Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 18:45     Subject: Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is advice from John Gottman— go read his books (if I had to pick one piece of advice, it would be that. )

1) learn about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
2) 80% of the fights/disagreements you have now will be the same fights/disagreements you’ll be having in 20 years. Learn to negotiate something that works for both of you and don’t try to “resolve” all disagreements.
3) For a marriage to remain good, you need a ratio of 5:1, positive to negative interactions. Drop below that and you marriage is in jeopardy.


My advice also is to read John Gottman.


+1. I’ll add to that, marry someone who will read Gottman and implement it with you. Doesn’t do any good if only one partner does it.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 16:40     Subject: Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:Never talk.poorly about your spouse to your family.


Ooh that's such a good one.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 16:38     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Regular sex is a must. If you think differently, for gosh sakes let your fiance know before you walk down the aisle. I love my wife. She's a fabulous mother and a partner in life. But I have been starving for sexual intimacy for a decade. If she only knew how much of a pushover I'd be on what to remodel or when to get a new vehicle for her if she was taking me to bed regularly.

I work towards keeping the marriage together for my kids, but it would be so much more fulfilling with even once a month sex. Even bad sex.

Do not marry someone you don't want to regularly get naked with. Just don't. If they do something that makes you not want them (gain weight, piss you off) then work through it. Husbands and wives were meant to be having sex.


It doesn't work that way. The relationship changes in many ways, people mature, bodies change and with age comes loss of attraction.

It's not a must, but if you found a fabulous mother and partner well then you hit the lottery compared to most people.


I completely disagree with this. That's like saying if you found a ferrari with no engine you hit the jackpot. His wife is an awesome mother but a dud for a wife.

That's the equivalent of telling a woman who is being cheated on that if her husband is a great provider, fun to be around and a good father, so what if he cheats, she hit the jackpot. Being cheated on, being denied sexual intimacy are equal violations of the marriage contract
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 16:36     Subject: Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:Ten years from now, how your spouse handles stress will affect your life in more ways than you have any idea.


this is real and tanked my marriage. his anxiety skyrocketed and he refused to do anything about it for years, and i couldn't handle it anymore.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 16:36     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:Regular sex is a must. If you think differently, for gosh sakes let your fiance know before you walk down the aisle. I love my wife. She's a fabulous mother and a partner in life. But I have been starving for sexual intimacy for a decade. If she only knew how much of a pushover I'd be on what to remodel or when to get a new vehicle for her if she was taking me to bed regularly.

I work towards keeping the marriage together for my kids, but it would be so much more fulfilling with even once a month sex. Even bad sex.

Do not marry someone you don't want to regularly get naked with. Just don't. If they do something that makes you not want them (gain weight, piss you off) then work through it. Husbands and wives were meant to be having sex.


I realized a while ago that if my DH is sexually happy he is the easiest person to be with. When he's not, he's prickly.

I am always amazed how simple men are and how naive women are about what makes them tick, and why they eventually cheat. You sound faithful to a fault.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 14:50     Subject: Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:Advice from my mom, married 48 years:
“ even though you might be tired or not in the mood, just go along with it. Most of the time you’ll find that you do get interested as things move along.”

Also, sex gets better with age if you’re open to talking about it. Definitely read these books:

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_api_i_eQdgFbAH71WPZ

And

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060834390/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_XQdgFb1C4TWDR



Oh that's so bad. Instead find books that teach women that a man shouldn't be their everything. As opposed to Pleasing/Pleasuring a man.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 14:48     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:Regular sex is a must. If you think differently, for gosh sakes let your fiance know before you walk down the aisle. I love my wife. She's a fabulous mother and a partner in life. But I have been starving for sexual intimacy for a decade. If she only knew how much of a pushover I'd be on what to remodel or when to get a new vehicle for her if she was taking me to bed regularly.

I work towards keeping the marriage together for my kids, but it would be so much more fulfilling with even once a month sex. Even bad sex.

Do not marry someone you don't want to regularly get naked with. Just don't. If they do something that makes you not want them (gain weight, piss you off) then work through it. Husbands and wives were meant to be having sex.


It doesn't work that way. The relationship changes in many ways, people mature, bodies change and with age comes loss of attraction.

It's not a must, but if you found a fabulous mother and partner well then you hit the lottery compared to most people.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 13:32     Subject: Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:This is advice from John Gottman— go read his books (if I had to pick one piece of advice, it would be that. )

1) learn about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
2) 80% of the fights/disagreements you have now will be the same fights/disagreements you’ll be having in 20 years. Learn to negotiate something that works for both of you and don’t try to “resolve” all disagreements.
3) For a marriage to remain good, you need a ratio of 5:1, positive to negative interactions. Drop below that and you marriage is in jeopardy.


My advice also is to read John Gottman.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 13:29     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would tell a man (and will tell my son):

1. Do not get married unless she is way out of your league in terms of looks, income, assets, social status.
2. Keep finances separate.
3. Do not entangle pre-marital assets.
4. Keep a safe deposit box in another state with enough cash to hire a lawyer and enough money to live off for six months.
5. During the marriage, withdraw cash from your paycheck every two weeks and buy gold coins. Keep them in the safe deposit box.


I think your advice is for your son to hire an escort?


I think you are getting trolled because this is the advice given to some women.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 12:36     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would tell a man (and will tell my son):

1. Do not get married unless she is way out of your league in terms of looks, income, assets, social status.
2. Keep finances separate.
3. Do not entangle pre-marital assets.
4. Keep a safe deposit box in another state with enough cash to hire a lawyer and enough money to live off for six months.
5. During the marriage, withdraw cash from your paycheck every two weeks and buy gold coins. Keep them in the safe deposit box.


This is advice if planning to divorce, not get married.


In some US states the divorce rate is 75 percent. Guess who files in most of those divorces?


1) what states (I dont believe it)
and
2) women, obviously. Because men are sh!ts. And I love men, but they way they act ... sh!ts.


Wow that is pretty sexist. It is split in terms of fault. Most cases it’s both persons faults. Other times it is split equally between the man or women....to think otherwise is sexist.


The statement was not about "fault" the statement is about "who files".
Fact: Women file most divorce cases
Reason: men's biggest issue in marriage (sex) can be easily outsourced without divorcing, and men typically lose more $$$ in a divorce
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 12:33     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Regular sex is a must. If you think differently, for gosh sakes let your fiance know before you walk down the aisle. I love my wife. She's a fabulous mother and a partner in life. But I have been starving for sexual intimacy for a decade. If she only knew how much of a pushover I'd be on what to remodel or when to get a new vehicle for her if she was taking me to bed regularly.

I work towards keeping the marriage together for my kids, but it would be so much more fulfilling with even once a month sex. Even bad sex.

Do not marry someone you don't want to regularly get naked with. Just don't. If they do something that makes you not want them (gain weight, piss you off) then work through it. Husbands and wives were meant to be having sex.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 12:31     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:We've been married almost, good grief, 40 years. We came from very similar MC backgrounds and educations with parents who had long term marriages so all of that helped. We are both pretty low maintenance and we are very tolerant of each others shortcomings and we have always worked well together as a team. Money has never been a problem as we started saving right from the beginning which has allowed us to weather a bunch of storms. We have rarely argued and I don't ever recall a fight. We were a real team when it came to child rearing. We are both politically moderate though not in the same party and while we are both Catholic we share many of the same negative views of the church. In total, we are incredibly compatible and we really enjoy each others company though we do have different interests and hobbies. Finally, even after almost 40 years we both still really enjoy sex at least weekly and while we are not hand holders (or my husband isn't) we are very affectionate. While I know that that is not advice its what has worked so well for us.


Congratulations on your success. Sounds like you each chose well and were well suited to each other.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 12:30     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:I would tell a man (and will tell my son):

1. Do not get married unless she is way out of your league in terms of looks, income, assets, social status.
2. Keep finances separate.
3. Do not entangle pre-marital assets.
4. Keep a safe deposit box in another state with enough cash to hire a lawyer and enough money to live off for six months.
5. During the marriage, withdraw cash from your paycheck every two weeks and buy gold coins. Keep them in the safe deposit box.


I think your advice is for your son to hire an escort?
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 12:09     Subject: Best Piece of Marital Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't combine funds.


Actually mine is the opposite. Do combine them.


+1


+2 Unless you come in with a kid I think it's best to combine completely and fully. You're one unit, one team, rowing in the same direction.


For us, I think it's better we have combined accounts and separate accounts. I don't want to be in his grill if he wants to buy some junk on ebay, and I don't want him seeing another pair of shoes on my credit card. We have the big picture together, we have the small stuff separate - I think some amount of financial privacy in a marriage is good. At least it is for us.

We don't have kids - and aren't planning to - and we do have a high amount of trust, so I think that makes it easier for us to maintain some separation as far as that goes.

I have two pieces of advice, 10 years into my marriage:

1. Marry someone who is on the same team as you. As others are saying, be driving in the same car to the same place. Be each other's cheerleader. Even when you fight, remember that you are on the same team.

2. Have separate bathrooms.

Anonymous
Post 07/22/2020 11:37     Subject: Re:Best Piece of Marital Advice?
We've been married almost, good grief, 40 years. We came from very similar MC backgrounds and educations with parents who had long term marriages so all of that helped. We are both pretty low maintenance and we are very tolerant of each others shortcomings and we have always worked well together as a team. Money has never been a problem as we started saving right from the beginning which has allowed us to weather a bunch of storms. We have rarely argued and I don't ever recall a fight. We were a real team when it came to child rearing. We are both politically moderate though not in the same party and while we are both Catholic we share many of the same negative views of the church. In total, we are incredibly compatible and we really enjoy each others company though we do have different interests and hobbies. Finally, even after almost 40 years we both still really enjoy sex at least weekly and while we are not hand holders (or my husband isn't) we are very affectionate. While I know that that is not advice its what has worked so well for us.