Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 19:22     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
It's their problem you bred with someone you divorced why?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 19:21     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
OP, your son is not their flesh and blood. They have no obligation towards your son. Actually, they have no obligation towards their grandson too, but it is mighty kind of them to do it for their grandson.

Ask your parents and the parents of your son's biological father to fund your kid. Else, maybe your current DH can help you out. Or you can get a job and pay for your son yourself. Or your son can get a scholarship or a loan. Teach him not to be a leech.

Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 19:20     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Must be a troll. It’s so ridiculous for you to expect them to pay for someone who is not related to them.


You see other threads about ILs not buying nice presents for the step grandkids. How is this any different?


One is a a Christmas present for people you are going to be in the room with. Let’s say it costs $100. One is a college education that costs let’s say $250k. Everyone is presuming that the grandparents are rolling in money. We have no idea how much they have. Maybe it’s out of a family trust that has conditions attached, who knows?

To not show up to a party for two kids and not bring a gift for both is beyond rude and tacky. It doesn’t mean that they pay for a college education. If the kid was not adopted, it’s not their grandchild.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 19:01     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?


Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.


What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.


OP should have expected this given that she’s been married to the husband for a long time. It’s also greedy to expect non blood relatives to pay for stepchildren. What if they divorce? Grandparents don’t benefit from investing in a step grandchildren. Not their legacy.


What are we living on Feudal manors??? I have an adopted child. My entire family treats her EXACTLY the same as other children in the family. Because she is family. This is not about getting some type of blood test to prove you merit their love and support. How archaic and inhumane


OP's husband didn't adopt her son. Adopted kids are not the same as step kids at all.


Then people should stop referring to "non blood" relatives like they are second class citizens. Adopted family members are NON BLOOD, for whatever that matters. That phrase is offensive and inappropriate.


Kids who are adopted are legally their kids. Stepkids have no legal part so if parents divorce, step parent never sees or is responsible for the child again. Big difference. I have step kids. They have a mom and dad. They are not my responsibility (I choose to do for them but ultimately they are their parents responsibility) nor is it my families to help with anything or treat them the same as mine.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 18:58     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:Must be a troll. It’s so ridiculous for you to expect them to pay for someone who is not related to them.


You see other threads about ILs not buying nice presents for the step grandkids. How is this any different?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 18:26     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Must be a troll. It’s so ridiculous for you to expect them to pay for someone who is not related to them.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 18:01     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Decline the assistance and pay for both boys yourself or send them to public.


I don't see how OP could decline on behalf of a child who isn't hers... does not sound as if she and the husband adopted one another's children. And her husband isn't on the same page so he certainly isn't going to decline anything.


For that matter assuming the child is 18 and an adult it’s also not the father’s place to decline the grandparents’ offer on his behalf.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 17:03     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
At least you escaped what sounds like a discriminatory / misogynistic family/culture.

If only all of our sisters could be so freed.

I am sorry for the injustice you suffered.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 17:01     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?


Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.


What a sad twisted family dynamic.

Your poor child will need therapy for years to come.

I hope this is an uncommon patterns in so-called blended families.


OP should have expected this given that she’s been married to the husband for a long time. It’s also greedy to expect non blood relatives to pay for stepchildren. What if they divorce? Grandparents don’t benefit from investing in a step grandchildren. Not their legacy.


What are we living on Feudal manors??? I have an adopted child. My entire family treats her EXACTLY the same as other children in the family. Because she is family. This is not about getting some type of blood test to prove you merit their love and support. How archaic and inhumane


OP's husband didn't adopt her son. Adopted kids are not the same as step kids at all.


Then people should stop referring to "non blood" relatives like they are second class citizens. Adopted family members are NON BLOOD, for whatever that matters. That phrase is offensive and inappropriate.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 16:36     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can be gracious and say that while you appreciate the offer, it would be problematic to treat the two brothers differently, so you will sort it out on your own with both of them.

Or you could accept the money with a grateful thank-you, and use it to offset the money you will spend toward the other young man's tuition.

Those are your options.


It is sad to me that the grandparents are so craven.

If the child ever wondered if relatives (on the husband's side) loved them both the same...they have their answer.

I think the husband should say this is awkward and inconsiderate to the other child. He can ask if they could give it as a blanket gift to the family's college expenses or turn it down.

The statement needs to be made that all the children in the family are solidly in the family, not some netherland of relationship.


Unfortunately, DH's son is not OP's son, and conversely, OP's son isn not DH's. It's unfortunate the DH's parents won't pay for OP's son's college education, but I don't see it as realistic that DH would turn down an opportunity for his son to make it fair for the stepson.

What I would hope at least, is the DH will help pay for OP's son's education since OP is saying she has helped raise his son. But my guess is that the writing has been on the wall regarding DH all along.


It is not their responsibility. Its nice to offer for their grandchild. OP and her husband should be saving for both kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 16:25     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Your kid has grandparents. Four, actually. Hit them up for money if you haven't had the foresight to save for your own kid's college.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 16:22     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?


Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.


Your husband is disinterested in his stepson’s future? Lady, THAT is what you need to be posting about. Forget the grandparents. They have no obligation to your child. But your spouse? That’s a whole different story.


+1! That was exactly what I was thinking! Wow, you stayed with a man who could not or chose not to love your son. That is the issue.


Do you and DH have a college fund saved up for your son?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 16:20     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:Does the stepson even want to go where they want him to? You and DH can always say "thanks but no thanks".


He's an adult! They have no business turning down anything for him. That's ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 16:18     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Unless the OP's 1st husband/boyfriend is in prison, there is no reason not to file for child support and request education assistance. How long has OP known the current husband has no intention of supporting her son in his education?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2020 16:15     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Interesting that the husband never adopted OP's child. How long have they been married and how old were the kids?