Anonymous wrote:OP, sending you hope and sympathy.

You sound unhappy and overwhelmed. For me part of breaking out of that cycle in all parts of my life was learning about healthy boundaries and how to enforce them. You will feel better when you can tell other people what you need and when you can stand your ground on issues that are important to you. There’s a lot of self help out there, but few great alternatives to going to therapy and doing the work.

A lot of the “flowery,” cheerful moms have more space in their lives to nurture in that way. It’s easier to be warm and creative when your emotional needs are met and when labor feels fairly divided in a household.

Fair, but the OP is going/has gone through some extremely rough stuff. A child with cancer and another with significant special needs is really a lot, i.e., goes beyond fair division of labor in a household. The OP needs help ASAP. I'm hugely supportive of therapy (have done it myself), but "doing the work," if you *really* do the work, takes a long time. So, fine, go to therapy, but *also* throw money at things now, get support for your child, etc.

Also, FWIW, the vast majority of the happiest, most functional moms I know have substantial extended family support in the form of money or childcare/hands-on help or both. They have not only practical help, but a safety net. Without that, it's much harder. Not impossible, but hard in a way that people who do have that support often really can't fathom.

OP, sending you hope and sympathy.

You sound unhappy and overwhelmed. For me part of breaking out of that cycle in all parts of my life was learning about healthy boundaries and how to enforce them. You will feel better when you can tell other people what you need and when you can stand your ground on issues that are important to you. There’s a lot of self help out there, but few great alternatives to going to therapy and doing the work.

A lot of the “flowery,” cheerful moms have more space in their lives to nurture in that way. It’s easier to be warm and creative when your emotional needs are met and when labor feels fairly divided in a household.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Give her up for adoption to somrone.will.love her and treat
like a valuable human being.

Holy shit! You're a monster PP

No. I am not. This 9 year old child is miserable and abused by OP.

Please ignore these nuts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Give her up for adoption to somrone.will.love her and treat
like a valuable human being.

Holy shit! You're a monster PP

No. I am not. This 9 year old child is miserable and abused by OP.

Anonymous wrote:I would say any mom who cared for a child through cancer and managed to get one with severe SNs the help he needs, all the while with a selfish jerk of a DH is not a crappy mom at all, but could very well be a seriously traumatized one.

+100

Anonymous wrote:I had a sibling that took up my parent's attention too - constant psychiatry and medical appointments, problems at school etc. I recognize then and now that they were doing the best they could to ensure that sibling had a good start at life.

But as the child who didn't make waves and excelled at school, it pretty much sucked to be overlooked, not taken into consideration as much, asked to do chores I knew they wouldn't offer to the 'mentally unstable' one etc.

Its unfair. Your child recognizes that and it sounds like you're not listening to their concerns.

Same. I was the oldest too. I was easy going, did well at school and helped with chores. Siblings had to do NOTHING and it hurt so badly.

OP you need a chore chart and to make sure things are divided fairly. An 8 and a 9 year old should have the same chores as they're so similar in ages. Every week, take one kid out and do an activity with only them, and rotate whose turn it is. Also, give your DH a big kick in the ass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grrrrrrrr . . . reading this thread fills me with so much rage towards your DH, OP. Just so gross to disregard the well-being of his own family like this.

An OP is not enabling it, but foisting his duties onto her own child.

**not only

"Grrrrr" PP here. Such a misogynistic response.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grrrrrrrr . . . reading this thread fills me with so much rage towards your DH, OP. Just so gross to disregard the well-being of his own family like this.

An OP is not enabling it, but foisting his duties onto her own child.

**not only

Anonymous wrote:Grrrrrrrr . . . reading this thread fills me with so much rage towards your DH, OP. Just so gross to disregard the well-being of his own family like this.

An OP is not enabling it, but foisting his duties onto her own child.

Grrrrrrrr . . . reading this thread fills me with so much rage towards your DH, OP. Just so gross to disregard the well-being of his own family like this.

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that people here don’t recognize the benefits of chores. There have been many studies done that show how good they are for kids. Here is just one:

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_benefits_of_kids_doing_chores

The book “how to be a happier parent” has an awesome chapter on chores, if anybody is looking to learn the benefits of chores and see how to implement them. It’s great because the author uses solid studies to back up the premise and has a lot of anecdotes about implementing them and kids benefiting from them.

I give my DD chores for all of these exact reasons. But I don't actually "need" (OP's words) her to do them in order to keep my household running. Because my DH is actually a partner, neither of us is so overwhelmed as to need the manual labor of our young children to keep up. Clearly OP has more on her plate than I do, but it sure does seem that what she is asking of her DD has tipped from unequal (OK) to unfair (not OK). DH needs to step up immediately and OP needs to carve out some one-on-one time with DD everyday -- the idea of a daily walk offered up-thread was nice. Then some therapy as well.

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that people here don’t recognize the benefits of chores. There have been many studies done that show how good they are for kids. Here is just one:

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_benefits_of_kids_doing_chores

The book “how to be a happier parent” has an awesome chapter on chores, if anybody is looking to learn the benefits of chores and see how to implement them. It’s great because the author uses solid studies to back up the premise and has a lot of anecdotes about implementing them and kids benefiting from them.

It's sad that the only child to get chores is the 9 year old (hence the Cinderella reference) while everyone else including DH gets a free ride. That is shitty parenting. Why isn't everyone contributing?

This poor, parentified child.

All the kids should have chores relative to their abilities. Chores are discussed and previewed so kid knows to expect. Chores get done before screen time.

I don’t think OP is a bad mom. I think she’s overwhelmed and needs a reset with all the kids.

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that people here don’t recognize the benefits of chores. There have been many studies done that show how good they are for kids. Here is just one:

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_benefits_of_kids_doing_chores

The book “how to be a happier parent” has an awesome chapter on chores, if anybody is looking to learn the benefits of chores and see how to implement them. It’s great because the author uses solid studies to back up the premise and has a lot of anecdotes about implementing them and kids benefiting from them.

I don’t think anyone here is saying chores are not beneficial. OP has pretty much admitted that a)her DH is not pulling his weight and b)she is leaning on her 9 yo to pick up the slack.

Not cool, and not fair to the 9 year old.