Anonymous wrote:UGh, this is an issue with my ILs and my own parents (both Greatest Generation/Silents). It's like, really, you need a card, flowers and a phone call? I think they believe it's part of the endless gratitude that needs to be shown to them for marrying then bearing us.

My now widowed mom is a Silent Generationer and expects endless gratitude. SHE remembers every anniversary/birthday/special date and is very thoughtful but has unrealistic expectations. She recently became very angry with my brother who was traveling on HIS birthday and HE didn’t call HER on his birthday. She said she couldn’t believe that her own son didn’t call HER on HIS birthday.

My mom insisted that their wedding anniversary be announced in her hometown newspaper. She had her sister/my aunt do this for her. Then she complained she didn’t like the photo aunt included and was disappointed that some details she expected were omitted.

My mom pretty much hijacked my wedding guest list.

When my mom turned 80 and wasn’t feted appropriately (not everyone could gather on her actual birthday) she whined that “her 80th birthdays been on the calendar for 80 years...”

Getting so angry rehashing all of these things!


OP - stand your ground! Establish boundaries now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Think through your own "logic," here.

Becoming "their daughter" still doesn't make you squarely in charge. It makes you on the level of DH and his siblings. So they still have other children. So you are one of several people whose responsibility it is to plan and purchase gifts, send cards, etc. Sure, you can be involved. But why would you take charge?!

Oh, but they don't have other children. LOL

Don’t play dumb.

At a minimum they have your DH — tge child they raised. Follow his lead regarding planning. Why would you need to communicate more than they raised their child to? If they expect more from you than from their child, they’re not treating you like a daughter, they’re treating you like their child’s assistant. This is especially true if their son is always forgiven fir forgetting, and you are expected to remember. That’s not loving. That’s not treating you like a member if the family. That’s treating you like the hired help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

Judge away, i don't. And we married 6 years ago, ha. AND i am a woman, i just don't care about those sentimental milestone celebrations at all, neither does husband.
Every day is a celebration for me, having a family, kids is the best thing that happened to me.
DP

OK, I think we've established that you and PP Are Very Different and Aren't Like Other Girls.

Yep, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
I also don't like silly hyped up valentine's day: men running around jewelry stores trying to grab something/anything last minute, overpriced flowers, overbooked crowded restaurants. Meh.

Wow, You Are Unique! Who ever thought of disliking Valentine's Day? Oh what's that, it's overhyped and a made-up commercial holiday? Slow down with this fresh perspective...I'm taking notes. Hot take!

Anonymous wrote:

Respectfully, I think this is short-sighted. I’m a DIL who calls her MIL “mom” because she wanted me to and it was fine with me and my mother. Of course she’s not the mother I grew up with, who can’t be replaced, but the name doesn’t change the bond I have with my mother. Then my mom died and my MIL has treated me just like her daughter, which helps fill the void just a little. When I had a huge health issue, it was my MIL who reacted just as my mother would have by pausing everything in her own life and showing up to help immediately.

Well, this does touch on my underlying issue. I was mothered poorly by my own mother, who is mentally ill. So mother relationships are difficult for me. I definitely was not in the market for managing an additional mother relationship. My MIL is a good person, but she's not a good candidate for a mother figure for me. It's all guilt inducing for me.

I think it's healthiest for me to follow the dcum advice to lay all the responsibility on my DH, and I mostly do, but it makes me feel pretty guilty when I know they probably don't understand why I don't pick up the phone and call myself or why I wait forever to answer a text (because I'm waiting for DH to answer it first) and stuff like that.

Your post resonated with me and I appreciate that you've articulated so well my own feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

Judge away, i don't. And we married 6 years ago, ha. AND i am a woman, i just don't care about those sentimental milestone celebrations at all, neither does husband.
Every day is a celebration for me, having a family, kids is the best thing that happened to me.
DP

OK, I think we've established that you and PP Are Very Different and Aren't Like Other Girls.

Yep, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
I also don't like silly hyped up valentine's day: men running around jewelry stores trying to grab something/anything last minute, overpriced flowers, overbooked crowded restaurants. Meh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Think through your own "logic," here.

Becoming "their daughter" still doesn't make you squarely in charge. It makes you on the level of DH and his siblings. So they still have other children. So you are one of several people whose responsibility it is to plan and purchase gifts, send cards, etc. Sure, you can be involved. But why would you take charge?!

Oh, but they don't have other children. LOL

OK, but they have a son: your husband. Now they have a "daughter." So at most, you do half this work and collaboration, not all. This is not on you just because you have a vagina.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

Because we got married at the courthouse! We scheduled it maybe 3 weeks before, showed up with a couple of close friends and celebrated at a super nice restaurant after. It was a special day but nothing special about the date itself. We often forget. I finally set my calendar to remind me a week ahead so we can plan something.

PP from above. This was us as well!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

Judge away, i don't. And we married 6 years ago, ha. AND i am a woman, i just don't care about those sentimental milestone celebrations at all, neither does husband.
Every day is a celebration for me, having a family, kids is the best thing that happened to me.
DP

OK, I think we've established that you and PP Are Very Different and Aren't Like Other Girls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't remember for sure my own wedding date. I know my parents' was in July (they are both deceased) and we had a big event for their 25th but I don't know the date. And no idea when my in-laws were married. Question is, did FIL remember it???

To be honest, I just don't understand how you don't remember the date you were married?

Judge away, i don't. And we married 6 years ago, ha. AND i am a woman, i just don't care about those sentimental milestone celebrations at all, neither does husband.
Every day is a celebration for me, having a family, kids is the best thing that happened to me.
DP

Respectfully, I think this is short-sighted. I’m a DIL who calls her MIL “mom” because she wanted me to and it was fine with me and my mother. Of course she’s not the mother I grew up with, who can’t be replaced, but the name doesn’t change the bond I have with my mother. Then my mom died and my MIL has treated me just like her daughter, which helps fill the void just a little. When I had a huge health issue, it was my MIL who reacted just as my mother would have by pausing everything in her own life and showing up to help immediately.

Well, this does touch on my underlying issue. I was mothered poorly by my own mother, who is mentally ill. So mother relationships are difficult for me. I definitely was not in the market for managing an additional mother relationship. My MIL is a good person, but she's not a good candidate for a mother figure for me. It's all guilt inducing for me.

I think it's healthiest for me to follow the dcum advice to lay all the responsibility on my DH, and I mostly do, but it makes me feel pretty guilty when I know they probably don't understand why I don't pick up the phone and call myself or why I wait forever to answer a text (because I'm waiting for DH to answer it first) and stuff like that.

OP, maybe your husband should tell his mother to stop being so petty and self interested during a worldwide pandemic. She's a piece of work. OP, be grateful for this shot across the bow. Now you know what you'll be facing with this woman going forward. YOu need to set boundaries and expectations now and be comfortable with her being perpetually upset. Once you have children you will hold all of the cards.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your DH's problem Op
And it shouldn't be a problem, anyway. But some older parents feel there ought to be a big party. They can't arrange it .. it wouldn't be the polite thing to do (in their mind) so their children should take the reins. And shouldn't have to be told this. For a milestone anniversary. But which milestone anniversary is most important to them? One big party is enough. Have DH determine which year they would like this. Zero in on that. Once and that's it.

Right, their children. OP is not their child.

What about when the ILs have decided that their child's spouse is like one of their own children? This appears to be the norm in DH's family, and it comes from a loving place, but it has caused all kinds of awkwardness for me. The day we were married, they told me, "We will consider you our own daughter, and we hope you will consider us another Mom and Dad," or something like that, I wasn't able to process it at the time, but I didn't know I was making a commitment by saying thanks. I never wanted to call them Mom and Dad, and when I realized that was the intention, I called them nothing for years and now I call them by their grandparent names.

I get into situations like the OPs all the time because I think they are treating me like their own child, and so they expect me to act like their own child. Like, why wouldn't I be the one to arrange visits and answer for DH, when I am like their own daughter?

Think through your own "logic," here.

Becoming "their daughter" still doesn't make you squarely in charge. It makes you on the level of DH and his siblings. So they still have other children. So you are one of several people whose responsibility it is to plan and purchase gifts, send cards, etc. Sure, you can be involved. But why would you take charge?!

Oh, but they don't have other children. LOL