Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the grandiose part? What is your sister grandiose about?

Exactly. I bet her sister would say "I have a whiny, insecure sister."

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP I posted before that my sister s the same way, but I am the one who actually has been there for our parents. You have to let go of caring what other people think. If they believe her narrative and get sucked into her drama that is on them. What is the worse that could happen? Are you afraid they will come at you and gang out or exclude you from the family? Are you afraid of anyone thinking bad thoughts about you? I was like that, but there is freedom in letting it go. People can form any opinion they want and if they only use biased date, then they have no idea how to evaluate information.

You can't be part of a game if you refuse to play. Do not engage. Just pretend she is a squawking bird that does not understand English. Remain calm and do your thing. She doesn't get to control you. You can yell at squawking bird or try to reason with it, but it won't do much. It's just a lot of noise.

Also, be prepared to have her try to screw you out of your part of the inheritance. As far as I am concerned all of my sister's horrible behavior is between her and God. It is not my place to retaliate or argue or set the record straight with others. I need to let go of all that, do what I think is right and hope I find out how her shit comes back in her face.

+1

Agree. Also OP, she has to live with whatever she steals or whatever she does, not you. She does not define you, terrible people don't define you - YOU define you. People aren't stupid, they know the truth - much more than you think!

"Poor, poor sister helps everyone and robs everyone...." c'mon. She is making a joke of herself.

OP I posted before that my sister s the same way, but I am the one who actually has been there for our parents. You have to let go of caring what other people think. If they believe her narrative and get sucked into her drama that is on them. What is the worse that could happen? Are you afraid they will come at you and gang out or exclude you from the family? Are you afraid of anyone thinking bad thoughts about you? I was like that, but there is freedom in letting it go. People can form any opinion they want and if they only use biased date, then they have no idea how to evaluate information.

You can't be part of a game if you refuse to play. Do not engage. Just pretend she is a squawking bird that does not understand English. Remain calm and do your thing. She doesn't get to control you. You can yell at squawking bird or try to reason with it, but it won't do much. It's just a lot of noise.

Also, be prepared to have her try to screw you out of your part of the inheritance. As far as I am concerned all of my sister's horrible behavior is between her and God. It is not my place to retaliate or argue or set the record straight with others. I need to let go of all that, do what I think is right and hope I find out how her shit comes back in her face.

Another thing, OP. If your sister keeps talking, and she will, she will dig her own grave. Don't worry too much about what people with big mouths do, it will happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't question that your sister is a bit of pill. And she is who she is and you are you. But you do seem intent on justifying why you are feeling so bothered and victimized. She said something cruel? Call her out.

But I do think some of your behavior (anxious to call out her lies--I hope that was one-on-one, not a group txt!) is influenced by the guilt you might feel about not being there. You mention your large extended family several times (usually as a way to diminish your middle sister's efforts, I would note) . My guess is you are secretly worried that your extended family may be forming an opinion of you as the absent, checked out daughter. And that is troubling to you. And your middle sister is in a position to say things that will influence your extended family's opinion of you. So you seem hyper sensitive and ready to call her out and correct her.

I think you need to talk to a therapist and get this sorted. Again, I don't question for a minute that your sister is a jerk to you a lot of the time. But I think your behavior is being cause by more than just a reaction to her.

Yes, this captures it. I do feel guilty about not seeing them. In normal times it would not be a year. What stung was my seeing my sister really amping up the judgment, and sort of enjoying playing up her increased role that hooked into my own sensitivity about it, yes. This is why it really hurts, and why the posters who said I need to get right with my own relationship with my parents were right. So I know this problem is in me and my own to work through. And yes the tendency of my sister to badmouth does heighten my fear she may do this with me, though I know my cousins know both of us, and know her well. I also know she has narcissistic features and is aggressive and and has these patterns with other people, and has to win. I'm competitive too, obviously and like to win too, I am just quiter about it and less aggressive with other people and more empathic from years of therapy. You hit it on the head though. It is my issue.

OP, your sister is a martyr and a narcissist. Better learn that now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of assets do your parents have? Sounds like she's going to steal everything and tell you to piss off when they croak.

They are the "millionaires next door." Years of saving and living under their means. About one million. My sister has power of attorney and is executor of their will. Hopefully, she will act honorably and i trust that a written will is a pretty hard thing to manipulate. And again, my parents always try to distribute things to us all equally. They are good that way. I suspect it is when they need more care and we all need to do more, where the stress will potentially increase. I will do more when they need more obviously. But we can't all do the same things.

She will not. Guaranteed.

Agree with other sane posters that your sister is manipulative, changes the narrative to make herself look good, and you need boundaries. You sister is conniving, and may be a compulsive liar. She has tremendous issues. Yes, every family has issues, but your sister is projecting hers onto you. She is jealous of you. You need to look out for yourself, OP.

When your parents are gone, not only will she usurp all that your parents ever worked so hard for, she will also change the narrative even more, because there are less "witnesses" who were there (when whatever story she is selling happened) to correct her. She is going to try to rewrite your family's history, and she will not be good at it, so that part, you don't have to worry as much about. But, if you want anything of your mom's or dad's (no matter how small and seemingly worthless - a book, a pari of eyeglasses, something your parents like or use often, a piece of "small" jewelry), better get it now.

Your sister is a snake in the grass, waiting to pounce. And she will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is narcissist or NPD.

This.

Also, there are some nutjobs on this thread attacking you and defending your sister unreasonably. Your sister is manipulative and likes to change facts to make her look better in some way when she is telling a story. You called her on it and that upset her. I t almost doesn't matter what the facts are, people like this do this like breathing. She also tries to make herself look as if she is doing more than she is. The person you should feel sorry for is her husband, manipulative women like her will make life miserable for their partners who try and keep the peace by doing what
Boundaries and perspective are what you need. If it gets you down consider a therapist to unpack the dysfunctional family dynamics.



Good luck.

Thank you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is narcissist or NPD.

OP, I read a lot of this thread and most of it is sh-t. You seem smart, so did you ever consider that some of your family members are toxic?

Yes I know

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is narcissist or NPD.

This.

Also, there are some nutjobs on this thread attacking you and defending your sister unreasonably. Your sister is manipulative and likes to change facts to make her look better in some way when she is telling a story. You called her on it and that upset her. I t almost doesn't matter what the facts are, people like this do this like breathing. She also tries to make herself look as if she is doing more than she is. The person you should feel sorry for is her husband, manipulative women like her will make life miserable for their partners who try and keep the peace by doing what they demand.

Boundaries and perspective are what you need. If it gets you down consider a therapist to unpack the dysfunctional family dynamics.

Good luck.

Thanks. He seems to really love her and he enjoys that role and says he loves my parents. He is kind with his own parents who live farther away and he seems happy with her. This is his third marriage, my sisters second and they have an empty nest, and a lot of freedom in their life (prepandemic).

Anonymous wrote:What sort of assets do your parents have? Sounds like she's going to steal everything and tell you to piss off when they croak.

They are the "millionaires next door." Years of saving and living under their means. About one million. My sister has power of attorney and is executor of their will. Hopefully, she will act honorably and i trust that a written will is a pretty hard thing to manipulate. And again, my parents always try to distribute things to us all equally. They are good that way. I suspect it is when they need more care and we all need to do more, where the stress will potentially increase. I will do more when they need more obviously. But we can't all do the same things.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't question that your sister is a bit of pill. And she is who she is and you are you. But you do seem intent on justifying why you are feeling so bothered and victimized. She said something cruel? Call her out.

But I do think some of your behavior (anxious to call out her lies--I hope that was one-on-one, not a group txt!) is influenced by the guilt you might feel about not being there. You mention your large extended family several times (usually as a way to diminish your middle sister's efforts, I would note) . My guess is you are secretly worried that your extended family may be forming an opinion of you as the absent, checked out daughter. And that is troubling to you. And your middle sister is in a position to say things that will influence your extended family's opinion of you. So you seem hyper sensitive and ready to call her out and correct her.

I think you need to talk to a therapist and get this sorted. Again, I don't question for a minute that your sister is a jerk to you a lot of the time. But I think your behavior is being cause by more than just a reaction to her.

Yes, this captures it. I do feel guilty about not seeing them. In normal times it would not be a year. What stung was my seeing my sister really amping up the judgment, and sort of enjoying playing up her increased role that hooked into my own sensitivity about it, yes. This is why it really hurts, and why the posters who said I need to get right with my own relationship with my parents were right. So I know this problem is in me and my own to work through. And yes the tendency of my sister to badmouth does heighten my fear she may do this with me, though I know my cousins know both of us, and know her well. I also know she has narcissistic features and is aggressive and and has these patterns with other people, and has to win. I'm competitive too, obviously and like to win too, I am just quiter about it and less aggressive with other people and more empathic from years of therapy. You hit it on the head though. It is my issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is narcissist or NPD.

This.

Also, there are some nutjobs on this thread attacking you and defending your sister unreasonably. Your sister is manipulative and likes to change facts to make her look better in some way when she is telling a story. You called her on it and that upset her. I t almost doesn't matter what the facts are, people like this do this like breathing. She also tries to make herself look as if she is doing more than she is. The person you should feel sorry for is her husband, manipulative women like her will make life miserable for their partners who try and keep the peace by doing what they demand.

Boundaries and perspective are what you need. If it gets you down consider a therapist to unpack the dysfunctional family dynamics.

Good luck.

+1000 good luck OP

Anonymous wrote:OP, your sister is narcissist or NPD.

This.

Also, there are some nutjobs on this thread attacking you and defending your sister unreasonably. Your sister is manipulative and likes to change facts to make her look better in some way when she is telling a story. You called her on it and that upset her. I t almost doesn't matter what the facts are, people like this do this like breathing. She also tries to make herself look as if she is doing more than she is. The person you should feel sorry for is her husband, manipulative women like her will make life miserable for their partners who try and keep the peace by doing what they demand.

Boundaries and perspective are what you need. If it gets you down consider a therapist to unpack the dysfunctional family dynamics.

Good luck.