years telling myself that my higher than normal consumption was fine - I mean everyone else around me was doing it and we were all fine, right?

You reference refreshing your cocktail one night and then friends coming over with beers the next night. If alcohol consumption is a night habit then I think you should take a hard look at your drinking habits.

And talk to your husband - ask him if he feels more anxious because of parents, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a truth worth repeating, that if your spouse believes you have a problem with alcohol, you have a problem with alcohol. Your desire to cast this in different terms (husband is newly controlling due to death of parents), is that part of your subconscious mind, which is terrified of losing that to which it is addicted. Someone without an emotional or physical dependency would gladly refrain from drinking during husband’s grieving period, the first time he expressed his feelings about it. Read Annie Grace, This Naked Mind.

The issue isn't not drinking. It's that my spouse hasn't been forthright with me or spoken to me about it. It's been passive-aggressive comments to me and about our friends engaging in behavior that he has been fine with for many years.

In fact, after reading this thread, I asked him if he would like me to abstain. He said no and said he did not want to discuss it right now.

I don't care about not drinking. I have gone years at a time without drinking due to pregnancy, a health issue, etc. I do care about being berated and yelled at. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, so please don't project.

So now he's yelling t you and berating you? I just don't trust your version of events. I hope you can figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I hear people say they want to “refresh” their drink, I reflexively think they don’t want to acknowledge having a third or fourth. I realize that may not be the case here, but I am sensitive to the cutesy language that people use to describe their drinking. I am very occasional drinker with lots of alcoholism in my family.

I agree with that. Just say "I was having a second cocktail."

People can say whatever they want. Trying to control speech is fascism, Carrie Nation.

Anonymous wrote:When I hear people say they want to “refresh” their drink, I reflexively think they don’t want to acknowledge having a third or fourth. I realize that may not be the case here, but I am sensitive to the cutesy language that people use to describe their drinking. I am very occasional drinker with lots of alcoholism in my family.

I agree with that. Just say "I was having a second cocktail."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is "refreshing cocktail"? Two hard alcoholic drink a night is too much drinking.

Refreshing a cocktail is making yourself a new one, adding more bitters or spirits or ice, a new mixer, etc. Have you ever been to a cocktail party, a dinner party, a barbecue, or any kind of party?

No. They have not. They obviously don’t get invited to parties, not with that moralizing, judgmental attitude.

This was on Friday night during Covid times. I feel bad for you if you need hard booze at a barbeque. Do you have social anxiety? I know people like OP - I'll just have a glass of wine at 5 PM; two hours later, the whole bottle is gone.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/national/wp/2016/12/23/nine-charts-that-show-how-white-women-are-drinking-themselves-to-death/

You are really bringing your own baggage to this. Friday night "during COVID times" finds many sensible people socializing at a distance, outdoors, perhaps by a fire.

Hard booze at a barbecue? Seriously? Here are some wonderful, well-loved barbecue cocktail recipes from the NYT:
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1012610-hipster-bbq
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1016278-noreaster (this one is especially well-known)

Here's another offering from Food & Wine
https://www.foodandwine.com/cocktails-spirits/cocktails-grilling

Perhaps you also feel sorry for the legions of readers making these recipes or enjoying them at restaurants during non-pandemic times?

It's also interesting that you seem to know the demographic makeup of people on this post; the WP story refers to white, middle-aged women. Have you conducted a demographic survey of the posters on this thread?

Please reserve your pity for those who require it.