OP, you know this is a *you* issue, right? I say this with 100% empathy as something with the same shortcomings as you. Don’t put it on your kids! Let go of this neighbor and work on building your daughters self esteem. My neighbor does not like me and it drives me nuts. She’ll respond to texts and pleasantries but i can tell she doesn’t like me at all. She is much more open and warm to my husband. And my husband notices this as well. The kids also don’t play together at all. But you know what? My kids have found other friends and don’t know the difference. I’ve come to realize that after 5 years nothing I can do will make this neighbor like me. And that’s ok!!!

OP here! Thanks for replies. Kids are 11, and no I am not a closeted lesbian. I have had issues around envy my whole life. I grew up in a military family where I was basically the new kid every year and tried to mold myself into whatever was cool at whichever school, and it seemed the rules were always changing. There was always one queen girl who I tried to emulate. It is a long-held habit that I'm trying to kick. I have done well, was fine in college and in grad school, but every now and then it gets triggered and I am triggering big time now. I want to "move" the same way I moved my whole life. I know it's not the answer but it's what my gut says to do - to run - to find somewhere else to fit in.

Anyway, enough about my psychology. We had them over for drinks for an hour at 5...and now I feel even weirder. She mentioned that a group of the moms were having a bonfire tonight at 8 at one person's yard and I should "totally swing by." Should I? The bonfire host didn't invite me but the mom left it as "please come!" Is that weird? DH said just go. I feel like I should maybe make an appearance but also would it seem out of bounds/desperate. I feel like I'm 12 like my kid.

DD and her kid hung out and it was fine, but their siblings (boys) were there and they were mainly just running around with no other kids competing for attention.

Eh, maybe the girls are 3 years old and this doesn't apply (but it sounds like they are ES or MS aged). In any event, maybe it's a useful insight or book recommendation for someone else navigating tween drama, so no worries.

Anonymous wrote:On the issue of your daughter and her on/off again friendship with the neighbor... you might find the book Untangled by Lisa Damour helpful. In one chapter she talks about there being two types of popularity in ES and MS aged girls: the first is sociometric popularity, which describes girls who are assertive but well-liked and kind. The second type is perceived popularity, which describes girls who have social power through meanness or intimidation. She says when girls in this age group discuss others who are "popular," it is usually those in the latter category. If this girl is getting power through meanness or intimidation (which seems to be the case), it is very unlikely to last. Damour says that this usually peaks around 7th grade and by 10th grade, most girls feel secure enough to isolate those whose popularity is due to being manipulative or nasty.

You're nuts. You don't even know whether these girls are 2nd graders or 9th graders. You have no idea whether the girl next door is nice and likes the daughter but the daughter is just not talkative, or whether she's being mean. You're reading all kinds of nonsense into a situation about which you know nothing.

OP is probably projecting her own issues onto the situation. The neighbors seem friendly enough, it seems unlikely that the girl next door is being mean--just that OP is a little unhinged.

Parenting issue OP. I agree that your daughter should be tutored on how to decline the invites from the dd next door.

Get these people out of your head OP. They are not your people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe you’re not religious, but when I’m envious of someone, I pray for them. Pray that they are blessed with peace, success, happiness. I think then it helps to start to Delight in their successes instead of feeling bitter.

And this is why people know that religious people are hypocritical and evil. This is such a nasty thing to do and it speaks volumes of your sarcasm and ill will towards others.

What? You have a sincerity detection deficit.

On the issue of your daughter and her on/off again friendship with the neighbor... you might find the book Untangled by Lisa Damour helpful. In one chapter she talks about there being two types of popularity in ES and MS aged girls: the first is sociometric popularity, which describes girls who are assertive but well-liked and kind. The second type is perceived popularity, which describes girls who have social power through meanness or intimidation. She says when girls in this age group discuss others who are "popular," it is usually those in the latter category. If this girl is getting power through meanness or intimidation (which seems to be the case), it is very unlikely to last. Damour says that this usually peaks around 7th grade and by 10th grade, most girls feel secure enough to isolate those whose popularity is due to being manipulative or nasty.

No one should be socializing in other people’s houses.


Put emotion aside and look at financials. Can you do better than this house? Is there an even nicer house in your preferred locations? Do you want to move during a pandemic?

OP, similar to what other people are saying -- this is a problem you have to learn to fix. I truly believe that life will keep giving you the same lesson in different forms until you get it, so moving isn't going to actually make it better. It will probably just cost you a boatload of money in lost equity and realtor's fees.

It's good that you recognize your issues and are working on them. Surely your therapist doesn't condone moving? To distill it down, there is always going to be SOMEONE in your orbit who is "better" than you - smarter, prettier, richer, cooler, whatever. (That would be the universal you, not you personally.) You have to EMBRACE that and figure out what makes you happy in your own lane. Maybe read "The subtle art of not giving a F": https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01IONKA7W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

And same for your daughter. I have a more introverted kiddo who struggles in situations like these, but I do what I can to empower her. Teaching her to stand up for herself will be an invaluable gift (and it's also a total process.)

Good luck, you can do this!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - therapist suggests I befriend them to "humanize" them instead of idolizing from a distance, but it hasn't worked. They have their own friends in our town and have accepted our invites, and then gone off somewhere afterward. It felt stilted and unnatural.

Then let go of them and grieve over the fact you can't make them your friends. But if you don't grieve, you can't move forward.

Anonymous wrote:Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.

You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work.

The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you.

Sorry, OP, but I agree with this pp. Did it ever occur to you that your daughter is learning her behavior from you? The best thing would be for you to continue working on yourself and let your daughter see you are working on yourself. But you can't make her change if you're not willing to change. Good luck, I know it's hard to watch your kid go through this. Hope things get better.

Anonymous wrote:Your kid has to make her own way. What are you going to do , move her college every time there's a kid with a better set of teeth and grades than her who she likes?

Seriously lady. do nothing. Let it eat you up. Go on- be consumed by jealousy for a whole day and see what time you've wasted. You only get one life. Spend it more wisely.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.

You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work.

The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you.

Agreed. This is a parenting issue, not a real estate issue. You can teach your daughter that she doesn't have to accept mean behavior.

I was going to say this. You have a perfect opportunity to help your daughter learn to manage these situations. I would say she could respond "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. Why do you do that?" and see if she can get to the root of the issue. My quiet DD would often report that others left her out. When I could watch though, it was evident that they were not deliberately leaving her out as much as she didn't know how to insert herself into an activity. Kids - particularly younger ones - are not as attuned to looking out for strays. They get busy playing and don't notice someone not participating. My DD needed to practice speaking up for herself. Now if these kids are deliberately mean, that's a different matter.

Have you seen the movie "A Simple Favor"?

You're daughter needs to stick up for herself. Your daughter should decline the next invitation to that house.