Anonymous wrote:It's so disheartening to see women continuing to push traditional gender roles on other women. You may make a different choice but don't push your choices on others. OP and her DH have established how they will celebrate holidays. If her DH's mother has an issue with it, OP's DH should address it.

This. It’s not OP’s responsibility. It’s her DH’s.

It’s sad that the wife is blamed when it’s the husband’s choice.

Anonymous wrote:If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

+1.

Grandma seems focused on celebrating on that actual day i’m not celebrating the spirit of a holiday. Some people are like that and there is not much you can do about it. As much as I like my in-laws I can’t imagine celebrating a holiday with them and my husband not being present when the next option is just celebrating a couple of days later together. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Are there other family members like aunts, uncles or cousins at your ILs? If so, I think it would be nice to see them on the holiday. If not, and it will just be your family and the IL keep it as is. What is the difference if it is the week after? If DH is fine with it, you can be too.

OP - if you are celebrating with your family on the day of, does your DH ever see your parents?

Suggest to MIL that you could bring the kids for Holiday on the day and then you and DH will visit your family over the weekend. See what she says on that since she won't see her son at all. But she can have the choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I'm not the OP, but my parents never get to see their grandkids on the actual holiday for a variety of reasons. However, they are grateful, sincere, loving, and appreciative that they see the kids and celebrate regardless of the day. There isn't any jealousy or rude/snide words to children. FWIW, we are a loving, functional, and rational family.

Not helpful. You're talking about buying a car? Oh, well, my family takes mass transit and that's how we're different (and better).

It’s the exact same situation except my parents handle the situation properly and certainly don’t involve kids. If that makes our relationship better, I’ll gladly take it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I would feel pretty crappy my child didn’t want to spend holidays with me. It’s a pretty big stretch to blame his wife for that though.

He is working. He does want to spend holidays with his family because they go there the weekend after for a holiday celebration. Everyone can grasp he has to work except MIL.

A lot of these comments are based on gender. I doubt any of these posters would expect the man to take the kids to see his in-laws at any time however a DIL is expected to rush around on Christmas driving for a couple of hours to get a quick visit in to just then have another celebration on the weekend. This is how you make Christmas hell.

Honestly OP you have it right, enjoy the day with your family and relax, not having to worry about leaving early and driving and then enjoy the full day with your in-laws when your DH is free. Really it sounds much nicer than racing all over the place trying to fit everyone in. That sounds stressful and Christmas shouldn't be spent driving on the road.

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

Treated the way she is. Ha, her son has to work, its his career and for those whose family members do have to work over the holidays it is nothing to have the celebration the weekend before or after. This whole idea of getting hurt over the actual day is so immature. This MIL gets to see the whole family to celebrate. She could choose to enjoy that or she could moan about how unfair life is that her son has to work. I think she is being treated fine, she is the one choosing to be hurt over it. Unfair would be if they said they weren't celebrating at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so disheartening to see women continuing to push traditional gender roles on other women. You may make a different choice but don't push your choices on others. OP and her DH have established how they will celebrate holidays. If her DH's mother has an issue with it, OP's DH should address it.

Then it’s not about gender roles at all, if OP and husband jointly decided that OP’s parents get all actual holidays.

It is though.

Imagine if the roles were reversed. Suppose OP was the hospital doctor or nurse who always worked holidays. How many people would expect a man to take his kids to his wife’s parents house for Thanksgiving????

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I would feel pretty crappy my child didn’t want to spend holidays with me. It’s a pretty big stretch to blame his wife for that though.

Anonymous wrote:It's so disheartening to see women continuing to push traditional gender roles on other women. You may make a different choice but don't push your choices on others. OP and her DH have established how they will celebrate holidays. If her DH's mother has an issue with it, OP's DH should address it.

Then it’s not about gender roles at all, if OP and husband jointly decided that OP’s parents get all actual holidays.

I do not get the hate for OP at all.

My husband has never taken my kids to see my parents alone. I also never take the kids on trips to my inlaws alone. It’s weird to imagine that the MIL actually expected her DIL to take the kids to her house alone on Thanksgiving AND then come over again on Saturday or Sunday so MIL could see her son.

Op don't listen to the haters. Your DH is working and your in-laws should understand that. You are still seeing them and if your MIL has a problem with anything then yes she should be speaking to your DH about it, not muttering under her breath for you to hear.

I also wouldn't want to drive a couple of hours just to see them for an hour.

If the inlaws really want a holiday they could not travel before Christmas and have Thanksgiving with you one year.

This isn't on you to fix. You have a plan that works and making nice memories along the way. Enjoy the holidays and don't think twice about it.

It's so disheartening to see women continuing to push traditional gender roles on other women. You may make a different choice but don't push your choices on others. OP and her DH have established how they will celebrate holidays. If her DH's mother has an issue with it, OP's DH should address it.

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I would be grateful for any efforts my DIL made to ensure I saw the grandkids because I know it's my DS' responsibility, not hers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

I suggested OP invite her MIL to either her or her parents' house. One upside of my plan is, she could have the weekend to her dang self instead of schlepping all over the region.

So then she can complain she never sees her son on holidays. You think this type of woman wouldn’t turn around and say that?

Truly, I don't know what you mean by "this type of woman." The only thing she ever did to OP was mutter one comment under her breath.

+ 1

Any thread about MILs involves a lot of projection.