Anonymous wrote:I know I’m probably being silly for this but... My sister and I each had a daughter two weeks apart (not planned). We were both so excited for them to go through all the milestones together, be close, grow up together, etc. They are both summer birthdays (our cutoff is 8/31) and both opted to start them in kindergarten this year (different schools, but both in person private because of Covid and work needs).

My DD has been thriving in kindergarten, even more than we’d hoped. Her teachers confirmed we made the right decision sending her (and her private K is very academically rigorous). Her daughter is not as “advanced” (put in quotes because I don’t take kindergarten that seriously) as mine in terms of reading and math, but I can definitely tell she’s bright. She is a bit emotionally immature, but nothing concerning. I guess she scored slightly below average on an assessment test. Now my sister wants to have her repeat kindergarten. I’m just mourning a little bit that now they won’t be going through a lot of the milestones at the same time, which would’ve been so special to them.

I’m out of line for feeling this way, correct? I know it’s not appropriate to try to talk her out of her decision... she’s not my child, but I feel pretty strongly against having a child repeat a grade (especially kindergarten when they are developing so rapidly).

You have a daughter. She has a daughter. Pretty clear how you should feel about this.

I feel for you OP! My daughter was born a few months before her cousin and it's hard not to make comparisons. But it's really hard to tell how kids will progress at the tender age of 5, so I wouldn't put too much stock into the comparisons.

Your sister is making a good decision for her daughter, so please support her. I'm surprised that somewhere your sister holding her daughter back a year isn't making you reconsider your decision to put your daughter into school early. I would definitely question my decision if I were in your place. Also, as other posters have noted, your kids may actually be better friends because they are not in the same grade. I was very good friends with a cousin who was a grade above me and never even thought to compare myself to her. It's actually crazy for me to think about now.

I have a summer birthday and repeated kindergarten, because I could barely read and my parents were worried. My husband also has a summer birthday and was held back in Pre-K, because he didn't understand analogies (can you tell he went to NCRC?). I went to Amherst and he went to Harvard. We probably would have been fine going early, but I can say unequivocally that repeating/being the oldest in our grades didn't hurt.

I just want to say that my son is super close with two of his cousins. The three of them have like 10 other cousins but they are the closest.

They are two college freshman and one high school senior. All very close and good friends. It has never mattered that one of them is a year behind in school (he happens to actually be that whole year younger). And they celebrate each other's accomplishments, regardless of the year.

(some of the other cousins are close in age too, including my own DC's younger sister) but none are as close as these three.

It's been very natural for them. But also there was a lot of competition over the years, mostly from grandparents etc, and the kid mostly ignore all that, thankfully.

Don't worry about it - just be happy they are close in age and encourage without forcing.

I was near the cut-off and my mom sent me on to K "early." I did fine academically but struggled socially because I was physically much smaller than the other kids. I then repeated K at another school and went on to be valedictorian, solid friendships, a good college, etc. My mom made the right call. At some point, you have to trust that each situation is different and each parent is doing the best they can. There are no bright line rules.

I truly don’t understand why they can’t be close if they’re in different grades.

Anonymous wrote:I know I’m probably being silly for this but... My sister and I each had a daughter two weeks apart (not planned). We were both so excited for them to go through all the milestones together, be close, grow up together, etc. They are both summer birthdays (our cutoff is 8/31) and both opted to start them in kindergarten this year (different schools, but both in person private because of Covid and work needs).

My DD has been thriving in kindergarten, even more than we’d hoped. Her teachers confirmed we made the right decision sending her (and her private K is very academically rigorous). Her daughter is not as “advanced” (put in quotes because I don’t take kindergarten that seriously) as mine in terms of reading and math, but I can definitely tell she’s bright. She is a bit emotionally immature, but nothing concerning. I guess she scored slightly below average on an assessment test. Now my sister wants to have her repeat kindergarten. I’m just mourning a little bit that now they won’t be going through a lot of the milestones at the same time, which would’ve been so special to them.

I’m out of line for feeling this way, correct? I know it’s not appropriate to try to talk her out of her decision... she’s not my child, but I feel pretty strongly against having a child repeat a grade (especially kindergarten when they are developing so rapidly).

OP I think the bolder is why you’re seeing the responses you are. How you “feel” about a child repeating a grade (unless you’re a developmental or educational professional and even then...) is super irrelevant to what is best for your niece.. I hope it would even be super irrelevant if you were told what was best for your daughter one day would be to repeat a grade! The girls Are Five and don’t attend the same school, so this is exactly as big a deal as an adult in the story makes of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here and I'll say this more gently. When their age difference is counted in days, they count as being the same age. Younger/older doesn't really matter any more for them than it does for twins as it's a technicality rather than a difference great enough to offer any kind of developmental difference at their age. Two same age kids with different experiences and they are going to be fine - hugs.

There are so many choices parents have to make along the way and no way to know if any individual one was right/wrong. The OPs questioning BIL/SIL's decision because it makes her question herself on some level. There will be many decisions ahead OP - just trust yourself to make the right choices for your DC and let others do the same. My BIL/SIL/in laws questioned my decision to hold back DC and I grew to resent it. Worked it into conversation pretty much everytime we saw them. Now, due to COVID, spending senior year online and college app deferrals they've decided to have their DC do a gap year. Did we make the "right" choice way back when and they the "wrong" one? No! We all made the right decision for our DCs at the time.

OP here... I’ve had a bit of time to reflect. I do think my sister’s decision makes me question mine some and that’s playing into it. I feel like I can’t truly articulate here without being torn apart here... but I’m not questioning my daughter’s readiness for kindergarten and possibly readiness for (hopefully) public 1st grade next year. Makes me feel like I should just hold her to be the oldest because so many do ... but she was ready for kindergarten in August and is doing really well now. I feel like there’s so much judgement on sending an on time summer kid. So I thought we were in it together and now I’m the crazy one. Except she was ready for kindergarten then and for 1st grade in the fall.

Op, don’t second guess your own decision. I have a very good friend and we have two same age children - older kids are born within one month, and second children within 2 months. Our kids our good friends, which had been lovely. However, my friend decided to send their child on time to K this year, and we decided not to send our child early (born within days of the deadline, so the date isn’t meaningful in terms of development). It’s sad to me that our younger kids aren’t in the same grade, as it’s been wonderful having someone to talk through all the school stuff with, and I know it will eventually make it less likely that they will stay friends long-term.

I think it’s also natural to compare (not always in a negative way) kids when you see people make different decisions. As I mentioned, our older kids are also the same age/grade and mine is the one who is less academically advanced and also a bit immature. We are moving DC to private school, not because the school they were at isn’t a great school, but because we think DC would benefit from smaller classes. I see my friend wondering why we are making that decision, as we have talked through my concerns about my child with them many times. I also know our decision to move our child will impact their friendship, which I am sure my friend also realizes.

That being said, I am sure my friend is making the best choices for their children, and I am trying to do the same for mine. I do think repeating a grade is a big deal, but I imagine your sister knows that and has decided it’s best anyway. You should focus on making the best decisions for your daughter, which seems to be advancing her to first grade.

So, a post about a sister’s child with potential developmental delays begins with “look how great my kid is at her fancy school”.

What response are you looking for, OP?

Your sister isn’t weighing family togetherness as she makes this choice.

Anonymous wrote:

DP here and I'll say this more gently. When their age difference is counted in days, they count as being the same age. Younger/older doesn't really matter any more for them than it does for twins as it's a technicality rather than a difference great enough to offer any kind of developmental difference at their age. Two same age kids with different experiences and they are going to be fine - hugs.

There are so many choices parents have to make along the way and no way to know if any individual one was right/wrong. The OPs questioning BIL/SIL's decision because it makes her question herself on some level. There will be many decisions ahead OP - just trust yourself to make the right choices for your DC and let others do the same. My BIL/SIL/in laws questioned my decision to hold back DC and I grew to resent it. Worked it into conversation pretty much everytime we saw them. Now, due to COVID, spending senior year online and college app deferrals they've decided to have their DC do a gap year. Did we make the "right" choice way back when and they the "wrong" one? No! We all made the right decision for our DCs at the time.

OP here... I’ve had a bit of time to reflect. I do think my sister’s decision makes me question mine some and that’s playing into it. I feel like I can’t truly articulate here without being torn apart here... but I’m not questioning my daughter’s readiness for kindergarten and possibly readiness for (hopefully) public 1st grade next year. Makes me feel like I should just hold her to be the oldest because so many do ... but she was ready for kindergarten in August and is doing really well now. I feel like there’s so much judgement on sending an on time summer kid. So I thought we were in it together and now I’m the crazy one. Except she was ready for kindergarten then and for 1st grade in the fall.

DP here and I'll say this more gently. When their age difference is counted in days, they count as being the same age. Younger/older doesn't really matter any more for them than it does for twins as it's a technicality rather than a difference great enough to offer any kind of developmental difference at their age. Two same age kids with different experiences and they are going to be fine - hugs.

There are so many choices parents have to make along the way and no way to know if any individual one was right/wrong. The OPs questioning BIL/SIL's decision because it makes her question herself on some level. There will be many decisions ahead OP - just trust yourself to make the right choices for your DC and let others do the same. My BIL/SIL/in laws questioned my decision to hold back DC and I grew to resent it. Worked it into conversation pretty much everytime we saw them. Now, due to COVID, spending senior year online and college app deferrals they've decided to have their DC do a gap year. Did we make the "right" choice way back when and they the "wrong" one? No! We all made the right decision for our DCs at the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might actually make their relationship a lot stronger since they won't be in competition with each other or resent the other one getting attention for school related milestones.

Other milestones, things like losing teeth, learning to ride bikes, etc you can still have them do together since they are age related not grade related.

I grew up as a September birthday with an older cousin who has a July birthday. I think it made us closer because it felt like we were taking on the world together without being constantly compared. The year I was a senior and she was a freshman in college was the BEST year for our relationship and we are close to this day.

OP here ... thank you, this makes me happy to hear! Mostly a moot point, but something I neglected to add... My DD is actually the younger one... early June birthday vs a mid/late June birthday. Probably adding to my feelings on this, that she’s younger but will be a grade ahead.

You simply CANNOT be taken seriously.

I bet she is SO much more mature given that she has two weeks more life experience.

I said my DD was the younger of the two...

DP here and I'll say this more gently. When their age difference is counted in days, they count as being the same age. Younger/older doesn't really matter any more for them than it does for twins as it's a technicality rather than a difference great enough to offer any kind of developmental difference at their age. Two same age kids with different experiences and they are going to be fine - hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might actually make their relationship a lot stronger since they won't be in competition with each other or resent the other one getting attention for school related milestones.

Other milestones, things like losing teeth, learning to ride bikes, etc you can still have them do together since they are age related not grade related.

I grew up as a September birthday with an older cousin who has a July birthday. I think it made us closer because it felt like we were taking on the world together without being constantly compared. The year I was a senior and she was a freshman in college was the BEST year for our relationship and we are close to this day.

OP here ... thank you, this makes me happy to hear! Mostly a moot point, but something I neglected to add... My DD is actually the younger one... early June birthday vs a mid/late June birthday. Probably adding to my feelings on this, that she’s younger but will be a grade ahead.

You simply CANNOT be taken seriously.

I bet she is SO much more mature given that she has two weeks more life experience.

I said my DD was the younger of the two...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might actually make their relationship a lot stronger since they won't be in competition with each other or resent the other one getting attention for school related milestones.

Other milestones, things like losing teeth, learning to ride bikes, etc you can still have them do together since they are age related not grade related.

I grew up as a September birthday with an older cousin who has a July birthday. I think it made us closer because it felt like we were taking on the world together without being constantly compared. The year I was a senior and she was a freshman in college was the BEST year for our relationship and we are close to this day.

OP here ... thank you, this makes me happy to hear! Mostly a moot point, but something I neglected to add... My DD is actually the younger one... early June birthday vs a mid/late June birthday. Probably adding to my feelings on this, that she’s younger but will be a grade ahead.

You simply CANNOT be taken seriously.

I bet she is SO much more mature given that she has two weeks more life experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might actually make their relationship a lot stronger since they won't be in competition with each other or resent the other one getting attention for school related milestones.

Other milestones, things like losing teeth, learning to ride bikes, etc you can still have them do together since they are age related not grade related.

I grew up as a September birthday with an older cousin who has a July birthday. I think it made us closer because it felt like we were taking on the world together without being constantly compared. The year I was a senior and she was a freshman in college was the BEST year for our relationship and we are close to this day.

OP here ... thank you, this makes me happy to hear! Mostly a moot point, but something I neglected to add... My DD is actually the younger one... early June birthday vs a mid/late June birthday. Probably adding to my feelings on this, that she’s younger but will be a grade ahead.

OP I did a double take when I first saw your post because my sister and I have June birthday daughters who are less than 2 weeks apart in age! (Ours are 10 now though.) We have not had the same experience as you as far as the girls ending up in different grades, but they have been compared a lot for this and that over the years by various relatives and friends of the family and it generally ends up getting pretty split down the middle because each girl excels at her own things. The main thing I think we can do for them as parents is to remember that they will follow our lead, so if something bothers us it will probably bother them too and vice versa. We've just given them opportunities to grow their relationship without expectations, and their love for each other and sense of fun has really steered their time together despite their personal differences.

The only thing they won’t share is school graduation. They still have milestone birthdays, get drivers licenses, vote, etc. at the same time. The wistfulness you’re projecting is not helpful.

I think your sister sees there will be unspoken comparisons all through life and she’s backing out of the subtle rat race. Having just sent a young kid off to college vs. my other child who went as an older freshman, giving her kid a year of maturity can be a bonus down the line. Hard to say at this early age, but I’m all for letting a child mature in a less intense environment.