Anonymous
Post 07/18/2020 00:10     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?


No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.



So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.


That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.


This!

The AP owes you no loyalty or explanation.
Additionally, you aren't entitled to the play by play synopsis of what she told her husband and kids, because that has NOTHING to do with you.

Your husband is the only one who owed you loyalty, your husband's is the only explanation that you're entitled to.

You sound like you're making excuses for your husband so you can stay in the marriage, because blaming someone else takes the attention off of him.

You continually blame the "c@nt" AP, but I got news for you, lady... your husband is just as much of a c@nt as the AP is, and definitely more so.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 23:49     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?


No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.



So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.


That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 23:35     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m telling other spouse at 6 months. Getting myself together and letting her think she got away with it. Bam! Mic drop, beatch.


Same, girl. Waiting for my divorce, alimony and child support to all be finalized. Then both their husbands will be hearing from me.


BOTH of their husbands??
Your husband had two AP's at the same time?
Were they long term affairs?
Did you find out on your own or did he tell you?
Is your ex a narcissist?

I'm so sorry you experienced such agonizing betrayal, you didn't/don't deserve to be treated this way... it's his issue.

I also apologize for all of the questions.
I'm right in the thick of this right now and well, I guess hearing others experiences makes me feel less alone.

Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 22:26     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you want a divorce then tell. Otherwise, remain silent.


This.


Agree. If you are committed to the marriage, admit your mistake, want to understand what happened--that's great. But no need to tell your spouse.

I hope you have done or will do the work of understanding why you did what you did and whats going on in your relationship. Those are the real issues, not the affair.

The first thing that would end a marriage is being 100% honest about everything. That's ridiculous. I should tell my spouse literally every time there's a hint of odor, they don't look perfect, they say or do the wrong thing? Of course not.

I'm anti-infidelity but let's be practical. It will cause immense pain and trust issues if your reveal now. Work on the issues that led to the affair, that is the real kindness.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 22:10     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
If you cheat you should disclose ASAP so that the other person can decide if they want to forgive and try to move forward, or move on without you. You don't get to make that choice for them.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 21:35     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
My wife confessed an affair several years after it happened. I would probably have been open to a discussion on opening the marriage so I was beyond ticked she didn't have the courage to approach me.

We are still together but we don't consider it my duty to be faithful anymore and I haven't. Food for thought.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 13:31     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
^ wow, that’s just craziness that solution to cheating is 3 some.

I think many therapists just tell people what they want to hear to feel good as opposed to making them better.

Nevertheless OP, tell your spouse.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 10:41     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s a cancer. Oprah special on affairs —experts all advocated it must come out. Secrets are bad in marriages.


These "experts" make their lifelihood on selling counseling. Sure they want you to do therapy. They make their $150 per hour on every visit.

My experience with marriage therapists has not been all that great.


The experts tell the cheaters what they want to hear and will not take a 'moral' stance. They advocate lying to their spouses and do not ever ask 'are you using protection? Is your spouse's health endangered?'. Nope. They don't care. Just keep them coming back and cashing that check. There are some real snake oil salesman out there. Google therapist and see how many are in the area from 3rd rate schools in a field as questionable as 'cosmetology/astrology'. There are a few good ones out there, but most people never find them and are further damaged by bad therapy. The solution one marriage therapist suggested to my narcissistic spouse (4 years later diagnosed as a clinical narcissist) was to bring other people into the marriage. That I should try a 3-some. They scar the victims even further making them think they did something wrong. Oh--btw, he never mentioned sexual dissatisfaction as a problem. We were having sex 3-4 time per week. All this sicko therapist ever wanted to talk about was our sex in great detail. He never once asked about my husband's severely messed up childhood or any of those brutal issues.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 10:34     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:Therapy for his issue?? Hahaaaa. Gaslight much? The bigger issue is your 2 year affair.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 10:34     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you want a divorce then tell. Otherwise, remain silent.


This.


+100
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 10:34     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:It’s a cancer. Oprah special on affairs —experts all advocated it must come out. Secrets are bad in marriages.


These "experts" make their lifelihood on selling counseling. Sure they want you to do therapy. They make their $150 per hour on every visit.

My experience with marriage therapists has not been all that great.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 10:30     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:If you want a divorce then tell. Otherwise, remain silent.


This.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 10:26     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
No, do not tell. The pain cannot be erased. However, get yourself into some therapy. Not therapy that rationalizes the cheating, but therapy that brings up your stuff and is difficult. I have been there and there are many many therapists who will hold your hand and tell you that you were justified in cheating. You weren't. I wasn't. Figure out why you did it, if it was you, fix it. If it was you (and it always is) and you also figure out that the marriage is lacking, try to fix that. If that isn't fixable, leave on the best terms you can. But, save your spouse the pain of knowing.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 08:57     Subject: If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:I am the betrayed spouse ten months after disclosure. Absolutely should tell. It requires deep therapy for you to understand why you did it or you could do it again plus spouse absolutely deserves to know. Therapist could likely help you.



Individual therapy could help you understand your behavior, its origins, what you truly want, and how to go forward in a relationship of honesty. I completely understand that the spouse is the victim, and he will be justifiably angry. I understand why anger at the cheater extends to the idea of self-help. How can the cure for self-indulgent behavior be more self-indulgence? We either believe or don't believe that there's hope that a person could change. If there's hope, change has to start with fixing yourself with support. "Just stop" is the start and end of the advice of those who believe that a person who cheats will always return to cheating, an alcoholic will always return to drinking, an addict will always return to using.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2020 08:31     Subject: Re:If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your spouse finds out...and it's not uncommon for it to be discovered years after the fact. Remorseful AP or spouse of AP finds out and tells---it would result in divorce most definitely because you kept it buried.

If you come clean, it will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately it will allow for the marriage to repair. It will not repair with secrets. And, your spouse will eventually be able to work to trust. But, yeah, if they find out prior to you disclosing--that is BAD news.


OP here, why are you so sure if I disclose it can be worked out. Most people on here respond that if their spouse cheated, they would be gone and counsel others to do the same.

And if something comes to light say a year or two from now, isnt it easier to deal with for my spouse if it's then like 4 or 5 years in the past? As opposed to more recent? Seems like the more time that goes by the easier it would be to process if I have been faithful for the years in between which I have been
.

PP here who found out ten years after spouse cheated. It made me question everything in the interim and every trip, late night since then. Also made me really angry because the cheating was before we had kids and not telling took away a lot of my agency. Finding out years later was worse. Tell and tell now.


+1