Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I guess I've never met people who chose to be SAH parents simply because they wanted to and then complained about not having enough money. I only know SAHMs who are happy with their choice, or those that felt like they didn't have a choice, and are justifiably frustrated.

When my first was born, I wound up switching jobs because my old job would make no accommodation for either pumping breastmilk at work or allowing me some flexibility in start/stop time in order to accommodate my daycare's hours. I STILL resent that, and it's been years. Yes, I could have tried to fight it through HR, but I'd just returned to work, had an infant at home, was still dealing with postpartum depression, and honestly just didn't have it in me. It was easier to just get a different (lower paying) job.

This country treats mothers of all stripes terribly. I honestly don't blame anyone for complaining about it, whether they are SAH, WOH, or otherwise. We're all doing unpaid labor and being told that we should be grateful for it everyday.

I have definitely met people who chose to be SAHMs, were happy about it, but were also a little holier-than-thou about how frugal and good at money management they were to make it work on one salary. (My own mom!) I think that's admirable when the one income is under six figures, but when someone says they manage to "only" live on more than my husband's and my combined income, I roll my eyes a little. Having never made $150k, I don't think running a household on it without day care costs is a huge challenge.

That said, I agree that this country treats moms like trash, I'm sorry you had those experiences, and I'm so, so with you on your last paragraph.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our HHI is 167k on one salary (I SAH) and to me, we have an amazing life. I can't understand people complaining and claiming "poor" (not really poor, but complaining of money woes on 250K + or even 400K as I saw the other day).

We live in a good house in a nice suburb - very middle class: no one here is going on international vacations every year or even every other year. The kids are all in ps, cars are normal japanese/some other asian brand and the like. Yard service and cleaning service is common, as in one or 2 weeks at the beach per year.


I guess that the more people have, the more they spend so it kind of always feels like you "are middle class" as you can't have the next big thing.

I guess I'm one of those people you can't understand. Honestly I can't really understand it either, but my HHI is $180K, we're DINKS and I still feel like we're a paycheck or two away from disaster. I couldn't even imagine being able to afford a kid.

We've got a modest house (bought for $440K) in a marginal area. (EOTR) I come close to maxing out my TSP but I'm not fully maxing, so I feel like I'm not even on track there. After taxes and paying the mortgage, bills, FERS, union dues, TSP, insurance, and modest cash savings of $200 a pay period, I net about $740 a paycheck. It's certainly enough to live on and even splurge on a night out but anything that's left over at the end of the pay period inevitably gets wiped out by a vet bill, or car repair, or medical bill, or something before it can accumulate to a comfortable level. I see posts like yours and I literally don't know how you do it with less money and kids.

Anonymous wrote:
I guess I've never met people who chose to be SAH parents simply because they wanted to and then complained about not having enough money. I only know SAHMs who are happy with their choice, or those that felt like they didn't have a choice, and are justifiably frustrated.

When my first was born, I wound up switching jobs because my old job would make no accommodation for either pumping breastmilk at work or allowing me some flexibility in start/stop time in order to accommodate my daycare's hours. I STILL resent that, and it's been years. Yes, I could have tried to fight it through HR, but I'd just returned to work, had an infant at home, was still dealing with postpartum depression, and honestly just didn't have it in me. It was easier to just get a different (lower paying) job.

This country treats mothers of all stripes terribly. I honestly don't blame anyone for complaining about it, whether they are SAH, WOH, or otherwise. We're all doing unpaid labor and being told that we should be grateful for it everyday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the families that feel poor because one of the parents decided to SAH.

Not a SAHM, but I think sometimes these families don't feel like they "chose" to have a SAH parent. Childcare in DC is both incredibly expensive and in very high demand, especially for kids under the age of 1. I definitely know women from my new moms group who wound up leaving their jobs for a time after their kids were born simply because they either could not find childcare or could not afford it on their salaries. It's reasonable that people in that situation would feel poor. It's probably a scary and frustrating situation to be in, especially for the parent who is temporarily out of the workforce and may not know what they'll be earning when they get back in. Plus the added stress of having young children and worrying about unexpected expenses coming up.

I do think it gets better for families like this, as their kids start school and the SAH parent returns to work. But based on people I've known, this can be a very stressful period of life where it is genuinely hard to make ends meet. I feel for them, and wish we had better childcare options in this country. If we did, then I would agree with you that it would be silly for people who choose to SAH to complain about the lost income. As it stands, I think everyone who struggles with childcare has a right to complain.

I don't think this post is talking about those people forced to step out with no choice. That's a whole different ballgame and yes, the real problem is the fact that our government does little to invest in its youth and support the working middle class families that are the core of this society. Maternity leave with pay? No. Healthcare? Also no. Education? Very unequal access, as has been emphasized with the arrival of COVID. Subsidized childcare? No. Easy access to birth control, even, to prevent conception of children that people can't support? Also no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the families that feel poor because one of the parents decided to SAH.

Not a SAHM, but I think sometimes these families don't feel like they "chose" to have a SAH parent. Childcare in DC is both incredibly expensive and in very high demand, especially for kids under the age of 1. I definitely know women from my new moms group who wound up leaving their jobs for a time after their kids were born simply because they either could not find childcare or could not afford it on their salaries. It's reasonable that people in that situation would feel poor. It's probably a scary and frustrating situation to be in, especially for the parent who is temporarily out of the workforce and may not know what they'll be earning when they get back in. Plus the added stress of having young children and worrying about unexpected expenses coming up.

I do think it gets better for families like this, as their kids start school and the SAH parent returns to work. But based on people I've known, this can be a very stressful period of life where it is genuinely hard to make ends meet. I feel for them, and wish we had better childcare options in this country. If we did, then I would agree with you that it would be silly for people who choose to SAH to complain about the lost income. As it stands, I think everyone who struggles with childcare has a right to complain.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the families that feel poor because one of the parents decided to SAH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has made me feel so much better about a potential move to northern VA.

Thanks for sharing, everyone.

You decided not to move? Remember that many of these people bought their housing many years ago. I bought a townhouse in courthouse for $400k in 2002. Payment was $1800/month. I made $80k base and $120k with bonus. It was tight, but doable. That same house now is probably $650-$700k, maybe more.

I could be moving to northern Virginia, but it's not a done deal. I am anxious about the cost of living and a potential ~$130k salary.

I realize I can't own a nice home in a convenient area. My options are probably renting or buying pretty far out.

DP: There are some townhouses/SFH in Burke, Fairfax, Reston--all nice areas that aren't too far out-- that are under 500k--some in the 300s. Public schools are consistently good despite the complaining you'll read--don't pay attention to Great Schools ratings as long as they are over 5 because their formulas are wonky--just look at the school profiles. Insurance and property taxes are relatively low compared to other places so I think you're okay. We bought a SFH in 2015 on a 130k salary for 380 and it's been fine. Mortgage rates are low.

Burke is the land of families with a SAHP and a working parent who is government or mililtary.

PP: I don't live there (I live in Fairfax) so don't have a full picture, but that doesn't describe any of the families I know who do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the families that feel poor because one of the parents decided to SAH.

They're the first to complain about the feeling poor but also the first to bash WOHMs.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the families that feel poor because one of the parents decided to SAH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has made me feel so much better about a potential move to northern VA.

Thanks for sharing, everyone.

You decided not to move? Remember that many of these people bought their housing many years ago. I bought a townhouse in courthouse for $400k in 2002. Payment was $1800/month. I made $80k base and $120k with bonus. It was tight, but doable. That same house now is probably $650-$700k, maybe more.

I could be moving to northern Virginia, but it's not a done deal. I am anxious about the cost of living and a potential ~$130k salary.

I realize I can't own a nice home in a convenient area. My options are probably renting or buying pretty far out.

DP: There are some townhouses/SFH in Burke, Fairfax, Reston--all nice areas that aren't too far out-- that are under 500k--some in the 300s. Public schools are consistently good despite the complaining you'll read--don't pay attention to Great Schools ratings as long as they are over 5 because their formulas are wonky--just look at the school profiles. Insurance and property taxes are relatively low compared to other places so I think you're okay. We bought a SFH in 2015 on a 130k salary for 380 and it's been fine. Mortgage rates are low.

Burke is the land of families with a SAHP and a working parent who is government or mililtary.