Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

My son fell asleep while out on a walk, and the babysitter I have coming today is not our regular nanny.

Our regular nanny is a different story. She's not helpful at all. She leaves laundry all over the couch and spends the entire 2 hours my son naps on her phone or laptop. She does not help with any small chores.

Where do you find these nannies? Go to a restaurant and get a waiter (or a server) to be your nanny. Most are used to not being on phone during the shit, do everything that needs to be done, are used to walking around if not running, and and are often working overtime long after last customer has paid.

Since you aren't able to find a better husband for the time being, start with finding a better nanny- ASAP. Come up with a clear plan of how a nanny can better help you and communicate what exactly you expect during interview so you both are on the same page.

Fire the nanny and get one that can do more household chores and both of you can do more things

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

OP, I just had a question for you.

Have you told your husband everything that you have just told us?
Does he have any inkling how overwhelmed you feel, that you resent his little trips?

Does he just assume that you are okay w/the status quo??

Even though common sense should dictate that his behavior is just wrong - unless you speak to him directly and address your feelings then he may just assume that none of this stuff even bothers you.

*his needs

I personally would be turned off if my Nanny verbally instructed me to not only empty out the dishwasher, but also to take out the trash as well!

However it is not okay for your husband to skip out on his duties around the house and expect that the Nanny will automatically just pick up the slack.
Job creep for sure.

Many things should be considered before you should consider hiring out a brand-new Nanny for your son.
Are you paying her a competitive wage?
Are household tasks part of your agreed upon contract??

Even though you may see her doing “nothing” during your son’s nap time, unless she can leave your home while your child is napping, then she is not just being lazy or goofing off.
A bad dream or a loud noise could always wake up your son & she needs to be there to attend to his needed when needed.

Anonymous wrote:By any chance does your husband hunt Bobcats?

Nope! Definitley not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't overfill your own plate. Usually it's better to get schooling out of the way before kids, or wait til the kids are older to go back to school.

I agree.
Before you focus on anything else, you need to get your house in order, OP.

Your nanny needs to step up. Your child needs to have a routine with predictable sleep/wake times, and your husband should be your teammate.

Frankly, I understand why he doesn’t want to be there. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him as his wife, but that you want to use him as a nanny/housekeeper so that you can study.

So when husbands take of their children while their wives are indisposed - the husband is relegated to the role of nanny/housekeeper?

Basically reinforces the notion that women are the default caregiver in heterosexual marriages.

What do you mean by be with him as his wife?

I mean share a meal, talk, laugh, watch TV, tell a funny story, take a walk together as a family, play a game, etc.

By any chance does your husband hunt Bobcats?

You have several problems - your dh needs a reality check - either thru marriage counseling or a long deep conversation .... he also needs to be able to put his child to bed - if you trust him and he’s a good guy - just leave for three nights - they’ll figure something out eventually - it may be walking him in a stroller at midnight around the neighborhood but so be it
Second we have a nanny - she does all laundry grocery shopping etc - and so do all of the nannies we know - you need a new nanny

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Even if I wanted to divorce him or leave, I can't for legal reasons. It's not that simple.

I'm not from the U.S. I have a temporary green card. I would have otherwise had a permanent green card by this December, the Trump administration has unfortunately pushed out the permanent green card processing time to 18+ months rather than the standard 2 or 3.

So i'm completely stuck. I'd rather not deal with child custody across borders during a pandemic, so dealing with my husbands inadequacies for the next 18 months is sadly, my only option.

There isn't any reasonable solution anyone can offer.

Was your child born in the U.S.? Although your green card is temporary, you working and having a U.S. child citizen here, I'm pretty sure the govt won't give you too much trouble staying here and getting your permanent green card. It's worth consulting with an immigration attorney about this. But yeah, you need to talk to your husband as well. I think I'd straight up tell him no you're not going...I"M going.

I left because of this. (I'm a nurse too). This was a big reason why, but not the only reason. My ex was a jerk, and yours is being one too...not sure if he's always been like this.

Life is much easier taking care of a toddler alone, than taking care of a toddler AND an adult. It is freeing, and I don't come home angry.

Book yourself a hotel room for next weekend. Tell your husband after it's done. He has Mon - Fri to figure out how he will manage. Do this once/month if necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.

I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.

Damn straight!

And all the women claiming that you’re the loser for marrying a loser are just as much tools of the patriarchy as the legions of crappy husbands. Bye Serena!

So anyway, of course all husbands are *capable* of being selfish assholes. So am I! I am *capable* of it. Do I act like that 99% of the time? No way. Am I literally capable? Yeah.

I'm woman enough to admit that sometimes I lean on my husband even when I don't particularly need the help. There are whole days when he does more than I do, and not even for some noble reason like I'm sick or have a busy work days. But overall, we have balance.

I am so very sorry you married a dud. But it's just not true that most husbands/fathers are like that. If you're a low-value woman who had to settle for a loser, I am sorry about that. But that's just not everyone's reality.

(this is addressed to PP, not OP)

Talk about victim blaming..."low value woman????????????"

WTF. So, you think everyone gets the husband they deserve??
And life is always fair.

You really need some humility honey. And you better watch our for Karma, because you are now wearing a target when it comes to your husband say...cheating on you. Which of course, would not be his fault, it would simply mean he got stuck with a "low value" woman. For God's sake...what is wrong with you.

Low-value meaning you don't value/prioritize yourself. That is what I meant, but I can see how there was another meaning that could be read, so I am clarifying.