You're married, do you not pool your money?

We've always had joint accounts, one big pot. When we first married we had explicit, equal, monthly allowances to spend as we please and agreed to discuss any major purchase. Over time, we dropped the allowances as we became comfortable that neither of us are big spenders. I tend to make more frequent small purchases -- books, a drink at starbucks, new item of clothing -- while DH doesn't spend often but then will buy an expensive electronic gadget. It all evens out.

When we first married we had similar salaries. We've been through periods when DH was unemployed so we just had my income, when I was a SAHM with occasional PT work so he brought in most income, then I went back to work and initially made less than him and now we make about the same again. It has never been an issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not married but I make 50k whereas my bf makes 500k. He has the ability to take me to nice restaurants, and we go on nice trips. But I make sure his clothes just magically appear in his closet, he doesn't have to "think" when we're together, and dinner most of the time is on me (and it's spectacular). His doormen are tipped by me, and some people at his company are given gifts from him but we all know it's from me.

He takes you to nice restaurants or you take him?

I don’t get you tipping his doorman or buying him clothes that you secretly hang in his closet and you’re secretly buying coworkers gifts and pretend they are from him?

This seems a little strange. How long have you been tog?

We've been together 6 years. I don't take him out, I cook. I don't buy his clothes, they get laundered and I pick them up and hang them. I don't use my own money to tip his doormen or to buy bday gifts for his employees, I have his debit card.

I'm sure I'll get flamed, but essentially, I'm his "assistant". And I love him, so I'm not mad about it.

Why hasn’t he married you?

Because I've said no. I'm not big on marriage, I don't want kids, and our relationship is happy. I don't fix things that aren't broken.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for over 10 years, and when we first met, we both made about the same, $65k-$75k. In the beginning, it was easy to budget and travel and go out since we always just split the expenses down the middle. Flash forward to now and I'm making about $140k and my SO is making close to $300k. The difference is significant and it really only happened in the last 3 years when my SO had a series of job moves that resulted in doubling of salary.

I was wondering how others have dealt with this situation? I'm heard suggestions from splitting expenses as a percentage of your income, to just having one big pot and it's all both of ours, to having separate accounts we're "your money is yours and mine is mine."

The fact that you are not married after 10 yrs suggests some caution by one or both of you about the permanency of this relationship. If you were married, it would be easier to make it all one big pot b/c you would rely on the commitment of the other. But, since you are not married, you money is yours and his is his. That is just a fact. So, I guess it makes sense to split expenses proportionally.

Although at this point, I'd be thinking more about whether there is a reason you or the SO is not in a committed mindset. Does that matter to you? It must have come up.

OP literally says "spouse" in the thread title, grandma.

Not a grandma.

I was reading the substance of the post where the OP used the term "SO" -- significant other -- rather than DH or DW.

I don't understand why this is an issue at all then if they are married. It is weird that this is just coming up now. One pot or three pots.

I meant disparate, not discrepant. I am tired ...

We're in our mid-30s, been married for 7 years. Everything is joint. I've never understood those that divvy up assets - seems important to operate as one unit and plan for financial future together.

At the start, she made more. But I have a JD and now earn more (about 20k more), and have the potential to earn a lot more if I go private.

It’s all our money. My career has taken a hit from multiple maternity leaves and being the one to often take off with a sick kid. Why should I get to spend less money when my flexibilities have allowed DH to focus more on work. His successes are mine and vice versa.

Our salaries aren’t as discrepant as yours (and there’s a chance I could make more at some point), but regardless, we would never consider splitting expenses and accounts.

Whatever you both agree on, ignore the others. You stay married because you have a partnership that works and however it keeps working is fine and no one else's business.

I put spouse through law school w/o loans and we've never kept our money separate. I earned more through spouse's school, clerkship, and public service. It wasn't until after kids and our 15th anniversary that spouse started to earn more and now earns many times my income. In the beginning, we were on a super tight budget and we got in the habit of talking about any expenditure beyond the basics. When we made more, we tracked all our investment decisions together. While we probably don't need to talk about anything smaller than a car, it's just a habit like checking with each other first about the grocery list before we go to Whole Foods.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not married but I make 50k whereas my bf makes 500k. He has the ability to take me to nice restaurants, and we go on nice trips. But I make sure his clothes just magically appear in his closet, he doesn't have to "think" when we're together, and dinner most of the time is on me (and it's spectacular). His doormen are tipped by me, and some people at his company are given gifts from him but we all know it's from me.

He takes you to nice restaurants or you take him?

I don’t get you tipping his doorman or buying him clothes that you secretly hang in his closet and you’re secretly buying coworkers gifts and pretend they are from him?

This seems a little strange. How long have you been tog?

We've been together 6 years. I don't take him out, I cook. I don't buy his clothes, they get laundered and I pick them up and hang them. I don't use my own money to tip his doormen or to buy bday gifts for his employees, I have his debit card.

I'm sure I'll get flamed, but essentially, I'm his "assistant". And I love him, so I'm not mad about it.

Why hasn’t he married you?

Because he doesn't need to. He's getting all the benefits with none of the effort/risk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not married but I make 50k whereas my bf makes 500k. He has the ability to take me to nice restaurants, and we go on nice trips. But I make sure his clothes just magically appear in his closet, he doesn't have to "think" when we're together, and dinner most of the time is on me (and it's spectacular). His doormen are tipped by me, and some people at his company are given gifts from him but we all know it's from me.

He takes you to nice restaurants or you take him?

I don’t get you tipping his doorman or buying him clothes that you secretly hang in his closet and you’re secretly buying coworkers gifts and pretend they are from him?

This seems a little strange. How long have you been tog?

We've been together 6 years. I don't take him out, I cook. I don't buy his clothes, they get laundered and I pick them up and hang them. I don't use my own money to tip his doormen or to buy bday gifts for his employees, I have his debit card.

I'm sure I'll get flamed, but essentially, I'm his "assistant". And I love him, so I'm not mad about it.

Why hasn’t he married you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for over 10 years, and when we first met, we both made about the same, $65k-$75k. In the beginning, it was easy to budget and travel and go out since we always just split the expenses down the middle. Flash forward to now and I'm making about $140k and my SO is making close to $300k. The difference is significant and it really only happened in the last 3 years when my SO had a series of job moves that resulted in doubling of salary.

I was wondering how others have dealt with this situation? I'm heard suggestions from splitting expenses as a percentage of your income, to just having one big pot and it's all both of ours, to having separate accounts we're "your money is yours and mine is mine."

The fact that you are not married after 10 yrs suggests some caution by one or both of you about the permanency of this relationship. If you were married, it would be easier to make it all one big pot b/c you would rely on the commitment of the other. But, since you are not married, you money is yours and his is his. That is just a fact. So, I guess it makes sense to split expenses proportionally.

Although at this point, I'd be thinking more about whether there is a reason you or the SO is not in a committed mindset. Does that matter to you? It must have come up.

OP literally says "spouse" in the thread title, grandma.

Anonymous wrote:"The law is actually very clear on this point: all property accumulated during the marriage is presumptively marital property. So, even if spouses keep separate accounts and pay bills separately, all income and property accumulated during the marriage is still considered a marital asset subject to division."

If so - what is the point for separate accounts in marriage?

1. It’s a rebuttable presumption.

2. There are exceptions: gifts from third parties, inheritances, passive growth on separate property, etc.

Anonymous wrote:"The law is actually very clear on this point: all property accumulated during the marriage is presumptively marital property. So, even if spouses keep separate accounts and pay bills separately, all income and property accumulated during the marriage is still considered a marital asset subject to division."

If so - what is the point for separate accounts in marriage?

Probably so that during the marriage they can spend what they want from their personal accounts? That's kinda obvious isn't it?

Folks might also have a prenupt that you're not aware of.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married 20 years. For 12 of that I was a SAHM and now I work at a nonprofit for $60K but I carry the health insurance for our family as well. My husband makes over $500. We have one bank account and don’t split hairs over money. We are married and share everything equally. The end.

That post is close to being from my wife:
Married 21 years. Got married when we were in our mid 30s. Wife was home for 15 years. She now makes $65k working for a non-profit, which supplies all our health benefits. I make over $80k for a small employer that gives no benefits. . Is $15k "significantly more income" than my spouse? We've only had one bank account since we got married; there has never been "her money" or "my money". It's just money.

"The law is actually very clear on this point: all property accumulated during the marriage is presumptively marital property. So, even if spouses keep separate accounts and pay bills separately, all income and property accumulated during the marriage is still considered a marital asset subject to division."

If so - what is the point for separate accounts in marriage?