Anonymous wrote:These posts have helped me decide to keep working on my marriage even though it is difficult. I am a 46 y/o man in a sexless marriage. I am fit and I suppose, "attractive". My wife is also 46, fit and beautiful with the body of a 25 y/o. We have two kids ages 8 and 5. We live well. I make 450k per year and my wife is able to be a stay at home mom (her choice, I would support her either way) and I do activities with our kids several days per week after work so she can play in two tennis leagues. We both are faithful. My wife went into early menopause at age 45 and everything changed. Her libido came crashing down from an 8/10 to 0/10. It created a lot of confusion and insecurity. We went to couples therapy and a lot of anger came out. I am a surgeon and trained many years. It was crazy demanding and I did not do a good enough job as a listener and partner because I was always stressed and/or exhausted. I thought I had done an ok job through it all but I am learning this was not the case. We are working on our issues and we love each other, but we do not have sex. With menopause, some resentment, two young kids, and now an anti-depressant (which lowers libido) the prospects of having a sex life any time soon are dim. I was lost and still am in many ways, but the takeaway from the posts here is to stick it out for my kiddos. If you can't beat em, join em... So I also started taking an antidepressant to kill my libido and this seems to be helping me get thru each sexless day. Seeing my wife in a bikini or sexy tennis outfit was and still is really difficult for me. It sends my body chemistry haywire because I love her. I do feel less anxious and high strung on these days after starting Lexapro. Even though I have low hopes for a normal sex life again, I am doing all the things her therapist says I should be doing in hopes maybe life will surprise me. I am still not sure I can do this forever but for now I am staying the course. Thank you all for your posts they were helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

What useless generalities. I'm a DW. My DH and I are middle aged, have been married 25+ years and haven't had PIV sex in about 4 years. On a daily basis, my DH shows and tells me how much he loves me. DH has an underlying health condition that has resulted in ED. Neither of us are happy about the ED but appreciate he is, otherwise, healthy.

It's one thing to say that sex can encourage and reinforce intimacy but to say that you can't have love without sex is just drivel. Many couples experience health conditions that prevent PIV sex but that doesn't mean their love ends. Marriages don't end because of lack of sex. Marriages end because of a lack of intimacy, respect, consideration and communication.

Oh the irony since you fall right into PP’s generality. No (normal) man would EVER go 4 years without but there you are doing fine without.

Anonymous wrote:

It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

What useless generalities. I'm a DW. My DH and I are middle aged, have been married 25+ years and haven't had PIV sex in about 4 years. On a daily basis, my DH shows and tells me how much he loves me. DH has an underlying health condition that has resulted in ED. Neither of us are happy about the ED but appreciate he is, otherwise, healthy.

It's one thing to say that sex can encourage and reinforce intimacy but to say that you can't have love without sex is just drivel. Many couples experience health conditions that prevent PIV sex but that doesn't mean their love ends. Marriages don't end because of lack of sex. Marriages end because of a lack of intimacy, respect, consideration and communication.

It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea if my parents had sex, and I am glad! I do know they had affection for each other. Hugs, grabbing hand now and then, bringing each other things to be kind. I think that is far more important. Do you show affection to each other in non physical ways?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

Eh. I’m a woman who’s primary language is sensual touch. I think it’s more most men secretly think of themselves as emperors who deserve to have their needs met, and women tend to grasp the entire picture beyond their genitals. I’m not saying that’s ok. We’re conditioned to accept. It’s fuct.

Interesting perspective. Or maybe men can compartmentalize? After 7 months in a sexless marriage, I stepped out and it seemed to be the perfect solution until she caught feelings for me. She was also in a sexless marriage but for 4 years. I couldn't believe someone could hold out that long. Hers was an exit affair anyway, they are separated now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Female.
I think the children know especially during covid from the very different sleep schedules, open bedroom door, and small townhouse with no extra rooms. There are no hugs, no handholding, no rubs on the back to acknowledge my presence. This has been going on for over 10 years. It's so embarrassing. I can't talk about it with anyone. I am so ashamed to be in this situation.

What's shameful about it?

NP here and it's completely embarrassing to admit you are in a sexless marriage. It's hard enough to admit it as a man, but at least men have company, since many marriemen are sex starved and it's the most common compliant among long term married men (and an abundance of old jokes and Hollywood themes on this).

For women, it's different since men are expected to always want it. My friends will talk about how their husbands want sex all the time and how annoying it is when men expect it at the worst moments yet I married the dude who is happily celibate

I understand this well. And even when you try to talk to friends about it it becomes a conversation about sex tips. I have serious skills, he’s low T and uninterested in rectifying that. It’s humiliating enough without friends offering seduction advice....yeah I know how to do all of that too, I married in my 30s and have life experiences. Grrrr

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

Eh. I’m a woman who’s primary language is sensual touch. I think it’s more most men secretly think of themselves as emperors who deserve to have their needs met, and women tend to grasp the entire picture beyond their genitals. I’m not saying that’s ok. We’re conditioned to accept. It’s fuct.

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Female.
I think the children know especially during covid from the very different sleep schedules, open bedroom door, and small townhouse with no extra rooms. There are no hugs, no handholding, no rubs on the back to acknowledge my presence. This has been going on for over 10 years. It's so embarrassing. I can't talk about it with anyone. I am so ashamed to be in this situation.

What's shameful about it?

NP here and it's completely embarrassing to admit you are in a sexless marriage. It's hard enough to admit it as a man, but at least men have company, since many marriemen are sex starved and it's the most common compliant among long term married men (and an abundance of old jokes and Hollywood themes on this).

For women, it's different since men are expected to always want it. My friends will talk about how their husbands want sex all the time and how annoying it is when men expect it at the worst moments yet I married the dude who is happily celibate

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Female.
I think the children know especially during covid from the very different sleep schedules, open bedroom door, and small townhouse with no extra rooms. There are no hugs, no handholding, no rubs on the back to acknowledge my presence. This has been going on for over 10 years. It's so embarrassing. I can't talk about it with anyone. I am so ashamed to be in this situation.

What's shameful about it?

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Female.
I think the children know especially during covid from the very different sleep schedules, open bedroom door, and small townhouse with no extra rooms. There are no hugs, no handholding, no rubs on the back to acknowledge my presence. This has been going on for over 10 years. It's so embarrassing. I can't talk about it with anyone. I am so ashamed to be in this situation.