Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Ok for all the women defending this bad behavior from men. What would you say to the attorney OP was referencing? She’s the only one working, with 2 kids at home, no help and an unemployed husband. If he refused to take the two kids to the grocery store because he “can’t” juggle them and the task of selecting groceries, what would you say?

Ok honey?

If you read that thread, her husband has a chronic health condition for which he requires regular medical appointments; to my reading, he also sounds depressed. Many of us commenting on that thread are being practical: she needs to hire help, first, so she can not feel like she's drowning, and then, second, work on getting her husband the help he needs. It's not (just) that he's lazy, there's more to it.

There may well be bigger issues that poster needs to address with her husband, but that can't be done while they're both utterly drained. Working on relationships takes energy, which few people have in abundance right now, especially when they're overfunctioning (the wife) or sick and depressed (the husband).

Sure but he should still be able to take his 2 kids to the grocery store. What would he do if they divorced and split custody and he no longer had her to lean on so heavily? Oh right, he’d figure it out like the adult that he is.

+1

If he can’t do this, he shouldn’t have had 2 kids. Really his problem is just that he’s inexperienced and therefore uncomfortable with it, not that he literally can’t do it. He just needs practice, which he is too lazy to do.

Mothers never get to use inexperience as an excuse. It’s bullshit.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I have often wondered this myself. I would also call my husband out on that type of behavior. Shrug.

Anonymous wrote:Can we have another conversation about how husbands can and should “train” their wives to provide BJs and sammiches without even having to be told when and how to do so?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can’t control or change my husband.

I do what the OP suggests and it works but the feedback never gets embedded into his brain so we have to have the same conversation over and over again for years. It wears me down. It’s like every single day is a brand new day. I can never assume a foundational base of fundamental knowledge or that he will have learned.

Examples:

-I have to tell DH to pick up dirty diapers off the floor and put them in the garbage. Every single time.
-I have to tell DH, every single night, to please put his dishes in the dishwasher and then start it. If I don’t specifically mention that he needs to finish loading the dishes in, and THEN start it, he will just go start it half full and leave a bunch of dirty dishes on the counter for the morning.
-I have to tell DH to get the kids ready for the day (we trade of days for getting them ready). He has to be told, every time, what that means. I can’t just say “get the kids ready please”. It has to be “can you change them out of their jammies?” And then “can you put shoes on them?” And so on and so forth.

I’m exhausted and bitter.

I would say to him, “it concerns me that you need me to remind you to pick the dirty diapers off the floor every single day. Do you need this type of hand holding at work? No? Then why can’t you remember basic things at home?”

I wouldn’t be nasty but calm and genuine. Personally I suspect he is gas lighting you about not being able to remember but if he isn’t, that would suggest some pretty serious cognitive impairment. I mean that truthfully. I might actually say that to him so the embarrassment gets him off his ass.

Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.

Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess what, other peoples relationships have different dynamics than yours

Duh

I think the OP’s point is that you have 2 choices if you find yourself married to one of these useless types. 1. Get him to change or 2. Accept that he won’t. But then don’t complain about having to do everything yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like my mama always said "marry them young and train them hard"

So... why is it that it is up to women to "train" the husbands? Who trained us? Why is it that we can see what needs to be done and do it without being given a chore list? My husband will gladly "help out" if I give him a very specific list of what needs to be done... but the fact that I have to tell him what to do and that he still sees it as "assisting" in my domain makes me extremely angry. Did women in the 1960s and 1970s, when many more were entering the workforce have to be "trained" in how to behave and perform in business? No - women entered the workforce, killing it in every way possible, while still keeping the lion's share of home responsibilities. We are doing something very wrong in our society if many men STILL need to be told what to do or are still unable to complete basic home tasks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Ok for all the women defending this bad behavior from men. What would you say to the attorney OP was referencing? She’s the only one working, with 2 kids at home, no help and an unemployed husband. If he refused to take the two kids to the grocery store because he “can’t” juggle them and the task of selecting groceries, what would you say?

Ok honey?

If you read that thread, her husband has a chronic health condition for which he requires regular medical appointments; to my reading, he also sounds depressed. Many of us commenting on that thread are being practical: she needs to hire help, first, so she can not feel like she's drowning, and then, second, work on getting her husband the help he needs. It's not (just) that he's lazy, there's more to it.

There may well be bigger issues that poster needs to address with her husband, but that can't be done while they're both utterly drained. Working on relationships takes energy, which few people have in abundance right now, especially when they're overfunctioning (the wife) or sick and depressed (the husband).

Sure but he should still be able to take his 2 kids to the grocery store. What would he do if they divorced and split custody and he no longer had her to lean on so heavily? Oh right, he’d figure it out like the adult that he is.

Anonymous wrote:I think if you're going to be a mom with a stay-at-home spouse, you really have to adopt the same mentality as men in that situation. I stay at home. My husband DOES NOT CARE what we get from the grocery store. It's not that I do it right and therefore he doesn't have to worry. I could do it totally "wrong" and he really wouldn't notice. He does not notice if things are clean or dirty. I don't have to clean the bathroom to his "standards" because he doesn't have any.

So, if you're the wife and you're going to go to work and have your spouse stay at home, I think you have to do the same thing the men do - not care!

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t offer constructive criticism to your husband in a kind way without him getting upset and/or ignoring you and/or thereafter refusing to do whatever task it was that you corrected him on, you are not in a good relationship.

No, I shouldn’t need to train my husband. Yes, he should already know how to do household chores and childcare but...sometimes he doesn’t and I would much rather teach or “train” him than just accept that I will do all these things myself or continually accept his half-*ssed job.

Household chores are not hard. If an adult who has no health issues or disabilities acts like they cannot figure out how to do laundry, dishes, dust, vacuum, grocery shop, clean a bathroom, they’re not putting in much effort, don’t respect or appreciate their spouse, and are ultimately selfish jerks. How are so many of you married to selfish jerks? My husband isn’t like that and my brothers aren’t and my dad isn’t. Most of my friends husbands aren’t like that either, from what I can tell. How are so many men such selfish, incompetent, misogynistic jerks?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Ok for all the women defending this bad behavior from men. What would you say to the attorney OP was referencing? She’s the only one working, with 2 kids at home, no help and an unemployed husband. If he refused to take the two kids to the grocery store because he “can’t” juggle them and the task of selecting groceries, what would you say?

Ok honey?

If you read that thread, her husband has a chronic health condition for which he requires regular medical appointments; to my reading, he also sounds depressed. Many of us commenting on that thread are being practical: she needs to hire help, first, so she can not feel like she's drowning, and then, second, work on getting her husband the help he needs. It's not (just) that he's lazy, there's more to it.

There may well be bigger issues that poster needs to address with her husband, but that can't be done while they're both utterly drained. Working on relationships takes energy, which few people have in abundance right now, especially when they're overfunctioning (the wife) or sick and depressed (the husband).