Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

My friend who is like this is a SAHM so how is she going to leave?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these type of men! Let alone even marry them.

Because some people really want kids and having kids with a disappointing spouse is still better than not having kids. Unless the spouse is neglectful or abusive the kids can still have a great childhood and family experience

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these type of men! Let alone even marry them.

Because some people really want kids and having kids with a disappointing spouse is still better than not having kids. Unless the spouse is neglectful or abusive the kids can still have a great childhood and family experience

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these type of men! Let alone even marry them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She’s probably working to get him more involved, and shared with you a part of her struggle. She’s not willing to leave her child in a situation where she’s basically a test subject to measure DH’s learning curve.

You’re a nice friend by the way. Sheesh.

Why are you making up stuff? None of what you said is true

DP. You don’t know that it’s not. Some people are not comfortable trusting their spouses with their young children because their spouses have too much of a track record of being neglectful and they’re worried about the potential consequences.

I have a friend who lost her child to her spouse’s negligence. There was a family party scheduled and she had a conflict with the first half, and, rather than cancel her plans to avoid having her spouse (who she knew was a lazy parent) handle their son on his own, decided to make him handle it himself. Except her husband didn’t step up, their son wandered away from the party and drowned in a creek behind the relative’s house.

Awful stuff can happen, and leaving your young child in the sole care of someone you know doesn’t take it seriously can have terrible consequences. That’s also why women in this position will choose not to divorce, because shared custody will only increase the risk.

The responsibility is entirely on the father for being a negligent parent

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was not a great under age 6 parent. He never enjoyed or even for that matter participated mych in the babies/toddlers/ preschoolers age. However, he is a fantastic parent for elementary and teen kids. Really amazing. Coaches all their sports, leaves work early to pick them up from school, loves going on adventure vacations with them- white water rafting and surfing in Costa Rica, hiking in National Parks, sailing with them, going to professional sports games with them, playing cards with them, etc.

Sound like all he does is play but you get stuck with the shit work. Nice!

Agree. PP is trying to excuse her DH. He may not be a crap father now, but he was a crap father *and* husband for those first 6 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was not a great under age 6 parent. He never enjoyed or even for that matter participated mych in the babies/toddlers/ preschoolers age. However, he is a fantastic parent for elementary and teen kids. Really amazing. Coaches all their sports, leaves work early to pick them up from school, loves going on adventure vacations with them- white water rafting and surfing in Costa Rica, hiking in National Parks, sailing with them, going to professional sports games with them, playing cards with them, etc.

Sound like all he does is play but you get stuck with the shit work. Nice!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

You don't know what kind of father they'll be before the baby arrives. It's a risky venture. When the risk doesn't pay off, women have to make the best of the hand they're dealt.

Stories like PP's with the husband whose child drowned, and almost ALL of the babies left in the car seat to die in overheated cars because the Dad forgot to do the day care drop-off are why women take on the responsibilities themselves. It's life or death.

All that said, I did find that Dads have an important contribution to parenthood in the teen years. Women have to raise the kids to like 13 or 14 and then start handing them over to Dad. It's not ideal, but it's what I've noticed in 20 years in the parenting world.

I still disagree with this. Every woman who has a husband who can’t take care of kids properly is a complete enabler and control freak. They also usually are a SAHM.

They also typically have your black or white thinking. I mean you really think leaving your kids with your husband is going to kill them? If he’s so dangerous he shouldn’t be living with them.

Anonymous wrote:My husband was not a great under age 6 parent. He never enjoyed or even for that matter participated mych in the babies/toddlers/ preschoolers age. However, he is a fantastic parent for elementary and teen kids. Really amazing. Coaches all their sports, leaves work early to pick them up from school, loves going on adventure vacations with them- white water rafting and surfing in Costa Rica, hiking in National Parks, sailing with them, going to professional sports games with them, playing cards with them, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I am not making assumptions, but there is a possibility that the wife may have been abused as a kid by a male figure. And she is projecting her trauma onto her husband/daughters relationship. This is quite common for people who were sexually abused. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge her.

This is just a possibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

I rather be divorced than have to deal with a partner like this. At least, I wouldn't have to resent their inability to be a functional adult in the basic sense and an equal partner in parenting and household management.

Anyone whose innate personality is like this but manages to hide it during dating, especially long enough for someone to marry them, is profoundly dishonest. They're misrepresenting who they are and they are effectively tricking someone into marriage.

Yes, that’s the fundamental flaw in my marriage (I’m the PP you quoted). Thank you for the validation, inadvertent or not. I live with a man who has decided that I’m supposed to forgive his mistakes and flaws because of his late-in-life diagnosis of HFA and that “he can’t help it”, which is technically accurate, but from my perspective I feel like my commitment to him was gained through trickery. It’s a continuous and devastating breach of the deepest trust I’ve ever given anyone.