Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 11:07     Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:OP - With children, the only reason to divorce are: Adultry, Abuse or Addiction

You can build a happy-enough life for yourself -- inside your marriage --- whether he helps or not.

You need to rise above your challenges and grow.


This is just not true. It is just not.

I don't think the OP is in a divorce-worthy state personally but the above reasons are certainly NOT the only reason for divorce. There are many others...mental illness, lack of respect, no communication, no shared life, no affection, love or sex, no compromise, etc. There are many combinations of factors that make things divorce worthy that even can rise to the level or above the three A's. I personally don't think adultery is that bad compared to other factors or a combination of them. A bad marriage is worse for kids than a 50/50 divorce. Get over your old-fashioned views of the "horror of divorce" that no longer applies to many divorces.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 08:45     Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:OP - With children, the only reason to divorce are: Adultry, Abuse or Addiction

You can build a happy-enough life for yourself -- inside your marriage --- whether he helps or not.

You need to rise above your challenges and grow.


When one spouse has to carry the full load, that IS abuse.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 08:41     Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:OP - With children, the only reason to divorce are: Adultry, Abuse or Addiction

You can build a happy-enough life for yourself -- inside your marriage --- whether he helps or not.

You need to rise above your challenges and grow.


He yells and berates her if she doesn’t wake him up in time. That’s not an abusive behavior to you? It is to me.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 08:32     Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.


Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.


As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.

DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.

OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.


Or:

DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.


Hopefully this helps!


Omg you want OP to become his mother?? Yuck. Gross.

OP don’t do that. You deserve a spouse who acts like the adult he is. If he can’t get it together then make plans to separate. It will be tough but you will feel better once you get to the other side of it. BTDT
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 08:25     Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Kids. My tween and Teen son mow the lawn, take out the trash, empty the dishwasher and sort their laundry.

You all are creating a generation of future men that will be like their fathers.

Get you’re kids to do chores...and you start them young and they increase what they can do as they age.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 08:17     Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
I married a man child. We have been together for nearly 20 years and I have learned to live with it for the most part, but also was able to get him to improve. Essentially he came from a household where his mother did everything for her husband and kids so to him this was normal. Two things: do not enable and realize that his timeline for getting something done maybe different than yours. Like cutting the grass - it probably happens once a month instead of every 2 weeks. But he knows I won’t do it so he gets around to it eventually. Same with putting away laundry and rolling out the trash cans. I have basically designated certain chores as his and won’t touch them no matter what, and he knows it so will do it eventually. I try not to nag, it only makes things worse. If I do say something I try to do it in a humorous way and only one time. His mother always compliments how “helpful “ he is, and I just want to scream at her for not teaching him how to do anything for himself. It sucks, but I have made my bed so to speak.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2020 07:58     Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:on the topic of having to do everything: I am recently divorced from someone who didn’t pull his weight (one of many reasons for divorce). kids were at ex-DHs this weekend, and I noticed the dryer was not properly attached to the vent. in the old days I would have asked DH to do something... about 85 times over 6 weeks, while getting nervous we would cause a fire using the dryer, and eventually getting it fixed myself. Since I no longer have a DH, this weekend I pulled out the dryer, took a picture, decided it didnt look like rocket science (it just needed a little extension to the vent). Went to hardware store, asked for help, got the extension piece and tape, and fixed it myself - probably 1.5 hours total (I live close to a hardware store . and it was SO satisfying, and so much less stressful and annoying, because I just know I have to do everything and in fact it works better that way than trying to parse things out to exDH that I thought he might be willing to do, then nagging, etc. This wouldn’t work if he didn’t have regular (40%) time with the kids, but honestly it isnt so bad to do it all myself now that I have time.


This is what I tell people when they say "you'll be doing it all anyway".

It's not even remotely the same, and I love my peaceful life.

- Single mom


+1. A recently separated friend of mine referred to it as “addition through subtraction.” Every task is just easier not that she doesn’t have to navigate her husband.