Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people honestly look at inheretences drastically differently than other resources coming in? Maybe it's because of the size of some of these inheretences? Is there a level at which you think it should be treated drastically differently than say a big bonus or something that one spouse gets?

I can't imagine that my spouse would consider any earned income to be their purview if you have mixed finances. I even come from the old school line of women with few options who all sort of secretly hid a little money from time to time , so I know about needing to stand on your feet. But I feel like what we are talking about here are couples where both are capable of standing on their own anyway

Yes, I do look at inheritances drastically differently from other resources. An inheritance is not “earned income” - it is money that one’s parents earned and saved over their lives, and then left to their child. It has emotional meaning that earned income will never have.

Not at all the same as earned income.

This. My spouse and I had an informal conversation when I received money following the death of a parent. In our relationship it was a formality to say, "this money belongs to you, of course." Emotionally that freed me to either keep it separate from household finances or include part or all of it.

There is an emotional piece, to be sure, and I can see many couples fighting if the non-inheriting spouse can't see thst.

+1. This is OP, and this is exactly it.

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand the logic of how an inheritance is different than any other income coming into the household if you already have a joint account in your marriage? Of course I wouldn't expect my in laws to gift me any inheritance obviously. But I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me I don't get any of it that's pretty shitty to do to the person you made vows to. If we are already sharing both of our incomes why is this any different? When we made our vows our vows included becoming one and forsaking all others.

The same would go for me too for my inheritance my parents are giving me. It wouldn't even be a question it would go towards the household. If my husband ever told me nope my inheritance is just for me to spend it however I like screw you we would be having some serious conversations about what being a team in a marriage looks like and I would be extremely hurt. Also with the logic of well an inheritance is a gift isn't a bonus from work a gift as well?

Our vows did not include "becoming one." We are a team, but we are each an individual.

There is a spectrum between "nope, it's just for me" and mixing an inheritance with the household income. My inheritance, for example, is invested in mutual funds in my sole name. It's for our children's future, unless we have some need for it before then. If we were suffering as a result of me not comingling it, I would consider spending it on our family, but otherwise I will not do that.

An inheritance is nothing like a bonus from work. I *work* for my bonuses and they go into the pot of household income (or to savings; we jointly determine how we will use or save them). On the other hand, I did not work for the money my mother left me. It was a gift from her, the result of her many years of hard work and savings. She made the choice to forgo certain luxuries in order to leave her children some money. It has a lot of emotional meaning for me in ways that work bonuses never will.

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand the logic of how an inheritance is different than any other income coming into the household if you already have a joint account in your marriage? Of course I wouldn't expect my in laws to gift me any inheritance obviously. But I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me I don't get any of it that's pretty shitty to do to the person you made vows to. If we are already sharing both of our incomes why is this any different? When we made our vows our vows included becoming one and forsaking all others.

The same would go for me too for my inheritance my parents are giving me. It wouldn't even be a question it would go towards the household. If my husband ever told me nope my inheritance is just for me to spend it however I like screw you we would be having some serious conversations about what being a team in a marriage looks like and I would be extremely hurt. Also with the logic of well an inheritance is a gift isn't a bonus from work a gift as well?

I think it depends on how much the "household" needs the money and what the options for it are. If it is going to be spent soon or if the family is having trouble saving for the future, it seems like it would be pretty selfish not to share.

For us, we'd likely just invest it (or most of it?), and see an argument for leaving it in the inheritors name. Or maybe we'd use some for some home renno. project, but any that was going to just be put aside, I would expect would be left separate. When making decisions as a couple about when to retire, then we'd considering it joint and probably have to do something to make it legal/t official if one of us was really ready to retire, and the inheritance made a significant difference the ability for us both to securely retire.

No, a bonus isn't a gift from your work! It is part of your compensation package and a retention tool. You earned that bonus!

We don't anticipate any inheritance from either of our families, or maybe something on the order of $10k from a grandparent at the most.... so this is just a philosophical question on our part.... I'd personally pool an inheritance on that order without a second thought.

I really don't understand the logic of how an inheritance is different than any other income coming into the household if you already have a joint account in your marriage? Of course I wouldn't expect my in laws to gift me any inheritance obviously. But I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me I don't get any of it that's pretty shitty to do to the person you made vows to. If we are already sharing both of our incomes why is this any different? When we made our vows our vows included becoming one and forsaking all others.

The same would go for me too for my inheritance my parents are giving me. It wouldn't even be a question it would go towards the household. If my husband ever told me nope my inheritance is just for me to spend it however I like screw you we would be having some serious conversations about what being a team in a marriage looks like and I would be extremely hurt. Also with the logic of well an inheritance is a gift isn't a bonus from work a gift as well?

My parents generally made it to their kids only, though my DW and my brother’s DW got separate gifts in their own name a few times. None were joint gifts. We were fine with that.

My parents are very generous with my husband and me at Christmas and that goes into our marital assets. But I know that they have set up trusts for my siblings and me that will ultimately go to all of their grandchildren (generation skipping trust for tax purposes) and that will not be part of our marital assets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be weird/concerning to me if my spouse inherited money and it didn’t go into a joint venture or account of some sort. After being married for a decade plus, if the will was written in a way that it was just for the child, I’d be offended. I’d also be mad at my spouse if they took it and put it into a solo account. We’re supposed to be partners and building a life together. To take a windfall as solely their own says a lot about where the relationship stands.

It’s very usual for a child who inherits money or property not to commingle it with marital assets.

Not true! Many inheritances come via trusts that are set up to insure that they are not part of marital property. But, they are likely larger inheritances.

You are right and your instincts are on point. What if you guys divorce? Not a good thing then, is it?

Anonymous wrote:my grandmother has been giving myself, my wife and my daughter the max allowed by the IRS every year for quite some time. and she set up a 529 for my daughter.

Her rationale, "I'd rather be able to see you enjoy it and not be taxed on it"

And its possible when she dies, she could will money to all three of us, plus my parents plus others. Or she could see fit to only will money to her children.

I guess all you folks must have shitty marriages to even consider hoping that an inheritance or gift is only "for you" and not to be shared with your spouse..

My good friend found out her husband of 20 years was cheating while at the same time her mother was dying. When her mother died, my friend's husband didn't even come to the funeral or offer her or their 3 sons any emotional support at all. They ended up divorcing. Guess who thought he was entitled to part of the inheritance? Fortunately, my friend's mother left the sizable inheritance only to her so there was no question that the cheating husband didn't get a cent of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people honestly look at inheretences drastically differently than other resources coming in? Maybe it's because of the size of some of these inheretences? Is there a level at which you think it should be treated drastically differently than say a big bonus or something that one spouse gets?

I can't imagine that my spouse would consider any earned income to be their purview if you have mixed finances. I even come from the old school line of women with few options who all sort of secretly hid a little money from time to time , so I know about needing to stand on your feet. But I feel like what we are talking about here are couples where both are capable of standing on their own anyway

Yes, I do look at inheritances drastically differently from other resources. An inheritance is not “earned income” - it is money that one’s parents earned and saved over their lives, and then left to their child. It has emotional meaning that earned income will never have.

Not at all the same as earned income.

This. My spouse and I had an informal conversation when I received money following the death of a parent. In our relationship it was a formality to say, "this money belongs to you, of course." Emotionally that freed me to either keep it separate from household finances or include part or all of it.

There is an emotional piece, to be sure, and I can see many couples fighting if the non-inheriting spouse can't see thst.