Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

NP: Do you understand how many hours it takes to bill clients for 2100 hours of work?

Yes. Do you understand that at many firms associates are regularly expected to bill significantly in excess of 2,100 hours? 2,100 hours would be considered normal, if not a little light. If you were at a work event complaining about how you were working all the time and you said you were on pace for 2,100, people would look at you funny. Not all firms are this way, but plenty are.

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Yes, I understand. I've hit my breaking point as well and am sending my kids to physical school in 2 weeks. This is insane.

PP who advocated for a telework-momcation.
I understand the other PPs' opinion that housework and extra childcare should be outsourced because they think you need to give up on DH stepping up.
However, chores and childcare should still fall under HIS area of responsibility, so if anyone needs to do the research and then the day-to-day management of the cleaners and caretakers, it MUST BE HIM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.

OP, I really feel for you and agree with many others that something has got to change. Weaning is the first and most obvious, but I think what you say here is pretty telling. Your DH doesn't think you "need" a house cleaner and dimes to dollars he's taking COVID as a convenient excuse. Sure, part of him may actually believe it's risky, but as others have mentioned that risk is minimal - and if he were really that concerned there's no way he'd be accepting your kid going to daycare every other week. Gee, what's the difference... oh, right. One would ease your workload, while the other eases HIS.

Get a house cleaner. Nothing says your DH gets sole veto power over this and you desperately need it. Just do it and he can suck it up, since he's not bothering to handle it otherwise on his own. Sometimes one person in the household has to make a unilateral decision for everyone's good. Just pretend you are your DH, ha. And while you are at it, bring in at least part-time help for the kids if you can, a nanny or even a mother's helper of some kind. Anything to ease the stress on you. You're suffering to no good end here and it doesn't have to be that way. Sending you lots of good wishes (and your DH too, seriously. I hope his injury gets better and he finds work soon).

OP: My Dh has always sucked at chores and never pulled his weight, so I decided to have a second child with him and was totally ok that he quit his job without lining something else up first

Everyone on DCUM: OMG! I feel SO sorry for you! Life is just not fair for big law moms!

-Grocery delivery
-Nanny/mothers helper
-Consider changing preschools to one open full-time, since many are right now

My DH also has a chronic health condition and it's exhausting. He doesn't have appointments as often as your DH does, OP, but between the ones he does have, his ongoing anxiety about it, etc., it's been so, so hard. I can't imagine him managing full-time childcare well on top of that, let alone while he also needs to look for a new job. The bottom line is that you need help. This isn't sustainable as-is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

NP: Do you understand how many hours it takes to bill clients for 2100 hours of work?

1. Grocery delivery
2. Housekeeper

That would solve several of your concerns right off the bat.

What kind of medical appointments is DH having so frequently? Seems off.

What kind of care is your 3.5 year old going to every other week? Can they go every week?

I agree that DH needs to step up, but also I know that might not happen. You need to troubleshoot in other ways OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your preschooler only in preschool every other week? Change to every week. You aren’t being “safer” by doing every other week.

They're doing school in "cohorts" so they're only open for him every other week. We can't increase that.

Then all the more reason for a mothers’ helper to help DH with the baby and the toddler (or switch preschools). I haven’t heard of any preschools that are doing one week on/off. That totally negates one of the primary purposes of preschool — childcare. I’m a lawyer too and I have three kids (4 months to 7). I just went back to work and all three are out of the house. Unfortunately, The grace employers and clients had in April is gone. I’m expected to work like the old days and so I need my kids in school/daycare like the old days. I guess I’ve just swallowed the Covid risk in exchange for enough sleep, a better marriage, feeling less overwhelmed. I’d be lying if I said I don’t get nervous sometimes.

First of all, I think people who don't have a husband with a chronic condition or lots of appointments do not understand how disruptive it is. In addition to other conditions that require a lot of appointments, my husband has had physical therapy a few times, and at 3 hours/week plus travel that's up to 6+ hours gone during prime work time even if there are no other doctor appointments. (I know OP's husband might not be in PT, but this is an example.) They are never conveniently scheduled, and you have to take what you can get when you can get it.

My best advice is to look at the issues without judgment. Why is he overwhelmed at meals, and what (other than you) would help him not be? Is it making food at the same time as watching the kids? They get videos and/or baby strapped in the high chair at that time. Older one can eat Lunchables so there's less to prep. Is it helping them both cut up stuff? Cut up in advance. Is he trying to eat at the same time and that's too much? He can prep his stuff at night or eat during nap. Have the two kids eat separately. When you look at the issues *and solutions* without judgment (i.e., I know Lunchables aren't the healthiest but so what when we're drowning), then you can begin to solve things. Same for dinner. You are taking all this time off for him to make dinner. He could be making super simple dinners maybe during when you are already nursing even if this means changing dinner time, buying pre-cut veggies, etc.

I am a SAHM with a husband in big law and 3 kids. I can relate to your DH’s caregiver fatigue, especially since he didn’t intend to be a SAHD. I planned to stay home, but certainly not for months and months on end without kids in schools or occasional babysitters, and without all the fun indoor kids places that would give me a bit of a break. So I get it! But he needs to suck it up. Here are my suggestions for when you are in crisis mode, and it certainly sounds like you are there:

1 - no more errands, order everything online. I feel guilty about not supporting small business and do my best to do that as much as possible, but I have zero time/energy for errands. Amazon EVERYTHING, instacart/amazon fresh/whatever other grocery delivery service. NO MORE TRIPS TO THE GROCERY STORE WHILE YOU ARE WORKING!! It is insane to me that he was doing that. When I grocery shops, I go at 9pm after kids are in bed. It blows me mind that this isn’t happening already. Bonus - the kids love to color and play in all the boxes! Stick that baby in an amazon box and play peek a boo, the older one can color them and turn them into cars or whatever.

2- HOUSECLEANER. Even Fauci has his cleaner come! You can have the cleaner skip your office (or whenever you are working) and you just clean that yourself. Schedule the cleaners to come on the weeks your big kid is in preschool, and then DH takes the baby out of the house during that time. They can go for a walk or even just play in the car if you don’t have outdoor space. Keep all the windows open, make sure the cleaners wear masks, buy an air purifier, have them only clean the areas that bother you the most to cut down on their time in your house or whatever makes your DH most comfortable. But he doesn’t get to veto the cleaners and then not pick up the slack. We had to cancel our cleaner because our house is tiny and I have three kids home full time (2 doing virtual elementary school) and there’s really no way for us to get out of their way. So our house is filthy but we are just leaving with it and we both clean when we can.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/home/hiring-professional-cleaners-covid-19-rules-to-keep-everyone-as-safe-as-possible/2020/08/18/27747ac2-d808-11ea-aff6-220dd3a14741_story.html

3- EASY MEALS - now is not the time to flex culinary chops. It is a pain for me to make dinner every night while DH finishes work and the kids are driving me insane after I have been alone with them for house. So I do a ton of frozen meals. Pretty much all of Stauffer’s frozen family meals are edible, we like the lasagna, meatloaf, chicken and rice bake. Also chicken pot pie, frozen meatballs, fish sticks, plus all the frozen veggies. I am seriously thinking of buying an extra freezer. Also, takeout. And what is he making for lunch that requires your participation?? The kid is 3. PBJ, quesadillas, frozen nuggets, Mac and cheese. I eat a lot of lean cuisines or just make extra of what the kids eat.

Honestly it sounds like your DH needs a break from the kids at these times more than he needs help making dinner. So maybe give him a 10 minute break to just relax while you pop in the frozen dinner and play with the kids for a few minutes instead of him cooking for half and hour.

4 - mental health screening for DH. Does it seem like he could be depressed? ADHD? If he is caring for non-walking 9 month old and a 3 year old only ever other week...he should be able to help with getting things off your plate. Are you pressuring him to be ‘on’ with the kids all the time? It’s okay for kids to watch some Tv while he scrolls Facebook and zones out for a few minutes and then does the dishes or whatever.

Can you take FMLA? Even one day a week? Can they still dock you for not making hours through this protection?

without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet

Huh? I don't understand this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can you elaborate EXACTLY what is wrong with what you DH is doing? You go into your office and keep working for your 10 hr stints.

What happens? Do the kids go hungry? Is the house on fire? Are kids sticking forks in light sockets?

Yes when you are done working you will likely have to help out your DH, just like working DH come home and pitch in with a SAHM.

But let’s look at the deficits while DH is in charge concretely and try to shape those.

I didn't say anything is WRONG or that I am not helping. I said I am overwhelmed.

I wake up at 6:30 so I can get a shower before the kids wake up. DH wants help from me at mealtimes so I AM helping and I do not "shut myself in my office" for 10 hour stints. I help with the kids from when they wake up until 8:30, then go to my office. I take breaks for nusing/pumping depending on how my calls are going that day. Usually in the morning is when the baby takes his "good" nap so DH will try to run necessary errands or go to his doctor's appointments then if possible. But the baby doesn't always take a good nap, or go down easy, or he wakes up early. I take a break for lunch instead of working through it because DH says that is a time he is overwhelmed with kid things and needs help. I stop work at 5:30 so DH can make dinner while I watch the kids. We eat. We put the kids to bed from 7-8 or 8:30. I log back on. I work until whenever I collapse out of exhaustion. I do it again the next day. For months and months and months. On the weekends, he wants a break from watching the kids all the time, so I try to give him that. I sneak in work during their naps and before they wake up and after they go to bed. I'm constantly falling behind at work despite feeling like all I do is work. I'm exhausted.

I'm PP of the Tylenol. Fellow working mom in the trenches.

OK, let's think through this. Do you need to bill this many hours? I'm not a lawyer, I'm a researcher. But are you pushing yourself hard partly because you're paying the girl tax (you know, everything we do has to be 2.5x better and more than what a guy would do)? I would try and honestly do the minimum at work. I know that's crappy and won't make you "feel better" about yourself. But girlfriend, you seem like someone who takes on too much responsibility.

Mealtime: One of the few safe kinds of help you could get is a personal chef to shop and prepare meals. Please look into outsourcing that. As long as you heat at a certain temp for a certain amount of time, it's killing all germs. You should get some real breaks throughout the day, and since you're the breadwinner you should be arranging your work schedule to suit you so that you can rest at night.

Husband: I get that he is in chronic pain and probably a bit depressed and overwhelmed. Having trouble functioning. Having trouble getting himself the care he needs. This probably isn't going away, so you need to get other help.

Nanny: call an agency, see if you can get someone to do live in who is really serious about social distancing. Even if it only lasts a few months, think what an incredible chance that would be for you to catch a breath. You need a couple months of support here if you're going to pull through to next spring. It's just not doable to go go go without any break.

In short, throw any money you can toward this problem, because it's very temporary. We are close to a vaccine and other therapeutics. Take care of your mental and physical health -- with no family close by, if one of you gets sick that could be disastrous for the kids. I know that's not what you want to hear because it's even more stressful. But the reality is that you pouring your last gallon and more into work at this time is not sustainable and leaves little safety net in terms of care for your babies. You can do this. Step back on work, take sick days if necessary, line up some serious stay at home health and the personal chef... it's going to take time to build back your reserves.

9-10 months is the slough of despondency even during regular times... I'm sorry. Tylenol for the biting. Soothing their pain is important to get them to fall to sleep.

In your position, I would look for live-in help from someone who takes socially distancing as seriously as you. Or step back from work. This doesn't sound so sustainable, and you honestly sound like you're a few months from a deep depression that could lose you a year. Is it worth it?

Anonymous wrote:

You'll note that no one has suggested she try to work less. Everyone pretty much understands if that were an option she'd have taken it already.

Yeah this is the problem, my group is slammed so everyone is already working more than me. I am the weak link. This is the least I can do.